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slashingdisneypasta · 4 years

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Poly! Laughing Jack x Fem!Reader x Offenderman || Oneshot

Title: A Rest (Add another R and take away the space and you have what these two need from the police)

Notes:

Just a short fluffy oneshot. I needed this. I forgot how much I love these two together! ^^

Plot: Your boyfriends’ have been waiting for you at home all day but all you want to do is sleep.

Warnings: Sexual references, and references concerning discomfort with love and affection. Only a a tiny bit though, for characterisation.

~~~ Your POV ~~~

I’ve been thinking about going home, getting snuggly in bed and falling asleep all day, no matter what time it would be. So, its not a surprise that the first thing I do when I get into my home at the end of the day, around 5 o’clock, is absolutely collapse on the couch - the closest horizontal, soft enough, habitable object, - and after I manage to pull off just one shoe, I forfeit the challenge and just lay down. Slowly goes it, as first my midsection makes contact with the couch cushions and then my cheek, and then all my muscles relax against the bed-like surface.

The foot with a shoe still on it hangs awkwardly off the couch because of my remaining 2, awake brain cells screamimg not get the couch dirty, and I even manage to pull the still-folded blanket off the couches back and onto my own back. Any other time the fact that it isn't covering… well, basically any of me seeing as its folded to around 5 cm long ways and 20 short ways, but its a nice comfort weight on the bottom of my back and I fall asleep.

~~~ Change of POV: 3rd Person ~~~

“Love, I missed you today!! Offender’s been soooooo boring. How was your- ” Offender, cradling a container of jam donuts in the crook of his arm as they stroll to the living room after they heard their precious girl-toy get home, cuts L.J off by shoving a donut over the clowns cone nose. Jam drips down in a sticky clump over L.J’s painted lips and leaves a pinkish stain down his front on its fall to the ground. L.J just stops walking and stays still through this, despite the short and probably annoying pause that the jam makes on his top lip; Then when the jam had found the floor, he turns his neck to look to Offender with thin lips and dead panned eyes. “That was unnecessary.”

“You know, if you un-focus on those stains, it looks like blood.” Offender taps his chin, before his smirk broadens. “Like that time you ate out Y/N when she was on her- ”

Before he gets the last word out, L.J is able to casually take out a donut from his lovers arm, pull the waist band of Offenders pants forward with the tip of a long black claw, and drop it in there. Offender was too interested in what he was saying to put a quick stop to it… and goddamnit. He doesn't wear underwear. He sighs, deeply, as if in true mental pain. “Are we even?”

“Sure.” L.J turns back to the livingroom, sliding the the donut off of his nose which leaves a sticky, pink residue. He starts munching on the donut anyway- he’ll get a wipe from your bag.

And just like that, they go back to their, apparently perilous journey to the livingroom where the third lover would be waiting. Probably turning on the TV, they suppose, or flopping down in an armchair.

When they make it in, and see Y/N snoozing - already well passed her first stage of sleep already, completely on her way to deep sleep, and then her REM time,- on the couch not even two minutes after arriving home, they both stop, disappointedly in their tracks. They’d been waiting for Y/N all day to come home and now she’s… she’s asleep! L.J’s shoulder drop, and he sighs.

“Well… I’ll wake her up- Yeek!” The British man squeal escapes him immediately when a sticky, sugary jam donut hits the side of his face this time and he whips around. “What!?”

Offender’s mouth is taught. He whispers “Don’t wake her up! What’s wrong with you? Were you born in a barn??”.

“Stop, throwing, donuts, at, me!” L.J whisper-shouts back, taking Offenders hat off his head and hitting him with it with every word. Offender snatches it back and growls.

“Okay! Fine! I’d rather eat them, anyway.”

“Good! Cuz I like donuts! And I’d rather not get PTSD when looking at them!”

“Go put the blanket on Y/N properly!”

L.J makes a 'talks too much’ gesture with his claws as he walks off to Y/N, mocking Offender like a child. After a few minutes of silence, filled only by Y/N’s sleep-breathing / snoring and Offender’s chewing. L.J sits on the floor in front of Y/N’s sleeping head for that time, stealthily lifting it and carefully putting a pillow under it. When he’s done, he sighs out a quick breath of relief. A ninja’s life is a dangerous one.

“Wonder why she’s so tired? Its only… ” Offender leans forward, peering around a corner to see the clock in the kitchen. He leans back, looking at L.J who looks back at him from the carpet still. “Five. You think work was hard?”

“No… ” L.J looks back at your face, expression softening the way it only does to Y/N and Offender. Claws brush some hair out of Y/N's face, then quickly retreat to the safety of his own lap. Affection is still… a struggle, for him. “She’s been down the whole week… She just needs a good sleep.”

Offender stands by and just watches for a few moments, thinking about how that is true, in retrospect. She has been less cheerful this week, a little more forced. He’s excited to see her when she wakes up tonight- L.J’s usually right about things that Y/N needs. He shrugs, putting the now empty donut box on the nearest surface. “Y’know, I could use one too.”

He walks over, carefully lifts up Y/N's legs and sits down with them in his lap, taking off the one shoe that’s still, weirdly, on her foot. He settles against the back of the couch, shoves a pillow behind his neck, and yawns.

L.J blinks at him, then turns around to lean back on the couch between Y'N's head and Offender's legs and lets his long legs unfold, straight out in front of him. He folds his claws in his lap, shrugging his shoulders one at a time to get comfortable. He’ll keep watch. “Have disgusting nightmares, Offender.”

Its half a joke, to lift the suddenly too-sensitive moment between the three of them that L.J just doesn't feel comfortable in, and half because he genuinely knows Offender will like it.

Offender snorts, relaxing into a sleepy state. “Oh, don’t I always?~”

So, the three of them, one with a donut still snug in his pants, one with sticky jam esudue along his cone nose, and one with her cheek getting numb against the pillow, have a rest.

