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emjenenla · 5 years

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I’m safe inside the light, so go on do your worst Part Three [A Stormlight Archive Fanfic]

Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four

Elhokar was a failure at everything he’d ever done. He’d failed as a son, as a warrior and as a king. He saw no reason to fail as a Knight Radiant too. Or the one where Elhokar swears to the first Ideal at the end of WoK.

Warnings: Domestic Violence, Self-Esteem Issues

**Comes back after over two months with this pathetic offering** Sorry, about the wait. I actually have a lot of part four written so hopefully there won't be as much of a wait.

NOTE: While I don’t like Dalinar, I don’t believe that his actions towards Elhokar are consciously malicious. Until halfway through Oathbringer, Dalinar is incapable of realizing that what he did to Elhokar in WoK was wrong and therefore it never crosses his mind that Elhokar might be traumatized by what happened. Dalinar never intends to actually kill Elhokar if it becomes convenient, but he also doesn’t realize Elhokar believes that he would. I’m saying this because I realized that since I’ve never written a meta about Dalinar you have no way of telling the difference between how I interpret Dalinar’s intentions and how Elhokar does.

When Dalinar announced the latest part of his mad plan, Elhokar didn’t even bother wasting time wondering if he was serious. If he’d been less of a coward he might have simply put his head down on the table and groaned, but as it was he just sat stiffly and let everyone else react around him.

“Brightlord, I know we have discussed this before,” Teshav said, “but I think that the objections raised during that discussion still stand. You’re talking about reforming the storming Knights Radiant, people aren’t going to be okay with that.”

“They’re going to have to get used to it,” Dalinar said. Was he trying to sound to self-assured or was that just how his voice was? “The world is changing and people need to change with it.”

“When people normally say that,” Shadow grumbled from Elhokar’s shoulder. “They are talking about legitimate progress not shaping the world to the whims of a old man with delusions of grandeur.”

“I’m not sure I understand how you chose Amaram for this position,” Navani said. “What makes him the right person?”

“He’s an honorable man,” Dalinar said. “He will lead the new Knights Radiant well.”

“Why don’t you just lead them yourself?” Elhokar muttered under his breath. He was a bit surprised by himself for saying it; it appeared Shadow was rubbing off on him. She buzzed appreciatively.

Dalinar looked at him eyebrows raised. Elhokar’s stomach clenched. “Do you have something to add, son?”

“No,” Elhokar muttered ducking his head. “Sorry for interrupting.”

Dalinar looked at him for another moment then nodded curtly and returned to his conversation with Teshav.

~~~~

“Do you have the wording down?” Dalinar asked as they rode to the dueling arena to watch Adolin’s duel Elit.

“I’ve got it,” Elhokar confirmed. “I’ve been practicing the script you gave me. I have it memorized.”

Dalinar nodded in a slightly satisfied manner. “Good.”

The duel and then boon scheme was actually a really good plan, the best one his uncle had ever attempted as far as Elhokar was concerned, which was probably because the girl Shallan Davar has been the one to come up with it. Elhokar was cautiously optimistic about this working and his high profile role in it meant that he would be directly responsible for correcting the error in judgment that had caused him to appoint Sadeas Highprince of Information in the first place. Shadow still got a little huffy when he referred to it like that but the way Elhokar saw it he really should have known better than to trust either of the two men who had helped his father kill his way into power.

“You’re sure?” Dalinar asked again after barely a minute had passed. He was actually really worried about this plan and Elhokar couldn’t tell if it was because he factored so prominently in it, or if Dalinar just really wanted to get Sadeas. He wasn’t sure which he wanted to be.

“I’ve got it,” he assured his uncle again. “It will be fine.”

~~~~

The thing about Elhokar’s life that was somewhere between sad and ironic was that even when he did his utmost to be helpful and not to mess anything up, he always did anyway.

After everything at the duel fell apart, Elhokar practically fled back to the palace. Kaladin Stormblessed was in prison and Sadeas had wormed his way out the trap. It was all Elhokar’s fault.

Elhokar slammed the door to his chambers in the face of his guards. Both were members of the old lighteyed guard. None of the bridgemen had even moved to follow when he’d left. Elhokar figured that they’d officially gone from simply being willing to stand by and let him die on Dalinar’s orders to actively wanting him dead which was always a bad thing for your bodyguards. Things had never been worse.

Elhokar poured himself a goblet of violet wine. It was a pointless thing to do, but there was nothing he could do now. He knew what was coming, and he’d decided that he didn’t want to be completely sober for it.

