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mggpleasedontlookhere · 4 years

Text

what i knew

summary: sometimes curiosity doesn’t kill the cat, it kills relationships; and in the worse cases it kills people

word count: 2,612 reading time aprox: 10 mins

warnings: character death (not any of the protagonists), angst, and loss/grievance (this is the first time i had to use one of these, wow)

a/n: this is my celebration post for reaching 2k followers here, so i decided to celebrate the way i know best: through angst! thank you all very much for reading

masterlist

Coming home to Spencer was the sanctuary I needed after facing the trials and tribulations that the day demanded me to endure. He was the soothing whisper in my ear as I embarked on the uphill of life while a blazing storm was afire. He became the chief of defense whenever malicious thoughts infiltrated the purest parts of my mind.

He became my security blanket. A blanket I would comfortably drape over my bare skin at the times where I needed him most.

But nothing could’ve prepared me for the single night that I couldn’t restore what he lost.

I flipped through the pages of Jane Austen’s most profound work, my eyes trailing over every word with intent and curiosity. Although in my peripheral view, Spencer was a few steps away as he was also engrossed in a book. But with my attentive instinct, I noticed the subtle flicker of eyes from the pages of the novel to the screen of his cellphone on the arm of the chair he sat in.

Taking a moment to linger at the sight, his fingers had been more fidgety, the lines etched on his forehead were creased, and the intense stare he held as he read could’ve burned holes through the pages. A thought was obviously crossing his mind--well maybe a few million were.

“Spence? Are you well?” I tucked my book neatly into my lap, giving Spencer my full undivided attention.

“Yeah--uh I’m just checking up on my mom--yeah” He nodded unconvincingly, letting his eyes stray away from the page he’s been stuck on for the entire time, checking his phone once again.

“Really?” I hummed, raising my eyebrows at his vague response.

He nodded in response, momentarily raising his eyebrows at me while he nodded apprehensively. “Yup” He assured.

“You know Reid…” I began, tracing the quilted fabric that was stitched onto the arm of my chair. “I may not be a profiler but you’ve been on that same page for approximately six minutes now, your knuckles are twitching which is usually a clear indication of anxiety, and your eyes have been more interested on whatever is plastered on your phone rather than the words in your book, but again I’m no profiler” I declared my observations eloquently, only looking up at him in satisfaction as fascination crossed his eyes.

He shook his head, humming in amusement as he set his book on the side table. “Okay Sherlock” He relinquished his facade, gesturing at me to continue.

“So Spencer Reid, are you going to tell me what’s going on in that brilliant mind of yours or am I going to have to pick it out of you?”

He laughed at my threat casually before a more melancholy expression crossed his visage. He exhaled a heavy breath, taking one last glance at the device beside him before meeting my inquisitive stare. “I wasn’t--um--lying about it being my mom…” His voice trailed off with a choked breath in his esophagus. “Uh, I got into sorts with her and we just got into his argument about sending her into another study and--gosh Y/N she told me no more studies an-and that got me angry because it seems like she’s ready to...ready to…” He breathed, taking a longing pause as his face contorted into anguish.

“Hey...you don’t have to--if you don’t want to say it, you don’t need to” I reassured, standing up from where I was planted, skipping over to where he was situated. I kneeled before the chair, resting my head at the side of his knee. His hands made its way to the tangled mess of my hair, soothingly running his fingers through the tousled locks.

I watched as his chest heaved and fell at a rhythmic beat, signifying the evident weight that was present on his shoulders. “It just feels like all the hope--all the effort--I’ve put into making sure she’s lived a happy life was futile” He vulnerably confessed, his finger running down the side of my cheek, caressing it gracefully while he spoke. “I just...I don’t know what or how to process that” He tapped on the apple of my cheek, gesturing for me to climb on next to him.

“Maybe I’m just overthinking-”

“No Spencer, you absolutely have the right to worry about this. She’s your mother after all” I climbed into his open arms, settling my legs over his laps as I nudged my head into the crook of his shoulder. I relished in his scent, basking in the soft warmth that naturally radiated from him. “If..if you don’t mind me asking, why do you keep checking your phone?” I tentatively ran my fingers across the side of his abdomen, tracing mollifying circles to ease his tense muscles.

