#the journey isn’t worth it if the destination is always hell and tsunamis and hurricanes and earthquakes

[bo0zey]

yeah bpd’s all fun n games until u end up ruining every single one of your closest most treasured friendships because no matter how much u think u love them and want to be their friend forever u still somehow find a way to fuck it all up and såbøtàgè everything for everyone and u did it to urself u hurt them and u pushed them all away and there’s no one else here now there’s a common denominator to it all the only one left to carry all the blame and it’s you because it’s you you you who’s to blame for the pain u spread and the relationships u lost because you pushed away every single person you wished would never let u go

#i never wanted anyone to miss me when i died i never wanted them to care and now i made sure no one ever will #because i’ve shown everyone i’ve ever loved that i’m not worth loving back. i’m worth leaving bc i’m toxic and evil and possessive and loud #i feel so purposeless. like it’s really all hopeless now i’ll never get better. i’m graduating college soon and i have 1 friend #1 friend who has so many others 1 friend who i hurt just like all the others 1 friend who will become 1 less very soon #i lose everyone i’ve ever loved because the closer they get to me the more they realize i’m not someone to get close to #i’m not a good person. i don’t have anything to offer anyone. i only hurt people in the end. #the journey isn’t worth it if the destination is always hell and tsunamis and hurricanes and earthquakes #i’m a walking natural disaster you never know when everything will suddenly turn to shit with me. #u cant appreciate the setting sun when ur buried 6 feet under the dirt. u can’t remember the warmth i gave when i left you with that cold #i’m the worst i’m the worst i can’t believe it’s all my fault i lost so many and they never want to be my friend again #my future is so bleak i’m going to work and die alone at age 27 by the latest and #i’m already thinking abt how no one is invited to my funeral i want to be burned and become a tree i don’t want to be mourned #don’t mourn the loss of someone that needed to be lost. don’t come to my funeral if ones even there #i’ll die alone and i’ll be incinerated alone in death just as i’d done to myself in life only this time no one will be near enough #near enough to get scorched by the flames with me #i want to write letters to the one i hurt the most and tell her how good she is and how i wish i could take back every cruel word i said #u never did anything mean or cruel to me i remember sitting in your freshman year dorm bed with you across from me #when you told me a secret you never told anyone else before . and i remember looking at you and feeling that surge of double sided heat #the heat of hatred for the ones that hurt you and the heat of passion and promise in my body to make sure to always protect you #i will never hurt you i will always make sure you can feel safe with me i’ll be here always when you need me i’ll protect you #i’ll never hurt you . because you’ve been hurt enough. you trusted me enough to tell me abt the thing that haunted u most #and the heat of hatred i felt for the one that hurt you suddenly came hurling back into my face and i #i despise myself even more for forgetting my promise to you that quiet day with the sun setting and your soft blankets & sweet scented room #you said i was your first friend at school and we were already months into the semester #i was scared of you at first but when we got close i wanted so badly for you to consider me as best of a friend as i considered you #i loved you and i hurt you and you told me it didn’t matter but it matters to me you don’t know the promises i made to you #you don’t know which promise i broke. that broken promise haunted me ever since i found out what had happened that night . #i felt guilty for being near you i didn’t understand why you’d sit next to me in my bed so close and watch that show with me i couldn’t #i hated myself for hurting u. i couldn’t be around u without choking on guilt. so i pushed u away to keep u safe. but that only hurt u more. #ramblings