#the amount of text fuckery I did in the middle of the night here

[smalldeerofmine]

I've heard Lord Airavis gave this book a scathing one star review. It's going to be the talk of the Bloom!

#the amount of text fuckery I did in the middle of the night here #then I realized that on covers like this the text never makes any sense it just looks fancy #dimension 20 #a court of fey and flowers #book cover #.art #digital art #digital illustration #cover illustration #illustration #acofaf #fanart #d20

[elizabethrobertajones]

14x01 watching notes

RIP Kip, we hardly knew ye.

Well hey, returning friends and people who unwittingly clicked on this not knowing exactly what they're in for. Blowing off the dust and starting a new season of Dabb fuckery, which I spent way too long trying to think of a portmanteau for when I already have the episode downloaded

It's 5am, let's DO THIS.

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So they start with Dean's Hi I Am A Cop On The Day Before I Retire speech re: hula girls and hawaiian t-shirts which is remarkably prescient of me to have been irrationally upset about that one detail after I binged most of season 13 last night to get me back in the mood. So now I have to elaborate on my one line textpost >.>

Because yes, that is the perfect note to start the season on: Dean thought the good times had rolled, allowed himself to hope, assembled himself a family with mom and step-pop (Bobby counts as a full father but AU Bobby is step-pop), brother, husband, kid... Said kid was promising A World Without Monsters aka Dabb's showrunning tagline for an endgame he teases them. And Lucifer was tucked safely away in an AU with the murderous Michael... And then in a series of events it all came crumbling down and with this amount of goodness in his grasp, he gave up what even when the real Michael was hounding him for it, he couldn't before.

Because in season 13 it is beyond obvious that Dean is tired, an Old Hunter, the best of his game but ready to bow out on that note, and yet for him it's not a matter of stepping back and letting someone else handle it because when Michael and Lucifer were involved, it was beyond personal. He and Sam only EXIST because Lucifer and realMichael wanted them to. And so there was no way this trouble would come to someone else's door, when it was the nasty angel on his shoulder and the devil on Sam's and we have Nougat as their collective responsibility who's the nexus of it all anyway.

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Eeee the Road So Far text is glowy grace colour on a dark blue background. I'm JIZED for the title card.

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Goodness, the Road So Far is a weird journey because we see Jack being all useful and magic and then callbacks to 13x01 and 2 where he was a messed up 2 day old and Dean just wanted to murder him.

I haven't outlined any expectations for this episode or even this recap but I suddenly realise that I should probably be wondering how much DeanCas we're gonna get in it, and this rage against Jack is subtextually motivated, for sure, but for me the first 6 episodes of Dean's grief arc were wonderful character stuff but removed from the main plot and therefore in my head I keep boxing them off like a bubble season, like 10x01-3 are, and I legit wasn't even expecting to SEE content from them in the recap, because brilliant as they are I sort of just forgot they were a part of this season despite watching them yesterday. The season for me became so much the Jack And Mary Search that this hiccup at the start didn't meet the requirements to be in season 13 :P

They're just That Time Dean Was Really Sad About Cas Then He Came Back And They Were Cowboys

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Oh good there was "everybody we've lost" and then a recap of Cas dying and then - oh, we're recapping plot again? Er... everybody? Dean? Who else? DEAN?

this was the thinly veiled subtext of that line anyway since Dean waved off Mary and made it all about Cas anyways but. Yikes, editing team.

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Jesus I watched season 13 yesterday and I forgot about Asmodeus. You know what, this is pre-coffee AND the 2 types of anti-brain fog medication I gobble in the morning.

But he's that much of a useless lump

Also too much Lucifer nipple on screen pre-coffee. Ick.

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Nice recapping of Not The Levitating Fight.

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NOW

Stock photo Nyoom of the season!! Hi Baby! You aren't in this episode because Eugenie said the car wasn't being used this season

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Sam's got his Vengeance Eyes on but he's all scruffy and grown up so I trust him 10000% to get the job done.