“I messed up,” he said to Shadow. His hands were shaking so badly he could barely raise the goblet to his mouth without spilling it. “I really, really messed up this time.”

She did not insult him by denying it. “I’ll be right here with you,” she said. “No matter what happens.”

“Thank you,” Elhokar whispered.

There were voices outside in the hallway. Elhokar drained the rest of the goblet and set it next to the pitcher before carefully stepping to the center of the room, trying to brace himself as best he could. The door opened and Dalinar Kholin, the Blackthorn, stalked him. His face was a mask of annoyance and his body was held stiffly. He did not look happy that his plans had been spoiled yet again.

Elhokar had entertained some small hopes of being able to meet Dalinar’s wrath in a manly, stoic way fitting of a king, but the instant he saw his uncle the small measure of courage he’d managed to summon collapsed.

“I’m sorry; I panicked,” he said, his words tripping over each other as they raced to get out of his body. “I had practiced just giving Adolin the boon, and I didn’t know what to do when-”

“Do you understand how far behind Sadeas this has put us, son?” Dalinar interrupted. His voice was cool, much cooler than it had been the day he had thrown Elhokar around the room, but that did not make Elhokar feel any safer. He backed away by instinct, cursed himself for the cowardice, but didn’t stop.

“You knew what you were supposed to do,” Dalinar said. He sounded so calm. It was worse that it would have been if he was yelling. How was Elhokar supposed to know when he was going to attack like this? “There were ways to deal with Captain Kaladin without letting Sadeas get away. I was trusting you to find them.”

Elhokar’s back hit the wall. There was no where else to retreat to. When was Dalianar going to attack? When was he going to say that he had decided Elhokar wasn’t worth the effort necessary to keep him alive? Elhokar was shaking so hard he felt like he was going to collapse. He could hear buzzing, but he wasn’t sure if it was Shadow or his own ears.

“I’m sorry,” he whimpered.

Dalinar ran a hand through his hair. “I know you are, son,” he said. “We were just so close…”

“Brightlord,” a voice said.

Dalinar turned towards the guard standing in the doorway. “Yes?”

The guard--Koen--saluted. “Brightlady Navani Kholin is outside. Do you want to see her?”

“Yes,” Dalinar said. “Let her in.”

Koen nodded and saluted again before heading out of the room. Dalinar didn’t look away from the door and Elhokar tried to pull himself back to together. He cursed himself for being so weak. A real Alethi man would be able act unaffected, but it had already been established that Elhokar was a failure at everything even performing gender. He shouldn’t be surprised by how weak and unmasculine he was being.

Koen held the door open and Navani came in. She looked just as frustrated as Dalinar had. “I can’t see any loopholes in Sadeas’s response,” she said to Dalinar. “I’ll look more thoroughly, but I don’t think we’re going to be able to get him and Adolin into a dueling ring any sooner than next year like he specified.”

Elhokar wanted to melt into the floor from shame.

“Thank you for trying,” Dalinar said. He sounded tired not angry, which didn’t make any sense.

Navani looked past Dalinar. “Are you alright, Elhokar?”

Too late, Elhokar realized he was still leaning against the wall like he was about to slide down to the floor (which to be fair, he was). He attempted to straighten up. “I’m okay,” he said in a disgusting, trembling voice. “Everything’s fine.” He winced. What a lie.

“Elhokar,” Navani said. “It’s alright. You’re not to blame for panicking; the bridgeman was out of line and should have realized that what he did would mess up the plan. There were better ways you could have dealt with the situation, but we’ll find another way to corner Sadeas.”

Elhokar couldn’t handle it. He couldn’t see Dalinar’s face so he had no idea how he was reacting to what Navani was saying. Elhokar needed to get out of here. As far as he knew Navani didn’t know what Dalinar had done to convince Elhokar to name him Highprince of War. Dalinar had probably never told her and Elhokar didn’t want to know what Dalinar would do if the secret somehow got out. He needed to get away from here before he did something to blow it.

“I’m sorry,” he got out. His voice was still trembling. “But I have...something...that I need to be doing. I should go.”

He left the room without waiting for a response.

~~~~

Surprisingly, Dalinar never moved to restart a conversation about Elhokar’s failure at the duel. Elhokar had no idea why that was, but waiting for it was almost worse than it happening. He was barely sleeping. He was drinking more than ever. He was drowning in his own failure. Shadow tried to help, but Elhokar was mostly tuning her out these days. None of her encouragement was helpful, especially not now that there was ample proof that everything she said about him was a lie.

When Dalinar and the others made their plans to march into the Shattered Plains to take the Parshendi in their own home, Elhokar stayed out of the way. He’d made it blatantly clear that he ruined any plan he touched so it was for that was for the best. He couldn’t even look any of the bridgeman guards in the face and half expected one to put a spear through his back in revenge. He half believed that was what he deserved.

