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my-child-is · 3 years

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My Child is Neurotypical

So I made a few...dozen...posts on twitter about my experiences being neurodivergent. They’re a roughly 60/40 split between being autistic and having adhd with heavy overlap. They take the form of a parent in denial saying “My child is neurotypical” and the response of “Your child is X” where X is a common neurodivergent experience phrased as if coming from a teacher.

(I’ll be updating these as I make more)

Classroom

Your child was a pleasure to have in class

Your child can’t focus unless they’re playing with something

Your child has awful handwriting

Your child is tapping their foot through class

Your child just needs to apply themselves. They can clearly do the work but keep making silly mistakes

Your child had a breakdown over not getting all their homework done

Your child is quiet and struggling to stay on task

Your child thinks school was indistinguishable from torture but struggles without the structure

Your child needs outside structure or they can’t figure out what to do first

Sensory - Sound

Your child hears the CRT TV noise (double this if they hate it)

Your child needs to cover their ears any time you use a blender

Your child wants to know where that buzzing is coming from

Your child can tell if the fridge has been opened recently from the other room

Sensory - Touch

Your child can’t wear rough or slippery fabrics

Your child hates any texture beyond flannel (any other distinctive texture works too)

Your child hates tags on clothing

Your child overheats in thick socks

Your child wears sportswear but hates sports (@checkerfired1 on twitter)

Your child thinks water has a strange texture

Your child finds showering exhausting but also doesn’t want to get out at the end

Your child can’t stand the feeling of oil on their skin

Sensory - Light

Your child sat in the dark from noon til sunset before starting their day

Your child thinks sunlight is ‘too much’

Memory

Your child forgot they were hungry halfway through making dinner

Your child has had midnight new years pass by because they forgot to wait for it

Your child can’t keep a grasp on time

Your child is confused about how it’s already evening

Your child has over 50 tabs open in chrome

Your child can only ‘wing it’ because they always forget what they planned to say

Your child made a list of what they needed to do and forgot to check it

Your child came up with a ‘my child is neurotypical’ post but forgot

Stimulation

Your child can’t focus without background music

Your child thinks everybody is exhausted after conversations

Your child drinking caffeine is like a roulette wheel in its effects

Your child struggles thinking while seated

Your child likes to constantly be chewing on something

Your child finds crowds overwhelming

Your child finds existing at night less exhausting

Sleep

Your child is reading this in the middle of the night

All of your child’s friends live on the opposite side of the world because they can’t maintain a traditional sleep schedule

Your child had midnight new years pass by because they’re normally awake well past then even as an adult

Your child has trouble quieting their brain to sleep

Dyspraxia

Your child is extremely klutzy

Your child’s phone typing is riddled with typos

Empathy

Your child felt guilty for bumping into the table

Your child is painfully uncomfortable watching shows with awkward situations

Your child cries even thinking about somebody being in pain

Your child is extremely trusting with new people they just met

Emotions

Your child has lots of mood swings

Your child hates compliments because they’re sure they’ll disappoint and alienate anyone who thinks anything good about them (from @MaebyIsSweet on twitter)

Sharing

Your child shares extremely personal experiences with people they just met

Your child can talk for hours about the same subject without getting tired

Communication

Your child learned nonverbal communication from the family dog/cat

Your child gets frustrated because people can’t understand them

Your child has been discussing the same topic for 30 minutes without taking a break to breath

Your child tends to speak repetitively - they may feel somewhat scripted

Your child feels like an alien sent to observe humans

Your child cries when instructions aren’t clear enough

Your child communes with animals because they make more sense than people

Your child doesn’t see the point of small talk

Your child finds comfort in the scriptedness of small talk

Your child is anxious about misreading people’s intentions

Your child is anxious about contacting somebody because they think it’s too last second

Your child gets frustrated when instruction manuals skip steps

Your child is constantly anxious about misunderstanding

Your child needs subtitles to hear anything

Your child has times they struggle to make words

Consistency (Anxiety)

Your child asks for the same meal every time they come home

Your child watched a single movie more than 3 times in one day

Your child feels anxious watching new movies or tv shows

Your child nearly has a stress breakdown if plans change last second

Your child’s anxiety spikes every time you ask them a question

Your child has a favourite song they’ve listened to for a week straight

Your child finds split second decision making stressful

Your child gets anxious if they don’t exactly follow their daily routine

Masking

Your child can pick up accents easily

Your child grew up wishing they could just go live in the forest away from people