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OW. FUCK. OW. OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. GOOD USE OF INTERSTITIAL MUSIC

Why were you even listening to Dean's tapes if they fuck you up that badly? IS THIS YOUR VENGEANCE PLAYLIST? I'VE BEEN WAITING 10 YEARS

Actually, I haven't, I binged 4-5-6 as one unit after thinking the show was cancelled during the writers' strike but the point is that Sam and his ipod in 4x01 is immediately in my head because he was listening to his own music and being a hipster douche, but now he is not on demon blood he has not installed an ipod dock because he's GETTING DEAN BACK, DAMMIT but at the same time he's also realising that this means a heavy toll that the only driving music in the car is Dean's stuff...

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Oh no, this must be the guy from the SDCC clip we hadn't seen because Osric Chau is banned forever for illegally uploading them all for us in the past, and all I know is that Deanchael is going to Fuck Him Up and I feel very bad for him

*raises my mug to Osric* I'm sure you tried, dude. And thanks for the previous years.

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Hi Deanchael. I noticed in a promo pic that his tie has that sacred geometry type pattern on it which is a detail I made a mental note to type out literally anywhere in the like month between there and here and did not so here it is at a hopefully appropriate place.

Based on every other scene setting detail I suspect that this faithful man is actually still within the USA because this is literally the cabin set they re-use for everything. The spoilers made it sound like Deanchael was globe trotting to raise his army but now I see what's around us... Yeah no he's as focused on the US as every other big bad before.

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Anyway they really specifically chose this prayer to Allah because of how pointed it was about being only for Allah and how he was the best, so I'm assuming Deanchael is here to be like yo God's gone and I'm your last chance of faith

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Like just ruin his day and he got up at like 4am or whatever the first prayer is to do it and all

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I hope, like, no offence to any Muslim viewers or anything >.> They sure play fast and loose with a lot of this stuff because Christian cultures are full of bitter non-believers raised in the culture and looking to kick up at the big guy in the sky, which is not an impression I get that Islam is as used to cultural flippancy, regardless of personal beliefs of residents of predominately Muslim countries and cultures. I'm not 100% sure though, because the closest link I've got is my raised-Christian Iranian friend who applies Christian eye-rolling to the issues with being in Iran and heathen so I still get that perspective of middle fingers up at Organised Religion from our discussions about it all... anyway big diversion, still waiting for coffee to kick in :P I just swallowed the last of it so I can only get more jittery from here on out!

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It's so fuckin weird to see Dean's face confidently reciting verse in Arabic

I mean you don't need the hat, sir. I get it. It's not you in there.

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Well so far anyway he's playing on the fact that the guy does pray to god and his angels.

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Lol @ this man guessing his way through God AND Gabe to Deanchael's annoyance that he's the 3rd guess and he has to clarify that he's the better one.

Man, Gabriel worked on his reputation. I wouldn't have been able to tell you who Michael was because there wasn't even a kid in my class with that name when I was age 4 busy portraying Gabriel in a nativity play with full impish glee that the real deal would have been proud of.

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Uhoh things aren't looking good for Jamil D: Asking for peace and love is good, you funky little hippy.

Is Deanchael implying that the Syria insurgency is the route to peace? I honestly don't know enough about the American foreign policy politics to know what sort of stance this is though from a liberal leaning show (I mean come on Bobo is a card-carrying socialist, I've seen it on Twitter :P), though to an outside viewer well aware of how fucked up it all is should this have been said on a British program, this is a vast over-simplification.

But we know Michael's main traits are Likes War and then also Warmonger and of course, spoilin' for a fight. So this may be a personal judgement and as much as they're bringing politics into their show I'm just backing right on out and going with this :P That he thinks it is more honourable to stay and fight and that Jamil is a hypocrite for not sticking around to work for peace actively.

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Oh Jamil hooked up with a woman called Darleen. He is FOR SURE in America.

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It's so funny to me that Deanchael can fly anywhere and they could have set this anywhere but it still ends up being a wooden cabin in the US. This has to turn out to be a lead to follow with a news report about the poor guy or else this is just hysterical that they couldn't be arsed to mock up even a hint of another country :P

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He knew all this about Jamil beforehand so I have to assume he's really just here to drag him.