~~~~

In some ways, everyone leaving for the Shattered Plains and traditional Alethi glory was a relief, if only because it meant he could drink himself into a stupor without worrying about his mother or Dalinar walking in on him. Elhokar paced his chambers, goblet held in one hand. He was steady on his feet, but fully aware that was only because of the Stormlight. Shadow buzzed tensely on his shoulder. “Maybe you should stop,” he said. “Or at least eat something; I’m worried about you.”

“You shouldn't be,” Elhokar said. “I’ve destroyed everything.”

“Elhokar-”

“Don’t give me any more of that,” Elhokar spat. “This is exactly why I never wanted to become king. I never told you that before, did I? I wasn’t really sad when my father died; I just really didn’t want to be king. Granted, Dalinar was the only one who really was sad; Jasnah took our father’s death as a person failure, and I don’t know how Mother felt, but still: my father died and I was more worried about taking the position I’d been raised for from birth than sad for him!”

“Oh,” Shadow said in a strange tone of voice. “You realize that was a Truth, don’t you? Elhokar-”

And then Elhokar was falling through nothing. He reached out, fingers stretching for a table or a chair or anything to grab on to, but there was nothing. He braced himself to slam into the Soulcast stone floor, but he didn’t. He splashed into an ocean of beads.

He sunk down into the beads, the descent slower than water but still steady. They closed over his head and he struggled, trying to swim back to the surface, but he just kept sinking further and further down. He thrashed in panic, but that only made him sink faster. Vaguely he could hear Shadow screaming for him, but he couldn’t respond. There were beads in his ears and mouth and throat. He was going to drown in them. He was going to die here, wherever here was. He wanted to return to his chambers were it was safe. He wanted to go back to badly.

He back hit solid stone and the beads vanished. He was lying on his back on his chamber floor. Shadow was twisting in terrified circles next to his head, buzzing loudly.

“What was that?” he asked. His voice sounded wrong even though the beads were all gone. There was not even a taste left. “Please tell me it was a dream.”

“That was Shadesmar,” Shadow said tremulously. She was almost as freaked out as he was. “In time you’ll learn to-”

Elhokar didn’t wait to hear the rest of what she was going to say. He scrambled to his feet which were now unsteady for reasons that had nothing to do with all the alcohol he’d consumed. He crossed to the door and hauled it open. “Moash?”

“Yes?” Moash asked. “Your Majesty?” For something reason his honorifics always sounded tacked on, like he had to remind himself to say them.

