#the coolest Skrull who isn't super

[thebibliomancer]

Essential Avengers: Avengers #260: Assault on Sanctuary II

October, 1985

ASSAULT ON SANCTUARY! Featuring the stunning secret of NEBULA!

Is her stunning secret that she’s a face floating in space?

That reminds me of another space face. He used to own a spaceship... Thanos, that's it!

Yeah, being a space face is pretty popular. You don’t need to keep it a secret, Nebula. People will understand.

Anyway, Secret Wars II.

It just feels like recently that I was killing myself trying to summarize Secret Wars I. And West Coast Avengers is starting up this same month and doing a crossover with the new Vision and Scarlet Witch limited series.

I can’t do it. I can’t cover Secret Wars II. Its just too much happening right at this moment in comics. I have to cut corners somewhere and somewhere is Secret Wars II.

I’ll explain what needs to be explained as it becomes relevant and hope that's not too often.

The intention was good, the execution was evil.

Much like the Beyonder himself, ZING.

Anyway. Avengers.

Last time on Avengers: Vision sent Captain Marvel out to check on Sanctuary II so she wouldn’t get in the way of his world takeover plan but its fine because the Avengers managed to talk him out of it. Except the very same time Monica is checking the Sanctuary II, some mercenaries working for Nebula come to steal the ship and steal Monica too. Through shenanigans, Monica ended up teaming up with a Skrull armada and trying to stop Nebula from inserting herself in the massive ongoing Skrull civil war that resulted from Galactus eating their homeworld and the entire ruling class.

Funny thing I just remembered, the Skrull queen actually survived that. But she just sat back and let the empire collapse into infighting rather than do anything. Ah, retcons.

Anyway, the Avengers come looking for Monica and decide to help General Zedrao stop Nebula. Even though neither Skrulls nor Avengers like each other. Nebula sure brings people together.

Another fun trivia, General Zerao is maybe the least asshole Skrull. He’s the Skrull who came to Captain Mar-Vell’s death bed and presented him the Skrull Royal Medal of Valor because dammit they were enemies but he respected him.

Its a shame he doesn’t get much use outside of the Death of Captain Marvel GN and this arc.

The issue starts in earnest with Firelord ditching the Avengers because he refuses to team up with the Skrulls.

Firelord: “No longer will I aid Earth’s Avengers! What they asked of me was unspeakable!”

Dude, you’re the one who insisted on tagging along in the first place.

Cap(tain America) even points out that fate gives you strange allies, pointing out that Firelord once worked as Galactus’ herald, a guy defined by serving up entire populations to the slaughter.

Firelord: “I served Galactus because I had sworn to do so! I’ll swear no such oath to help a Skrull!”

Granted, he has a reason to distrust the Skrull military. They’ve ravaged thousands of worlds and kept trying to conquer Firelord’s home planet of Xandar.

Huh, Xandar! That’s where the Nova Corp is from, right?

I wonder how they’re doing lately.

So about the same as usual, huh?

I looked up Xandar on Marvel wiki and almost its entire page is various times it got destroyed. And when I read Annihilation I thought the Nova Corp getting wiped out was unprecedented but nope this happens to them all the time.

You see how Xandar is a goofy bunch of domes connected by tubes?

That’s because of a previous time they were destroyed!

Zorr the Conqueror almost completely destroyed the planet but Uatu the Watcher saved it. Despite Xandar not only not being the planet he’s assigned to but in a completely different galaxy. He’s the worst at not interfering.

He also helped them make the domed tubed thing out of chunks of the planet.

Anyway, Nebula destroyed Xandar this time because it was in the way. Its not like space is mostly empty and she could have gone around, geez.

And as a last thought on this matter: Queen Adora looks like a She-Ra character, even putting aside that her name is Adora.

Anyway, back over at the Skrull armada, featuring General Zedrao.

Thanks to sci-fi sensors, the aramda has found “Nebula’s ship” although Starfox interjects that its not her ship dammit, she stole it!

Buddy, possession is 9/10s of the law and I don’t think Thanos’ possessions fall under probate.

To his crew’s alarm, General Zedrao is going to take the Avengers’ suggestion and give Nebula a chance to surrender.

But as he says, a full battle between the Skrull armada and Nebula’s mercenary army could mean a lot of lost Skrull lives. Not that he expects her to surrender but you gotta try.