#Oneshot #Creepypasta #Poly! Laughing Jack x Reader x Offenderman #Laughing Jack x Reader #Offenderman x Reader #Laughing Jack x Offenderman #Laughing Jack #Offenderman

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mckittyarts · 5 years

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hey guys sorry about the couple of days i wasn’t posting!! this thing took a little longer than i thought-- but yeah! i’ve seen other artists draw their own interpretations of all the incarnations of Links, and i finally decided to draw the versions i’ve made up together with a friend of mine all in one place! get a load of these fools

tumblr wouldn’t let me post these in rows without them getting super blurry so there’s gonna be closeups, headcanons, etc under the cut

Time (Ocarina of Time/Majora’s Mask): - post-majora’s mask but he still has the scars from oot(dont ask me how idk either) - Really Fucked up. Very Strange Grandpa - despite actually having had the years to grow up this time he still acts like a kid - idk i can’t really describe him but he’s just been through so much stress his only remaining emotion is essentially just “:)” - he’s gone back to hyrule and is just kinda wandering around he got those two shoulder pads as a gift and they’re based off of the ones he has as a ghost - the gauntlets are redesigned golden gauntlets only because i forgot what they looked like - he’s missing his right eye from a wolfos and lost his finger when Ganon slapped his sword out of his hand also he has goron tattoos on his shoulders - headcanon that he’s Zelda’s twin brother but they just never were told about it

Sky (Skyward Sword): - he’s got Sleepy Bitch Disease - just wants to rest...... please let him Sleep For Once - he gets very snappy and Rude, especially when he’s tired but he’s pretty patient and sweet around people he’s fond of - headcanon that he has some form of asthma(because in game hes like constantly gasping for air) - after the events of his game hes just Tuckered Out and just wants to sleep for the rest of his life - i didn’t really give him any redesigns, just let him keep his skyloft outfit - his scars are from demise and ghirahim(jerks)

Twi (Twilight Princess): - COUNTRY BOYYYY I LOVE YOUU - furry boy go awooo - amazing with animals and kids but doesn’t really cope too well in social situations because he gets Nervous - GAY. I WONT ACCEPT ANY OTHER ANSWER - headcanon that he’s the direct descendant of Time - goes back to his Farming Ways after the War and just chills with the rest of Ordon village - most of his scars are from those stupid Ghost Rats but he also has some others from Ganondorf

Wild (Breath of the Wild): - ‘scuse me everyone certified ROWDY BOY comin through - he seems very normal from a distance but as soon as you get close to him you will realize that you just found a Raccoon - *sees anything* oh! yum! - really, really loves cooking and is actually really good at it even if his ingredients come from questionable locations - headcanon that along with every other memory he lost, he also forgot most of what was pressuring him before his Death and is now completely unhinged and will not stop for anyones social standards - he has a couple scars from being blasted by guardians but honestly most of his other ones are because he just really loves rolling down mountainsides

Warrior (Hyrule Warriors): - hh,,, Anxious boy :( - he just really wants approval and he damn well deserves it - when he first got appointed as the hero of whatever and got the master sword he was honestly starting to get a bit cocky - but then Cia Promptly ripped all of that confidence and Rude Boy Behaviour out of him and he became :( again - he could speak beforehand but he got an injury during the battles and is now rendered practically mute - has a couple major scars underneath his scarf/tunic but he managed to keep his face mostly unscathed somehow

Albi (A Link Between Worlds/Tri Force Heroes): - Shy,,,, doesnt like Attention - honestly just wants to be left alone but since he’ss the hero of whatever people just Gave Him Too Much Love - broke down and is now Fashionable - sometimes likes to sew or paint - headcanon that he’s colourblind(tritanopia) - those little marks on his skin are little “wall cracks” from merging too often - has a few scars but no important ones tbh

Minish (The Minish Cap): - small and Super Mad About It - he’s extremely quiet and only really ever talks if he’s mad or asked a question - and even then he says as few words as he can possibly muster - really dedicated blacksmith and is pretty good at his job despite his age - still hangs out with Zelda a whole lot theyre still Best Friends - the scar is from his fight with Vaati and he got an undershirt with a collar to hide it a bit because he feels a bit self conscious about it :(

Engi (Spirit Tracks): - BABY BOY. BABY - fuckin LOVES trains. he would Probably Die without them. still an engineer - completely polite and sweet, calls you sir and stutters a whole lot - also likes to fidget when he doesn’t have anything to do with his hands - secretly completely RIPPED and could probably break you in half if he just weren’t such a sweetheart - missing tooth from Byrne smacking him in the face with his Metal Hand and constantly has scratches but thats just cuz hes clumsy - headcanon that he’s the grandson of Wind - another headcanon that he can see ghosts since he was the only one who could see Zelda when she got absolutely annihilated

Wind (The Wind Waker/Phantom Hourglass): - SHIP AHOY BITCHES - absolutely Stupid. goddamn Fool, complete and utter buffoon - tends to be a bit direct and a little too honest but as i said before. complete Dumbass - ADORES to tease and poke fun as long as no one gets hurt - swears like a sailor and IS a sailor. Its All Connected - has a crooked nose because SOMEONE launched him at a wall that one time. Also from that explosion that launched him into that other wall that other time - all his little jewelry things are treasures he found along the way

Alti (A Link To The Past/Oracle of Seasons/Ages/Link’s Awakening): - oof this boi has been through So Much - just so tired of this shit.......... wants a break already - has pink hair because nintendo cant convince me otherwise and also has black roots because that’s his hair colour in the gameboy games - still misses everyone from the wind fish’s dream :( also idk know if he ever came back from the ocean tbh - honestly i know jack shit about any of his games so,,, sorry my boy

Classic (The Legend of Zelda/The Adventure of Link): - the boy who started it all!!! god i love him so - honestly don’t really know much about him either,,, and honestly i dont think there is a lot to know the classic games are pretty plotless - but i like to imagine he’s like every Good Protagonist trope but none of the other links appreciate it a whole lot - “dont worry guys i believe we can do this! :)” cut to the whole group throwing trash at him - also gave him sectoral heterochromia to match the way his eyes look in the first game’s sprites

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crasherfly · 4 years

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Weekly Update

It’s a privilege to write about personal shit this week.