Your child gets anxious when you ask aabout their day

Your child emotionally relates to fictional characters more than real people

Your child has said ‘I just don’t have the energy to act human right now’

Your child has described people as ‘just too much’

Your child was so ashamed of being different they tried to reshape their personality so people would like them

Misc ones I haven’t really sorted yet

Your child is protective and doesn’t like anybody new coming into their room

Your child wishes it was easier to get up and do what they need to

Your child is confused by how other people relate to their gender

Your child thinks their functioning is an inconvenience to people

Your child is either ‘on’ or ‘off’ and there is no in between

Your child gets stuck in excitement feedback loops with their friends

Your child is convinced they just aren’t working hard enough

Your child is on their third hobby this week

Your child spaces out randomly during the day

Your child considers every step of getting dressed an individual task they have to do (from @sisi7304 on twitter)

Your child differentiates between food they like and food they think is good (@sweetmoonpigeon on twitter)

Your child has severe imposter syndrome about whether they’re neurodivergent ‘enough’

Your child isn’t sure what they’re supposed to do to be a man or a woman

Your child’s fingers and toes change colour in the cold

#neurodiversity #autism #adhd

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raleigh-ocean · 4 years

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| Ally Mayfair-Richards x Danna Bishop Alphabet |

A - AU (My favorite AU for them)

This one is hard damn, they already are living in a Chef AU of some sorts hahaha I think I really love that of them but if I had to put them in one...well, I still dig a lot the idea of Lawyer/The Good Fight AU, the one I said in Mina and Ray’s alphabet, so I totally see them in the same AU. But also, maybe, The Holiday AU. That’s a good film, I love it a lot and I could make it work somehow Danna and Audrey exchanging houses and then Audrey meets Dani and Danna meets Ally, I totally see it.

AND maybe some kind of Fighter AU? Boxing AU? OR BETTER Superhero AU OR OR OR WAIT ME A MINUTE D&D AU. Yeah, God, that would be awesome for fucking sure. Danna is totally a bard and Ally is the queen or something, I totally see it.

B - Baby (Do they want a family?)

They have a family: Ozzy and their dog, Bob. Danna didn’t think about her having kids and Ally doesn’t want another one, so they both are pretty content with Ozzy. So it was kind of a surprise family, at least for Danna. At first she was pretty much worried about not being good influence for Ozzy or Ally not wanting her to be close to him, but after a few pick ups at school and home dates, Ozzy totally fell in love with her mother’s new partner. Like from all the women Ally dated after Cult, Danna is the one that Ozzy liked the best and actively asked for her to Ally, which always got tear-eyed because not many could get a reaction out of him in such way.

When I say everyone was shocked and surprised upon knowing that Danna was dating someone with a kid, I’m totally honest with you. I mean, Dara could have say Billie and her were having a baby - which they both agreed not to - and it would have get less surprising and shocking reactions than the ones Danna got.

C - Cuddle (Cuddler? How would they cuddle?)

Ally is the cuddler and Danna loves cuddling her way too much, so there’s no much fighting about this to be honest. It doesn’t matter where they are, Ally always finds her way into Danna’s arms and they settle after Danna kiss the crown of her head or gave her a tiny peck.

With Ivy, Ally held back a bit on the PDA, but with Danna she’s all over the place and she doesn’t care at all because Danna seems as happy as her. Though sometimes Danna is the cuddler and it’s funny because their height differences are pretty much noticeable and Danna is like a human blanket.

D - Dates (What are dates like?)

Pretty...basic. They are content with simple things, simple dates at most, because they are always busy. So big dates are always for important stuff. This doesn’t mean they don’t feel the need of going out only the two of them once or twice, though, it’s just that too many times they are satisfied with their little dates at home or even when they’re on a break in the restaurant.

E - Everything (You are my ______? Life, world, etc)

Danna to Ally ‘You’re my pandora’s box.’

Ally to Danna ‘You’re my new sunrise.’

F - Feelings (When did they first realize they had feelings for the other?)

