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readingroad · 2 years

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My best friend

I didn’t mean for you to be my best friend. I’ve told you this before - I actually wanted you to stay far away from me because you reminded me of Julia and/or Sam (v seemingly cool, definitely popular, very pretty, asian girl who may or may not be a bad person AKA scary). But you persisted in being my friend. Not in conventional ways. You ate my sub horizontally and would leave me videos of you doing it on my laptop. You crashed into my room whenever you wanted, and divulged private things about your life. You told me “miss you/love you bby” through text, and that was the first time I was like “wow people actually talk like this?” I’m pretty skittish from the world, and didn’t like to answer my phone, but you consistently texted/called/asked me to hang out. I was so confused on why you wanted to be MY friend when everyone thought you were The Bag. Again, told you before, but I remember the one time I went to get food with Brian Cao, you were in line way before us and dressed like Drip, and he was like O_O (heart eyes).

You are interesting, funny, sassy, confident, and have interests that wildly surpass mine (music, history, theory, language, etc). I remember when you and Mark convinced me to go to NYU, and you played “Death Cab for Cutie” on your laptop on the train, and I was like “O_O whoa, cool people music that isn’t basic” (yeah, I get now that those songs weren’t actually super obscure, but this was my impression because the most Drip I listened to was like Green Day).

In the beginning, I’ll admit, I didn’t really relate to the feelings or thoughts that you had, but I was a bit of an edge lord - “feelings don’t exist! you just need to be a hardcoded robot psh”. And while you grew on me to want you to be my friend, I was at a place where I didn’t super value friendship. I was okay with you not being my friend at some point or growing apart.

But through our friendship, you continuously just showed that you were there (again, maybe intruding on my life, spreading your toes in front of Mike’s face, showing up at my house, blah blah). You also grew a lot, or maybe I grew, or maybe we grew together, and I went from liking you as a friend to really being proud that you’re MY friend.

You were interesting, but now you’re intimidatingly intriguing (I even show off about you to co-workers, which maybe you hear). You were funny, but now we’re hilarious stand-up in-your-living-room comedians, You were sassy, but now you also have Muay Thai Drunk sassy. And you were confident, but your confidence now even helps build mine. In addition, I’ve watched you move in and out of Brooklyn (6 times), move back home, and struggle with the isolation (which honestly, we need to weight for why you used time on random people where I did not have to), then succeed to build a life full of interest passions and friendships. (Here, I apologize. I was so caught up with work that I didn’t even recognize how hard that must have been).

You also grew to have a lot more depth to your feelings (or maybe learned how to vocalize them in a way that makes a lot of sense), became extremely self-aware, and started being the Bag of unconventionality. Not like Vinny type, but you know, a pioneer for things that you liked that nobody else at the time cared about. Obviously, people all hopped on your bandwagon without even knowing it. I bet Claudia is vegan now.

Before I get too drunk, I guess the point of this is, I do not sit well with the things you’ve heard from Jamal and how Dina has talked about you. I told you not to swirl, but I am slightly swirling because I’m just confused.

Allidrip taught me the value of friendship - I’ve definitely even told HJ that. I previously thought that friendship was this replaceable thing that comes and goes with people I meet. It’s nice, but I didn’t care for it. There’s two instances that I think of that I felt like I was in a coming-of-age indie movie (there’s obviously more, but like I’m sitting here watching you curl your toes, and I’m trying to keep this relatively real and short). Once, you picked me up from the NB train station in your Prius (years ago), and for some reason, I felt so safe seeing little cutie pie pull up with you sans glasses. The other time, very recent, is when I was extremely upset with Kevin (who I used to think was my other best friend) lashing out at me, and I asked HJ “do you think Allison would let me still live with her?”. He said “I know she will”.

I’ve always admired your tolerance and willingness to talk to strangers about some real things in their/your lives - I know it makes their day. While I get confused about some of the things you do with reaching out and helping people, I’ve always respected it, even though I can’t bring myself to do those things. And to be honest, after swirling today about it, I just can’t label you as fake or a bitch. It makes me really upset that you got that feedback because I know it’s untrue. I just label you as a really good person (I know you disagree with a label like that, but that’s just how I feel). I’m pretty sure I’m not being biased. It’s not just me, it’s all the non-pothead anger-issues people who agree with me.

If you weren’t the way you were and are - being this random being that constantly is considerate of making people feel loved/comfortable, I don’t think I’d be sitting here in your house typing all of this. So, yeah.

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