There’s not much I can add to the conversation about the election, suffice to say it was both better and worse than expected, and I’m glad that society isn’t immediately collapsing, at least this week.

Which is to say I’ve never been so glad to focus on my stupid, deeply low-stakes life updates. Obviously, the future is still uncertain and there will be plenty of work to do in the days and years ahead, but a week ago, I wasn’t certain if I’d be witness to a reality where questions like “how did a week of not drinking go” and “what are you playing” still matter.

So without further ado...

It was a challenging week, obviously.

Not just the election- I’m talkin’ for like- EVERYTHING. Home life. Work life. Creative life. I could go on. You get the idea.

I went on full blown quarantine as of last Friday after learning a member of my household may have covid. You wouldn’t think it was much of a change from my normal every day, but man, I did not realize just how many little things were working together to keep my sanity together.

A short list- weekend walks to pick up morning coffee, Friday night carry-out sushi and pizza, my weekly groceries at the co-op, and most importantly- trips to the weight room- all suddenly off the table until testing results come in.

In my state, testing often requires booking at least 3 days in advance, and it can take another 3-4 days just to get results back. Luckily, everyone in my home works remotely, so this doesn’t put us out too bad. I can’t imagine now non-remote workers manage. Even so, having to toss all the precious little things I’d managed to keep despite the pandemic stung. I even had to put my wrestling watch parties on hold- they took place on Discord, but one of my friends would normally come over to watch.

I’ve worked through a lot of huffy anger and annoyance over the course of the past few days. Losing my ability to get to the gym as the weather turns especially hurts. As a weight lifter, I’m pretty reliant on what the gym offers. Early into the pandemic I got a lot of folks snidely telling me to go lift paint cans. I resisted the temptation to tell them they could in turn pay for my back surgery. Thanks to the pandemic I’ve learned that the gym is actually a need for me, emotionally and physically. Losing it, even for a week, feels awful. I can’t wait to get back to it.

Until then, jogging and biking will have to suffice.

One positive- I’ve gone a week without drinking!

Based on my tracking, that’s actually the longest I’ve since June, which is nuts.

Predictably, I have gained weight. Because no good deed goes unpunished.

I don’t know if I’d say I notice any life-changing effects yet. For all I know, my body is still adjusting to the sudden absence of all the shit it’s normally used to working in overdrive to break down.

A few things I’ve noticed- my runs are going slightly better, I can stay up later working on games or creative endeavors, and I’m actually experiencing REM cycles again- meaning I’m dreaming, and dreaming vividly. I also get incredibly hungry around 10:30 every night- because, surprise!- that’s when I’d normally sit down with a beer or glass of sake. So I’m working on finding ways around that.

I can’t say I’ve felt a huge urge to drink. I occasionally wonder when, or indeed if, I’ll grab a glass of beer again any time soon. But beyond that, it’s been pretty easy to lay off. The fatigue alone was just such a pain to work through, not to mention the way a glass of beer would just kinda pin me into place for the rest of the night. I like how active my brain is now in the late hours.

But I do watch a lot less anime now :(

On that note, here’s what I’ve been playing lately!

Outer Worlds (XBONE)

So, you probably missed it last post- probably ‘cuz I forgot to write about it in my first draft, but I wrote about my Total Kill Run that I just wrapped up in Outer Worlds.

The short and dirty version for those of you who can’t be bothered to go back and read- I tried to do a run where I killed every NPC in Outer Worlds, a space RPG from the Obsidian, and instead got sidetracked with completing the nefarious Board’s story and ended up doing a Board run instead.

I was surprised by how humor and wit the game brings to its commentary on your wanton slaughter. The devs were not bluffing when they said you could kill anyone and anything in Outer Wilds and they even prepared a few nice moments in anticipation that some players would try.

I was disappointed to find that the Board’s mission- and indeed, some of the progression points I followed on my own go-it-alone-and-kill-everything story, mirrored the Good Guy story beat-for-beat, basically shrugging and saying “well, you’re gonna do this anyway, like it or not”. At several given points you can kill everyone you like- but you’ll still have to find that keycard, access that terminal, or visit that far off map point now matter how hard you try to get out of it.

I was finally struck by how little I missed. I skipped A LOT of stuff- almost every sidequest and all the companion quests. And you know what? I had a fine time. I might even say I had a better time. So much time in Outer Wilds is devoted to fetching, traveling, and sitting in load screens. Turns out you do less of all of that when you just go guns blazing into every civilized map.

Some friends earlier this week were talking about revisiting old Bethesda-style RPGs like Fallout: New Vegas and Skyrim. It got me thinking about whether or not I would bother doing that myself any time soon. It’s true those are better games than Outer Worlds. But if the point of Outer Worlds is to echo those positive experiences so closely...what does my recent experience say about the source of that reflection?

Just a thought I’m chewing on. I don’t have a good answer. But feel free to HMU if you have your own thoughts!

NeoGeo Arcade Stick Pro- Art of Fighting, Samurai Shodown, Fatal Fury, World Heroes 2

Friday night I sat down at my desk, dimmed the lights and hooked up my NeoGeo Arcade Stick Pro. On my second monitor, I brought up move lists for King of Fighters ‘95 and started my fighting game learning journey.

I did OK, in my opinion. I stuck to just learning the hero team- Kyo, Daimon, and Benimaru. I even managed to trigger a few level 1 supers. I think I could safely beat the average player at an arcade now- but there’s definitely plenty of system I came nowhere close to learning all the ins and outs. However, after trying out a few subsequent KOF games, it seems like my learning should transfer forward.

