#the fucking list im crynging

[petrichormore]

"average qsmp islander commits 10 crimes a month" factoid actualy just statistical error. average qsmp islander commits 0 crimes a month. BadBoyHalo, who never logs off and commits over 10,000 crimes each day, is an outlier adn should not have been counted

#the fucking list im crynging #qsmp #qsmp badboyhalo #it’s not even all of his crimes either those mfers just ran out of space #remember when he killed ElQ twice

[lapimpinelaescarlatta]

today has been a sad day in so many ways and fucking long

i felt tragic and useless and unloved and also i didnt do anything to solve it, like if friends talked to me i felt irritated and while i tried to keep it hide it, I mean i could just try to talk to them and let them cheer me up, i even kinda snapped a bit at a friend, because he always do the fucking same, like i ask somethin and he totally avoids it and just gives a speech about any other fucking thing and aswers something i asked or i talked like a day before, but this time there was a reason like the message didnt get send on time and i think my answers looked to harsh, but basically i asked kinda polite to everybody, let me alone.. but i dont even know if its what i want to be alone

i just dont wanna be judged and idk lectured

first: i cant stop tryng to do  the same 3 things at the same time ,and is not working,nothing gets done

second: the travel is streessing the fuck out of me specifically, the currency and the calculation of how much money i should give my friend because i dont have a debit card

third: people have asked me to hang out yestyerday and today, for people i mean the girls i met while working in a feminist theater festival, i kidna participated because i wanted to do  more things with women,evne if i knew there were mainly liberal feminists,and i mean till know it wasnt that bit of a separation but in the last 2 years i have seen more and more the NO SWERFS NO TERFS at every event, and this year i said no, to their invitations, i felt extremely unconfortable last year because of the reivindcation from friends of friends, and i knew this year it would be even worst, and i didnt want to feel like that again

im so glad i didnt go, is this weird feeling like being so alone while you are supposed to be surrounded by your people.. i mean i am a feminist and a fucking women, but just feel so defeated and like if i say wht i think they will eat me alive or they will not , but i ll became the terf the same that i became the prude  when i opposed other stuff, and i hated that some people will back me up in private but in public no one will say anything

I dont feel strong at all this last months i dont wanna be in the line i dont wanna be judged anymore i dont wanna feel that i have to defend myself

and im cryng again and i should be sleeping

so ill list the good things i did today

-laundry -again i did laundry yesterday but  is good i always have tones of dirty clothes

-i read some of george eliot book and IM LOVING IT it is really funny and witty a and it is  a fucking good edition , so eveyrthing is translated, and theres foot notes about the anglican church feuds and their divisions etc, it gets talked in the text  and i mean it fucking helps im also reading  nightforest and the edition doesnt even have footnotes for whole sentences in german or french , ugh

-i watched the ending of westworld

-i organized my room another time,still tones of work to do here anyway but something is somtehing

[hoetron]

okay christ i got tagged in htis massive tag game by @mothable but i love a good ol challenge lets do this buckfucks

RULES: ANSWER THESE 88, THEN TAG SOME PEOPLE

BASICS:

a. NAME AND PRONOUNS: Rae, she/her

b. AGE (and birthday!): 13, Aug 28th :3c im a fucking fetus ny’all

c. SEXUALITY: am i bi? am i lesbian? am i just craving existential death 24/7? i dont fucking know a thing my guy

d. GENDER: cis female hooooh

e. COUNTRY: AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE OI OI OI

f. FAVORITE AESTHETIC: pastel colours and really nice fashion i guess..??? (also smoking is kind of aesthetic eyes emoji eyes emoji)

TRIGGERS/MENTAL ILLNESSES: i’m not actually sure :x

THE LAST:

1. DRINK: salt water hah normal water is for the WEAK (dont drink salt water please im begging y

2. PHONE CALL: my brother asking what kind of pizza i wanted

3. TEXT MESSAGE: “:3c” im such a fufcking furry...fuckck,,,,

4. SONG YOU LISTENED TO: Daydream warriors by Aquors listen nyall im reconnecting with my hidden buried weebass side of me okay im crying

