#thinking about lotor makes me sad sometimes bc he deserves so much good but does he get it? no

[devilsofficialfanfic]

The Purple Flame

Chapter 15: Feelings Are Scary, A Novel By Lotor

A/N: I actually know exactly how I want this fic to end. We just gotta get through the middle parts first. And no, I won’t spoil it for you guys :) 

Content Warnings: No Shower Sex (i promise), No Mpreg (I PROMISE), Lance being Lance, Lotor’s Super Depressing Childhood, Bullshit Galra Biology brings all the boys to the yard, We Have To Talk About Shiro

Lotor could not remember being happier in his life.

And that scared him.

He knew, from experience, that such happiness wouldn’t last long. It never did. Perhaps that was why he’d never pursued a long-term relationship with anyone before; he’d just be giving another pawn for Haggar to use against him, and he wouldn’t have been able to withstand the heartbreak.

He’d been very young when he realized that no one loved him, and he’d grown inured to the idea over the years. It still hurt, thinking about it, sometimes, but it was a familiar kind of pain, like the ache in his right knee from where he’d shattered it once. That was the type of pain he could withstand.

The sharp, burning pain of the witch taking everything from him -his mother, his father, his life’s work, the only four people he’d ever trusted -that was something else.

He wasn’t going to let her take Keith from him, too. And Keith was his responsibility now. Keith could take care of himself, of course, but it didn’t hurt to have someone at your back that you could trust.

And Keith did trust him.

The other paladins did not, the Blades did not, Coran did not, but Keith did.

And he trusted Keith.

That was why he slipped into the shower behind Keith without a second thought, unafraid to let Keith see him for who and what he was.

“Not that I’m complaining,” Keith said as he washed his hair, “but is there a reason for this? You haven’t wanted to before.”

“I have fewer secrets from you now,” Lotor said.

“Will I ever learn all your secrets?”

“Ten thousand years’ worth? I doubt it.”

“Seriously, though, are you in here for sex? Because I don't think that’s gonna happen.”

“It’s not a good idea,” Lotor agreed. “But no, I just…” Why was he there? He could barely stand to let Keith out of his sight, like Keith’s presence alone was some sort of intoxicating drug he just couldn’t get enough of.

Not that he indulged in any mind-altering substances with any frequency; he rarely felt secure enough to purposefully incapacitate himself.

And then it hit him. “I want to apologize to you, Keith,” he began. “I should have warned you, but… Honestly, it rarely happens in hybrids, and it’s never happened to me, so I didn’t think… I didn’t think I’d be affected.”

Keith turned around to face him. “What are you talking about?”

“In full-blooded Galra, there is an instinctual and pheromonal response to… certain situations, particularly at the start of a new relationship.”

“That did not answer my question,” Keith said. “Also, pheromones?”

“Most scientists believe that it initially evolved as a mechanism for the male of the species to ensure that the female was properly impregnated with his offspring.” He closed his eyes. This was terribly embarrassing. “Do humans not do the same?”

“Why would I know? The only humans I’ve ever really gotten to know are the other paladins, and they’re not exactly ‘normal’ humans.” Then Keith frowned. “Are you implying I could be pregnant?”

“I sincerely hope not. I feel like the doctor should have mentioned that.” And Dr. Arnok was an expert in hybrids. “If it were possible. I was led to believe that human males are incapable of carrying children.”

Keith sighed in relief. “They are.” He turned back to rinse his hair out; Lotor continued washing himself. “So what are you saying, then?”

“Whenever I’m around you, my body picks up on pheromones that you’ve released, and those mimic neurotransmitters within my brain that activate the reward centers.”

“So being around me makes you happy?”

“...Yes.”

“Is that why I can barely keep my hands off of you?”

“Probably. I should have warned you, and I’m sorry for that.”

Keith whirled around again and pulled his chin down so that they were eye-to-eye. “You didn’t know. You said it happens rarely in hybrids, and that you’ve never experienced it. So you couldn’t have known, so it’s not your fault.”