I also tried out a few other games on the stick. Art of Fighting and Fatal Fury aren’t games I’ve had prior exposure to. In my experience, they seemed a little slower than KOF. The command lists were definitely shorter. Samurai Shodown was absolutely gorgeous and felt really, really good to play. I could see getting really into it.

My big highlight was World Heroes 2, which I ended up playing most of the night. It’s a bit sillier than the previously noted titles, but it has a really fun roster and a good, medium-sized move list that isn’t too taxing to remember. I had seen some of the characters, like Johnny Maximum, on the Spriteclub roster, so it was cool to see them in their native environment.

Overall, the Arcade Stick Pro is holding up nicely. The stick itself is solid, and the deck is a natural fit on my lap or desktop. I’m not noticing any serious input lag and the buttons seem really responsive. Of all my retro consoles, this might become one of my favorites.

Endless Space 2

AMPLITUDE’s 4x sci-fi has entered hallowed realms of my “Games I will Be Playing 20 Years From Now” list. A massive, sprawling turn-based strategy about managing a spacefaring empire, Endless Space 2 is great for those weeks where I want to play a 4X that I can resolve within 20 hours.

For my most recent run, I once again took up my favored faction, the Riftborn. Every game is a learning experience, so this time around I was determine to try and tackle the massive and deeply inconvenient quests that Endless Space 2 mercilessly slews at you every_damn_turn.

I was mostly successful. I didn’t finish my faction’s quest, but I did complete the Academy quests. Throughout every game the Academy looms as this impartial faction that hires out heroes and provides boons to those who donate resources to it. In the endgame, the Academy offers a quest that forces every active civilization to choose sides regardless of existing alliances. Depending on the results, the last phases of Endless Space 2 can look very different

I finished the questline, unlocked a cool cinematic and learned that next time I should definitely not ignore those quests, however obnoxious they might be. The faction buffs earned from successful completion are....pretty wild.

Sunless Skies

Another week, another dead captain in Sunless Skies. This captain had a particularly long run- I had managed about...15 hours with him before losing him to some enemies that I was not at all prepared to fight. Death comes quick in Sunless Skies- a single bad decision can lead to swift death.

This run I at least managed to bank a ton of valuable supplies and upgrade my engine. My next captain will have a better shot as a result. I’m not sure when I’ll pick the game back up. After a particularly long run I usually take a long break- weeks or even months. We’ll just see what happens.

Pokemon Shield

I’ve finally, FINALLY beaten the endgame of Pokemon Shield. At least, I think I have. I’m sure there’s a few more things to do here or there, but for the most part, I think I’m done. I beat the champion and saw the credits roll. There’s some DLC to visit and more ‘mon to catch, but mostly, I’m done.

I had the opportunity to take care of some trade evolutions and partake in a friendly battle with a friend. It was the first time I’ve done that since...I kid you not...the playground in 5th grade.

It was...really fun?

I’m a deeply casual pokemon player. I don’t search for shiny ‘mon or suss out perfect numbers. I just use who I think looks cool and I try to keep type and consideration in mind. As a result, my friend and I had to agree on some ground rules for average levels- but the result was a compelling match.

I found myself afterwards making plans for another battle night. This tends to happen in November- I get really into Pokemon again for a few weeks. Historically, this is ‘cuz I’m normally traveling a lot for the holidays. That won’t be true this year, but old habits die hard.

Maybe I’ll even bust out my 3DS again soon. Who knows?

Quest 2: Revisited

Last week, I posted some thoughts about the Oculus Quest 2. I’ve spent another week with the headset, testing some new features and trying some more involved experiences. I’m happy to report my thoughts on the machine are still positive.

If anything, my impressions are MORE positive than before. My eyes have grown used to the world of VR. I’ve found a setting on the out-of-box headstrap that I don’t hate. And I’m finding more experiences than I initially suspected I might.

I’ve had a change to run the Link option, for instance, which allows you to use your Quest 2 as a Rift. It’s actually pretty seamless, requiring only a good desktop and a USB cable. My cable seemed to suffer from some bad speeds, so my experience was pretty laggy, but with an approved cable, I have no doubt the Quest 2 could handle just about anything you throw at it.

I finished Superhot, and have only raving reviews to offer. It is a perfect introduction to all the Quest 2 can do. Given limited space, Superhot places you in do-or-die situations where you must dodge, duck and shoot your way through enemies. When you move- time movies- so you will often find yourself forced to take stock of your surroundings before making your next step.

It is sharp, offers a great mix of puzzle solving and brisk action, and even serves as an ad-hoc workout. Picking it up with your Quest 2 is a must.

Encouraged by Superhot, I gave Job Simulator a try. It is a zany VR experience that humorously simulates a number of white collar job environments. It is short, funny, and with no shortage of silly interactions. I spent several minutes in my digital office cube shooting staples into neighboring cubes and giggling at the angry responses of my co-workers. WHO THREW THAT. STAND UP.

Finally, I’ve taken some time to try and get into the streaming world beyond the Mozilla app. It has been both encouraging and...well, not so much. I’ve mostly been dinking around in Bigscreen, an app that offers a number of Pluto TV channels in digital theater environments. You log into a room with other people, who appear as avatars, and you all watch the shows together.

Well, sorta. Most people don’t really watch the shows so much as they throw digital tomatoes at the screen and shout upsetting shit at each other. The server population seems really low, so the massive theaters take on the quality of a creepy XXX cinema, where one always feels a bit apprehensive of who they might meet.

At its best, Bigscreen is genuinely funny. I’ve made nightly stops at the Star Trek theater, which plays old reruns of Next Generation. The most enjoyable moments come in the spirit of MST3K, with witty comments and memes as people throw digital refreshments at the screen. I’ve found myself giggling despite myself.