5. THE TIME YOU CRIED: i dont actually remember? probably like last year unless you count me having tears from laughing too hard as cryng then thats yesterday during the meme aka now called lightning mcqueen server

HAVE YOU:

6. DATED SOMEONE TWICE: nahh

7. KISSED SOMEONE AND REGRETTED IT: dont think ive ever kissed someone thats not my family before im #Pure

8. BEEN CHEATED ON: nope lmao

9. LOST SOMEONE SPECIAL: my grandfather i guess? but he died when i was really young so at that time i didnt really undersyand the feeling of loss and mourn so ksdjfk but we had some goodass memories together

10. BEEN DEPRESSED: they ask you how you are and you just have to say that you’re fine when you’re not really fine but you just cant get into it because they would never understa

11. GOTTEN DRUNK AND THROWN UP: im severely underaged please

TOP 3 FAVORITE COLORS

12. red

13. yellow

14. either black or lavendar,,

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. MADE NEW FRIENDS: yis

16. FALLEN OUT OF LOVE: ya,,

17. LAUGHED UNTIL YOU CRIED: okay im known as the most giggly person in class i laugh so easily that i easily have tears over everything

18. FOUND OUT SOMEONE WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU: nahh dont think i wanna know if its like in a bad way :x

19. MET SOMEONE WHO CHANGED YOU: aw y e s

20. FOUND OUT WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE: ya :,) (Thanks em, lily, mae and imogen for making this year truly greater than last year and for being the best friends i could ever ask for)

21. KISSED SOMEONE ON YOUR FACEBOOK LIST: facebook is dead to me

GENERAL

22. HOW MANY OF YOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDS DO YOU KNOW IN REAL LIFE: serious facebook is dead to me i roasted above the flames of negligence (also because i have like two facebook accounts one using my pesonal email and the other using my more general email , the one using my more general email keeps recommending to me my OWN personal account and its personally so hilarious)

23. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS: a cat called lucky! (i love him even though im p sure he hates me)

24. DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR NAME: i guess my irl name uhhh im 50-50 with it? but granted on the internet i waaay prefer using the name Rae over my irl one because its short and simple and nice-

25. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOU LAST BIRTHDAY: just want to a chinese resturant with my fam and my uncle because we’re simple that way and like. back then i didnt had that much friends so uh l m a o (but vidhi gave me a nerf gun so that was Really Cool and i love her)

26. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP TODAY: 9 oclocK BECAUSE A HOUSING AGENT WAS COMING OVER (but then i fell back to sleep and woke up at 12 so lmao)

27. WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT: watching a video on why ‘anime art isnt technically allowed in art school’ because i was just curious and then drawing 

28. NAME SOMETHING YOU CAN’T WAIT FOR: VOLTRON LEGENDARY FUCKNG DEFENDERS SEASON 3 SHIT BABES IM REA LLY FUCKING PREPARED AND NEAR END OF MONTH AVCON BECAUSE EYES EMOJI

29. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR MOM: an hour ago lmao shes like just outside my room 

30. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WISH YOU COULD CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE: sighs my shyness and social anxiety and awkwardness (all three of those are counted in a pack right? the pack of “socially inept” people)

31. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW: daydream warriors... by aquors..... (listen im RECONNECTING with my weeb side like said above im actually weeping)

32. HAVE YOU EVER TALKED TO A PERSON NAMED TOM: uh idk mate

33. SOMETHING THAT IS GETTING ON YOUR NERVES: i havent brushed my teeth yet but im lazy to move my legs lmao

LOST QUESTIONS

34. MOLE(S): um quite a lot like a few small ones on my arm and like one on my face below my right eye and theres one underneath my boob i think lmao tmi and the rest i cant be bothered to find

35. MARK(S): a kind of burnt scar mark on my left shoulder from like 6/7 years ago when i got too close to someone smoking and their cigarette burnt me oh and a scar on my knee from the time i fell off my bike while playing bike catching in the neighbourhood with a couple of other friends like 4 years ago?