Geez, Zedrao really is the best Skrull! I can’t believe he just disappears after this arc!

Where was he during Empyre?

Although if I’m honest. He likely died by the time of the Annihilation Wave. Either in the civil warring among the disintegrating Skrull empire or when Annihilus rolled over what remained of the Skrull empire.

Alas.

Meanwhile, over at the Sanctuary II and the motley armada that Nebula has assembled, Skunge the Troll is manning the sci-fi sensors to make sure the “prune-skinned pervos” don’t sneak up on them.

What he gets instead is a small capsule.

Over in the Sanctuary II, Nebula is sifting through the data in the computer systems marveling at Thanos’ wicked genius and hoping to finally grow to know him better.

She’s interrupted by Levan and Skung regarding that small capsule which pops open by itself to display a recorded message from General Zedrao and Captain Marvel calling for Nebula’s surrender.

A request she’s not keen on.

Nebula launches her fleet but the Skrull armada was ready for her not to surrender. The armada and Starfox’s dad’s ship come out of subspace and immediately start attacking Nebula’s ships.

And the Avengers are helping too.

Wasp: “Never thought I’d wind up as a tail-gunner on a Skrull saucer, but least with these blasters -- I can get better results than I could with my Wasp’s sting!”

As she blows up some enemy ships.

So add that to the grand do superheroes kill argument. In war, the Wasp certainly will.

Hercules drops out of one of the Skrull saucers onto one of the enemy ships and starts to tear it apart.

Hercules: “Now shall the son of Zeus test these mercenaries’ mettle... aye, and their metal, as well!”

Har har.

Hercules is also another in the long proud tradition of superpowered characters who go out into space with just their normal clothes and a glass bowl over their heads.

While the Skrull armada and Starfox’s dad’s ship and the Avengers keep Nebula’s forces busy, Captain Marvel goes to do her job of cutting through Sanctuary II’s defense.

Except she bounces right off the shields.

She figures that the defenses were on stand-by back in issue #255 and so easier to slip through. She’ll just try harder then.

In the same battle, Black Knight is scooting around on his atomic steed.

I can’t believe that he brought it with him on the Quinjet and then on Starfox’s dad’s ship but I’m glad he did.

This is what I expect from someone with a knight aesthetic. Leaning into the aesthetic against all reason.

Even though he could easily man some guns like Wasp, he’s flying around on a mechanical steed he found in the backroom and decided to restore and then brought to space with him. He’s flying around with it hitting things with his super cursed super sharp sword.

Dane, you nerd.

Also, apparently his armor IS AIRTIGHT ENOUGH TO FUNCTION AS A SPACESUIT because all he has is the glass bowl over his head!

Absurd.

On the topic of superheroes killing, Black Knight slices open the belly of a ship like its an AT-AT and he’s Luke and the rupture sucks dozens of the crew out into space.

They’re said to be wearing spacesuits but still.

Did Dane know that ahead of time? Probably not.

War situation.

The battle is going pretty okay for the Skrulls+Avengers but theres still hundreds of Nebula’s ships left and the armada is suffering heavy damage.

And the battle won’t truly end until the Sanctuary II is captured.

There’s some good and bad news on that front.

Bad news, at peak power Captain Marvel can’t easily get through the shields and Nebula is keeping them at peak power because she’s aware now how powerful Monica is.

Good news, Sanctuary II’s heavy offensive weapons can’t be used when the shields are up.

Further news, Firelord has just rageunquit the plot and came screaming back into relevance, blasting the shields with the power cosmic of a small star.

At risk of the shields failing under that, Levan orders for the small hot spot that is Firelord to be hit with all the “trans-shield power” that can be spared.

Which apparently makes the energy shields into reactive energy shields. The shield blasts back at Firelord, sending him into a nearby moon.

Moons always manage to be there to catch you when you’re sent hurtling through space.

Hercules joins Black Knight on his Scooty Puff Jr Atomic Steed and they discuss how Firelord entered and then exited the battle in a big hurry. Hercules concludes that dude can take care of himself.

Back over in the approximate location where the Sanctuary II is, Captain Marvel has turned into a MASSIVE electromagnetic storm miles in diameter to attack the entire shield at once.