He carelessly tossed the device next to me, cautious about hitting me by accident. I grabbed the phone out of the small crevice it landed in, scrolling through the various voice messages Diana had sent Spencer in the last couple hours.

“YOU UNGRATEFUL CHILD”

“I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN”

“I WISH I NEVER HAD YO-”

My heart jumped at the heinous comments; the venom spilling over her words came as a surprise. Never would I have thought that anything of this sort would inhabit Diana’s mind--well despite it not being there most of the time.

“I--Spencer, I don’t even know how to--”

“She’s in the middle of a break--or at least that’s how she was when I left her” He paused, shifting his eyes to the frosted window in our living room, taking small glances at the phone in my hand. “But those messages were from a few hours ago” He sighed, pulling me into his side, laying his chin on my head as he breathed into my hair.

“Well…” I pulled his chin down gently to level our eyes, pressing a soft kiss on the corner of his mouth. “I know that your mother loves you with all her heart...the same way that I love you with all of mine...” I brushed a few stray hairs away from his face, letting my palm fall down to cup his cheek. “Maybe even more. I know it hurts now Spence--and I’m asking you not to hide from me because I’m here--but in the small time I got to know your mother, I know that she has a big heart like her son and I’ve felt the same unconditional love that can radiate from it” I finished, pulling him down in a sweet kiss.

I felt his lips curl into a timid smile, breathing out a hefty exhale before blessing the top of my head with a grateful kiss. “Thank you Y/N” He hummed, descending down to my shoulder, nuzzling his face into the crook of my neck. “Really...thank you”

It had been a tiring week to say the least. Ever since Diana left those voice messages on Spencer’s phone, he’s been leaving the device at home, sometimes even forgetting to charge it. I hummed a continuous melody, letting the tune of Hamilton buzz through the living room as I cleaned. I leaned over the couch to fluff up the pillows, folding the blankets that were thrown carelessly on the floor.

An exasperated huff escaped my lips as I spotted the neglected phone tucked in between the cushions of the couch. Pulling the phone out of the crevice, I inspected the power button, soon discovering that the battery was indeed dead.

I skipped to the kitchen counter, plugging the phone into the charging port before shuffling back to the living space. Although not even a second later, the ringtone sounded while various notifications blared out simultaneously.

I cringed, plugging my ears in the hopes that the horrendous symphony of chimes stopped. After a few minutes had passed, the screen turned on displaying an array of text messages, emails, and voicemails. But the one particular message caught my eye despite the cesspool of notifications.

‘Bennington Sanitarium: 13 new voicemails’

The cold bit at my fingers as I held the phone, like it was a forbidden relic.The eeriness ran up my veins at an unfathomable pace, sending a warning shock to my shoulder. I instinctively dropped the device on the marble counter, shaking my head out of disorientation.

Why would the sanitarium--?

Should I even be seeing this?

No--I shouldn’t, everything’s okay, this isn’t my business. But what if--no.

I walked away from the counter, ignoring the lingering feeling of curiosity scratching at the back of my neck. I grumbled, trying to hide the impulsive grimace forming on my face.

Don’t do it Y/N

I took in an intermittent breath, turning around to stare at the tempting device sprawled out on the counter

But what if something--?

No...No?

I bit the inside of my cheek, letting the battle between my conscience and my temptation ensue.

Well...Spencer should be home soon

Maybe just a little look…

My curiosity camouflaged the growing guilt in my stomach, rushing off to take the phone in my hands once again. I felt like Eve in the garden, the serpent drawing me in by manipulating my eagerness to know. I knew once I made that decision, there was no way back. At that time I was completely fine with those odds--I comfortably accepted the unknown.

But that was it…

It was what I didn’t know, that should’ve stayed unknown.

I crossed a boundary that I was too ignorant to recognize

“Good Afternoon Dr. Spencer Reid, this is the Bennington Sanitarium, I am Charlene, Diana’s nurse, and...I--there was--uh--” The woman choked in between her words, making the pit in my stomach grow. “There was an incident regarding your mother and I have to inform you, sir, that--”

I swiftly pressed the pause button on the voicemail, feeling an overcoming wave of fear wash over me. My hands shook at my sides, frustrated at the underlying curiosity that still nipped at me.

Was it even human of me to snoop through Spencer’s privacy?

Was it merciful for me to deliver a message that might cause pain?