“Get my carriage,” Elhokar ordered. “I need to speak to your captain.”

~~~~

Kaladin Stormblessed was supposed to be confined to his quarters recovering from his chasmfiend wounds, too weak to come to the palace to supervise his men. Elhokar knew this because he’d asked for the man once or twice figuring that was probably what he was supposed to do in Dalinar’s absence and had been told that the bridgeman couldn’t come. Elhokar wasn’t sure why he was surprised to find that Kaladin was actually well enough to go on walks around the warcamp in the middle of the Weeping but was still backing out of his duties; after all, Elhokar wouldn’t want to be anywhere near the man that had gotten him thrown into prison either.

Knowing that, Elhokar wasn’t sure why he was standing in the bridgeman’s quarters waiting for him. He should go back to the palace, but he had no idea how to deal with what had just happened to him. Kaladin Stormblessed seemed like the only person who might be able to help. There had always been something not quite normal about him, even before Adolin had sworn up and down that the bridgeman had somehow healed from a Shardblade wound during the Assassin’s attack.

“Your Majesty?” a voice asked just as Elhokar was starting to wonder if the bridgeman was ever going to return.

“Ah,” Elhokar said, turning around. “Bridgeman. This is really all that Dalinar assigns one of his officers? That man. He expects everyone to live with his own austerity. It is as if he’s completely forgotten how to enjoy himself.”

Kaladin and Moash exchanged an obviously judging look and Elhokar hoped he wasn’t turning red. He didn’t really care what kind of quarters Dalinar had given Kaladin, he had just wanted to say something to cover up the awkwardness and to keep from getting carried away thinking about how much this man must hate him. Obviously, he’d just made things worse. Again.

He tried again, “I was told you were too weak to make the trip to see me. I see that might not be the case.” Also bad. He winced internally. Can’t you say anything right?

“I’m sorry, Your Majesty,” Kaladin replied. “I’m not well, but I walk the camp each day to rebuild my strength. I feared that my weakness and appearance might be offensive to the Throne.”

“You’ve learned to speak politically, I see,” Elhokar loathed political-speak. It made it much too easy to read between the lines and think the speaker hated you, though, to be fair, most people did hate the people they used political-speak on. “The truth is that my command is meaningless, even to a darkeyes. I no longer have authority in the eyes of men.”

Storms, that was way to honest. He should never have come here. He was panicky, exhausted and just a little too drunk to make good decisions about what to say. He should have waited until he could hold his tongue.

“Out, you other two,” he ordered Moash and Taka. “I’d speak to this man alone.” At least this way he’d only humiliate himself in front of Kaladin.

When Moash and Taka were gone, Elhokar tried to figure out what to say. He hadn’t even know what he’d have said if Kaladin had come to the palace, and he wasn’t entirely sure what had driven him to come here today.

“How did you know how to be a hero?” he blurted out.

The question surprised the bridgeman and it surprised Elhokar for a second too, but only for a second. He was supposed to be a Knight Radiant. How was he supposed to do that if he didn’t know how to be a hero?

Kaladin said something inane about luck and then Elhokar was talking again. He was rambling about how he was always failing at being king and disappointing everyone. He’d never been this honest to anyone other than Jasnah and Shadow, and he could tell that he was making Kaladin uncomfortable. Finally Elhokar managed to rein in the torrent of words and cursed himself for coming here. He was in the exact wrong frame of mind for this.

“I want to be a king like my father was,” he finished. “I want to lead men, and I want them to respect me.”

“I don’t…” Kaladin said. “I don’t know if that’s possible, Your Majesty.”

Elhokar held himself very still. “Do you think me a bad king, bridgeman?” he asked slowly once he’d regained the ability to speak.

“Yes,” Kaladin said.

He had the honestly, the decency, to look Elhokar in the eye as he said it and some very small part of Elhokar was grateful for that even as hearing someone say exactly what he’d feared people believed about him for most of his life tore him apart inside. He tried to balance the full soul-crushing weight of Kaladin’s words where it wouldn’t destroy anything major until he was safely alone.

“Well,” he said because he needed to say something to make it seem like that word hadn’t hurt. Gavilar would have just let the comment roll off and then magically it would have turned into ammunition he could use. Dalinar would have simply killed anyone who insulted him. Elhokar could do neither. All he could do was hang on and hope Kaladin couldn’t see how that little word was going to destroy him. “I did ask. I merely have to win you over as well. I will figure this out. I will be a king to be remembered.” That sounded confident, right? Or did it just sound pathetic? He couldn’t decide.

“Or you could do what is best for Alethkar and step down,” Kaladin said, still brutally honest.

That almost broke Elhokar’s precious wall of calm. “Do not overstep yourself, bridgeman,” he snapped. “I should never have come here.”

“I agree,” Kaladin said, coolly but without a hint of malice.

Elhokar fled. He did not mention the strange place full of beads.

~~~~

After returning from the bridgemen’s barracks, Elhokar headed directly for his chambers. He tried without success to ignore the presence of the other guards, but it was hard. They were whispering and shooting each other looks behind his back. Every once and a while he heard what they were saying, whispers of the same things Kaladin had said. They all thought he was a terrible king who should step down. They all thought Dalinar would be better off in charge.

Perhaps they were right. Who was to say that if Gavilar and Navani hadn’t had another son that child wouldn’t have become king? Perhaps if Gavilar had been able to see the true depths of his son’s weakness and cowardice he would have made Dalinar heir. Elhokar had always assumed that his life would be better if Gavilar had survived but perhaps then his life would have ended in a convenient accident to get rid of an unworthy heir to the throne.

The guards would not stop whispering. It was driving Elhokar mad. He knew he was unfit. He knew that he was failing. Why did they have to rub his face in it?

By the time they reached his chambers he was shaking so badly he could barely stand. He pulled the door open by himself and leaned against it. What did it matter if he looked weak when everyone already knew he was?

“Stay out here,” he told Moash and Taka. His voice was shaking and he hated it. He hated himself.

“But--Your Majesty--” Moash said. “How are we supposed to protect you if we can’t see you?” His tone of voice sounded almost mocking but surely Elhokar was just imagining that.