Five months after Danna started to work for Ally in the restaurant, around the time they were more comfortable with each other. I like to think that Ally was hesitant at first but she knew that her feeling for Danna were sincere from the beginning. And Danna was scared when she realized she was catching feelings for Ally, like hard feelings, after their fifth date and it wasn’t until it passed two months in their relationship that Danna actually addressed them properly.

G - Gentle (Are they gentle? If so, how?)

They are, both. But we all know Ally can be a bit harsher at times. With each other though, they are the most gentle even when they tease each other and such. I think it’s because they didn’t feel things so strong for someone in a long time and well, I always said Danna and Ally are the soft spot of each other, so what else can I say?

H - Holding Hands (Do they like it? How often?)

Heck to the yeah. But it’s always Ally the one doing it more naturally, Danna tends to overthink somehow. Maybe it’s because everything that Ally makes her feel is a bit new for her, so she feels like she’s walking over egg shells, not knowing if it’s okay to do this or that. Ally helps her get braver and it’s cute watching Danna, this enormous woman, be so nervous about holding her girlfriend’s hand. They do it pretty often, Ally always takes Danna’s hand in hers and leaves her free hand in Danna’s bicep, head resting in her shoulder a bit and all, which makes Danna to lean a bit to kiss her forehead with love.

I - Impression (What was their first impression of one another?)

Ally thought Danna was like a cartoon character, her reactions too big and weird at first and not matching with all the impressive stuff that was in her resume. She was really walking on thin ice because yeah, Danna looked and was a good professional, but as a person she was a bit over the place.

Danna was a bit scared of Ally at first, she made her nervous and that made her act in her silly self to ‘break the ice’. Danna had some sick respect for Ally upon meeting and for the next six months that were their pre-relationship, even when they started dating Danna went as far as blurting all of that out of nervousness to Ally, which found it hilarious.

J - Jealous (Would they ever get jealous? How would they act if they were jealous?)

They both get jealous more than they want to admit, but they act on it playfully most of the time. Ally tease Danna about it, maybe a new way of approaching it taking in count everything that happened with Ivy, and Danna is always pretty oblivious about many stuff that happens around her that isn’t Ally or the kitchen related so Danna goes to Ally and picks her up like she weights nothing, trying to draw some laughs from her and kissing her, telling her afterwards that she didn’t notice that the new scullion was flirting with her because the most beautiful woman was around the kitchen.

When it’s Danna’s turn to get jealous the feeling is all over her face, it’s so easy to notice it? She tries to hold it back but all her unsaid words are there in the form of Danna getting closer to Ally, wrapping her from behind and being a bit more cuddly than she is on daily basis. Ally always comment lightly about how nice this whoever was once they are alone and it’s then when Danna just let it all go and get all flustered and everything and Ally can’t help but kiss her all over her face before dragging her to bed.

K - Kisses (How do they kiss?)

There are times and times, but they kinda kiss slow most of the time, big ones when they think none’s watching but everyone’s totally is. Danna have this thing of holding Ally’s face between her hands in such delicately way that has Ally all heart-eyes without a single doubt.

But the quick kisses with the ‘D wink trademark’ that everyone in Danna’s family has...those are a good soft spot, though.

L - Love (Who says ‘I love you’ first?)

Danna! And it was by accident but Ally followed her the next second. I want to specifically write this because it’s a wholesome and cute scenario, but let’s say Danna was talking over the phone with Dani and Ally overheard her saying that she loved her a lot and that Ally was making Danna to want to stay and not escape like pretty much of her relationships. It was way too early in their relationship though, like two months or so, they knocked each others socks off pretty hard.

M - Memory (What’s their favorite memory of the relationship?)

I think their favourite moment, forever and ever, would be the night Ally asked Danna to move in with them. There wasn’t crazy, big, whatever, in the whole memory but the simplicity of it all, the warmth in the moment, was enough to make it their favourite. Ally was cooking dinner while Danna watched over Ozzy, who was doing some homework, and when she turned around to see why they were bickering...well, it got Ally’s heart all soft to watch Danna mess with Ozzy because she was ‘bored’, all in a lighthearted way.

The question came out of Ally’s lips too fast and she looked at Ozzy quickly, because his reaction was the most important one in that moment, but seeing how Ozzy was even more excited with that idea...well, what else could I say? Danna moved in the following week, though, but between us she totally cried a bit that night in Ally’s bathroom out of happiness.