At its worst, Bigscreen is a deeply racist and sexist hideaway full of the types of folks you’d normally shush the hell out of in a real theater. You can mute people, but it’s a tedious task. A reporting function also exists, but who knows how or if its being enforced at all. Finally, unless you’re doing a film rental, you’re going to be subjected to commercials on everything from erectile pills to The Blaze. I’ve described it to others as being Peak Late Night Cable: The App. If that appeals to you, well, it’s there and it’s free.

I’ve tried streaming my desktop, both on Bigscreen and via Oculus Link. Both were very laggy. There’s a very popular desktop streaming app I could try, but it costs IRL money. Honestly, most of what I’d want out of my desktop streaming I already get from Mozilla.

I like the Quest 2 a lot. I hope we see more experiences tailored specifically to it, as opposed to through the Link function or via desktop streaming.

Dungeons and Dragons

I finally wrapped up my improv sessions with my local DND group. Having just finished The Lost Mines of Phandelver, I wanted to take some time between campaigns to improv and get off the grid a bit.

The result was 4 sessions, 2 hours each, where I had nothing prepared in advance and I let my players take the lead. I gave them a map I’d built of the region and told them we could go anywhere they like.

My party ended up splitting into two groups- one heading to Castle Grayhawk, and one to Neverwinter. Antics ensued, personal quests furthered, and by the end, everyone felt ready for our next adventure at the Salt Marshes.

An interesting takeaway- when doing improv sessions, I had almost zero fights. I never once broke out the battleboard and only a handful of attack rolls were even attempted.

I, personally, like combat a great deal. So I don’t think that will be my style forever. But it was interesting to see what my sessions could look like without it, especially after such a combat-heavy campaign.

Anime

I’ll be honest- I’ve fallen really behind on this season’s anime. I have so many hobbies, and one thing gets shoved aside for another, necessarily so. This time, it’s anime and manga. I promise I’ll get back on the horse soon.

As the year winds down, I’m already thinking about my experiences over the past year and what my end of the year experience list will look like.

I’ve seen so many amazing titles this year.

Like, I get deeply, viscerally emotional when I think about Re:Zero.

My heart races as I think of the thrilling high points of Tower of God.

I delight in my inner goth kid as I ruminate in experiences like Gleipnir and Berserk.

I’m going to have a lot to talk about. Just thinking about it motivates me to get out there and see more.

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t-underneaththeradardancing · 5 years

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fuck - idk how - well to do lots of things - and we do know tech hate t - thats not quite on point or en garde either - but tonights post performance post mortem - paint it black

the good - tree climbing leaf and dirt hair - once unconfused t can plaze guitar - lox and bagel - some made up on the spot music - some magic - lots of love - love aint always enuff - uh chili dogs and fries - vitas voice - liam showing and again doing the hard but right thing/s

the bad chili dog hair t gets confused sometimes ez tho we find workarounds - its not cheating to tell him the key and a couple chords specially if u usin a capo on a song he never herd - just sayin

the ugly uh duz blood and pain count im ok shame the people and soul less beings who cause/d the feelings of shame ketchup hair

we end up laffing way too much - thing is - today started fucked up and pretty much stayed on track - u know its been uh different since the biz - and yah there still is one - its changing gonna change more prob - maybe not better just different

we cries a lot also

we heal then

well when u wear ur heart on ur sleeve and ur food in ur hair

a step back may be in order

me i prefer to wear my food on my clothes - it stains better - hair is ez to wash

did i mention i lissened to crywolf angels ep like 3 or 4 x yesterday and some el vy - theres maybe half a dozen ppl readin who will unnastand - if i mention sad bastards duz it help - no - well just move along then it dont matter much

( translation - t is being maudlin again cuz he depressed and future trips heartache and rejection - no not a romance - tho the looks - nevermind )

so y is ketchup hair ugly - its a condiment - now we know that dirt is an excellent conditioner - ask any potato u happen to - i have gazed more than a few x at the moon - this eve tonight - i wuz gonna say that life had gotten 2 surreal then forgot when it even more happen - and not the good kind of surreal either - another luxury problem the wrong kind of surreal - did u get it a amazon or ikea and yah - that splains it manstyle - if u cant laff about ketchup hair - i mean wtf

ok t - u so fukken cryptic and in group mindfuck - can u bottom line it or readers digest condensed milk - damn it - its contagious - ( another editor quits )

it started a little fucked up - was sposed to meet for acupuncture b4 java - things ran late - acu close early on weekends earlier than i thot so no - vita been going thru lots of hard uh lifestuff - it manifests and affects - we both been uh stressed at best - self destructive on various levels at worst w a little delusional thinking inna mix moi at least - we feel deeply and connect and empath sometimes for an instant completely - its not always pleasant cuz we human - despite everything going on - we go to do wat we do - play music w transcendence aim for attained rarely for more than glimpse but sometimes - magic - we trance in and out and different levels and different reality layers conflict - and too much too soon specially w a broken heart ( no not me - my heart is good - well yah the heart attack thing but we talkin soul heart ) and some ugly inna mix but not aimed at and self directed - we at our different homes safe or mostly - hope so - its late now unless u a musician or a barfly and last call wuz a few minutes ago even at the hardcore - there is love in my heart - a bit of dread - hope a smidgen maybe an ember that i fan boy - oh yah - we played - some barely ok - some goodish - a few really good moments - hearts not completely but then in it - a baddish incident - then we play a couple more songs like something proving not a victory lap not at all sir - prolly vita and i and i last performance in a while - slight chance madrone tomorrow but not prolly and im exhausted but maybe - we get together maybe 2 x this week if we lucky - she has a last jazz concert i think sat - imma meet her mom who tuff as nails north korean born and raised - really - that will b uh - interesting t interesting and a pleasure - maybe ask vita her name and practice - nah - she might as well meet the awkward fucktard albeit a well behaved version - but i will do wat i always - apologize in advance and assure by the 3rd time i will at least b very close lol prolly not socialize much after - it would b nice if she likes me but tbh expecting disapproval - extreme wariness at least - i would if i was her - then off to college - imma wait till she settle in maybe has a friend - dont want ppls 1st impressions of her to b w a weird af and old as guitar playing friend - at some point we b recording maybe podcast of some healing writing she been doing w music cuz low key but an ep - or album - theres enough good songs and we fuck around w a few more half maybe mostly written inna works

