#therentyoupay language learning

[therentyoupay]

“This year has been kind of wild, hasn’t it?” Anna muses much, much later that evening, well into the second round of dessert. Elsa looks up, startled by the wave of somber thoughtfulness from Anna’s side of the table. She isn’t quite sure what’s going on in her own headspace, let alone her sister’s.

“I mean,” Anna’s face crumbles, and she hides it poorly, “between me moving around so much, and finding my new job, and. You know. Dealing with Hans.”

Elsa’s fingers tighten imperceptibly on the handle of her fork. She lets Anna talk, and offers her a single encouraging nod, precise and controlled. Anna’s mouth is brave, tiny smiles and courageous words, but her eyes glisten with disappointment, with fear, with countless questions that Elsa cannot answer.

“I guess I wasn’t expecting my life to really… turn out like this?”

That makes two of us, Elsa can’t help but think but doesn’t dare let the thought rise any closer to the surface. These thoughts are not fair, she knows. They are not real, or maybe they are, but perhaps they shouldn’t be; Elsa has made her own decisions, and Anna has made hers—because Anna is an adult, because she’s starting to think like one—and now the two of them are left to pick up the pieces.

“I can understand that feeling,” Elsa shares, reluctant to offer anything more encouraging, such as no one does, really, or there’s still so much more, and your life isn’t over yet. “Sometimes plans change.”

Anna makes a face. “Sometimes for the better,” she mutters darkly, grimacing into her cup of cold tea. Elsa faintly wonders when Anna will think to reheat it but lets her make that choice on her own; she tries to keep a tally in her head, these days, of how many choices she consciously relents to Anna. She knows Anna does not notice. “Like. A hell of a lot better.”

Elsa cracks an amused grin at the grit in Anna’s voice, of fire and violence, and you won’t fool me again, and allows herself a deep sigh of unexpected relief.

“It’s okay to blame me, you know,” Anna’s confession cuts through the contented haze of Elsa’s awareness. Her sister’s eyes are so honest, and all over again, Anna is breaking, breaking her heart. “You gave up your doctoral program for me.”

Elsa turns her gaze to the contents of her mug, still warm. Whatever she says next will stay in Anna’s heart forever; she wants to make sure the words are the right ones.

“I did,” she answers eventually. “But I left for me, too.”

“But you’ve been waiting for that opportunity your whole life,” Anna insists, and her cheeks are dry but there are tears in her voice, in her throat, in her essence. “You want it. And you gave it up, because I’m a mess.”

“No,” Elsa corrects. “I withdrew because life is a mess.” She thinks in sudden waves and flashes—of freedom, of feeling trapped by four walls and a bedroom set of furniture, of opportunity, of wanting escape but not knowing how to find it, of feeling crowded and alone, of realizing that control is relative and everything and nothing, and says, “It may not have been the best thing to do, but it was the best decision we could have made at the time. It happened because it needed to happen.” Elsa lets that sink in. “And I’ll go back someday.”

“When?” Anna wants to know.

But Elsa still doesn’t really have an answer.

————

start from the beginning of livable 🎄🎁❤️

#while rereading this today i didn't remember this part and #now that i am in my fourth year of my doctoral program #i gasped-----i feel this bit so much more strongly now #like i could imagine it in 2016 when i wrote this story clearly but i didn't KNOW #this story was written right before i moved to japan for a year and a half (and this tory was POSTED retroactively from tubmlr to ao3 #WHILE I WAS IN JAPAN) and at this point in my life i still had an eventual PhD program on my radar but it wasn't anytime close because i #was about about embark on my Big Adventure Abroad with my fresh master's degree and my language learning journey ahead of me and i still #believed that i would be a classroom teacher forever and forever and that i would get an EdD #so the mere idea of elsa leaving her doctoral program---i could imagine but i could NOT FATHOM; not really #therentyoupay livable #jelsa #also for those of you who have read my most recent blog post on my site about how so many of my friends have either been kicked out #of our phd program or who have made the choice to leave #you can see the extra layers 🫠🫠🫠🫠🎄🎁✨

[therentyoupay]

Hey Kris, I hope your Japan adventure is going great. I'm trying to improve my Spanish and I was wondering if you had some resources/recommendations since you're pretty fluent at it I think.

hello, lovely!! oh god, i am so sorry. earlier, when someone asked me, “how are you learning japanese?” i feel like it’s a mixed bag of an answer by saying, “i... moved to japan!” 

in the same vein, when someone asks, “how did you learn spanish?” i feel like my answer is also an out-of-the-norm response, in that: [INHALES DEEPLY]  “i took spanish for six years in middle to high school but it was mostly robotic conjugation and THEN in 2008 i met my puerto rican/dominican now-fiancé and have since been ACTIVELY OBSESSED with learning the language for eight or so years, including simply being a part of his family, and ALSO picking up spanish as a minor and traveling to argentina and peru for study abroad summers, traveling to puerto rico to visit his grandparents, traveling to the dominican republic for a service trip, and progressing so far in my skils that in 2012 i actually traveled to spain for a summer as the paid teaching assistant for the spanish language study abroad program, and---ALSO---watching a whole FUCK-ton of telenovelas with my fiancé’s mother” [EXHALES THE HELL OUT]

so---i am sorry, my dear, but i am probs not the best resource to ask. :( 

however!! 

here’s some things i did to really help move my spanish along, once i had the basics down and became a more intermediate speaker:

i read many books in spanish that i had already read in english (i.e. harry potter, the hunger games, lots of young adult fiction) 

i listened to spanish music constantly. all different kinds. new, recent, slow, fast---my now-fiancé helped supply some of his favorites and some of his family’s favorites, and they are still on my itunes to this day, seven or eight or so years later

watched TV shows and telenovelas, both with spanish subtitles and without subtitles

watched TONS of disney movies with spanish dubbed voices and spanish subtitles, because i’ve seen every disney movie hundreds of times

even though i had my fiancé to practice with, i still went out and found free language conversation practice classes/language partners to speak with; this was important to me because i wanted to be exposed to many different dialects, accents, and speaking patterns

things i am doing as a beginner-level language learner (in japanese) that could be helpful in any language!

POST-IT NOTES OF VOCABULARY on everything

watching commercials in the target language for quick bursts of listening practice; this is mostly what i do as a tool to gauge how much or little i understand--at this point it’s just about picking words i know and listening to the overall intonation (or lack thereof) within natural “standardized” speech

finding free youtube language series/lessons! finding free language-learning websites! the internet is full of great options!

tumblr language studyblrs! i love following “a word a day” tumblrs that accompany new vocab with cute pictures, especially if they also offer cultural insights and example sentences/phrases

find a native-speaker to practice with, who can help ask questions!! this is key for motivation and understanding, imo. there are plenty of people on tumblr who make their blogs specifically for this cause!

SORRY MY DEAR, I HOPE THIS WAS A LEAST A LITTLE HELPFUL. if anyone else has any other suggestions, please feel free to add on!

#therentyoupay in japan #therentyoupay personal #therentyoupay language learning #therentyouay ask #kilee-kiwi #kilee kiwi