36. CHILDHOOD DREAM: vet (now im eh about that tho im probably just going to pursue some art career)

37. HAIR COLOR: brown eyy

38. LONG OR SHORT HAIR: long

39. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE: yeah. hopefully its dying down now especially since the person is straight (its hard when she sits next to you in class and you guys are sort of friends now and u somehow feel really satisfied when you make her laugh :,) shit )

40. WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: im generally kind with people regardless of whether or not i dont like them or i dont know them well or i know them i guess? (at least in my group of friends im probably the most willing to socialise with others) and uhhhh i guess i can make people laugh? im a huge fucking loser meme nyall

41. PIERCINGS: none and personally dont really want to 

42. BLOODTYPE: shit  i think it was either a B or an O i cant remember (i think its B tho)

43. NICKNAME(S): maggie, migi, bela, bob, bobbo

44. RELATIONSHIP STATUS: single pringle 

45. ZODIAC: virgo

46. PRONOUNS: she/her (lmao yay for repeated question)

47. FAVORITE TV SHOW: fuckngin,,, voltron,,, (probably going to stay my favourite for a long while tho)

48. TATTOOS: none atm (unless you count waterbase tattos then yes stick all the water based tattos on me) but like when im Much Older maybe? just a really small tattoo tho not anything big that covers an entire limb

49. RIGHT OR LEFT HAND: right

50. SURGERY: had a surgery on my foot forgot which side when i was in kindergarten because the skin was *censored for tmi* and yah stitching up your skin fucking hurt babes

51. HAIR DYED A DIFFERENT COLOR: nahhh i dont think id dye my hair tho who knows

52. SPORT: im probably going to retake up basketball again eyes emoji eyes emoji

53. VACATION: ooMMF nothing planned so far

54. PAIR OF TRAINERS: like uhhh what kind of sneakers?? just normal canvas sneakers i guess????? im, what.

MORE GENERAL

55. EATING: OXYGEn

56. DRINKING: IN OXYGEN

57. I’M ABOUT TO: complete this fucking 88  questions then chat on discord and scroll tumblr and tell myself “hey finish up your art!” but then 5 hours later im still scrolling tumblr. oh and im watching wonder woman later so :3c

58. WAITING FOR: nothing atm i guess?

59. WANT: my family’s financial situation to be solved and so that money isnt going to be a huge bother anymore...

60. GET MARRIED: sounds nice but probably only marriage idk the idea of kids doesnt really sound v appealing atm

61. CAREER: artist! (i wanna either work in a game development team or an animation studio eyes emoji ) 

62. HUGS OR KISSES: HUGS

63. LIPS OR EYES: lips erally nice to draw really nice to look at

64. SHORTER OR TALLER: buhhh im short so i guess taller would be nice (tall people have such nice legs too im frankly a little jealous)

65. OLDER OR YOUNGER: what is this in regards to

66. NICE ARMS OR NICE STOMACH: arms so that dO YOU SEE THESE GUNS

67. SENSITIVE OR LOUD: shrug emoji idk man

68. HOOK UP OR RELATIONSHIP: relationship

69. TROUBLEMAKER OR HESITANT: troublemaker pardnyars in crime amirite

HAVE YOUR EVER:

70. KISSED A STRANGER: no

71. DRANK HARD LIQUOR: nope 

72. LOST GLASSES/CONTACT LENSES: yeah p sure i had to go through a whole day of school half blind once without my glasses

73. TURNED SOMEONE DOWN: nah..

74. SEX ON THE FIRST DATE: nO IM 1 3 

75. BROKEN SOMEONE’S HEART: dont think so?

76. HAD YOUR HEART BROKEN: nah babes

77. BEEN ARRESTED: nah

78. CRIED WHEN SOMEONE DIED: somehow when someone dies i decide to laugh instead of breaking down in tears i guess laugh away the pain?