“I don’t care,” Elhokar growled. “Stay out of my sight.” Then he forced himself into his chambers and slammed the door behind him.

He stumbled across the room and poured a goblet of violet wine. He spilled a not inconsiderable amount all over the table, but he didn’t care. He practically dumped the contents of the goblet down his throat and poured another and then another.

Shadow buzzed sharply. At some point she’s transferred from his shoulder to the table. Though she had no face he got the distinct feeling that she was judging him with a raised eyebrow. “What?” He asked.

“I wish you wouldn’t drink so much,” Shadow said. “Do you feel better about yourself when you do?”

“Does it matter?” Elhokar snapped.

“You don’t need to do this,” Shadow said. “You could do great things if you just tried.”

“Haven’t you been listening?” Elhokar asked. “The only great thing I could do is get out Dalinar’s way.” He downed another swallow of wine.

“Never,” Shadow snarled. “You must never let that man gain any more power than he currently has.”

“But I’m failing,” Elhokar said choking back a sob. “You heard them. They all know it.”

“Then you need to keep trying,” Shadow said. “And if you fail again you need to try again. You are a Knight Radiant; you cannot lie down and let people take everything from you.”

“Where are you pulling these delusions out of?” Elhokar finished off the goblet. “I’m not a Knight Radiant. Amaram is the leader of the Knights Radiant--or he was, at least--and no one would ever let me join magic powers or no magic powers.”

“I chose you not Amaram,” Shadow snarled. “Do you insult me by suggesting that I didn’t know what I was doing?”

“You don’t remember much about before you came here!” Elhokar shot back. He was shouting, but he found he didn’t particularly care if the guards heard. “How do you know that you knew what you were doing?”

“I knew what I was doing,” Shadow said sharply. “I remember enough to know that I knew.”

Elhokar snorted and turned away from her. He went to refill his goblet, then just tossed it aside and drank directly from the bottle. The violet wine burned like fire going down, but he didn’t care, he even enjoyed it.

“Elhokar,” Shadow said, very quietly, almost like she was afraid to set him off again. “Regardless of everything, you really shouldn’t be drinking tonight. Something bad is going to happen. It’s not safe.”

“I don’t care,” Elhokar said and took another swig from the bottle.

#the stormlight archive #stormlight archive #words of radiance #elhokar kholin #dalinar kholin #original spren character #kaladin stormblessed #moash #elhokar kholin has social anxiety #elhokar needs a hug #things are not going well #canon divergent au #I promise this will actually manage to diverge in part four #emjenenla #Emjen writes #tw: domestic violence #tw: self loathing

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preservationandruin · 7 years

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Words of Radiance Part Five Part One

We’re in the home stretch! Let’s do this thing!

Dalinar sets off on his expedition, Amaram gets FUCKING OWNED, I proceed to go off on a fucking rant because Amaram talked about honor one time too many, Shallan outs herself and Jasnah as Radiants, Rlain comes back, Elhokar’s Incompetence Rant pt.1, the Parshendi start singing a very ominous song, I’m gay for Radiants ,and Kaladin has a revelation.

This part is titled Winds Alight and we have the points of view of basically everyone--Kaladin, Shallan, Dalinar, Adolin, and Wit. Let’s get this show on the road, gang!

Our epigraphs here are from the Diagram, which is interesting.

Kaladin is beating himself up for killing Syl, which, good. He deserves that. He also is getting toward the Weeping, which is awful for him--it’s when his Seasonal Affective Disorder kicks in hardcore. He gets Lopen and they go to watch the army leave. Lopen suggests that to get Syl back he buy her something nice, which is just so...Lopen. I love him.

Kaladin also realizes Dalinar’s force is what he always dreamed of following into battle. It’s the army he fantasized about as a child. And Sebarial, of all people, has joined Dalinar into the fight.

Hell. Yes.

And ooooooh loooook, Amaram is coming in his fancy gold knight radiant cloak with his fancy shardblade and fancy armor and yes I am still and will always be bitter as fuck about Amaram in general. Amaram is like oooOOOOOOooooo we should SEND SEBARIAL AWAY he’s UNTRUSTWORTHY and wow pot, kettle, black??

And of course, Aladar comes too. Meanwhile, Ialai points out that she and Sadeas could have a coup. Sadeas literally would--he would kill Elhokar just for fucking power. He just doesn’t think he has to.

God, he’s a waste of investiture.

