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xmanicpanicx · 3 years

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Romanticized Things That Aren't Actually Romantic

1) The "shut up" kiss

It happens in more movies, TV shows, and novels than I can even count. One half of the couple (usually a woman or girl) will be talking, and the other person (usually a guy) will suddenly lay an ol’ sloppy one on her mouth. Often times, she’s rambling about her insecurities, so some people think it’s cute when he kisses her, symbolically laying her worries to rest. Don’t worry, hon! There’s nothing to be insecure about! He likes you! There are two big problems with this. The first is that when someone is speaking, you shouldn’t cut them off; best case scenario, it’s rude. Of course, people cut each other off all the time in conversation, so that’s different. But when a character interrupts another character’s speech to kiss them, they are essentially prioritizing their sexual desires over the other person’s need to express themselves. It’s an action that has an agenda. Everyone wants to be truly listened to when they speak. So if, for example, we have a female character babbling about her insecurities, the male character should hear her out, and then respond to what she says. There is plenty of romantic potential in words — even more than in kisses, in my opinion. His response could still be a kiss after she’s finished speaking (as long as it’s not a rattlesnake-strike type of kiss that doesn’t give her a choice). However, we still have another problem: the female character’s self-confidence shouldn’t be contingent upon the male character’s opinion of her. In other words, a kiss from a guy, no matter how much she loves him, will not and should not heal her negative perception of herself. Not healthy. Real people and characters should accept themselves on their own terms rather than on the approval of others.

Sometimes, the sudden kiss will come in the middle of a female character’s angry rant. The male character thinks she’s cute or sexy when she’s angry, which can be frustrating and patronizing for anyone who voices their anger because they want to be listened to and taken seriously. But regardless of why the character is talking, the other character should stop kissin’ and start listenin’.

2) Female double standards

Women and girls often feel really uncomfortable when men objectify them and make comments on their bodies, so they call these men out — and rightfully so. They also call male authors out for only describing women in terms of their bodies and giving them very little, if any, personality. Once again, rightfully so. Unfortunately, in real life and in literature, there is a double standard here. It’s one thing to write an erotic novel in which bodies of every gender are described in explicit detail and with an express purpose. But I’ve read novels without any sexual content that go into so much detail about guys’ looks. And these male characters are often not well-developed, either (think of the stereotypical jock with a hot bod and no brain). Authors — especially female authors, who are usually the ones perpetuating this — need to do better than this. If it's not okay to do that to girls, it's not okay to do that to guys, either. Also, what is up with that scene from The Notebook? The one where Rachel McAdams repeatedly slaps Ryan Gosling because he’s breaking up with her. How on Earth is that okay? The Notebook is widely considered to be a super-romantic movie, but there is nothing romantic about that scene, and it should be a deal-breaker for their relationship. If the tables were turned and Ryan Gosling slapped Rachel McAdams for breaking up with him, the entire plot of the movie would be different. It would be a thriller, a story about a woman trying to escape a scary ex. We would never root for the two of them to get back together.

3) Overly-metaphorical sex scenes

Cheese, cheese, and more cheese. Would you like some crust and tomato sauce with all that cheese? So many novels shy away from the anatomical details and favor metaphors for how the sex makes the characters (or just the narrating character) feel. In theory, there is nothing wrong with this, but I personally tend to roll my eyes more often than not at the actual execution. The narrator will say something too dramatic, like “our bodies became one and the universe opened up before me.” Or “and then we were flying, soaring with and through one another.” Or something else that is just… not sexy. As far as being poetic, there isn’t anything special about those phrases, either. There is nothing wrong with describing sex as it really is. I realize that novels featuring sex that are aimed at young adults probably cannot describe things too explicitly, but there’s no need to replace dirty details with flowery language. Go for whatever sincerity you can in the situation. There are plenty of different emotions to mine and sensual details leading up to the actual sex that read more thrillingly than the sex scene itself.

4) Instalove

It's simply not as much fun to see characters fall for each other right away. And how could they possibly fall for each other right away, anyhow? Is it all about looks? If so, both characters are instantly less likable because they're shallow. And that's not real love, either. You need to actually know someone in order to feel a such a deep emotion for them.

