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syntia13treeman · 1 month

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Case files 13.01

CAT3RB4622-17092023-14032024

what I think happened in:

Case 13.01, the case of "The Zorrotrade App" or "Play stupid games, win stupid prizes: Cryptobro edition"

What we know about the Zorrotrade App:

It likely has no government oversight.

It does some weird background checks of new users.

It allows users to engage in highly profitable and borderline illegal financial exploits.

They have some shady experimental features that are not advertised, hidden under a tonne of submenus and must be found and opted in by the user. (Free will, babey).

They have an Adjustment Department.

What we suspect about the Zorrotrage App:

It's magic.

One of magical perks is protectingusers phone from being stolen;

One of magical cons is compulsive truth spell included in their support line answerphone.

Another magical con: the Adjustment Department.

So let's meet a Zorrotrade user. Darrien Laurel (account number 428813). He had no shame, no self-awareness and no sense of decency. Also not a shred of common sense.

He came from a poor family (though considering his definition of 'broke' I'm not sure if his parents were actually poor, or just 'won't buy me a porshe' 'poor'). He went to private public expensive high school thanks to a scholarship, which – props to him, for this thing and this thing only. Boo to anything else he did with his life.

After school he took student loan, and instead of spending in on studying, he sunk it all in financial speculations (This has to be illegal, right? Aren't there stipulation in the contract about the permissible uses of the loan?) He used every trick in the book (specifically, the "book of things that are shady as fuck and are only technically legal because rich people benefit from them"). Shorting (and possibly indirectly bankrupting) startup companies and trading in cryptocurrency among them.

He used the funds he acquired this way for the ever so important business of impressing his former classmates, getting plastic surgeries, and buying excessive and excessively expensive shit. (Your suitcase does not have to cost a 1000 dollars, you prick). (Why are you buying in dollars, anyway? Did you have that imported from USA? Use pounds or euros like a proper European, asshat).

Then, in 2020, a tragedy: while he was peacefully sailing with his good friend Oli somewhere south of France, one bad investment left him broke – that is to say, just with a few thousands worth of clothes on his back (and in his 1000$ suitcase) (and the watch on his wrist) (and just a few thousands of savings to throw away on a whim).

Truly, a more devastating blow has never been dealt to anyone in human history.

This is when he discovered that his rich 'friends' really did hate him all along. More importantly, he discovered the experimental feature on his favourite app, "Personal Projection Short Selling". There were no instructions, but by stroke of bad decisions and bad luck (blindly investing most of his remaining money + getting drank + braking his friend's TV, and getting kicked out of Oli's yacht, + getting kicked in the face by some muggers respectively) Darrien worked out that it was functionally a wager against his own good fortune.

Another entry into Things that Darrien Did Not Have: a drop of self-preservation.

Imagine stumbling into an illegal casino in an alleyway somewhere, winning your first game by chance, and immediately deciding to start playing there every night, with loaded dice, winning a lot and occasionally getting caught and getting your teeth kicked in.

Darrien did this, but he skipped a few steps. His new business plan went like this:

Put in a wager that he'll have a Bad Day.

Arrange to get seriously hurt and/or destroy one of your relationships, therefore having a Bad Day and winning the wager.

Profit

He spent several weeks knocking around the south of France, purposefully getting into fights (arguments with friends and brawls with strangers both) and accidents. He was getting harmed and isolated and felt it was all worth it because he got paid every time.

I'm going to give him a pass on never questioning how this worked, because at this point I'm fairly sure it's influence off the app itself. It's not constant supernaturalsurveillanceyou're looking for /Jedi hand-wave/ It's perfectly normal for your life's misfortunes to be monetizable. /Jedi hand-wave/ It's all good! Chill! /Jedi hand-wave/

What I can't just hand-wave is Darrien's grand finale. His famous One Last Job, then I Retire I Promise.

He 'invested' a million pounds (£ 1 000 000), burned all the bridges with his family, friends and even strangers on the internet, and then jumped off a cliff. A literal, honest to gods, not metaphorical cliff.

Sir. SIR. There's gambling with your life, and then there's this.

He lost one leg, along with structural integrity of several pretty important internal organs and bones – and he was happy upon waking, because he was (doped up on painkillers) already counting the money he was surely going to get.

Alas, reality check – this was the Find Out part of his ultimate round of Fuck Around.

He loaded his dice, he stacked his deck, he used his cheatcodes – it was only a matter of time before somebody noticed and demanded refund. (somebody knew all along – they were just waiting for the stakes to be really worth it).

This time, the app did not pay up. This time, the app called foul and demanded that he pay up – or be Adjusted.

Predictably, Darrien Laurel was not happy with this outcome and he wanted to Speak to the Manager of this Application.

He called the support line. He threatened the answerphone with legal consequences. (now they hear you). He told the answerphone his life story, up to and including his current hospitalization. (now they know you). And at the end, almost as an afterthought, he said his full name and app account number. (now they own you).

The answerphone dutifully transferred the call to adjustments department. Somebody from adjustments department crawled out of the phone and onto Darrien's bed. The call got disconnected. Darriel Laurel… got Adjusted.

Well. That sure was something. Final thoughts:

Remember when I yelled about Fae rules in case file 05-01? Do not take their money food, do not give them your name. Darriel broke those rules, and just look what happened! Well,

we don't actually know what happened. My first knee-jerk reaction was to say 'he got eated', but Personal Adjustment sounds… much more painful than just death by Mrs. Spider's mandibles. (I keep calling her that, but for some reason my mental image of that last scene is a weird metal centipede skittering out of the phone speaker that's much too small to fit it). I wonder if we'll meet Darriel, or at least some of him, again somewhere down the line. (Would he be like Needles, or more like Not-Arthur?) The incident happened about 6 month prior to Sam hearing it. Is that enough time for a new unholy abomination to incubate? Or… ripen? Whatever the 'adjustment' process entails.

This is the third time we've seen a man changing their fortune through pain. And we know it's possible to game the system successfully, because the 19th century violinist did it – he died of old age, more or less satisfied with his life. Mr. Die and Darrien could never. (Smh. Kids these days. No patience, no self-discipline).

This is… how many times now that we've seen someone's body being transformed? {Not-Arthur, RedCanary (? missing eyes at least), Daria(? - partial, self inflicted), Dr. 'Jasmine bush' Samuel, Cinema Tom(? - potentially), Needles(?), Mr. Bonzo(?), Error(?), Crypto Darrien} That's 3 up to 9, I think. Something definitely likes to play play-do with human flesh.

#the magnus protocol #tmagp case files #tmagp case 13.01 #tmagp 13 #Zorrotrade #ep. written by Alexander J. Newall #ep. written by A.J.N+J.S.#Personal Adjustment #Darriel Laurel #Mrs. Spider #so many connections #Can somebody find my some red string? I gave away mine.#tmagp

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