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luiletulip · 6 years

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This is me.

The last movie I saw to end 2017 in the cinema was “Wonder”. The first movie I saw to start 2018 in the cinema was “The Greatest Showman”.

Both movies were amazing. Both movies left a very, very deep impact in my heart.

I’ve kept an eye on both of these titles for quite a while before they came to play in the movies, simply because I saw Daveed Diggs’s and Hugh Jackman’s posts regarding each movie on Instagram.

I am a very passionate fan of Hamilton: An American Musical as well as an extremely loyal fan of Marvel Comics, you see, so of course I was excited to see two of my favorite actors star in new movies.

Other than that, I only know that “Wonder” came from a book I was so intrigued by years before (but didn’t get to buy because I had so many books to read), and nothing on “The Greatest Showman”.

So the hype was (at that moment) purely because of Daveed and Hugh (total Hamiltrash and an absolute Marvelite, as earlier mentioned, but also because I simply love Hugh Jackman as a person because wow what an angel, and Daveed is the coolest).

My mom watched “Wonder” before I did, and she told me how amazing it was. I believed her because I knew Jacob Tremblay would be starring in it, and that child blew me away with his acting in “Room” (which was so powerful to me).

I did plan on watching it soon, but what made me want to watch it, even more, was because my mom said that a character in “Wonder” reminded her of me so much.

It was Via.

When I watched “Wonder”, I do feel like I understand Via in a sense that we are put in a similar situation in life, where we have to put so many others before ourselves, and at the end burn out because we forget to care for our own well-being.

However, I see Via as someone I want to be rather than who I already am as my mother told me. Via is kind, patient, sweet, and sincere . . . and I wish I was like her, I wish I could be like her.

Despite being in a similar situation like Via, I couldn’t be half as amazing as she is. I ended up adoring the character, as well as the rest of the family, to be honest.

I wanted to be genuine and happy like Nate, the father. I also want to be strong and hopeful like Izzy, the mom. Not to forget about the wise and caring Mr. Tushman. I love these characters, I love how real and fragile, but at the same time raw and powerful they are.

Most importantly, though, I want to be like Auggie most.

Starting the movie with thinking that “oh, where’s the character mom told me was a lot like me? Her? Via?” initially blinded me to who I really connected to.

Earlier I had typed that I want to be like Auggie most, and that is because more than Via, I see myself in Auggie.

Auggie was insecure, confused, and scared. Just like I was a few days ago.

Although my issue was not a matter of something physical, I had struggles that made me insecure, confused and scared to the core as well. So of course I relate with Auggie. Of course I cried seeing him cry. Of course I feel his pain; though not the same.

As the story progresses, I feel like I grew with Auggie. I, too, had lost hope by the last few days of 2017 despite starting off with so much optimism. But seeing Auggie take steps, baby steps, to start climbing his mountain of fear and uncertainty inspired me to stop wallowing in despair and open my eyes, get up, and take. a. step.

Something Via said to Auggie stayed in my heart,

“If they stare let them stare. You can’t blend in when you were born to stand out.”

And I’ve always known I was different from others, but I wanted to be like them. I wanted to blend in. I didn’t like standing out, I hated the spotlight. I wanted to just be in the shadows, in the backstage.

But maybe, just maybe, that’s not the place God wants me to be in.

I believe in His plans for me, or at least that’s what I’ve been telling myself. Did I really trust Him? Do I really believe Him? Why did I hate being myself so much? I see myself in the mirror and I didn’t like a single thing about me most times.

But now I know that was because I wasn’t being the person God had created me to be. I was trying to please everyone, everyone else but God Himself.

That took a toll on my own heart and soul. I wasn’t brave enough to be myself.

So seeing Auggie stand up against what society deems worthy and unworthy really opened my eyes. If a little boy in fifth grade can muster up courage that enormous, I can too.

The courage to take the first step is called acceptance.

Accepting myself in a sense of accepting my strengths and weaknesses, my struggles, and my dreams that make me me. I can only progress and develop myself after I accept myself first.

I have to know and be myself to be able to be a better, the best version of myself, and ultimately to be like Jesus as God wants us to be.

“Wonder” is a beautiful movie that helped me process all this. It will forever be one of my favorites, for sure.