It's also important to note that making the characters "love" each other at the outset of the story does not heighten the emotional stakes. It actually cheapens them. Because how can we take this so-called love seriously when we don't get to know, don't get to care about, the characters as individual people before they fall for each other?

Now, if we get to know each character and watch them get to know each other, and slowly fall for each other, that's much more rewarding. It's character growth, and it's a whole process that we, as readers, get to experience vicariously though them.

This may just be a personal preference, but I think it's best to even avoid phrases like “my heartbeat skipped” or “my skin tingled when our hands brushed” in the beginning stages of the story. Even though the declarations of love and outright displays off affection may come later on, statements like these reveal instant attraction, which still isn't as rewarding as attraction that grows over time and through events.

5) Love interests being obsessed with each other

From approximately 2005-2015, YA literature saw a horde of books featuring teenage girls and boys who are everything to each other. I almost mean that literally. The first really popular book like this was Twilight, but it had a huge influence on everything in YA that came after, especially YA fantasy. How romantic, some people think, that hero lives for the heroine! And vice versa! Perfect! Meant to be! Everyone wishes they could have that one, true, perfect love!

Listen. Go back to Britney Spears’s first album and play the song “Born to Make You Happy”: ”I don’t know how to live without your love, I was born to make you happy.” Solid 90s bubblegum pop, but with unhealthy lyrics. An unhealthy mentality. Most of us are familiar with that heady, all-consuming feeling of falling in love, how it feels like that’s the best and happiest part of life as it’s happening. There’s nothing wrong with portraying that. It’s relatable. The glorification of it beyond all else is the problem. The hero and heroine have scares throughout the story during which they almost lose each other, and that brings to light just how strongly they feel each other, to the extreme that nothing matters except each other. Then, of course, they ultimately end up together, happily ever after, never having to part again. But in real life, people break up, or sometimes even die. People have no choice but to be apart from the person they loved so much from then on. And it’s devastating, but it’s not the end, even if it sometimes feels like it. That’s why it’s so important for books to give some indicator that there are other things that matter besides (and dare I say even more than) the one person the hero/heroine is in love with. The characters have to have some sense of self-love or resilience. They have to have other people they care about, or at least values/principles and goals. They have to be an actual person, not just a vessel filled to the brim with love for just one other person. Romanticizing a co-dependent relationship can be hope-crushing message, especially for teenagers who haven’t had enough time to grow, to weather the storm of life and toughen up and become wiser and more self-aware and self-confident.

7) The super dominant male love interest

Okay, I’m not trying to kink-shame anyone because I know there are people who absolutely love this trope. I want to say it’s fine, as long as it remains in Tropeland. But even if women want to keep these love interests solely within their fantasies, I do worry about the message it sends to men, if it makes them think that they can be abusive douchebags because women are into that. I already know of far too many men who think that women are only into assholes.

Personally, I’ll never understand the appeal of a man, fictional or otherwise, who dictates what a woman should wear, her food choices, where they go and what they do for dates ALL THE TIME. And jealousy! Sure, jealousy indicates that someone cares, and it’s a normal human emotion, but I’ll never understand the appeal of a guy who gets so jealous, he won’t allow his girlfriend any freedom. I’ll never understand how cruel, disparaging words could ever be on the same sexiness level as dirty talk. And I really, really will never understand how a man physically harming a woman could be considered sexy. It’s weak and cowardly, hurting someone who doesn’t stand a chance of fighting back because they’re nowhere near as strong.

I get the appeal of a guy who sees a woman as his equal and isn’t afraid to spar with her, challenge her, and maybe even be a little bit rough with her, knowing that she can handle it. I see the appeal of a confident man who isn’t afraid to tell a woman what he wants. When his presence becomes legitimately threatening and completely selfish, that’s when I personally see a problem. But hey, to each their own.

#writing #writing advice #ya fiction #writing rants #writing rambles

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vanessale307-blog · 7 years

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*Battle of gender norms and the true definition of beauty*

youtube

CQ: What gender norm is constructed or undone in this artifact, how is it performed, and/or how does it promote a dominant ideology over a marginalized group or push back against the ideology or gender norms?