“The effects will wear off in a couple of weeks, anyway, and if you prefer, I can… be somewhere else, so you won’t… So you can know that your decisions are yours alone, and not the result of-“

Keith kissed him. “I already know they’re not. And even if they were… I can’t remember the last time I felt this happy, and I don’t want to lose that. But if you really want to go, I won’t stop you.”

“I don’t want to,” Lotor admitted.

“Then that’s that. You said it would wear off in a couple of weeks? Then we should enjoy it while we can.”

So perhaps it was the pheromones and some instinctual response from the primitive parts of his brain that made him this happy, but Lotor found that he didn’t really mind.

Even if he did, there was not a whole lot he could do about it. So there was no point in worrying about it.

“Lotor?”

“Yes, Keith?”

“I’m, uh, I’m going to go talk to Lance, and I’d like you to come with.”

“Why?”

“I’ve been meaning to talk to him about something, but I’ve been ignoring it, hoping if I didn’t - Hoping the problem would go away. But it hasn’t, and he’s leaving tomorrow, so… And I think you might be able to give some insights of your own. You’re good at reading people.”

Lotor stood, stretched; Keith didn’t so much as make a face this time. “What is this about, Keith?”

Keith grimaced. “Shiro.”

Of course. Gods, Lotor envied what Keith and Shiro had had. If only someone had given a shit about him, then… “Do you think Lance will be forthcoming with me there?” Lotor asked.

“I thought -he implied that you two had come to some sort of understanding. Anyway, it’s about Shiro. He idolizes Shiro; he’d do just about anything for him.”

“Like you would.”

Keith’s eyes snapped up to meet his. “Yes,” he breathed finally. Then, back in his normal humor, “I’m not bringing you along so you can read me.”

“You make it so easy,” Lotor teased. “You might not say much, but you don’t need to. I can always tell what you’re thinking.”

Keith crossed his arms. “It’s already late, and Lance is a bitch if you wake him up. Come on.”

Lance, apparently, had been in the process of getting ready for sleep, based on his pale green face mask and the bathrobe he was wearing.

It reminded Lotor a little too much of the nights aboard his cruiser with his generals, when he’d honestly thought- when he’d hoped-

“I want to talk to you,” Keith said.

“I’m going to bed,” Lance grumped.

“It’s about Shiro.”

“You couldn’t have done this earlier? And you had to bring Mr. ‘I’ve Never Had So Much As A Single Zit In My Life’ with you?”

“Between multiple heart surgeries, a brief stint on dialysis, and an eye correction surgery, I had enough problems while I went through puberty,” Lotor drawled, his arms crossed. “Thank all the gods I had clear skin, because otherwise I’m not sure what I would have done.”

“Yeah, well-”

“That’s enough,” Keith said sharply. “And no, I wanted to make sure we won’t be interrupted. I’m having a pair of sentries monitor Shiro’s door.”

“Is that really necessary?” Lance asked. “We don’t even know what’s wrong with him.”

“That’s why we’re here,” Keith said. “So, please, can we talk?”

Lance looked back and forth between the two of them, then grimaced. “Yeah, come in.”

The guest rooms did not contain quite the same ascetic opulence of the Imperial Suite, but there was still seating enough for the three of them.

“So. You decided to follow up with our conversation from two weeks ago finally,” Lance said. “And right while I was in the middle of my nightly skin care routine. I assume you brought Lotor up to speed?”

“...Yes,” Keith said. “Have you talked to anyone else?”

“No. Who could I talk to? I knew you’d believe me, Keith, but…” He shrugged. “At least, I hope you believe me.”

“I believe something is not right with Shiro. We just don’t know if it’s… something malicious, or just. Just the war.”

“You said he didn’t come back quite right?” Lotor asked finally. “After his fight with me father?”

“He was missing for...months,” Keith said. “We looked for him, but it was like he was just....gone.”

Lotor frowned. “Gone how? I know you recovered the Black Lion, so did he get out and fight my father like that?” If he had, then Shiro was a much more impressive fighter than Lotor had suspected.

Keith shook his head. “He never left. At least, no one saw him leave. The cockpit was just...empty. Like he’d vanished into thin air.”