Another beautiful quote from this beautiful movie that I hold dear in my heart,

“Be kind for everyone is fighting a hard battle. Be kind.”

And another, just because this quote confirms how Auggie and I are alike,

“Sometimes I think my head is so big because it is so full of dreams.”

Aww :)

Now, onto “The Greatest Showman”!

This movie is spectacular. The soundtrack, the dance numbers, the cinematography, the cuts and scenes, and everything. I love it, I really do. Two seconds into the movie and I was already sold.

First of all, though, I’d like to thank whoever put Hugh Jackman in a red tailcoat tuxedo with a tophat, a waistcoat, and rolled up sleeves. I am absolutely swooning in love.

Speaking of love.

To be honest, from the start of 2017 until it ended two days ago, somehow I gave up on having a love interest or love life. I’ve never really been a hopeless romantic (I don’t even like romantic drama movies, not my thing) so I never really know what to expect.

I do have my little wishes and all, but never really have a clue when it comes to relationships and crushes. Which was a bit weird because I absolutely adore boys, I grew up with them, I befriend them easily, etc.

Also maybe it’s because it’s been ages since I last had a love life. Ever since I’ve just been crushing on celebrities (/cough Hugh Jackman /cough) and fictional characters.

So in 2017, I gave up on love entirely, even asking my parents the dreaded “what if I don’t marry at all?” question despite my ultimate dream to be a wife and a mother growing up.

But yesterday I saw how pure and true the love PT and Charity shared.

Even when they had nothing and only had each other, that was more than enough for them. When they had each other, they had everything.

While I was watching them sing and dance on the rooftop, the thought that crossed my heart was, “Oh. I think I believe in love again.”

It was an odd thought/feeling, but I treasure it. It was nice to believe in love again, to hope for a love like theirs someday, maybe.

Thanks, PT and Charity.

And while we’re on the topic of Charity, she is most definitely a Proverbs 31 woman, the type of woman I aspire to be. She is loyal, content, peaceful, happy, supportive, and just downright amazing.

I pray and hope and will do my best to have her good qualities.

Anyway, this movie is filled with interesting characters with good qualities (and not to mention splendid songs too). And just like how I cried in “Wonder”, I cried in this movie, too.

The scene that takes the cake, however, was when they sang the song “This Is Me” because wow, I really felt like that song was written for and about me.

From verse one,

I am not a stranger to the dark

Hide away, they say

'Cause we don't want your broken parts

I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars

Run away, they say

No one'll love you as you are

To verse two,

Another round of bullets hits my skin

Well, fire away 'cause today

I won't let the shame sink in

We are bursting through the barricades

And reaching for the sun (we are warriors)

Yeah, that's what we've become

And to the chorus,

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

Gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out

I am brave, I am bruised

I am who I'm meant to be, this is me

Look out 'cause here I come

And I'm marching on to the beat I drum

I'm not scared to be seen

I make no apologies, this is me

If you see that I’ve made some of the lyrics bold, that is because those are the words that pierced my heart.

Why?

The night of December 31st, 2017, my family and I sat down to reflect and talk about our resolutions. I opened up to my aunt and uncle, as well as to my cousins about the issue I was struggling so much with.

I told them that I was ashamed of my brokenness, that I was scared that no one would love me if I be myself. But I decided that night, that no more.

No longer will I be afraid, no longer will I be ashamed, no longer will I be someone I’m not. I decided on the last day of 2017 that I will be the Luika that God created me to be.

And for that, I will be brave, because I know I’m not alone. My God is with me, and I draw my courage and my strength from Him. If He allows me to struggle with this issue, then I believe will all of my heart that He will give me the strength to overcome it.

I have a cousin who I admire so much because he is (and I use these exact words) unapologetically himself. I told him I want to be like that too.

So yes, I do feel like this song is meant for me. My name “Luika” itself means warrior.

I will fight my battles. They won’t be easy, but with Jesus on my side and The Holy Spirit in my heart, I know I’ll win the war with Him.

I have hope again.

And maybe, by the end of 2018, I’ll gather up the enormous courage I have obtained throughout the year to tell the world what I struggled with.

But as for now, I’m forever thankful to my Lord who gave me a chance to trust in Him again. This time, wholeheartedly.

2018 is going to be amazing, Lord. I’m sure!

Amen.

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