Also, Ialai is the one who had an assassin with the bridges--it’s her fault that Kaladin and Shallan pitched into the chasm. Which let Shallan figure out where the Oathgate was.

NICE GOING IALAI.

Anyway, Aladar was one of Sadeas’ biggest supporters. And he finally can’t convince himself to support Sadeas when Dalinar is out there doing the right thing. Aladar and Dalinar even have a moment where Aladar is like listen, you know I’m not some shining knight, I have blood on your hands, and Dalinar’s like, well, I’m not either, but we’re what we’ve got.

Amaram is like ooOOOOoooOOOO it would be SO COOL if we could WIN THIS ALL ON OUR OWN we shoudn’t WORK TOGETHER DAL and Dalinar’s like, that’s bullshit. And then he sees Kaladin and asks Amaram to come with him.

God, the first time I read this I was entirely made out of anxiety.

Anyway, Kaladin is seeing the men off, and they’re yelling at him for walking around on a badly injured leg.

“I thought,” Kaladin noted, “That I was your commander.” “Nah, can’t be,” Teft said, “because our commander would be smart enough to stay in bed.” “And eat much stew,” Rock said. “I left you stew to eat while I am gone.”

I LOVE BRIDGE FOUR

Also they see Dalinar coming and Rock is like wow now you’re definitely screwed. Also I would like to note that all of bridge four doesn’t trust Amaram.

Also, Moash was left to guard the King, and Kaladin nearly dies upon realizing that. And then we get the exchange that causes my soul to ascend from this mortal plain.

“Amaram,” Dalinar said, waving for the highlord to step up. “You told me that you’d never seen this man before arriving here on the Shattered Plains. Is that true?” Kaladin met the eyes of a murderer. “Yes,” Amaram said. “What of his claim that you took his Blade and Plate from him?” Dalinar asked. “Brightlord,” Amaram said, taking Dalinar by the arm, “[insert bullshit sanctimony that I don’t want to type out] But his allegations regarding me are obviously preposterous.” Dalinar nodded to himself, as if this were all expected. “I believe an apology is due.” Kaladin struggled to remain upright, his leg feeling weak. So this would be his final punishment. Apologizing to Amaram in public. A humiliation beyond all others. “I--” Kaladin began.” “Not you, son,” Dalinar said softly.

Not you, son. Not you, son. Not you, son.

Not you, son.

I shit you not, the first time I read that I yelled aloud in the middle of class. This is the single most evocative sentence in the book for me--and it’s three words. But it flips your perception of what Dalinar’s been doing on it’s head, cuts through the building anxiety like a knife, and fuCKS UP AMARAM ROYALLY.

Dalinar had been laying an intricate trap for Amaram that required him to be a cheating, lying backstabbing son of a bitch--and Amaram, being a cheating lying backstabbing son of a bitch, fell for it completely. Dalinar is trusting.

That doesn’t mean he’s stupid.

“Sometimes good men must die so that greater goals must be accomplished.” THAT’S THE BULLSHIT THAT YOU ALL ARE PULLING, ISN’T IT, AMARAM. SONS OF HONOR MY FUCKING ASS. YOU DON’T KNOW HONOR FROM YOUR OWN SHIT. STOP SPITTING SANCTIMONY, YOU MURDERER. YOU DON’T EVEN FUCKING REGRET IT. YOU THINK YOU’RE THE SECOND COMING OF SOME FUCKING HERO WHEN YOU’RE JUST A CRAVEN, POWER-GRUBBING BASTARD WHO CAN’T POSSIBLY COMPREHEND THAT A SLAVE MIGHT BE MORE IMPORTANT IN THE SCHEME OF THINGS THAN YOU ARE. I WANT CULTIVATION TO LEARN THAT YOU’RE USING THE NAME OF HER DEAD PARTNER TO CONDONE CRAVEN, DISHONORABLE, CORRUPT BULLSHIT AND I WANT HER TO TEAR YOU APART. BETTER YET, I WANT YOU TO DIE KNOWING FOREVER THAT KALADIN IS MORE CRUCIAL TO THE SALVATION OF ROSHAR THAN YOU ARE, AND THAT THE HERALDS ABANDONED YOU. HONOR IS DEAD, AMARAM. HONOR IS DEAD AND YOU DO NOTHING.