N - Nicknames (What do they call each other?)

I said this before but with Danna is like a russian roulette of nicknames, each day she has a different one, words and combinations that she comes up with in a second and stick for the rest of the day and Ally is always pretty amused of what will she be every day.

Ally sticks with sweetheart, darling and sunshine, but this one is something pretty intimate and holds a lot of

O - Orange (What color reminds them of each other?)

Orange is the colour that reminds Ally of Danna, mostly because it was the colour of the flowers Danna gave her in their first date. Prussian blue reminds Danna of Ally though, really specific blue, but it was the colour of the shirt she was wearing the night of their first time and Ally put it on in the morning afterwards - said shirt is constantly borrowed by Ally, needless to say.

P - Proposal (Who proposes and how?)

You know those videos of people that propose at the same time? Ally and Danna are those. And Ozzy knew all the fucking time because they took him, separately, to buy the rings and he’s the one in charge sending the video over the group chat with the rest of the medium gang and let me tell you, they both cried like a lot. It was over movie night, pretty casual thing, they’ve been planing it for the week and like they just wanted to have a calm night with Ozzy since it was hectic at work and everything. So basically Ally went to the kitchen to make popcorn, thinking about when would it be the right time to propose, and it was then that Danna took advantage of the situation to be there on her knee when she was back. Ally literally couldn’t respond, she dropped the popcorn and knelled in front of Danna to do the same and Ozzy is like holding Bob so he doesn’t eat their snacks but at the same time holding Danna’s cellphone so he can make the video.

Q - Quiet (Do they like to talk, or are they more of an actions type of person?)

Ally is, little by little, changing some of Danna’s ways of handling stuff into building some sort of ‘safe space’ so she can voice her opinions more easily. If it was for Danna, she would show Ally the world only with her actions but Ally needs to be verbally reassured, like, it’s something that clung to her bones since Ivy in such heavy and nasty manner that she couldn’t help it. For someone that speaks so much, Danna have some serious troubles voicing her feelings tbh.

R - Rich (Do they spoil one another?)

They do, but both are quite the ‘hesitant buyers’ as to speak. Like they always over think if it’s really okay of them to buy something to each other and many times, even when they end up buying it, they have their heads full of thoughts against it. However, upon seeing each other’s faces full of surprise and love those thoughts change and they are more at ease.

S - Sleep (What are their sleep habits?)

They both have, impressively, the habit of not going to sleep late. Ally because she built that but Danna because after ten is falling asleep as they speak. If there isn’t something that hold them back, they both are in bed around eleven or so. It quite the contrast taking in count, per example, how Dani always go to sleep late and one would think Danna, being the upbeat twin, has the most energy of the two.

Sometimes they take a bath together before bed though, it depends of what has transcended during the day, and that may be ending up in sex...more times than they want to admit but hey, a bit of fun here and there in between the calmness of their nights it’s good.

T - Touch (Their favorite place to touch?)

Ally’s favourite place to touch in Danna will be her hands, it’s something she can’t get enough of it. She also found that Danna, weirdly enough, is ticklish when touched softly over her knuckles, and Ally finds that really endearing for some reason.

In Danna’s case it’s a bit harder, mostly because is hard that she admits having a favourite place to begin with since she loves all of Ally but there’s something that keeps drawing her to just place her hands over Ally’s tummy. Overall when Danna is hugging her from behind, she can’t help it, or when she’s hugging her sideways with one arm. Ally always giggle a bit because she isn’t used to that kind of things.

U - Unencumbered (What do they do to relax?)

When they are together, Danna loves to watch Ally cook, it puts her in a good mood and also she likes being told what to do, taking in count she’s the one giving orders on the daily around the restaurant and all. It also form some kind of silly sweet moments together and Danna is a sucker for those, because she gets to see the softer side of Ally. At times she likes to take care of the garden too, it reminds Danna of home, of afternoons spent with Dani, her siblings and cousins when they were younger.

For Ally it’s whatever chore she has at home to be done, it helps her to ground herself, to remember that even with everything that has happened and it’s happening, she still pretty much is there existing. That and reading, she likes reading too much, so when she’s with a book in hand both Danna and Ozzy know that they have to keep their loudness down and let her enjoy. Sometimes Danna nap with her head in Ally’s belly if she’s reading and Ally loves to brush Danna’s hair with her fingers or resting her hand in her nap, caressing her skin with her thumb, while at it.

