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themysterioussilence · 4 years

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A letter to myself: post-break up.

It’s been two days since you officially broken up with your ex. The first man you really loved. The first man you had a serious relationship with. The first man you would consider having future with.

It hurts you a lot. The break up. The thought of not being able to hear his voices and see his faces whenever he wakes up, do nothing, be there with him in a call, play games, listen to him talking, talk to him before he goes to sleep and all the memories and risk you had taken just to meet him at somewhere you never thought you’d go at this age. It was crazy for me to do all of these, just because of love.

The relationship wasn’t perfect. You’ve had a lot of arguments and fights. You had fun together. You had plans together. You strived to grow together. But it has come to a point where you realized that you need to respect yourself.

Throughout the relationship, you have always been insecure. Your insecurities mostly dominate your feelings even though sometimes you reassure yourself and him that it is okay, and that is all my issue I need to fix. Which is true. The insecurity comes from myself, either it’s about my self esteem or the attachment issue I had when I was a kid, or it could be both. Not to mention, that communication is not your forte. In the beginning of the relationship, you were not very communicative, you were not open to sharing your problems etc with him. It took you few months or even several months to open up your feelings and trust him. And even after a year, you still found it hard to talk about your problem or even days because of trust issue and unwillingness to be open. When that happens, it is obvious that my ego must have been activated. Most of the problems surfaced because of ego, because I really want to protect myself from getting hurt.

The reason why you made your decision to break up is because you’ve had enough of not having self-respect for yourself. He hurt you in a way that your trust was broken because of what he’s done. He still seeks and needs validation from people, especially girls which at first when I knew about that, I was fine with it and tried to understand his need but only if he could keep his boundaries and not cross the line. I trusted him. I respected his needs and let him get what he needs. I’m not gonna lie that it hurts that he still needs that and wish that the only validation he needs from is from me. But I know I can’t be selfish for wanting his eyes on me only, I couldnt change that.

Three days ago, he asked me if he ever made my heart flutter. The next thing I know, he started telling me about how one of the girls he met and be friends online did make his heart flutter when she told him that she liked him as a person. Up until then, it was okay because okay he does have a good personality. But what he did next was the deal breaker for you, he told the girl that he might have a little crush on her. That shit hurt a lot. Hearing that from someone who keeps on telling you that he loves me, and know that it’s gonna hurt me, broke me down.

We talked about what does cheating mean for each other, and I specifically told him that if you treat other people the same way you treat me romantically. And if you act on your feelings. I’m aware that we can be attracted to people while in a relationship, but acting on your feelings? That shit is a choice. A choice. His justification was he wanted to face his feelings and get over it once he expressed it, and he was relieved when he found out that the girl does not like him back that way. Which I couldnt care less. I couldnt care less about how he feels about the girl not liking him that way. That made me question what would happen if the girl really liked him in that way? He said that he would cut the contact but I find it hard to believe. He might do that but he might be feeling so validated and might not stop think about it. Anyway, this doesnt matter.

After hearing all that, I started to question myself if I’m not good enough for him. Why did he need to do that? Why until that extent? What is it about me that is not satisfying for him? I thought it through and came to conclusion that it was an opening for cheating. He valued his self gratification need wanting validations so much to the point he put our relationship at risk. I can accept him who he is but I find it hard to accept what he has done. Actions speak louder. I decided to respect myself and save myself from getting hurt again in the future.

Although he made a bad choice, I am grateful that he chose to be truthful and open to me for what he has done. That’s one thing that I respect. It wouldve been worse if he kept this from me. He’s a very communicative person, and that I really admire. He has a lot fo great quality as a person, as a man, but I can’t just overlook what he has done especially when it involves my self worth and risk my self to keep on disrespecting myself.

I truly believe that if it’s meant to be, it will come around. Maybe now isn’t the right time for both of us to be together. He and I have things we need to improve on. I hadnt’ been a perfect partner: jealousy, communication issue, trust issue and so on. I learnt a lot from this relationship and from him. He taught me a lof things and from him, i discovered a lot about myself, him, other people and aspects in life. It wasn’t a shame. It was great moments.

I don’t have regrets in dating him. i don’t regret taking risk for him. For us. I don’t regret exposing myself in a situation where I could get hurt; a relationship. I don’t have regrets at all. I do admit that it’s a shame that we broke up, and there’s still part of me regrets that, but I know in the future I wont regret it.

To be honest, you actually feel more relieved. Throughout the relationship, knowing his validation makes you feel like you are holding him back because it seems that he needs exploration and validations for himself. I’m proud of myself for being able to stand up and realize that I need to respect myself. If anything, this break up proved to you that you do value yourself more than other people. You have self worth.

Another perspective to see, that I can’t just be holding onto moments I’ve had with him. that would just haunt me and punishing myself, and makes it hard for me to let it go and move on. I have to embrace the moments and acknowledge that I had those moments with him. Those moments were my experiences. It made me who I am now and in the future. It’s one of the moments where one day you’ll look back and can laugh, cherish and say to myself: I was young, and hungry for experiences and I was in love. Those were not nothing, that was partially what made me who I am. No regrets at all. <3

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considerdaydreaming · 3 years

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Update

February 16th 2021.