its after 2 am exhausted not sleepy wired cuz its been that kinda day - sorry but not for the cryptic - things happen not to b ashamed of - we played music and performed as well - real as fuck if nothing else - it could b a month or more before we perform again together - there is still a biz - how much vita will b able to contribute uncertain - sometimes fucked up things happen - nobodys fawlty towers no guilty party

love

#poetry i guess #post performance post mortem #feel free to skip parts or all

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forgettinggirlinterrpted · 5 years

Text

5/8 - 5/13/19

It’s so easy sometimes to forget why I’m here. That’s my problem- I forget things. I forget my keys, I forget to turn my car off when I get gas, once I even forgot I biked somewhere and ended up walking home.

But worse than that, I forget emotions. I forget how miserable not having AC in my car makes me until late April rolls around, I forget when I’m mad at someone, I forget how happy I felt during some of the most important moments in my life. Most importantly- I forget when I’m sad.

I have brief moments that pop up in a sea of darkness that allow me, for just a moment, to laugh and feel like a real person. These moments happen a lot. I can see light and laughter during a panic attack before the flip switches and my brain turns back into a train running off static electricity and black mold. The fog clears for just a brief stop on the tracks and the mold crawls back to its host.

But same as the the fog clears, eventually so does my forgetfulness. My ability to forget is just as weak as it is powerful. Slowly but surely those mold covered trains start moving again with no clear destination. The black creeps in as I sit in the real world, hunched over, grasping onto my surroundings- yet failing to grasp onto any sort of consistent breathing pattern. I can forget sadness, but I can just as quickly forget happiness.

So here I am, in the day room of a psychiatric hospital, surrounded by people just like me. We have become our own ragtag group of misguided grownups. When I arrived here 7 days ago almost a year after my last admission to this hospital, I felt the trains moving at full speed through a pile of sludge. I stared at the painting on the wall and began to fear that here, I may not be able to utilize my warped superpower: my ability to forget.

But slowly, the other patients and I have begun to forget together- somehow forgetting without truly forgetting. Together, we can laugh not through the pain, but alongside it. This is the place where I don't have to feel bad for my moments of forgetfulness. Moments of comic relief and simple enjoyment. I don’t need to feel like my laughter negates my 10-year-old depression diagnosis.

Here, we are embracing those moments. We embrace the moments of happiness and sadness- in whichever order they decide to arrive. In a room full of people so different it looks like the set-up to a bad joke, we can forget in a place that is simultaneously forcing us to remember.

When I got here, my doctors told me to embrace the community. “If you don’t want to talk about your anxiety and depression, then just listen.” So I listened. And then I started talking.

One night, we all gathered in the day room, attempting to avoid the loneliness of our windowless rooms. As a Die Hard sequel blasted in the background, the addicts in the room discussed their journey through meth addiction. I asked questions. They answered. We all laughed. A heroin addict around my age told me, “seriously, don’t touch meth.”

The man next to me, Nate, said through the bustle of conversation and laughter, “are you here cuz of a drug?” I said no, and in his thick, mumbled, country accent he asked me, “then why you here?”

I told him that I’m sad.

He sighed, looked down at his folded hands and said, “yeah, I’m sad too.”

Nate loves movies and reading, M&M cookies, and meth. Up until he injected 3 grams of “ice” in a suicide attempt, he has been living on the streets. I halfway listened to the ongoing conversation about how incredible and horrifying hard drugs can be as he told me about a time he was arrested after ending up inside a university dorm building thinking he lived there. We all took a brief break to laugh even more when another patient, also coming from a recent suicide attempt, tried to enter the conversation by saying he had only ever “done weed once.”

Later, in his mumbled speech, Nate told the group about when he was high and stood in the middle of park downtown for 4 hours with a knife in his hand. We asked him what the hell he was doing just standing there.

He simply replied, “lookin’.”

I think we were unable, or even unwilling to truly focus on the scary reality behind Nate standing in a public park, knife in hand, waiting for cops that neither we, or even Nate, knew for certain were even coming.

So we just kept laughing.

As the night and following day before his release passed, I kept talking to Nate. I shared my extra cookies with him, and forced him to come paint in recreational therapy with me. But I couldn’t stop thinking about how genuinely scared I would be if Nate tried to open my dorm room door in the middle of the night. Or if I saw him middle aged, 6’2”, with a bald head, tear drop tattoo, and the psychique of a retired bouncer, standing in park, knife in hand, having the time of his life.

I asked him if it scared him to be out of control like that. He said that was his favorite part; he didn’t mind losing control. Between him telling me about his attempt to end his life and the meth fueled antics that cost him both his new job in Florida and his boss’ iPad, I realized Nate was funny, knowledgeable, and vaguely socially aware.

During one of our conversations, we found ourselves trapped in a seminar about nutrition. He slapped his hands on his thighs and said, “well, time to go.” I whined and asked him to stay. My insistence on attending every activity offered was at odds with Nate’s style. A style that told me that maybe once he did have my naive enthusiasm towards recovery, but lost it somewhere along the way. He said “you want me to stay?” and plopped back into his chair. He knew I wanted him to be there, just as I had begged him earlier to attend a journaling group session- declining my invitation with a non-committal hand gesture and a “nah.”