V - Virgin (What’s the sex like?)

At the beginning pretty vanilla, being completely honest. They kind of enjoy not rushing it, as if they were and are learning their ways around each other, which is nice and makes Ally feel comfortable since their first time Ally thought Danna was about to go full bananas but ended up being pretty wholesome the whole thing. But, as of now, they are experimenting a bit here and there and Ally likes Danna’s assertiveness because it lets her know clearly her limits and how far she is willing to go.

But overall their sex is fun, lots of giggling and laughing, they have fun and they are happy while at it, which is the most important thing. Is a bit of their little gateway of daily life, because only them exist there.

W - Wedding (What’s the wedding like? Big, small?)

Small! Well, as small as it can get with Danna’s family. But yeah, pretty much Ally is still worried taking in count is her second marriage and Danna promised her that it would be like a tiny gathering. Ally’s family is a bit intimidated at first with Danna’s family but after a few hours they are like a big family. There are some friends too, but only the closest ones.

Someone will think that Danna was going to have the biggest wedding and party ever, but after so many years she just wanted to make Ally happy and have a good day with everyone important to her.

X - Xylophone (What’s their song?)

Their song, no matter what, is ‘You Make Me Feel Like Dancing’ by Leo Sayer. They love it and Danna has it as her tone for Ally in her cellphone. They also danced to it any time they can, because the happiness that it brings them is unmatched. Ally always jokes that this song is like really old, way older than her, but it makes her feels something in her chest. For Danna, it only makes her lean to kiss her fiancee because all that song is for her is like she’s talking to Ally about how she fell in love with her.

Also I feel like Danna will show Ally ‘Magic in the Hamptons’ by Social House as a joke and that song ends up being their guilty pleasure song. I said what I said.

Y - Yearn (How do they cope with being away from the other?)

Incredibly well, to be completely honest. Danna has always been travelling and living away from everything she loves and holds dear to her, and it still is really hard but she knows how to handle it through texts, calls, videocalls and such. She can’t take a shirt from Ally or something, ‘cause it doesn’t fit her, but she does take one of her bracelets, or even a ring or one earring. That’s enough for her to not miss her new home that much, taking in count Danna already has a picture of them three as her cellphone’s background.

In exchange...well, Ally does suffer a bit more with this. However she has the advantage that anything she takes from Danna’s side of the closet fits her perfectly big and comfy and she already has a favourite sweater and all. She has even worn some wool jackets for work here and there, and once Danna’s big coat too. Maybe it is because of her own trauma is acting up a bit, but having Danna calling her everyday to check on her helps a lot.

Z - Zoo (What kind of pet would they have, if any?)

They got a dog! As I said, after months and months of Danna and Oz joining forces to convince Ally to get a pet, they finally did it after a whole year of it. They went to get a rescue dog, though, and after much deliberation Danna and Oz decided to get an old chihuhua that had been there for a really long time.

His full name is Roberto and maybe he’s a bit ugly, okay, and trembles a little too much and his left ear is a bit chomped, but when he crossed the main door for the first time and went directly to Ally, who was in the kitchen...it was like love at first sight.

They three are pretty in love with Bob or Bobito, which is how Danna calls him, and he got used to his new home pretty fast, which was the best thing. And outside of home and talking about the rest of the gang...Billie and Dani still doesn’t get how can he be that ugly and still are kinda worried about the fact that they got him; Dahlia is okay with him, she likes him and sometimes gives him little beacon bits; Shelby is pretty neutral, but she’s likes him enough to agree to ‘babysit’ him if necessary; Dara still cries because she’s allergic to animal fur and wants to pet him every time; and Audrey is mostly awkward around him, but Bob loves her for some reason and he’s always with her if he’s not with Ally.