First of all, I usually start with the time so it’s 22:18. Second, i still cannot beleive we are still in a pandemic.

It’s crazy because i looked back a bit and i saw about when I posted that it had been 46 days since the beginning of this mess and now it’s about to be a year since COVID hit in a couple weeks. I think we are trending in a good direction now because of the vaccine but it’s been a rollercoaster ride with good news one week then bad news the next, so I’m not holding my breath this time.

Anyways, back to the juicy stuff, of course your girl’s love life. I just wanted to take a moment to be honest with myself since it’s been a while since I took the time to sit down and really think about everything. So, here I go. Here is a real and true update from the oast year or so. Here is my story.

//// TW: SEXUAL ASSAULT ////

So I met this guy at my work that I REALLY was not interested in. I did not find him attractive and I was not emotionally available since my ex was a prick and he fucked me up big time. Anyways a colleague of mines had mentioned him to me a couple times but I had brushed it off because, once again, I was not interested. Anyways one day, another (different) colleague of mines and I were having a conversation and then he was on the other side of our cubicle and started asking us about our nationalities and we told him to guess and made a whole game about it. It was fun, not going to lie. So from there we started talking and we were just friends. This went on for a couple months or so until he started coming to see me everyday at my desk and I was like oh fuck oh no this guy is catching feels, you know? But i wasnt sure so i just continued to be chill because he was a chill guy but i just wasnt into relationships at that point in my life.

Anyways, the day rolls around where he finally asks me on a date and i was like nah fam im not down and i dont date my coworkers (BIG NO NO IN MY BOOK). So he was dissapointed but i knew he was not going to give up. But he was a chill guy so i didnt want to be a bitch to him just because i was broken. So I told him that i didnt know him well enough, which was true and maybe if i did then i would reconsider. So he really started putting more effort at that point, I think. I just remember seeing him more and more at work and i remember he used to put on so much perfume it would make me nauseous 😭😭😭 i was low key getting annoyed! But he was a nice guy and i didn’t get any creepy vibes from him and not gonna lie, there were a couple other guys that i was flirting with at the office and i kinda liked all of them for different reasons 😅 but i wasnt hiding anything from anyone and i was always honest so they low key knew what was up 😆 ANYWAYS i wasn’t shutting him down completely for some reason because there was just something about him that made me feel some type of way. You could say that I wanted to keep him in my arsenal 😂 anywho, i forgot what happened but i think one day i just said fuck it and i decided to accept his request to go on a date. The date itself went great and we talked a lot. We spoke about everything and nothing and we had a good time, even though we had a lot of differences, we also had the same point of view on a lot of things. At the end, i dropped him at the metro and tell me how this guy forced a kiss on me???? (That’s sexual assault no matter what you say, just to be clear) so after he kissed me he left and i was shook and i felt disgusted to be honest. I was shook because the date went so well up until that moment . Like that date wouldve been the best i had ever went on until that moment. I was devastated. Anyways I still did not cut him off, but I was very close. I think i was supposed to text him but i just didnt. I might’ve had another date that time as well or something, that period is a bit of a blur now. BUT i remember that i had to shake it off for some reason, so i did. The next time I saw him, i told him it was a no for me for all the reasons which were in the differences we had discussed and that he just didn’t fit the profile. I didn’t mention that what he did was very instrusive and assault because i didn’t want to have that conversation, it was just too much. So he was pretty defensive about that part and i figured he would just take the hit and move on. It took a while and then he finally did. We didnt speak for like 6 or 7 months and then we changed office locations and then on top of that, the pandemic hit so we were all sent to work from home and etc, etc. At some point, in Quebec, everything opened up a bit for the summer and so things were very briefly “back to normal” so we were allowed to return to the office on some days or some shit like that i dont remember .

We found ourselves in the office and we just so happened to cross paths again and he started to talk to me again and he told me to text him to continue the conversation because his break was done because he has been thinking about me and blah blah blah and i thought i had deleted his number, but it turns out i didnt but anyways the conversation we had following him thinking i deleted his number really made me laugh and it made me want to talk to him more. So Around may 2020 he reached out and we started to talk again and then he asked me out on a walk to talk some more. So i went and he was really adamant about finding out what went wrong between us because apparently this is something he was losing sleep over 😂 (now that i know him well enough i realize he is just dramatic 😂) so i told him what was up and how he sexually assaulted me by forcing himself on me by kissing me without my consent and when i tell you he was shook! We spoke about it some more and i explained to him how i felt and he explained to me how he felt and he apologized and when i saw his genuine regret, i knew that he was a good guy and i forgave him. He had a lot of explaining to do and a lot to do to make up for what he did. He did just that. We went on ther dates and spoke and got to know each other more and eventually we began dating.

Now that’s my boo bear and i know that this guy wouldn’t hurt a fly, he just daydreams a lot and sometimes he creates scenarios in his head that are not at all what reality is (pisces rising) 😂 a sensitive dreamer, although he will never admit it!