“The Black Lion has capabilities that the other Lions lack,” Lotor said thoughtfully. “Specifically in regards to the unexplainable mysteries of the universe. Like Altean alchemy. It is possible that he did, indeed, vanish into thin air. I imagine there were significant gaps in his memory?”

“There were.”

“Hmm. Are you absolutely certain that…” He was not sure how to phrase this. “Could he have been lying about his memory?”

“He didn’t like talking about it,” Lance said. “Which is totally reasonable.”

Fair enough. “So what did he say about it?”

“Just that he escaped, spent a while at a Rebellion listening post, then set out to find us in a stolen Galra fighter,” Lance replied.

“Did he escape? Or was he let go?” Lotor mused aloud. Internally, things were beginning to come together. “His ‘escape’ may have been staged for his benefit and yours. He may not even realize what he is. Just that… Just that something isn’t quite right.”

“Then what is he?”

“I don’t have proof of this,” Lotor said, “but I know of a secret druid project. I was never able to get very much information about it, but I do know that Haggar has always been very interested in mind control.” He never thought she’d use it against him, but well. Certain events had proved otherwise.

“You think Shiro’s being mind-controlled?” Lance asked.

“It’s a possibility. The Galra-tech of Shiro’s arm could make him susceptible, but I will admit that I don’t know very much about druidry. Haggar was careful not to leave notes on her current projects in the lab aboard this ship, but I’ll see what I can find.”

He glanced over at Keith, who had been quiet the last several minutes. Keith was frowning. “You know more about the druids than we do.”

“Well, yes.” He briefly debated saying more, before deciding on full disclosure. “I was a very sickly child, and I was in the care of the druids until I was old enough for my father to take an interest in my education. I...learned a great deal, but that was primitive druidry. I imagine the art has come a long way in ten thousand years.” He sighed. “The komar, for instance. I could perform an old variation, an inefficient one, but the witch has managed to perfect the ritual.”

Keith lifted his eyebrows. “You can do the komar?”

“I know how,” Lotor said a little crossly, “but I won’t. It’s...barbaric.”

“So basically, you’re saying you don’t know what’s possible anymore? As far as the druids go,” Lance said.

“The druids are very secretive, and intensely loyal to Haggar. No one really knows what’s possible.”

Keith sighed. “Look, we’re not getting anywhere. It’s late, and I know you guys are leaving early in the morning. So, Lance, you keep an eye on Shiro, Lotor will go through Haggar’s lab, and I’ll… you know. Ok?”

Lance nodded. “You keep in touch, ok? Pidge gave you that comm for a reason.”

“I will.”

“Good. We’re gonna miss you, buddy, but I guess it’s time to go back to saving the universe.”

“You do that, Sharpshooter.”

Haggar’s lab was… Well. It was ten thousand years old. Future historians would kill for a chance like this, but Lotor was of a mind to burn the whole thing down the second he was done.

He would have, too, if not for the fact that he was on a spaceship.

Being there with Allura hadn’t been so bad. She didn’t know the significance of most of it, and she only really cared about anything that had to do with Altean alchemy. The rest… The rest she had ignored.

He couldn’t.

He tried anyway. It would take weeks to go through everything as it was, but if he had to stop every five minutes because he couldn’t leave his childhood behind him like any reasonable person, then it could take years. And by then, it would be too late.

Haggar wouldn’t wait that long. Whatever she was planning, whether or not Shiro was involved in some way, she undoubtedly had a plan.

She’d picked Sendak for a reason. She’d thrown his heritage in his face for a reason.  She’d spied on him for a reason. She didn’t act without reason.

It all fit together, but there were too many pieces missing for him to see what she was planning.

When he could no longer ignore the overwhelming dread her lab filled him with, he left and sought out Keith.

He wouldn’t let her take him, too.

#the purple flame #keitor #vld keith #vld lotor #vld lance #not my space dad #the keith-lance friendship is very important to me #thinking about lotor makes me sad sometimes bc he deserves so much good but does he get it? no #i will eloborate on some of the things lotor talks about in later chapters #i got u