#ally mayfair richards #ally mayfair richards x original character #danna bishop #alphabet #american horror story #ahs cult

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cosmosogler · 7 years

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hi guys. i lost a lot of time today. really not feelin it. but i’ll write about it.

i woke up on time. i’d been having... bad dreams. yes. definitely bad ones. it took me a moment to remember anything past the extreme unease and the glittering lights. i was on a road trip? not sure. i was in like a casino city. dad was there, but he was also some kind of mob boss businessman? i think he tasked me to try to fill up all the empty stores along the roulette wheel, which was also a street, but also a roller coaster.

gainesville has a lot of empty shop shells. derelict. like my dreams for the last 25-ish years.

it’s almost my birthday. i’ll be 25.

i’m thinking about making cupcakes for my birthday. if i can get the cupcake tin before the end of next week.

anyway, the flashing and blinking and twinkling lights in the “city” were super disorienting and giving me a headache. it may have been in the same place that a previous dream i had involving dad was? i saw a few familiar landmarks. but that dream had taken place firmly during the day, and this was at night.

i eventually left after realizing that i was never going to fill all the shops, i could only try to place businesses in the busiest streets so that they’d get enough income to attract other places to come in and fill the space.

after that i left. i ended up in my high school’s theater auditorium, as happens pretty often. there’s several different versions of it, sometimes mashed up with a warehouse i dream about a lot, sometimes mixed into the independent theater i attended during grade school, especially in the backstage areas. sometimes it’s torn up into a lot of rooms that don’t quite match up with the real thing.

it’s weird. the big prominent back door in the high school theater doesn’t really make it into my dreams.

there’s usually a lot going on in the warehouse theater. this time i knew what they were doing but i still was not able to participate. i’m... not sure how to explain the game, and i’m not sure if it could be considered a game. it’s like a trapeze thing but there’s also a spoken script the players have to follow? conversations with people playing the game while i’m up standing on the ledge looking at them always feel very hollow. maybe it’s not that the conversations are pre-written so much as i’m distracting the players.

i woke up many times before sunrise again. when i got up i was sluggish and confused. i looked up the clinic’s hours well after 8 but i was out the door around 9 at least. i was stopped by a homeless couple. the guy asking me for money was EXTREMELY QUIET. i could not hear him over every single passing car. i felt really bad asking him to be louder. maybe we could have just moved away from the road but his boyfriend was looking kind of on edge and like they may have been in a hurry.

i guess i spent the time that i couldn’t hear him thinking over the situation. and i guess even if they weren’t actually going to use my money to buy a bus ticket out of town, at least they’d be doing whatever it was together.

he looked pretty young to be whispering “we’re a homosexual couple” to me next to a busy road with no pedestrians, but i don’t know the region’s atmosphere very well. and i can’t stand disappointing people. every time i mentioned that the cat in my backpack really needed to get to the vet he looked so bummed and i was hoping that reminding him that i needed to be somewhere would help him condense. but it didn’t. i think i missed the bus because when i got to the stop i looked at the next arrival time and it was like 40 minutes away.

so i walked to the other route that goes near the clinic and got on that bus instead. i missed the stop because the bus does not announce its stops nor actually stop at the stops. so i had to backtrack a bit when i realized we’d gone past where i wanted to be. not too far though.

so. some good news and some pretty bad news. i filled out snoopy’s paperwork at the vet and all the techs were very nice and the vet answered all my questions as i remembered to ask them. i was a little confused because basically everything they said completely contradicted what the first vet had said about cats.

the good news is that snoopy does not have a tumor on her head. she has a cosmetic cyst. “cosmetic” as in “it’s doing nothing and has nothing in it, but if you want her head to look nicer we can take it off for 500 dollars. but it might go away itself too.”

the bad news is that she has kidney disease, which is incurable and, eventually, fatal.

it’s not... it’s probably not going to happen soon. her bloodwork showed that the blood toxicity thing is pretty low right now. the vet did not give me a lifetime estimate and just said that all cats are different. i gotta choke up a lot of money for specifically pro-kidney prescription food though and i can’t give her any treats for... well, the rest of her life.

there was another cat at the shelter when we were adopting snoopy who had the same problem. i was bummed that i’d never be able to spoil her with cookies all the time so i got snoopy. but now i can’t spoil snoopy with piles of cookies either. at least she will eat the new food though. and she has gained some weight, but the vet wants her to put on another half of her total body weight.

so i carried snoopy and the food bag all the way home (with the help of the bus half the time). she didn’t hold the vet trip against me but she seems pretty interested in laying next to the washing machine. maybe the blood draw exhausted her. i did get her to eat some of the new food right away at least...