Beauty – a simple word but means so much more than just one word. When one says the word “beauty,” one is most likely to imagine something that is attractive, beautiful, or pretty. For a long period of time, women have been defined as object of beauty. Even though it sounds like something to be proud of, it not always does. In fact, being an object of beauty can sometimes create a burden of fitting oneself into certain patterns that may not even suitable for one. This is where gender norms take place in. According to Butler, writer of “Undoing gender (Intro),” “the norms that govern idealized human anatomy thus work to produce a differential sense of who is human and who is not, which lives are livable, and which are not” (page 4). In other words, norms are formed to implicitly create a guideline, which makes people believe that they have to follow it in order to become a part of our society. In many types of norms, gender norms address common characteristics (concepts, ideas, actions, personalities, likes, dislikes, hobbies, etc.) that should be associated with either male or female. Once specific characteristics are attached to a gender, members of this gender are expected by the whole society to act in certain ways that harmonize with the characteristics.

Nowadays, people start realizing that gender norms do not define values of a person. A human has the right to feel accepted by being him or herself, even though it can be a different self compared to others. Many celebrities have raised their voices over this matter in order to create a revolution of breaking gender norms. They help us to redefine true beauty as something within our own unique self. This essay specifically draws attention to the act of redefining beauty by breaking gender norms attached to (young) women when looking at the video artifact (shown above) from Ruby Rose.

Ruby Rose is well known for her role, as a lesbian in a popular Netflix series called Orange is the New Black. After her performance in the show, Ruby Rose’s character (Stella Carlin) and herself have become a hit that spreads throughout not only Netflix community but also young community as a whole. Thus, she turns into an ideal model of a woman who is bold enough to break down gender norms and to live her life in the way that she has always wanted to live. The video named “Break free,” posted on Rose’s YouTube channel on July 14, 2014, contributes to this idea of coming out with true identity/gender to redefine beauty that goes against gender norms. Rose’s video is described as a “a short film about gender roles, trans, and what it is like to have an identity that deviates from the status quo.” In more details, this is a story of a transgender man played by Ruby Rose and his transformation from a woman to a man. Hence, it is clear that this video supports the idea that Butler claims in his work, “undoing gender.”. Indeed, Butler believes that gender and sex are two different things. Sex is biological and people are born with it. In contrast, gender is “a tool of our own making” (Butler 1). Everybody has the right to choose a gender, which suits them despite of the fact that it can be opposite to their sex.

Before explaining the idea, let’s look at the storyline of the video first. Contents of the video are divided into two main parts. The first part shows us how precisely gender norms toward women are portrayed in our society. The video starts with an action of Ruby Rose who is trying to put her feet into a pair of high heel boots. Her boots are covered in metallic gold material, which aims to emphasize the fanciness. Additionally, a burgundy clutch bag is set aside next to the boots. This adds up to the idea of glamour. When she picks up the clutch and opens it, the camera focuses on a lipstick that is placed inside the clutch. After that, Rose pulls out the red nail polish and repaints her nails. Then, she stands in front of a mirror in her room, brushing her long straight blonde hair, putting on mascara, and finally, reapplying lipstick as a finish touch to the makeup on her face. Furthermore, even though the camera does not focus on her clothing at this point, we can still see that Rose is wearing a cream body-con dress. Since the dress is very tight, it helps show off her curves and her cleavage.

Then comes the second part, this is when Rose is seen standing in front of a bathroom mirror while she is holding scissors in her hand. She decides to cut her hair short, shave the back of her head, and dye all her hair black. One of the most important moments in the video is Rose’s reaction when she sees her reflection inside the mirror after she changes her hair. Indeed, she has a big smile on her face, which isn’t shown anytime earlier in the video. After cutting her hair, Rose takes off the boots, removes the nail polish, and steps into a bathtub to wash away the body foundation/cream that she puts on earlier to cover her body tattoos. Eventually, Rose walks out of the bathtub and changes into man clothing pieces. In this moment, although the music is on top of the video, we are still able to read from looking at Rose’s mouth that he is repeating the phrase “Who the f*** are you looking at?” several times with bold attitude. Hence, it is clear that Ruby Rose is completely transformed from a pretty lady to a reckless good-looking young man at the end of the video.