SOMEONE WHO KNEW WHAT HONOR WAS WOULDN’T HAVE KILLED KALADIN’S MEN. SOMEONE WHO KNEW WHAT HONOR WAS WOULDN’T HAVE LIED. SOMEONE WHO KNEW WHAT HONOR WAS WOULDN’T HAVE WATCHED WHILE SADEAS TRIED TO CRIPPLE ADOLIN AND RENARIN. SOMEONE WHO KNEW WHAT HONOR WAS WOULDN’T STEAL AND KILL FOR HIS OWN PERSONAL POWER.

YOU CAN’T SAY SHIT ABOUT HONOR, MERIDAS AMARAM. YOU AREN’T WORTHY TO EVEN TALK ABOUT IT BECAUSE CLEARLY, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT MEANS.

um. anyway. the plot. that thing. I should probably get back to it.

“Thank you,” Kaladin said to Dalinar, “For believing me.” “I do listen sometimes, soldier,” Dalinar said. “Now go back to camp and get some rest.”

GOOD DAD, BEST DAD.

Also, Dalinar notes that holding a Shardblade feels wrong to him. Those Radiant Senses are tingling.

The Diagram notes that Szeth could possibly put extra strain on people who are exploring the Nahel bond, and lead to them becoming Radiants sooner. Which kind of happens, but not in the exact way they think--it’s keeping Kaladin away from Dalinar--and near Elhokar--that causes the problem.

Whoops.

Shallan and Adolin are flirting, by which I mean Adolin is teasing her for having a slow horse and she’s threatening to remove his toes.

There are further hints of a burgeoning love triangle that I am deliberately ignoring because I refuse to even think about that happening. No. Don’t you dare, Brandon. And Shallan finally actually gets a copy of Words of Radiance.

Also it mentions “women who could melt a stone with a touch” and a) DUSTBRINGERS PLEASE TELL ME MORE and b) I’m. gay.

Also Navani offers to help Shallan with her work, realizing that she should have offered much sooner. Also we get a wonderful line from Navani: “My little Jasnah, insufferable and wonderful.”

Shallan also tells Navani that Jasnah was a Surgebinder.

Kaladin is dealing with the Weeping. And Moash, in this chilling moment:

“Sometimes lives must be spent for the greater good,” Kaladin said. “Yes, exactly!” “That’s what Amaram said. In regards to my friends, whom he murdered to cover up his secrets.” “Well, that’s different, obviously. He’s a lighteyes.” Kaladin looked to Moash, whose eyes had turned as light a tan as those of any Brightlord. Same color as Amaram’s, actually. “So are you.”

Fuck, that’s a powerful Not So Different moment. Although Moash brushes it off and then leaves.

The diagram has an interesting fragment: “We must find one [honorblade] Can we make to use a truthless can we craft a weapon” So the diagram may have been behind Szeth being called Truthless. Yikes. He’s not going to like that.

Anyway, Shallan likes the Weeping, and is drawing Jasnah in one of her last moments--tired, terrified, in the cabin of the ship.

And Shallan tells Dalinar that she’s a radiant. By making a small image of Jasnah. This is just a deeply important moment. Dalinar then thinks to make Shallan lead them, and Shallan is like. hell no. nope. not me.

Dalinar just lead them yourself.

Dalinar stopped in place, and stared at her in surprise. Then he grunted, his face barely visible. “I see Jasnah in you.” Rarely had Shallan been given such a compliment.

And then they find a Parshendi body with red eyes. Yikes. And also, Rlain comes back! Well, Shen, but he’s Rlain, and he’s Bridge Four. Fuck yeah.

“Yes. [Eshonai] was my commander. But now...Sir, I have reason to believe that everyone I know...everyone I loved...has been destroyed, monsters left in their place. The listeners, the Parshendi, may be no more. I have nothing left...” “Yes you do,” Skar said from outside the ring of guards. “You’re Bridge Four.” Rlain looked at him. “I’m a traitor.” “Ha!” Rock said. “Is little problem. Can be fixed.”

I LOVE BRIDGE FOUR SO MUCH.

Also Shallan is doing scouting and apparently Dalinar was just like “Get Shallan to come back and if she doesn’t tell her that I’ll send Adolin to cart her back over his shoulder” and Shallan is like “nice sounds hot anyway, science”

Anyway, Shallan finding the Oathgate is the only real retreat plan that the army has, so like, no pressure.

Kaladin is dealing with the Weeping and his injury, and getting through the training ground while limping. Also, when he gets back, Elhokar is there, waiting for him--aaaaand Elhokar is drunk.

Wonderful. Also I love how every time they describe Elhokar they point out that he has a big nose.