If you’ve ever wondered how powerful Captain Monica Marvel is, the answer is very.

And also yes.

She manages to overload the defense shields by basically brute forcing them and the shields blow in a massive burst of energy.

Even given how very and yes powerful Monica is, she has to take a breather after that and speculates that the feat used up a few pounds of mass.

Uh. Since she turns into energy and I guess expended some energy?

Eesh, I didn’t know that her powers had that kind of drawback. But its still pretty impressive considering what a few pounds of meat mass equates to in terms of pyrotechnics.

They are in no way equal amounts of energy!

Monica pops over to the Skrull saucer Wasp is in to inform her about the shields down/needing a breather thing and Wasp spreads it to the rest of the armada on a hilarious giant headset.

2021 is laughing at your advanced technology, Skrulls of 1985.

Anyway, Monica taking down the shields also blew out all the main guns on the Sanctuary II. Again: very impressive. So Levan and some mooks are trying to get the auxillary blasters set up when the wall blows in and...

Holy shit is that Thanos?

Teaming up with the Avengers?

Usually to get such an unlikely team-up, you’d need to read Infinity Gauntlet but only the last bit.

Anyway, no, of course not.

Why the hell would Thanos suddenly show up in this book without any setup and then join the Avengers?

But if for a second you forgot that there were hundreds of Skrulls in this book, you might have fallen for it.

Also, why would Hercules use a sci-fi gun instead of just punching things? This isn’t the era where he uses a big gun! You had me going for a second, this comic, but I’m too wily and too have read the next couple pages for you!

Anyway, some of the mooks surrender and “Thanos” is going to do them a die anyway but Captain America talks him down saying that the Avengers promised mercy to all who surrendered. When “Thanos” says he’s not an Avenger, Cap switches gears to ‘yeah but these men aren’t worth the effort how about that?’

And “Thanos” relents.

Relents and drops the disguise. He and the rest of the non-Cap “Avengers.”

They were alllllll Skrulls. Using shapeshifting for psychological warfare. Because if you have a Skrull story and don’t use their shapeshifting at least once, are you telling a Skrull story?

That’s a question to hold onto, for reasons.

Meanwhile, over on that moon Firelord crashed into, the Beyonder.

Yes, the Beyonder.

The one from Secret Wars. The god-like being who was an entire universe who visited the Marvel universe to make the action fighters bonk off of each other. And then had his power stolen by Doom. But got it back and vanished.

Because this is part of Secret Wars II, Beyonder Boogaloo.

The short synopsis of which is that the Beyonder comes to Earth and just hangs around, learning different life lessons and interacting with different parts of the Marvel universe.

For some reason, he’s looking for the Avengers right now. And Firelord tells him that they’re over trying to capture Nebula’s ship.

(Faint sound of offended Starfox in the distance, I imagine)

The Beyonder asks if capturing the ship is important and Firelord says whats important is taking care of Nebula.

Firelord: “Were it... in my power... I would hurl her from this very galaxy!”

And then he passes out.

The thing about the Beyonder, and what makes Secret Wars II have a faint shimmer of a good idea at its core, is that the Beyonder has basically zero life experience aside from Secret Wars I and whatever he’s managed to absorb in the Secret Wars II issues and tie-ins up until this point. Which may or may not include how to poop.

Like the cave under that tree in Dabogah, all you get out of the Beyonder is what you put in.

So the Beyonder takes what Firelord says extremely literally.

Beyonder: “If the Avengers are so involved in eliminating this ‘Nebula’ person, perhaps I can help. From what I’ve observed of such humans -- they seem to effect a special form of garb for their battles. I suppose if I’m going to assist them, I should do the same.”

Oh my god.

That is.

A look.

He looks like if Stryfe realized spikes were a workplace hazard but still wanted massive shoulders.

Samus Aran would blush.

Anyway, aboard the Sanctuary II, the Avengers and Skrulls beat up just hordes of mooks. Dozens. Scores. Maybe even a gross.

Hercules even gets to do that classic thing where he punches one guy and knocks down a column of guys because they were standing in line.

Nebula decides that when you reach the point where a bunch of superheroes are punching people aboard your ship, you should get out while the getting out is good.

She has a keen understanding that her troops are the mookiest mooks to ever goon. They’re just fodder to make the superheroes look cool as they plow through them. Once her ship was boarded, its abandon ship time.