We sat through the nutritionist explaining “My Plate,” an updated version of the food pyramid. Nate leaned sideways and quietly grumbled, “is that like MySpace,” and I chuckled quietly in a way that reminded me of my habit of exchanging bad jokes in attempts to survive a boring lecture. When the nutritionist asked what could be used as a meat substitute for protein, Nate shouted out every type of bean he could think of. She asked if anybody had eaten eggplant and he shouted, “oh hell yeah, I had an eggplant lasagna once and that shit was delicious.” His southern drawl made everything he said more melodic, and added a level of enthusiasm he often didn’t like to show- unless he is shouting expletives about his incredible experience with eggplant lasagna.

After I had completely tuned out the nutritionist and began to draw in my notebook, Nate leaned over and asked if we could be friends on Facebook. I sneakily handed him paper for him to write his name down. As he wrote, he told me he may not be able to respond for about 30 days.

It happened again. I had forgotten.

I had spent that day arguing with Nate about whether the book or movie version of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest is better. This was an especially unwinnable argument given that I had never seen the movie and only gotten 100 pages into the book, and Nate had only ever seen the movie.

He had given me movie suggestions, quoted Carrie, and given me shit for thinking a Pink Floyd song playing on the radio was by the B-52’s.

He ranted about the symbolism behind the music video for Another Brick in the Wall as he painted a birdhouse that he could have easily crushed by closing his fist.

So I forgot. I forgot when he interrupted my conversation with a social worker to mime towards my extra cookie I had leftover from snack time. He had already eaten the first one when I offered, and originally declined the second.

I was happy he asked for this one though, since I had only asked for the extra cookies so I could give them to him.

But he didn’t know that.

His casual mention of the 30 days made me chuckle, but also made me remember. Remember where I was, why I was here, and who I was talking to.

I remember that when we first met, Nate told me his father had been in this same hospital almost 23 years ago. He also told me he killed himself right after being discharged. He tried to tell me it didn’t bother him, but shrugged and mumbled, “I mean it prolly does but I don’t know.” I want to say he said it casually, but that wasn’t it. He wasn’t laughing, but he wasn’t crying either. Mainly, he seemed defeated. Tired, like this was just the beginning of a long list of bullshit he has tried to deal with in his own way.

He looked at me, but never fully turned his body.

He told me the only thing he truly remembers about the day his dad died.

During checkout, his dad checked a box on his discharge forms stating yes, he did think his time there had helped him. But his father made it clear to Nate that he didn’t think it helped his depression. When he asked his dad why he lied to the doctors, Nate’s father told him, “I just want to go home.”

This all flashes back, and I remember that despite a potential Facebook friendship, this was the last time I would see him. Mainly, I was forced to remember that I have no control over his sobriety- and that 2 days of talking and painting with a depressed 24-year-old is not going to keep him from running back to the life he is used to the moment things get difficult in his new facility.

I began to think about my plan of action if I see Nate in 30 days, 3 months, or 3 years from now, standing downtown waiting for a dealer, or embarking on one of the never-ending walks he takes to kill time when the meth steals his ability to sleep.

Would I stop for him? Am I prepared to know fully and truthfully that this attempt at sobriety had failed? That the system had failed? Am I ready to accept the fact that I live in a world where kind, smart, and funny people just aren’t given the chance at life they deserve?

I asked him why he thought this shot at sobriety would work, and he said, “I’m just tired man, this ain’t no life.” So again, I remember. I remember why he is here in the first place- Nate had tried to kill himself. What happens if this doesn’t all go according to plan? What’s next?

His favorite part of the drug he wants to quit is the lack of control, and his drug-fueled delusions grant him his own ability to forget. Nate wasn’t ashamed to tell me his stories, but made it clear he wasn’t particularly proud of them either- with an ambivalence that is both inspiring and troubling.

I fear the thought of everything he hadn’t had time to tell me about. I worry about what will happen when he begins to allow himself to remember.

During our first conversation, I told Nate I was afraid to leave the hospital because I thought the real world was scary. Without fully looking at me Nate shrugged and said, “it’s only as scary as you let it be.”

Before he checked out, I gave Nate my copy of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest to read in rehab.

Maybe one day we can finally finish our debate on the merits of each version of the story.

Selfishly, I mostly did this so Nate would remember me. But even if he throws the book away, I just hope he remembers to take his own advice. The world really is only as scary as we let it be.

In our groups sessions this past week, we have talked a lot about forgiveness and second chances. For the past 6 months, I have struggled to handle my anxiety and depression, making my constant battle between forgetting and remembering unbearable.

I’ve learned I need to give myself a second chance, and allow myself to to let go of the things that fuel the trains in my head.

Nate and I are both giving ourselves our own second chances- ones that might end up with us both back in this hospital. Ones that will be scary.

Whether or not we crash and burn, these are second chances I think we both truly deserve.

The trains in my head will never fully stop, and that’s ok. I feel ready to go home. I feel ready to attempt to live in a world without fear.

And, for the sake of Nate and every single way our short friendship changed me- I just want to allow myself to forget, but always remember to remember.

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the-firebird69 · 3 years

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We are sick of all the guns need you all out. Your gun show is an excuse for Tommy f to show it and you showed it to him and he's stuck in his house is a clown what would you like me to do about that and start to say something but he says I always say you kind of like giving him no option and you have no idea what he's doing and he keeps telling you it keeps happening then it goes into your reports because you see anything else in the news business you're stupid he's telling you to knock it off you won't sometimes you don't care about it you have some sort of Tommy Allen AirHeads game that's what you're running around with this complete moron between nothing it was hilarious you went out there after grabbing a robot and you're told not to by the police they followed you to the limit of the bombing area and said you're on your own and don't worry about it we have a system and he said what does that means a lot worse than some idiots stealing Japanese robot or something oh s*** and put an APB on them they told people and they'll say go get him the hell out of there and bring the robot back they wouldn't do it and they said we don't have time to we've got a maneuver going on don't worry I'm going to try bet 21 in the robot remember all those stupid golf courses how about that guy yes wow I'm going to run one of the golf courses so you know how to get out just pretend it's a golf course and walk out of here we came in cuz you're in the bombing zone become be okay is it okay I'll follow instruction will pick you up with a security unit he said that's what I like to hear so he's walking along the road and he sees the security unit yes and they drive out and they were just in the side of it and he walks out and says I could have done that but I didn't why I didn't know why I was there or what they were doing he didn't know either no he knew they're trying to threaten to grab me threaten those two and others in this housing.