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Man, that throw was GOOD. I'm assuming they either spent all summer playing with wires and stunts or else they've gone back to the drawing board on all this flinging people around business.

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"A better world" oh we are so on for this World Without Monsters malarky still. This lines up with the clip from Dean they opened on so well - the dark irony of he and Michael working on the same project but from different angles. Dean wants to sort out monsters and bad things so he can go on a beach, aka his version of paradise, and Mikey wants to smush all the sinners, and clean up the planet, which is HIS version of paradise.

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HECKIN GOOD TITLE CARD

now photoshop those wings on everyone

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I LIKE SCRUFFY BULLET MAKER FROM THE AU.

He's like so happy to be in a world where you just casually have resources.

Meanwhile poor Maggie has become the de facto nurse and hates it.

Ugh the Bunker is a place where people just show up who yell "Soup's on!"

In my redshirt betting pool, Soups On is the first guy who dies.

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Promo sceeeeene

I'm so happy Sam and Mary are doing this together. Last season Sam was so upset that Dean got to have a relationship with her, and he had missed out, but without Dean around - no offence to him - Sam and Mary may be focused on FINDING him but this is the work they also need to do for their relationship to start to ground it in something real. It's taken this long with all the separations, but remember that Mary also worked through some of her issues about Sam only last season in the AU with 6 month old Jack. And if she needed that sort of reminder and relationship to warm her up for Sam, her suddenly-grown 6 month old, then there were still a LOT of underlying issues that dated back to the start for her to overcome. Hopefully this puts them on a level playing field, though there's a new conflict brewing for them, with Mary's determined optimism vs Sam's pessimism, born of that depression from last season that never really got treated or resolved, they just managed to power past its current main triggers. Of course now it all just shifts in a Deanward direction.

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I love how Ketch has been punted to London, at Buckleming discretion to drag him back. This wasn't even Bobo punting him out the door, and he and Buckleming have a violent back and forth over favourite characters, started in 9x06 with Bobo's very first episode when he banished Professor Morrison forever.

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MARY TRIES MOMMING SAM TO GO TO BED

THEN SCRUFFY GUN GUY IS LIKE "CHIEF"

Chieeeeeeef.

Sam runs the shooow here and I love it. He's their badass MoL hunter leader, a scruffy saviour from another world.

Given Sam is wearing the same shirt and jacket in the promo pics I'm guessing he does not sleep, though I hope he gets to eat the soup.

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"Maggie can you hack the traffic cams?" "um. no."

I love and support Maggie. She is a normal person who happened to live in apocalypse world and she just wants to flirt with the guy from the Gas n Go who probably hasn't talked to her since that got blown up and Jack attacked him over her... I mean, this is better than the AU world but maybe she just wants to be normal? Did anyone ask Maggie what she wanted??

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SAM. You can eat your soup and run things at the same time! Get back here and eat that soup!

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"yes sir"

Goodness, this is wonderful. Sam's doing what he was born to do, and then not because that was leading a friggin demon army, but then yes because he's got inherent leadership traits that he defers to Dean all the time because, well, he's there, and he's big bro.

Look, sometimes you need big bro to murder Satan's ass for you forever, but you also should be calling the shots. There's a balance here, where Dean can be the older brother, but Sam can be the boss. Work/life balance. Dean's got your back but you command an army of hunters, like we've all been salivating over since like season 8 when they first said the MoL ran the Bunker as the hub of operations dictating stuff to trusted hunters and the like.

Of course, if Sam is the Bobby here, then who is the AUBobby? I hope we see what's up with that soon, I've been wanting them to bristle those beards in an alpha way at each other for months, because AUBobby was their leader before Sam because Sir Chief.

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"Sam."

"i'm good"

*mothering intensifies*

"i'm GOOD"

*mothering intensifies*

"How's Jack"

You aren't used to being mothered and it's murdering me completely to my soul. Dean's got SO MUCH MOTHERING all through the show compared to you. He even sees Jody as a mom friend while you crush on her like crazy so you haven't even got that!!!!

