#therapist and I pinpointed an issue which basically boils down to childhood emotional neglect that STILL affects me

[gigglebug]

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#sherrif rambles #a lot has been said about the recovery from abuse and trauma etc. etc. #but like. to me none of it really means anything or even compares to actually going through that experience #because holy shit #therapist and I pinpointed an issue which basically boils down to childhood emotional neglect that STILL affects me #and just. it sucks man. #realizing some of your RL relationships have just been... chasing a carrot for a scrap of affection #and then not even getting either the carrot or the affection #setting aside time to hang out or do something and then they're busy every time #and my first instinct is to question myself if I'm being too needy because they didn't show #no! I'm allowed to want stuff and be mad or disappointed when it doesn't happen! #but recovering from emotional neglect is so freaking difficult #that I just keep doing it. keep letting it happen because maybe 'it's all in my head' and 'overreacting' #I'm exhausted. I want it to end. I want people who like spending time with me that I won't have to beg and struggle to get it! #it just. hurts. #I don't want to do this anymore. #I don't want to pretend anymore. #I just want to love and be loved and not get punished for either #I'm tired of waiting around for people to stop complaining about their day and ask me about mine for once #let me exist and be vibrant!! and encourage it dammit!! #somewhat related I think I have seasonal depression #but recovering from emotional neglect makes that so much worse lmao #and all the results for coping deal with the winter SAD types #I need less sun and cold actually thanks #*sigh*