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stokan · 7 years

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The Uber Oscars

Every year the Oscars hand out an award for Best Actor. But since they also hand out awards for Best Actress, Best Supporting Actor, and Best Supporting Actress they still leave the most fundamental question unsettled: who gave the year’s best acting performance.

Well (now that the dust has finally settled form this year’s crazy Oscars) I’m here to retroactively answer that question for every year dating back to 1990. Welcome to the Uber Oscars!

2016 Casey Affleck Emma Stone Mahershala Ali Viola Davis

If Viola Davis had competed in Best Actress, like she should have, she would have won it easily. I’m starting this exercise with a gimme putt.

2015 Leonardo DiCaprio Brie Larson Mark Rylance Alicia Vikander

Time changes how art is perceived, and this feels too recent to really have a clear perspective on it. I would wager that 5-10 years from now Brie Larson’s work will be considered the best of the bunch, but Leo so thoroughly dominated last year’s award season and his win loomed so large in the popular consciousness I gotta give him the nod here for now.

2014 Eddie Redmayne Julianne Moore JK Simmons Patricia Arquette

I remember being blown away by Julianne Moore in Still Alice, but the movie came out only three years ago and yet I barely remember a single thing about it. JK Simmons’ performance in Whiplash on the other hand, was instantly iconic to everyone who saw it and will define his entire career. So, sorry Julianne, but you’re lagging every so slightly.

2013 Matthew McConaughey Cate Blanchett Jared Leto Lupita Nyong’o

Screw your McConaisssance, this is Cate Blanchett all the way. Leo should have beaten McConaughey anyway, and then we could have had a real debate. Great year though overall.

2012 Daniel Day-Lewis Jennifer Lawrence Christoph Waltz Anne Hathaway

Another great year. Anne Hathaway is now officially underrated and Jennifer Lawrence is one of the most memorable winners of recent years. But one of my rules in life is that in an acting-related contest between anyone and Daniel Day-Lewis, the winner is always Daniel Day-Lewis.

2011 Jean Dujardin Meryl Streep Christopher Plummer Octavia Spencer

Uh, well someone has to win, so using the Daniel Day-Lewis Rules, this one goes to Meryl Streep, I guess? Says a lot about the 2012 Oscars that one of the hardest trivia questions in the world is “who won Best Actor six years ago”.

2010 Colin Firth Natalie Portman Christian Bale Melissa Leo

At the time it was probably Christian Bale. Now it’s probably Natalie Portman. But it’s close.

2009 Jeff Bridges Sandra Bullock Christoph Waltz Mo’Nique

I might be biased here, but I think Christoph Waltz in Inglorious Basterds is an all-timer. If you wanted to talk me into Mo’Nique though I’d be willing to listen.

2008 Sean Penn Kate Winslet Heath Ledger Penelope Cruz

REALLY strong year. Any of the other three could have won most years. But Heath Ledger’s Joker is arguable the single best performance of the 2000s. It’s certainly the most iconic.

2007 Daniel Day-Lewis Marion Cotillard Javier Bardem Tilda Swinton

If Heath Ledger’s Joker isn't the best acting performance of the 2000s then Daniel Day-Lewis’s Daniel Plainview IS. So, sorry Javier Bardem, but you're gonna have to settle for being the strongest Uber-Oscars runner-up of them all. And Tilda Swinton, any day now feel free to give Cate Blanchett the Oscar you stole from her.

2006 Forrest Whitaker Helen Mirren Alan Arkin Jennifer Hudson

As much as I want to try and argue that it’s Jennifer Hudson, I think it’s pretty clearly actually Helen Mirren.

While we’re here, 2006 Best Supporting Actor is on the shortlist for weakest Oscar acting category of all time.

2005 Phillip Seymour Hoffman Reese Witherspoon George Clooney Rachel Weisz

Fun fact: Even George Clooney can’t totally remember what movie he won an Oscar for. Anyway, this was the easiest call on the whole board. Not so fun fact: this was the Crash year.

2004 Jamie Foxx Hillary Swank Morgan Freeman Cate Blanchett

Oh god…is it Jamie Foxx for Ray? It’s Jamie Foxx for Ray isn't it? UGH. I hate this game; why did I make it up?

2003 Sean Penn Charlize Theron Tim Robbins Renee Zellwegger

Why does it feel like Charlize Theron’s performance in Monster doesn't get its proper due? It’s profoundly great work and should be talked about way more. Is this how think pieces get started?

2002 Adrien Brody Nicole Kidman Chris Cooper Catherine Zeta-Jones

Can I pick none of the above?