Because Chief Sam is the boss of this lot but at the SAME TIME he's getting all these soft tender mom moments he's never got to have before. It's a wonderful balance of nuances to his current life. He's overworked but surrounded by a supportive care team that respects him, gives him soup, and holds his hand, literally in Mary's case. And yet he's the scruffy macho competent boss who knows how to call all these shots, deputise, set up missions, but still knows more than them, how to do traffic cams, I'm sure years of lore over most of these hunters who only learned to deal with what got thrown at them in the apocalypse by trial and error because when do they get lore books? Mary and Bobby and other pre-apocalypse hunters would be few and far between to offer competent training to a populace suddenly all turned hunter.

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Oh, AUBobby is beating up Jack. Perfect.

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AAAH DIRECTED BY TJW

WAS NOT ADEQUATELY HOLDING ONTO SEAT

WARN A GIRL

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I love finally seeing the training room but I'm deeply conscious that this is where Put Up Your Dukes starts and I can't get that fan fic out my mind so I'm just like, Jack, don't lie on the floor, your dads have banged there.

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I'm so happy that AUBobby is nurturing a grandson, because this is the difference between him and Bobby - that our Bobby had that with Sam n Dean, but AUBobby never did. Though he DID have Mary Campbell to crush on, I doubt it would have softened him and rounded out the harsh places in his soul the same way raising Sam and Dean did, because he had an unrequited love and she hadn't gotten over John, while this recently widowed Mary Winchester actually has made better progress just because of the circumstances of the loss. Anyways Jack has no preexisting history with Bobby so there's nothing weird about him and AUBobby stepping into a nurturing relationship, that Sam n Dean would find uncomfortable in a way, given their relationship with Bobby. And Jack gets yet another strong figure to teach and guide him.

AUBobby looks slim and stands tall compared to Bobby, which I'm largely putting down to posture, and not being drowned in layers. I like this difference - Bobby almost never voluntarily dressed in 1 layer, but AUBobby has a more military slant, and this training sergeant routine with Jack is a good fit to show a difference in his character, that isn't surly old Bobby behind his desk, that he's involved in teaching Jack to fight, rather than helping hunters with lore and swigging whiskey.

I'd assume given the lack of availability in his AU, he's considerably less alcohol dependant, so this is a very different character thing. If Bobby were doing this training, and nothing else was different, he'd be taking a breather to pour them both a whiskey as he imparts wisdom.

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Demon in nice shoes and dark sunglasses at night to indicate that yes I am a demon I have black eyes :P I assume this is a demon anyway not just because of this detail but pre-season spoilers

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Ah hearing Cas's name is enough to make my heart pick up. MY GUY!

But then, "Castiel, darling"

Stop trying to make Good Omens happen, it's not going to happen. You can't just "darling" up to an angel and expect that good good romance. Crowley took years to wear Cas down and Cas never actually LIKED him, down to their last real interaction where Cas was just "WTF???? LEAVE ME TO ROT AND DIE" when Crowley saved him in 12x12

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God I miss that

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"Oh god."

Same, buddy.

You do, however, realise this is your first words of the season gifset line, though?

Someone ought to write to Dabb and inform him that people make first and last word gifsets and to be more careful.

Especially if in the last episode at the end of the season, Cas's last word is "Dean"

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Anyway Cas has said 1 line and I can tell he's on top form. Unlike 10x01 he's in a hipster hogroast joint.

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This demon, with dark black sunglasses inside at night (douchebag) just ordered a coffee, black. WE GET IT, ENOBY DEMENTIA DARKNESS RAVEN WAY, YOU ARE GOFFIC AND IT'S AS BLACK AS YOUR SOUL

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LOL Cas is sitting under the JACK'S sign.

Demon douche sits under Schultz, which is the death beer. And lemme tell you, TJW is well-versed in this. So well-versed in it he's sat Cas in front of a classic El Sol flyer with the subtle touch required to tell Dean that Cas is his dream girl. He knows his shit.

