#toooldtoliveso

[toooldtolive]

okay so i kinda did something risky idk

i got my s.o. a $50 gift and yet i think he’s about to break up with me so

yeah

#toooldtoliveso

[toooldtolive]

im running an experiment! i always send nice good morning texts, and he used to do that for me. now, since i almost always wake up first, i send them. but i noticed that he seemed to have stoped sending them even if he clearly woke up first, THUS!

im not sending one today—gonna see if he sends one

update! it’s 12:38pm and he has not sent one. will update further but my heart is kinda sinking idk

#toooldtoliveso

[toooldtolive]

why do you want to help fix me? most people return broken merchandise and get nice, new ones

no no no—you’re like legos. coming preassembled and nice and stuff kind of defeats the point

#toooldtoliveso

[toooldtolive]

why am i with him.

okay. i fucked up. i made him mad and hurt. but when i asked him to communicate with me. nah. fuck that shit. he said that he already told me what was wrong. i racked my brain. i really did. but im really dumb. so i guessed wrong. so that made him more mad. cut to me crying, sobbing so loudly that my father came to check on me. cut back to him cold shouldering me. i get it. i pissed you off. i betrayed your trust. but i ask for communication. i ask for the knowledge required to not make the same mistakes again. but no. i am denied this. fuck that shit. he let me cry for five minutes until i turned it off. it’s like he wants to drive me away. but i dont want to leave. why didnt i want to leave. i cant even tell if he’s emotionally abusing me or if im just a fucking cruel asshole whose words are hurtful and i cant even see it. i do like him. i think. but my love? my love. it wanes. i dont know anymore. i cry for him. i laugh for him. i beg when i think he wants me to. is this healthy? do i let this happen? or is it me. i think it’s more likely to be me.

he said he was mad because i joked about his bodily harm. this is valid. very valid. but i did not realize he had taken it so seriously. this is no excuse. i should have realized that it’s never okay to joke about. but i did. and i fucked up. it’s me. fuck. it’s me.

what do i say. how do i remedy this. how can you take back jokes about not caring about someone’s body? about allowing someone you “love” to come to harm? that’s not love. im fucked up. i fucked up. what do i do. what do i say.

#toooldtoliveso

[toooldtolive]

We’re married in Stardew Valley, he gave me a ring (bathbomb lol not proposal), and now this plushie!!!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

#toooldtoliveso

[toooldtolive]

guys

guys

im hugging my pillow woth the stupidest goddamn smile on my face because he propsed to me... in Stardew Valley. he proposed to me in a farming game that we play together and im literally about to squeal with joy. i wrote him a POEM on a whim. we watched iron man 3 today. im wearing his shirt. i never thought i could be this happy with someone. all previous posts about being nervous about his self-destructive tendencies are cancelled. he may be a little depressey. but god he has a heart of gold and the cutest damn smile to boot. i love him guys. tis official. i love him so damn much.

#toooldtoliveso

[toooldtolive]

prompt: to love someone is to embrace their shadow

He drops onto the couch, pulling out his phone. He begins to scroll, almost mindlessly, and occasionally looks over at me to comment on something he was looking at. I look at the messages again, my heart still thumping with disbelief.

“Thanks for actually caring about me and my happiness”

“I do want to be with you forever”

“I love you”

Hesitantly, I manage to reply out loud to the text.

“I love you, too.”

He smiles slightly, not looking away from the phone. “Thanks.”

I listen to his idle commentary and the sounds of his sniffling—it’s allergy season, and he suffers more than most. I sigh slightly, and just watch him. The morning sun makes his dyed-blonde hair gleam, and his eyes almost seem to glow from within. Not for the first time, I wonder again how he could ever think he was less than beautiful, less than perfect. From this angle, he has a tiny double-chin, and his shirt bunches up around his torso. His lips look larger than life and his nose flares occasionally, allowing me to see inside. For some bizarre reason, this makes me love him more. He’s pretty even when he thinks he’s not. There are seemingly random times of the day when my whole being will be struck by a passionate love for him—the need to hold him tight, to tell him I’m here for him, and to kiss him until he forgets all the troubles of his past.

But I don’t. I can’t, because we live so far. So I content myself with staring at a screen day after day, admiring the most beautiful person I have ever had the privilege of seeing, from behind a wall of glass and and space and time.

He pulls out a blanket, wrapping it around himself like a cocoon—he tucks himself in, probably not realizing what he’s doing. It’s unbelievably endearing, and I can’t help sighing a bit when I see him rub his face gently against the corner of the blaket. He reads something off his phone and a small burst of laughter fills my heart.

“Wait, this is actually really funny. I’m gonna send this to you.”

I don’t think he’s realized that I’ve been looking at him for the past hour.

He sits up a bit to talk to me, propping himself on his elbow and smiling. It happens again. Curse this heart of mine—I’ve grown soft. His smile makes my heart soar, and all my thoughts of trickery leave. Why would I ever think this beautiful, wonderful person would betray me, lie to me, or leave my heart behind? No. He loves me. He will always love me. He will take care of me, just like he said he would.

It doesn’t matter that he refuses to talk about his past relationships. It doesn’t matter that he expects me to communicate, but doesn’t always do the same for me. It doesn’t matter that I’ve had dozens of anxiety attacks over worming doubts of his love. His love is there, for all to see, in his smile. It’s so beautiful, so pure, how could he ever lie?

To love someone is to embrace their shadow.

#toooldtoliveso

[toooldtolive]

i got disgustinly sappy and wrote this for my stephen

I love you more than the earth loves the horizon

I love you more than the fish loves the sea

I love you more than life

I love you more than death

I would defy both to stay with you

To comfort, hug, and hold

I will stay with you

Until you have neither need nor want of me

And even then I will look out for your best interests

And love you 'til time itself ends

Such is the passion I feel for you

#toooldtoliveso

[toooldtolive]

you ever cry til you retch then tears stream down because you retched then you cry because you retched then you retch because you’re crying then you

yeah. i hate it when my bf is mad at me.

#he’s way too good at the cold shoulder and im fragile #toooldtoliveso

[toooldtolive]

im disgusting.

#he trusted me #and i made fun of him for things that were out of his control #like some sort of monster #who am i #why do i di these thi gs #its like im trying to frive him away #why do i do this #toooldtoliveso

[toooldtolive]

he’s ✨ mad ✨ at ✨ meeeeee

and it makes me really sad and kind of makes my heart ache

#toooldtoliveso

[toooldtolive]

“i saw that snap! i went who is this asshole who just ruined my mego combo? and it was YOU”

my s.o. to me

#toooldtoliveso

[toooldtolive]

*hugs me tightly*

“everything is better with you in it”

“i know that even if i totally fuck up you’ll be there to take care of me.”

#toooldtoliveso

[toooldtolive]

gotta remember this

#toooldtoliveso

[toooldtolive]

“lukewarm water ass”

#toooldtoliveso

[toooldtolive]

guess who just had an EPISODE

im thriving. it’s great. im fine thanks

#toooldtoliveso