79. FALLEN FOR A FRIEND: ...shit its a bad idea babes dont do it

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

80. YOURSELF: shrug emoji

81. MIRACLES: sometimes? sometimes no?

82. LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: even bigger shrug emoji

83. SANTA CLAUS: nah lmao listen i caught my father and mother wheeling in bicycles for my sister and i when i was like what 8? usually i just played along because hey i was a child

84. KISS ON THE FIRST DATE: ehh depends i guess

85. ANGELS: not really lmao

OTHER

86. CURRENT BEST FRIENDS NAME(S): Emily, Mae Shuen and Lily

87. EYECOLOR: dark brown?

88. FAVORITE MOVIE: this changes all the time

only tagging uhhh @pluminkdot (KASJD I FORGOT IF YOU HAD A MAIN REBLOG ACC IM SORRY RACH), @jaspereffect , @blabrabs / @spaceboomerang (it isnt letting me tag ur main boomers skldfjksd) and uh im too lazy for the rest

#raedy to talk shit #mattie #mothable #w e eps #this took fucking forever babes #LONG POST

[ayearofwhatever]

Letter 1/?

Oct 5/2018

10:04pm Day 4.

Dear C,

I don't know what Im doing. We were supposed to exchange our shit tonight but your train gets in late and you have an assignment due so youre dropping it off tomorrow morning. I can't stop cryng because you wont see me, because I wanted to talk tonight I don't know about what I wanted to bring up the fact that K likes someone else and she still wants to be with her boyfriend, and wants to work on it but I know you'll say [the breakup] is about finding yourself and being single.

My eyelash extensions look like shit.

Everything hurts, there's a pit in my chest. fuck me I was happy man. I keep saying it but I don't think you get how big a deal it is that I pictured a future for us, that I had a plan. i’ve never done that, I can't even picture friends in the long term. But I did for you. I dont make plans because I hate thinking about the future but I did for you.

Idk what to say next - how you and my girlfriend ex girlfriend are two separate people [in my head] or how I can't to talk to you. The latter it is. You were my girlfriend and my best friend for a year and how were just ‘friends’. you have no obligations to me anymore - no obligation to reply to my text, to care about my feelings, to have any interest in my life. And it fucking hurts. Every “Read at…”, every “okay” reminds me of that and i cant help but fucking sob until i feel the pit in my chest grow larger and larger

Idk if its because I haven't seen you in person yet but the uncaring, deadpan voice that told me they wanted to break up and my girlfriend are two separate entities. I think its because of the reasons in the previous paragraph but idk. Or maybe because when I see something you'd like or a meme I want to send you or a post relating to a conversation i realize that I can't get it for you or send it to you because youre not my girlfriend. A really bad one was a post about this bougie Camper thing and I wanted to say 'me camping' but we're never going camping again so why does it matter

I think people (R & k) Judge me for saying want to get back together but I don't because the girl I want to have a life with would never break my heart into a billion and 6 different pieces ( thats not how you spell pieces)[sad lauren is fucking illiterate]. I want a second chance [to do this again]when youre ready to be done, because I want nothing to do with anything associated with this pain. I honestly think youre the love of my life or one of the loves of my life or maybe the love of my life but not the love for my life. *or maybe youre just my first love and first heartbreak idk shit.* Realistically I know we're probably not gonna get back together and its gonna break my heart the day i have to give up that last bit of hope.

i miss you so much, just thinking about it hurts. About how youre literally 15 min. away but it doesnt matter. An epiphany I had today as that we'll never hangout again, we can't hangout alone and we don't really have mutual friends.

I wrote a list for myself for thursday when I was supposed to go up to [your town] and drop off your stuff. One of the points was “dont be a weak bitch and let her see you cry” another one was “if she wants to get back together tell her to go fuck herself and dip and she can mail your shit to you” its stupid because even when I wanted to fuckng kill you I still hoped you wanted to get back together

The One thought that won't leave me the fuck alone is “I wanted so much more for us” I dont even know what I mean. But everytime I think it, it breaks me.

I think I had something else to say but I forget and im tired and sore. I want to do a letter to you every week but idk I never stick to shit. Hopefully you'll read these one day when were comfortable and happy. Or maybe I'll give them to you when what last piece of hope is gone to hurt you. Or maybe Ill burn them

I think this is Cathartic.

Goodnight, I still love you.

L

#The letters #letter 1 #heartbreak #hurt