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This seriously seems to be implying that the rise of hipster food joints is an effort from Hell to spread chaos on earth

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Cas sitting with his back to the fire is such an interesting visual, but this is just a note to self for later to guess what it all means

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THIS FUCKIN DEMON TOOK  HIS BLACK SUNGLASSES OFF TO SHOW OFF HIS BLACK EYES

Dabb is so good at incidental characters, and making me hate this guy for nuanced nonsensical reasons is amazing. This is... art...

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This is a callback to 5x08 and Dean ranting about hating procedural cop shows then him and sam taking their sunglasses on and off at night every time they made  a pun and I'm 100% convinced since 12x01 and Cas busting through that Mystery Spot sign that Gabriel has been subtly influencing events

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Okay so we know exactly what is written on demon bathroom walls. I'm taking that as a sideways confirmation that Cain knew full well that Dean had his Colette because he'd seen crude doodles of them doing it

Anyway douchedemon just outright told Cas that all the demons assume he and Dean in particular are banging. Not that Cas bangs Winchesters, as some have implied, without knowing all the details. They've narrowed this info down.

I assume this is also in the Winchester Dossier that Barthamus studied from before meeting them. I love that demons probably do have a filing cabinet somewhere of all the notable assholes they run into in their work, and the Winchesters take up a whole cabinent, but the refresher file summarising them in a paragraph if you don't have time is like, Sam: Lazy boyking, will stab you. Dean: fucking Castiel, will stab you.

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Cas doesn't even move an eyebrow. Incredible.

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Cas rarely gets hit with these compared to Dean in the history of the show, and Dean is full of bluster or anger or confusion or alarmed eyebrows. Cas is like... no. fuck you. i'm party!Cas, I have my shit in order.

Though this is from a demon. It's an entirely different thing when Heaven is involved, as they also have their dossier on the winchesters.

Sam: abomination. will banish you. Dean: fucking Castiel. Will stab you.

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*loud coffee slurp* "what's in it for moi?

Cas, stab him. Stab him now. This is not worth the information. You can find another guy.

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I'm starting to think Cas with his back to the flames is his unwitting danger from this hellish hogroast place.

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They use Shultz beer containers to hold the sauces and menus on the table. DEEEEATH

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Cas speaking slower and threatening to burn him to ash "right here and right now"

this is a gifset that will get a lot of notes from thirsty Cas fans

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Whaaaaaaaa the entire joint turned out to be owned by and filled with demons who would ever have guessed based on one open fire and that metal hogs head from the promo pics :P

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Stop hurting him!!!! Misha can't stage fight! This is really unfair!!

I wonder how the poor new awesome fight coordinator took to Misha

"let's just... um..." "hide him behind all these demons?" TJW suggests The fight guy nods sadly.

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Aww Sister Jo got back to work. Good for her.

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Sister Jo has no fear and can stroll down a shady alley counting her money

*t-shirt meme* One fear: *flappy wing noises*

"Hey Jo."

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GHOLY SHIT TRUE FORMS TYHUEOJDSHGFSH DS TRUE FORMS WE SEE WHAT ANGELS SEEE OH MY GOD OH MY GOD SCIENCE HAS CAUGH T UP TO THE DIVINE, SPN CAN FINALL Y SHOW US WHAT ANGELS SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

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Holy shit I want the gif of this as my blog header. That's shitting amazing.

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Burning HALO

ALL HIS CHI POINTS LIT UP EVEN WHEN IT MAKES IT LOOK SILLY TO HAVE HIS CALVES GLOWING

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I wonder if this is what Danneel sees when she looks at Jensen all the time

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"Why would he say yes to you?"

"Love"

I'm dying and I am dead. I gather that Dean is 100% absent from this episode, but that one comment puts him front and centre and I am in paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain. Everything happening around Michael and because of Michael is because Dean loves his peeps. From Sam staying up hacking traffic cams on vampires to Cas getting his ass handed to him by demons.

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I bet Cas looks like that single glowstick he had on in the cave when angels look at him.