So she gets the big not-Ben Grimm orange guy Kehl to help her load some essential canisters aboard an escape ship but he suddenly starts laughing at nothing in particular.

Gasp!

The calling card of Starfox!

The man himself swoops down and disarms Nebula and then claims the ship, the whole entire ship.

Starfox: “You’re finished Nebula! I claim Sanctuary II by right of blood... it was built by my brother!”

Yeah but he was a criminal who did all kinds of war crimes. What the hell is space law like that you can just go ‘my weapon of mass destruction now!’

And if you could, why did you leave it adrift for so long? That’s just asking for squatters.

But Nebula has a perfect counter to Starfox’s ridiculous claim.

Nebula: “Imbecile! I have as much right to this ship as you! It was built by my grandfather!”

DUN DUN DUN!

Or a soap opera sting. You know the one.

Starfox is left stunned by this sudden claim of kinship and is even more stunned when Gunthar mindcrushes Starfox.

Nebula calls Starfox an uncle but. He’d be a great uncle, right?

Anyway, before Nebula can get Kehl to finish off Starfox, the Beyonder shows up.

And Nebula’s response kills me.

She’s had a very aggravating, confusing day.

When Gunthar says Nebula’s name, the Beyonder is like ah cool and blasts her whole group. And the canisters. And the escape ship.

Starfox: “Who the *#%$ are you? And what have you done with Nebula?!?”

Wow, I thinks this is the most non-composed we’ve ever seen this space dude.

Beyonder: “I am from Beyond! As for Nebula and the others... why, they’ve been removed from this galaxy! Isn’t that what you wanted?”

Starfox: “NO!! Are you insane?!?”

Beyonder: “I don’t believe so... but I am confused. The flaming man said -- !”

Starfox: “Flaming... Firelord? Did he put you up to this? Of all the -- I don’t know which one of you is the bigger idiot!”

Hahahahah!

Secret Wars II may be a mess. May be. I certainly don’t have the energy to try to read the whole thing any time soon. But something like this is great.

The Beyonder is like ‘Beyonder do good?’ and Starfox is like ‘NO, NO YOU DID NOT.’

Priceless.

Like I said. All you get out of him is what you put in. Firelord said he wanted to hurl her from the galaxy so the Beyonder went and did that for him.

Does it matter that he helped Nebula escape when the Avengers were about to show up and capture her?

Look, he was given a simple directive and he did that.

Beyonder: “I came here to help. I thought you wanted to be rid of Nebula!”

Captain Marvel: “We wanted to capture her! We wanted to make her pay for what she’s done! For someone who came to help, you’ve sure made a mess of things!”

Beyonder: “I - I didn’t know. There are so many people... so many ways of speaking... so much to decode before there can be understanding. It is clear that I must experience much more before I can totally understand.”

Then the Beyonder teleports away.

That’s probably fine. How much trouble can he get into? Like. On a scale of breaking mom’s fine china to destroying the universe.

-looks ahead- Really? On the destroying the universe side of the scale? Welp.

Notably, nobody present has any idea that was the Beyonder.

Cap(tain America) begins to wonder after being told the guy said he was from beyond. But when the Beyonder showed up in Secret Wars II #1, he took on a form that was a composite of people that were in Secret Wars 1.

Also, that thing about an airline wanting money from Cap? That was from an event that happened in Secret Wars II #1. He used his Avengers priority card to divert a plane from England to LA.

Anyway, Starfox is more concerned with Nebula and whether her claim to be Thanos’ granddaughter is true.

Because that would change... something? Would he stop trying to bring her to justice? Explain yourself, Starfox!

Hopefully he will in Avengers Annual #14 because this is one of those story arcs that continues into an annual. But hopefully not two of them like the Celestial Madonna Saga.

Follow @essential-avengers​ because you want to know the truth about Nebula and think that she’ll be in the annual. She doesn’t. Like and reblog because you respect my honesty.

#avengers #essential avengers #Nebula #and her crafty crew #the Wasp #Captain America #Captain Marvel #Monica Rambeau #Black Knight #Hercules #Firelord #Starfox #a bunch of Skrulls #General Zedrao #the coolest Skrull who isn't super #essential marvel liveblogging #the Beyonder #Secret Wars II #sigh