Zues Hera

Hahaha text to the robot the robot gets out okay now he wants to thank him so someone arigato don't know arigato to you thank you again so he does this what unit are you in since I run them all but not in this particular place he said I hear you have a special robot that would miss you and he says thank you. I think you too I need him intact and not afraid and messed up and he was afraid it was hot and so just get out and move back the way you came in and he said okay I'm sending you this I meet you just at the border of the bombing thing so he got it and it's going fast about 14 miles an hour I can't keep up at all he's hoping it it goes at 10:00 cuz I know where to be seen and hear them yelling the quieter and quieter and we have to go like 10 miles now about 5:00 that's not far he was fine and they probably will try and make you walk so they have to get the battery here trying all sorts of things because they're retarded he says well I kind of saved you because they want to threaten you to take the robot since threatening the housing didn't care about you but so I said this who the hell is saying that what did you do and that second can run it's like a black guy running competition this is John Henry the beginning of the John Henry it's going to be a great competition if we ever get it going let's see Bill so I'm going to do that I'm going to clear spot in the mall but tomorrow couple clowns with a balloons anyways need some face painting face painting with the Poundfoolish.

We love it you explain it when I get it they won't forget it until tomorrow if you had one of those 5150 you can down there and you can have that Chinese that Japanese food do you like maybe like two helpings this is really good and you need to but she's riding takes energy you have to concentrate you have to sit upright I can't slow she can't lay back almost fall asleep. What kind of digging it so John's getting some bikes from someone I forgot how that's going to happen well let's talk about your robots these robots going to stumble bikes John C Riley and have the parts oh yeah Wie chan lin is supposed to get the them in there. And I looked at the quality online of the bikes that he was kidding you and he was I think it was it's decent and it's better than the scooters and it's better than some of the motorcycles because it has a real frame so our frames are better now when it says because we're making the Japanese bikes and a lighter and the stronger and the alloys be very happy with it and the 50cc goes about 50 mph which is very fast as you say and I agree that's fast you don't belong on the highway you don't belong in the highway no I mean with the bike it out now I mean that you don't belong the highway you look at Chinese guy in America it sucks too it was so rude the rude in China but the kind of screw you and like that sounds different but that's what they're doing but here you're actually rude and purpose you're like grind your friend into meat patties if you doesn't listen to you being rude it's terrible it is horrible and rather have a car that drive himself so I can move people say okay evasive maneuvers. Our Sim can do that. We'll send some out and have the fully automatic rapid invasion system in emergency and or fake policeman and probably drive better than he does. So the going down there and face painting and they're going to have a good time and she's pretty good at it I've seen her do it and she doesn't lose her place and some people do and forget what the design is we can just put it there a lot of people do that she's happy and sells the template and she sells the paint and she sells the add-ons and some of the costumes so it's good enough and hers love it and I'll go down there looking around his clouds so would you like to see a joke people say sure you can't see hello wise ass jokes like that and copied some of yours it's quite horrendous it says he wants to go down there so he can see me trying to Bear through the jokes and sit there like Brian or Garth. So it's kind of funny this little like that I was just joking doesn't really mean it he knows it like there's some kind of point system going on it's interesting to see the board because I have one I'm sorry really is but you know you have to get ready for kids it's just much worse than we are takes a lot of effort and patience and even though they're going to be really good kids and a lot of things you have to do to take just a lot of time and effort you know so too I have to watch you all the time and him too spend a lot of time watching and you're feeling okay one day it says do you mind watching them I said no why what are you doing I said no in general lives you make sure it works any love and affection just like we got from Father's Mother who's generous enough to do it from a distance and I never heard one complete. You something you said something where not really keeping up with their demand to get rid of them Says Thor and Freya and I agree that's kind of what I've been trying to say.

Okay but the face paintings going to be very good it'll be something to do tomorrow not a huge crowd down there a few clouds so balloons the couple robots will be back and Garth is going to set up the running thing indoors and you'll have a place to slow down and you don't have to do it inside it's a track day to get the special sneakers the special clothes to have cameras and everything all set up and professionally so I'm going to take a risk and keep exposure to a level where it might make it safer and have John Gallagher to the photo finish he's agreeing trying to keep Ellie away from so doesn't make me to this mad man homo and stuff. That's really all the women in Utah and Grandma is insane will probably be there Tommy f is probably left out cuz he got beat tried to blow the robot up and leave in the combat zone it's probably with the real plot was to leave his wife there so it didn't work outturned out to be Brian. That's a great idea and he's going to become famous because this is actually what it is because there's going to be a machine that digs in a man that's a giant on you know babe and some things that they just fast and they're going to have a race and it's probably going to be after this because he thinks it garth might win as he could probably go faster than 14 especially on that tile where is running on the tire tracks or the dirt tracks of racing you lose a lot of energy and have trouble slowing down when he knows how to do it and I know you need to either take a while to slow down maybe like a third of the whole distance you run if it's 100 yd all you need sand or something and he said that's correct and I bet he gets up to 17 to 20 miles an hour it says that's true too that would take me a wallet when you have it out and sitting there holding it but then I remember your hands are as fast as lightning he says it's really just for food not for money so watch out anyways I know where you live Rodriguez he says to garth that chef boyardee but is looking pretty good cuz it's only last week. It's kind of exciting are you Satan is kind of stupid because his name is John Henry and he got it from a different story

Hera Zues

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