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Party!Cas

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I ruined the fun

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Jensen gently touches Danneel's face and that's just rude because that's all his tenderness for his wife being turned into a scary villain move between Deanchael and Jo. Don't do this to them!!!

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Oooof Deanchael pulls from Dean's memory of Anael about what she was like, describing her in the most Cas-like terms, then cuts through her hilarious bull about wanting handbags (this is so meta about sticking middle fingers in the faces of people who think she's a well-paid beard) and then starts telling her she wants love and a family.

Deanchael has used the word "love" twice in a scene and it's horrifying to see the word come out of his face, when Dean is so guarded. Now Deanchael is just looking through Sister Jo and analysing what she wants - and she's playing this game very well but this move of his might still beat her. Because ow. Telling her she wants belonging and family. When she's very much established as a Cas mirror by the reminder she ran away from Heaven and doesn't want to play by their rules.

"It's very, very human of you. And so disappointing." Did all those times Lucifer sucked her grace bring her close to feeling it? To the point of permanent damage? I only ask because I know another guy this might apply to.

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I wonder how much Deanchael is projecting based on conjectures because he knows Cas through Dean's eyes.

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"But if they're all these sad, lost, fallen things..." Ya, that's Cas too for suresies

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SAM AND JACK SAM AND JACK

Jack sitting quietly in meditation, clearly unsettled. A parallel to 13x23 when Dean came rushing in to him having a nightmare, now Sam is having a crack at parenting the boy.

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Jack lying about how things were fine. Nougat. Hon. You're human now. But not that good at being human. Sam knows your tells :P

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Sam interrupted mid pep-talk by Mary with some nonsense.

Jack is always so ugh... accepting and kinda flippant. He knows parental figures can be disappointing and get dragged away mid peptalk by some business.

Which he's apparently not involved in. I guess after we see him going on hunts with them in 13x23, he's grounded until he goes through basic training so not only is he useless to help with his powers to find Dean, but he can't even do the easy hunter stuff because he's just a kid.

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Aww my poor baby Nougat :( He's so angsty. He's a TEEN. Lookit him! All growed up!

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Uuugh I guess this is Nick. "I didn't talk to him. I can barely look at him."

What I'm getting from this sequence mainly is the sound of Triss's rage at the Bunker layout.

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*Mary pats Sam's shoulder supportively and walks off*

You're on your own, Chief.

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Ugh I am not ready for this bull if it's Nick but I have to keep watching to be sure :P

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Ew it is. EW. What does Mark P HAVE on you all.

At least TJW is shooting the heck out of this to show us how gross Sam finds this all.

Sam's shadow falling over Nick.

I really want to know how this bullshit happened. And yet. No, not really.

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Oh gross AND they're making Mark P take off his shirt. The nipple I didn't want to see in the Road So Far was not warning enough.

Pre-season ugh speculation was that whatever Crowley did to Nick made him stronger and more permanent apparently even than Lucifer being stabbed out of him.

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So yeah anyway I guess Jack is in part also sulking about this and I'm with him, because Sam being pulled away from their pep talk time to deal with Gross Man Associated With My Father But Not Actually Him Because Biologically I Am The Son Of A Non-Historical President...

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Making Sam the one who has to care for Nick is utterly cruel. He has so many deputies. Maybe this is just his personal fear that Nick's still a bit Lucifery. Maybe he just sees this as a gross burden, a manifestation of the ongoing trauma from Lucifer, that even when he's dead he lingers.

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Plus, it's giving us some reassurance that an angel can be ousted from a vessel without killing them, to throw some options into the Deanchael pot.

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Still. Nick. Really.

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I bet Jack is sulking because some little cosmic part of him regenerating deep down in his core, that one lil gold glowy chi point in his big toe, knows that Eugenie forgot his name at SDCC and called him "Nick" and this shit from your creator just weighs on you. Jack is an entity beyond Buckleming and yet born from them, and this is what they beget: forgetting their own child in favour of this old carcass.