Moral dilemmas flooded my head once again, but I pushed that aside, unable to deal with the raging battle occurring in my conscience. With a shaky breath and a quick glance at the door, my finger hovered over the screen and let the message play out.

“The staff of Bennington Sanitarium regret to inform you that Diana Reid has...passed away at 9am this morning. She had suffered a stroke from an insurmountable of stress and passed peacefully in her bed. I understand that this is a difficult time but we need you to…”

The cold had infiltrated my entire body, guilt weaving itself in between the tendons of my heart. A nauseating ring permeated my ears, but nothing could’ve been the cause of the emitting sound. My entire body melted into weakness, my limbs turning into jello.

“No…” I whispered.

This wasn’t real...I...Spencer

Spencer...oh my god Spencer--what is he going to--

I covered my mouth as a distinguished sob of anguish left my lips. Tears fell freely from my eyes for Spencer, for Diana who had been a second mother to me, to the regret of my actions. I held myself up on the counter, the deafening ring still not leaving my ears. It bounced around my headspace like a punishment, like it was torturing me for venturing into an abyss I never should’ve been tempted to explore.

Shock invaded every corner of my body, making me feel lightheaded.

She was…

She was gone…

Diana...she’s…

Spencer never got to say goodbye

This call was his goodbye and I took that from him.

I took away his goodbye.

Another sob reverberated through the room. It was heavy and choked like it was a place where solace could never thrive. Pain was evident in the guttural emission, challenging the strings that kept the heart open to hope.

Although the sob hadn’t left my lips…

It left the mouth of a mournful brunette who stood in the frame of the door, unbeknownst to the news he would soon uncover.

It seemed that I failed to hear the cheery footsteps of his while he entered the apartment, too entranced by my own shock that still pounded against my chest. My mouth hung agape as the feeling intensified by the mere appearance of Spencer himself.

His autumn colored eyes dulled into a sully grey, his prominent shoulders hung with a thousand weights attached to him, but it was the way he looked at me that pulled me apart the most. His eyes longed for comfort, but the anger beneath them told another tale.

My breath had been caught in my esophagus, unable to form any incoherent words.

I--I didn’t know what to say

“S...Sp....” I tried my hardest to push the words off of my tongue but my fear decided against it.

He shook his head at me in defeat.

It was hopeless

His knees threatened to buckle before him. I noticed this and took an instinctive step towards him, but when he looked up to meet my concerned gaze, I knew there was nothing I could do.

A glassy film casted over his doleful eyes, the corners of his lips twitching into a frown as his head ran a thousand miles per hour. His breaths were heavy and intermittent, only coming out of his lungs as choked air.

“I…” He brokenly whispered. “She--I--no…” His voice cracked, giving away the scornful weight that he harbored inside him. “No no no no no no...no she can’t--no…” He grabbed fistfuls of his hair, pacing back and forth while he looked to the sky for solutions.

“No no no no no mom no please” He cried, crashing onto the floor as his knees finally gave out. Deep rooted cries racked his chest as he pulled his knees to him. “No no no no no” He continued to repeat like a haunting mantra. “Y/N no, please tell me it's not…” He begged.

“Spencer...I’m so sorr--”

“NO! NO! DON’T--” He heaved, lifting his face from his knees to send daggers my way. “Don’t...don’t fucking lie to me y/n” His voice softened, sounding like the broken boy that hid behind that brain of his. “Please...please just tell me she’s okay? Y/N? Please…” He begged once again. “I never...I didn’t tell her I loved her. You...you took that away from me...”

My own cries mixed in with his as I resentfully shook my head. “I’m sorry Spencer…” I meekly whispered, bringing myself onto the floor across from him. “I wish that I could do something---I really wish I can---please let me help, let me do anyth--”

Before I could finish my sentence, Spencer stood up and ran for the door, leaving all his belongings behind. I called out his name--I cried out for his presence.

I was desperate.

Desperate to console him, desperate to love him again and to make him feel safe, but I was mostly desperate to selfishly know if he was going to come back.

What have I done?

I was powerless

What have I DONE?

Left on the floor like broken porcelain that was swept under the rug, I let the broken fragments pool around me. I wailed for his return, but deep down I knew that he would never want to go back to a place that reminded him of a tremendous loss.

It was then that I realized that what I knew would plague the entirety of my existence.

It was what I knew, that I wish I had never come know.

hope you enjoyed <3

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