So we get Elhokar Inadequacy Rant no.1. Elhokar is sharp--he notices that there is a pattern of heroism around Kaladin, and he also knows that he himself doesn’t have any success--he gives himself a brutal smackdown of his own flaws:

“When I try to be strong, I make a fool of myself. When I try to be merciful, people walk all over me. When I try to listen to counsel, it turns out I’ve picked the wrong men! When I try to do everything on my own, Dalinar has to take over lest I ruin the kingdom. How do people know what to do? Why don’t I know what to do? I was born to this office, given the throne by the Almighty himself! Why would he give me the title, but not the capacity?”

Like, he’s going about this wrong, but god, this shit is fucking relateable. Elhokar does not have the personality of a good leader. But he can’t exactly not lead, becuase the kingdom still holds to the divine right of kings. So he grasps at straws, too uncertain of himself to make a solid choice one way or the other, too proud to admit his mistakes, craving flattery because it reassures him he’s not useless but knowing at the same time in his heart that it’s all a fucking lie.

Anyway, Kaladin refuses to teach him, and says he’s a bad king. Elhokar did ask. Also, Elhokar notes that when Kaladin came, the “shadows”--what Elhokar saw in mirrors and the corners of his eyes--left. Interesting. Very interesting.

The Diagram here mentions the Unmade and the fact that some of them can probably think.

With Dalinar, they’re about to actually join in battle with the Parshendi. Aladar freaks out because holy shit, Voidbringers, and Dalinar basically gives him a “get ahold of yourself” speech to get him to actually lead.

Okay, here’s a main difference between Dalinar’s viewpoint and Amaram’s. Dalinar is willing to sacrifice his army to stop the voidbringers, true. But he is only doing that because he is taking the same risk. He will lead that army because he wouldn’t ask them to go if he wasn’t at the lead, taking the same risk.

I’m going out on a fucking limb and saying that Amaram isn’t willing to go through what he put Kaladin through. Or what he did to Kaladin’s men. He thinks he’s too important to risk himself, and that’s why he’s such a sanctimonious ass.

Also, Dalinar gives impassioned speeches to Roion and Aladar, and then Sebarial is like where’s mine and Dalinar’s like you...can just go into the command tent and Sebarial is like Nice.

Time for another Good Dalinar Battle Speech: Yes, those are Voidbringers. Yes, we’re going to fight them. I don’t know what they can do. I don’t know why they’ve returned. But we came here to stop them.

I know you’re scared, but you have heard of my visions in the highstorms. In the warcamps, the lighteyes mocked me and dismissed what I’d seen as delusions. Well out there, you see proof that my visions were true! Out there, you see what I have been told would come!

I have been sent by the Almighty himself to save this land from another Desolation. I have seen what those things can do; I have lived lives broken by the Voidbringers. I’ve seen kingdoms shattered, peoples ruined, technology forgotten. I’ve seen civilization itself brought to the trembling edge of collapse.

We will prevent this! Today you fight not for the weath of a lighteyes, or even for the honor of your king. Today, you fight for the good of all men. You will not fight alone! Trust in what I have seen, trust in my words. If those things have returned, then so must the forces that once defeated them. We will see miracles before this day is out, men! We merely have to be strong enough to deserve them.

And then the Parshendi start singing, and it’s a completely new song that is more frenetic, and Rlain is freaking the fuck out. He says that Dalinar has to stop the song at all costs.

Back over to Kaladin. He’s wading through the training ground, which is now a small lake. He goes to seek out Zahel, who has strung up a hammock on lightning rods because he fears neither god nor man. As well he should--I mean, it’s Vasher.

His metaphors remain hilarious.

“Excellent deduction. Like fresh blue paint on a wall.”

Anyway, Zahel asks what Kaladin wants.

“Have you ever had to choose between two equally distasteful choices?” “Every day I choose to keep breathing.” “I worry something awful is going to happen. I can prevent it, but the awful thing...it might be best for everyone if it does happen.” “Huh.” “No advice?” “Choose the option that makes it easiest for you to sleep at night. That’s what I wish I’d done.”

This turns out to be the exact advice Kaladin needs to hear, tbh. He grabs a spear and goes to try to practice. He also starts literally yelling at the storm. And he realizes the rationale he’s using--”It’s right to remove the wounded limb. This is what we have to do, to stay alive” is the rationale that was used to kill Tien.

And Kaladin realizes that for Dalinar, Elhokar is Tien.

#stormlight archive liveblog #i loathe meridas amaram #FUCK YEAH BRIDGE FOUR #elhokar is trying his best #hi vasher

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