i was starving because it was 2 pm by the time i got her re-settled and i had a big lunch. then i basically did nothing for 4 hours and then i re-tried making the gnocchi. this time i hand-minced some garlic and made a nice butter-parmesan sauce and threw in some basil so it would taste italian. and it was actually really good. the amount of garlic was illegal though.

mom always puts tons and tons of garlic in her dishes so i might have trouble figuring out how much to put in my servings for a while.

tomorrow i got two classes. the third one is still being mysterious and will begin on friday. suzanne said i could borrow her mechanics textbook any time so tomorrow i’ll spend some time reading and taking notes- THAT’S THE PLAN.

i’m having so much trouble getting rolling on homework and studying. i was so lethargic today that i didn’t take out the recycling or finish washing my dishes right after dinner. and that’s the un-stressful stuff!!!

my gramma is slipping toward kidney failure. i’m thinking about what that means for snoopy. but... gramma doesn’t have me restricting her diet. i’m thinking snoopy’s probably got a while before i have to start doing the, like, daily injections? that the vet talked to me about.

i know everyone dies eventually. and i know roughly the age that people and dogs and cats reach. but no one really wants to hear that that time is, in fact, coming up. grampa’s dying the death of a thousand paper cuts and he’s already lived longer than any man on that side of the family in our history. gramma’s body is just stopping taking care of itself. eve got her leg chopped off, but she’s still 13. snoopy’s 12. i don’t know much about her. it’s only been ten days.

not sure i like having this buildup of “the end” in my life right now. i mean, i love all of these people and animals, and i never want to lose them, but the anticipation stresses me out, and i know that the longer each of them lives, the more likely they are to die pretty close to each other. mathematically, i guess.

knowing that someday i’ll have to keep going without any of them stresses me out.

anyway. i need to figure out how to out-motivate my anxiety. knowing intellectually that this is what i want to do with my life and every stepping stone on the way down this road is, in its own way, a joy doesn’t seem to be making me less anxious. and the fear of, i don’t know, both failing and succeeding is more powerful than my interest in any subject including my very favorite.

failing because this is what i want to do, and if i can’t do it because i’m not the right kind of person then it’s like “well, what now?”

succeeding because if i succeed then that’s wrong and someone must have made a mistake, but now everyone will expect me to know what i’m doing. and i never know what i’m doing. i don’t even know what i’m doing when i’m pretty sure i know what i’m doing! i can’t commit to anything because, like, if i get good at it, people will expect me to be consistently good at it! and i can’t be consistently good!! i can barely get up in the morning, let alone do quantum mechanics every day, or win at pokemon every day, or cook something good every day.

at least with cooking so far it’s been almost entirely for just myself. it’s easier to enjoy the project and take risks and goof off with weird combinations when i’m the only one who has to throw it away and just make corn dogs if it doesn’t work out. my first batch of cupcakes during my sick period this year was humiliating.

but i can’t actually get to the point where i am consistently good at something UNLESS i do it every day and spend a whole lot of time screwing up and making dumb mistakes. i gotta commit if i want to succeed. i’m not even that good at pokemon because i don’t actually play against other people. if i want to be good at physics i gotta do it a lot, and a lot of that has to be with other people who will point out my mistakes so i can stop making them.

but even doing a little bit is so difficult that it’s easy to find chores to do specifically so that i run out of time to do any actual physics.

look at that. i started writing super early but now it’s 10:10 and if i cracked open a physics book now i would get to bed late. guess i’ll have to do it tomorrow!!!!

at least, right now... it won’t be very helpful to worry a lot about snoopy. i’ve done everything i can right now and i can’t do anything past that. i’ll have to bring in the lab work the vet requested over the weekend or something because i just won’t have the time and energy to put like 2 hours into another vet trip if i got something else to do that day. i switched her food right over, and i am keeping her water fountain full and clean, and i am keeping her litter box clean, and i am trying to keep her fur clean. i don’t like that things take time. building skills, and getting to know people, and getting to know snoopy, and seeing how snoopy does with this chronic disease, are all things that take a LOT of time.

i wish my therapy appointment was this week instead of in a week. getting along by myself with no mental health support is a sisyphean monstrosity.

#i talk about death here

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