Anyways all this story to say that I really fell in love with this guy and im shooketh. Like I’m picturing spending the rest of my life with with and im seeing myself marrying him and having his kids????? After 7 months?????!!! Like that’s wild! Is it because of the saviour conplex? I dont know but he’s special that’s for sure. I’ve never been loved the way he loves me and I’ve never been treated the way he treats me. I never have to ask for something twice. Even if he doesn’t want to do it, he will do it for me. He deals with my moodiness and puts me in my place when I’m being disrespectful. He isn’t afraid to tell me like it is and tell me when im wrong. Like he is really everything i wanted. I think i can trust him but im still recovering and working on that and he knows and doesn’t judge me or rush me. He is just always there, like my anchor, like my home base. He gives me the time and space i need and he is always there when i need him close. Always waiting and always trying to understand me rather than attack or criticize me. I love him, i love him, i love him. Sometimes, i wonder if i really deserve this type of love. Sometimes when i say things i don’t mean, he hugs me and gives me love instead of raising his hand or yelling or breaking things, which i realize , i had normalized in past relationships. The way he loves me is pure and genuine and i feel so comfortable around him, as if I knew him in another life. I was really broken when i met him and i honestly feel like he found some of the pieces that i was missing and helped me glue them back together. I really thought i had lost those pieces for good but they just needed to be found again by anither pair of eyes. Dont get it twisted though, i did most of the picking up and gluing but the found some really important pieces, not gonna lie.

All this to say that i healed, I thought about myself and got to know myself then i found a true and genuine love that is so different from what i have ever experienced and im here for it. I dont know what else is to come, but maybe the next time I write, i might just be wife 😌

Until next time,

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rainyygirll · 6 years

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i’ve been up for days thinking about you.

It’s almost 3 am, but I can’t sleep and I have things that need to be said. I can’t keep focusing on what I say is going to react with you, or how you may feel afterwards. If I have learned anything in the past year, its that I need to worry about myself - because at any point, any one you love could turn on you and betray you. While I am not steering myself clear of any past crimes, I will admit I have not only wronged you, but me and us. I know at this point, I’m not owed anything but have you truly, truuuly pictured yourself in my shoes? Here I am, with an ex girlfriend, that I really did consider a best friend, that I don’t want to lose, and him- honestly the purest thing in the world. To this day, I have never felt something as calming as his little hand touch.. and then there was you. I’ve said this before, but you were the tallest sunflower in my field. You were everything I was looking for, even in ways I didn’t realize I was searching for. When I had your attention, I really felt like the single most important human being in the world. Which is crazy to envision, right? All the billions of people in the world - and your glance is the one that stops everything. Everything you texted me, made me fucking smile so insanely big.. (yes even with my lips, you made me smile.) I swear I will always remember the first time you came into my work and I hid in the back like a child because the butterflies I felt from just knowing we were in the same place was tbh ridiculous. The point I’m trying to get across here is, I have adored you from the very beginning. The. Very. Beginning. I have thought you were my greatest gifts, I have KNOWN that I needed you to be mine. Fuck, once we moved into the house I remember jumping up at EVERY car that came down my street because I hoped it was you. I didn’t want things to go down the way they did, but I couldn’t lose him. I hope that you can look back and understand that part at least. And then things switched up - and we weren’t us anymore. There was no more: “don’t go” or “you make it so hard to get out of bed in the morning” And wow let me tell you, that hurts. We both fucked up and things weren’t the same. Then things got to the point where I actually could not handle it anymore. They’re gone, and you are still here but not looking back for me. This is my lowest level in my life so far. Part of you, no them, tbh i feel like i lost me. I can’t handle my stress and the fact that my life is falling apart around me, barely any family, my friends are pretty much useless at this point. I appreciate what you did, when you could. You became more distant, not responding to my “when can I see you?” While I’m here, in my bedroom, not wanting to leave because what if you wanna come over, what if she wanna call me just to hear my voice? I had to be around for that. But honestly, it never came. And here we are - I don’t know how you feel, I don’t know if youre telling the truth or not. I don’t know anything

While you remember all the bad about me, please try to remember the good. The times I’d hold you while you hysterically cried - constantly reassuring you and talking with you just to distract you.. no matter how long it took, Please remember how it felt to be held whenever you wanted, for as long as you wanted. I hope you liked waking up next to my sleepy face as much as I liked waking up to yours. I hope you remember how good my thigh felt on your hand while you drove. I really hope you do. I hope you find someone who is as patient with you as I was, who took your sass on your worst days and showed you love. I hope you end up with someone who fucking loved you the way i did.

Unfortunately, I am leaving this broken & bruised. But I am already so proud of myself. In the midst of alllll of this, I had one major breakdown. I’m sorry for the things I said when I was suicidal. I wish you wouldve known the old me - youd be so shocked to hear I’ve only had one breakdown from this. I have realized that I literally will not survive unless I do this for myself. I need to pick myself back up, and be okay with the fact that sometimes I’ll be all alone, and you won’t. If you can’t love me for all that I am, and grow and learn with me..

Because if we aren’t growing up together and building a future, then what are we doing? This was an always & forever thing for me, and I’m truly sorry to say the feelings were not mutual.

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