2001 Denzel Washington Hallie Berry Jim Broadbent Jennifer Connelly

If you want to really get me talking, ask me about how Art Carney’s 1972 win for Harry and Tonto led to Denzel beating Russell Crowe out for this Oscar. I’m fun at parties.

2000 Russell Crowe Julia Roberts Benicio del Toro Marcia Gay Harden

If Kate Hudson hadn't been upset by Marcia Gay Harden I would have given this one to her. But you have to actually get the Oscar to be eligible for an Uber Oscar.

1999 Kevin Spacey Hilary Swank Michael Caine Angelina Jolie

Full disclosure: I’ve somehow actually never seen Boys Don't Cry. But Angelina Jolie is not only incredible in Girl Interrupted, it’s the performance that made her into a superstar. It’s impossible to overstate how famous Angelina Jolie was overnight in the wake of this Oscar win. That counts for something.

1998 Roberto Benigni Gwyneth Paltrow James Coburn Judy Dench

I’m a big Shakespeare in Love fan and defender and even I refuse to give this to Gwyneth Paltrow. Also, the only thing that has aged worse than Roberto Benigni’s win is this poster: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/71st_Academy_Awards#/media/File:71st_Academy_Awards_poster.jpg

1997 Jack Nicholson Helen Hunt Robin Williams Kim Basinger

Would you like for me to quote the entirety of Good Will Hunting for you? Because I can. Have I mentioned yet that I’m fun at parties?

1996 Geoffrey Rush Francis McDormand Cuba Gooding Jr Juliette Binoche

This basically comes down to what you value more in a performance: craft or charisma. Although craft seems like the obvious answer, in this case Cuba Gooding Jr. basically invented an entirely new character archetype through sheer force of personality. So let’s call it a tie for now.

1995 Nicholas Cage Susan Sarandon Kevin Spacey Mira Sorvino

Yes that’s right kids, Nicholas Cage not only has a Best Actor Oscar but he’s actually one of the most deserving Oscars winners of the 1990s. The 90s were a weird time.

Speaking of which, here are actors who won Oscars at this Oscar ceremony for things other than acting: Mel Gibson, Emma Thompson and Christine Lahti. As I said, the 90s were weird.

1994 Tom Hanks Jessica Lange Martin Landau Dianne Wiest

Here’s the thing, this should be Martin Landau. He's incredible in Ed Wood. It’s one of the best supporting actor performances of all time and definitely one of the best overall performances of the decade. 1994 Best Supporting Actor is one of the strongest categories ever and he won it easily. But that said, no one is beating Tom Hanks for Forrest Gump. Is it great acting? I genuinely don’t know. But off the top of your head name 10 performances in the history of film that are definitely more iconic than Tom Hanks as Forrest Gump. I’m not saying I feel great about it, but for better or worse, right or wrong, this completely meaningless made-up award is his.

1993 Tom Hanks Holly Hunter Tommy Lee Jones Anna Paquin

Holly Hunter winning acting awards is so 90s. And I hear your arguments for Tom Hanks in Philadelphia, but so much of the esteem for that performance came from “straight man plays gay and has bravery to depict AIDS”. Nothing against Tom Hanks and the great work he does, but you don’t brownie points for that in 2017. Plus, although people sleep on it now, The Piano is actually STRAIGHT FIRE, SON!

1992 Al Pacino Emma Thompson Gene Hackman Marissa Tomei

I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to give this to Marissa Tomei. But I recognize that it actually belongs to Emma Thompson. However it definitely DOES NOT belong to Al Pacino. Scent of a Woman wasn't even his best Oscar nominated performance of 1992.

1991 Anthony Hopkins Jodie Foster Mercedes Ruehl Jack Palance

Hey, remember a few seconds ago when I asked if you came name a more iconic acting perforce than Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump? Well here’s your answer. This probably the Uber Oscar winner of the whole decade.

On an unrelated note, I kinda miss the days when people like Jack Palance, Marissa Tomei, and Dianne Wiest could win Oscars for comedic roles. #MakeOscarsGreatAgain

1990 Jeremy Irons Kathy Bates Whoopi Goldberg Joe Pesci

If Anthony Hopkins isn't the overall Uber Oscar winner for the 1990s then Joe Pesci is. In fact I extended this meaningless exercise all the way to 1990 just to include him. And now that I’ve reminded you of the greatness of Joe Pesci in Goodfellas we can finally draw this to a close. Congrats to all the fake winners on your fake awards!

#Oscars #acting

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