There are many problems related to gender norms that the video tries to reveal. At the first half of the video, Ruby Rose’s character is constructing female gender norms, which are characteristics that our society commonly associates with women. Indeed, the fact that Rose has her high heels on, holds an expensive clutch, wears a tight short dress, and paints her nail red shows that she is a an ideal model of what is known to be a beautiful young lady. Moreover, she is white and she has blond hair. As a whole, this is a media ideal of what women should do (dress up and does makeup) that we are constantly exposed to everyday. In fact, these are some popular female gender norms because women are known for being a sexual object and/or object of beauty. A woman fits into the norms when she takes good care of her appearance in the way that makes men physically attractive to her. Indeed, according to an academic journal called “sexting, catcalls, and butt slaps: how gender stereotypes and perceived group norms predict sexualized behavior,” the most common gender norm in female is the sexualized gender stereotypes, which says “a women should strive to be pretty (at the expense of other traits), should seek and be flattered by the sexual attention of men, and should assume men are primarily interested in their bodies, and simultaneously” (Jewel, Brown 596). Additionally, it is a norm when many people start adopting the idea and believe it is true. Many images like the beautiful girl that Rose portrays at the first half are shown by the media. These girls are called the media ideal of beauty in women. It makes most women think that becoming a media ideal woman is a gender norm that they have to follow in order to have a good life. According to a study’s results on beauty standards of Northwestern University, “participants listed beliefs that they would be more socially competent, successful, and well-adjusted if they looked like a media ideal” (Engeln-Maddox 263). To be more specific, there are number of expectations are listed by (female) participants when they are asked why they want to look like the media ideal. The most popular expectations are romantic success (“more boys would find me attractive”), employment/economic success (“better chance at higher-ranking jobs”), and apparel (“I could wear clothing that I’ve only dreamed of wearing”) (Engeln-Maddox 262). These show that people are fed into the idea of what physical attractiveness is in specific ways. Furthermore, the dominant ideology shown here is that most women believe they can only accomplish better things in life when they possess characteristics associated with gender norms of female, including being pretty and being a sexual object.

Going against all the ideas of gender norms toward female, the second half of the video is a breakthrough. Indeed, the fact that Rose wipes off her makeup (both on her face and body), strips off her dress, cuts her hair, wrap cloths around her breasts, and throws some curse words shows that gender norms are not meant for everybody. Yes, it is clear that this beautiful woman is born as a female, but the fact that she chooses to be a male does not make this person less beautiful. In fact, it makes him even more beautiful, for he is happy when he can be himself. This creates a statement that attacks gender norms, which claims a person can be beautiful no matter which gender he or she has. Indeed, it is okay to be different because that is how contemporary beauty works. Beauty means to not force oneself to fit into any gender norm, but instead, to show off one’s own side of beauty even if it is entirely opposite to what it is used to be known. In the video, specifically, Rose’s transformation shows that his beauty does not lie in being a sexual object or being a pretty face. In contrast, his beauty is within her dope style with a black Hawaiian shirt, high-cut hairstyle, and a cigarette.

Overall, this idea sheds light to a marginalized group of young people, both males and females, who do not (want to) fit into the gender norms for they want to show off their own definition of beauty, based on their unique gender.

Works cited

"Break Free - Ruby Rose." YouTube. Ed. Phillip Lopez and Phoebe Dahl. YouTube, 14 July 2014. Web. 04 May 2017.

Butler, Judith. "Introduction: Acting in Concert." Undoing Gender. New York: Routledge, 2004. 1-4. Print.

Engeln-Maddox, Renee. "Buying a Beauty Standard or Dreaming of a New Life? Expectations Associated with Media Ideals." Psychology of Women Quarterly, vol. 30, no. 3, Sept. 2006, pp. 258-266. Web.

Jewell, Jennifer A. and Christia Spears Brown. "Sexting, Catcalls, and Butt Slaps: How Gender Stereotypes and Perceived Group Norms Predict Sexualized Behavior." Sex Roles, vol. 69, no. 11-12, Dec. 2013, pp. 594-604. Web.

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