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bitter? moi? *sips coffee noisily*

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Actually, that's not true but I need some tea because I'm sulky so I'm taking this ragebreak to go make some and then I will sip it noisily in Nick's direction. :P

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Everything henceforth is under the jurisdiction of hot drink no.2

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"I don't understand how Lucifer could die and I could live"

I hate you

Eurgh, I bet you anything Dabb pulled a Buckleming and just took the post-it note they gave him when he asked, er, HOW does this happen? and transliterated it into dialogue because 1: all the writers shade Buckleming all the time because I can literally see it ooze out of Perez and Yockey and Bobo's writing but this is the showrunner, guyses. 2: it's such a dumbass convoluted explanation that it only burns out the archangel but if you non-fatally stab it then the guy is fine.

Which begs the question of how the fuck is Gabriel because if we get anything good from this, that fucker is in one hell of an interesting vessel situation compared to Old Nick.

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PS: I am not sure how culturally saturated this is so we are all clear that Old Nick is a historically used name for Satan and his name has been a joke since 5x01 thanks to Kripke, and now we have to actually deal with that.

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And then Nick is actually sympathetic to how Sam feels looking at him. I guess Mark P really wants us to feel sympathetic to his new dude.

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"And Michael... did he tell Lucifer anything about his plan?"

Listen, we NEED acknowledgement that for a month or so Lucifer and AUMichael roadtripped together to assemble from their AU the key of solomon, the fruit of the tree of life, and the blood of a most holy man.

There was a lengthy downtime while people settled in and Dean was allowed to think the Good Times were rolling, and all that time, the weirdest brother roadtrip show ever was going on in the AU, mad enough that I would actually find it hilarious to watch despite enduring Mark P as a result of it.

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SAM DOES NOT DESERVE THIS

He's not allowed to rest, ever.

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I bet this is douchdemon phoning him from Cas's phone.

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"Hello Sam!" says a perky voice down the phone. It's INCREDIBLE how unlikeable this demon is making himself. He's actually my favourite character now.

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Oh no, Nougat is wearing a different grey shirt. He's really depressed. Someone help him.

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"He just told you he was a demon?" "he seemed proud of it too"

Sam hates him as well. I can't wait for Sam to come scowl at him.

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"What do we do?" Maggie asks, completely wide-eyed. Oh honey. Poor, innocent, sheltered Maggie. What were you doing all apocalypse until we caught up with you? You aren't hardened, you're adorable.

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AUBobby and Rufus (his gun)

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"I'm coming too!" YAY JACK. Your father is in trouble, he's on a hunting trip and he hasn't been home in a few days, but what a different world all the rest is

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"I'm not as strong, but I can help," he says, looking tiny beside Sam, bruised up from AUBobby's training, a single layer to make him look even smaller...

(we do not talk enough about how all these jackets are a sort of alpha being shoulder plumping thing like when you make yourself look huge to scare off a mountain lion but that's 100% what this is)

IT MADE JACK SMILE yey he's allowed to feel useful! Pop is allowing him to go on a mission to rescue Dad who was looking for Papa when this all went down.

Grandpapa is not so pleased, because AUBobby has been measuring how useful Jack is and I feel like lil Nougat bab is going to do something mildly heroic for Cas or else get pasted for his ongoing character development for the season...

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"He needs this, Bobby."

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Dear LORD does he not quit? We don't even know his name? "Are you sure I can't get you anything... hot... or black?" FUck OFF

No wonder by the promo pic Cas looked so utterly done. This is exhaustingly annoying for him. Cas's personal hell is just irritating people. A line of Crowleys and Lucifers and this jerkwad chattering at him.

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And yet Dean runs his mouth all the time and Cas is in luuuurve

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Oh lordy are we really doing this coffee metaphor now? "Coffee has no effect on me" (but he once acquired the taste, and it was a core part of him being human and learning to human in the opening shot of 9x06 for him as his metaphor for how he was learning)

"me either *sluuuurp* not any more. But it's like saltwater taffy or infants. I just like the taste."

-

"I'm just being a good host like mother would have wanted"

Cas stops mid eyeroll to eyeroll HARDER at meeting ANOTHER demon with mommy issues. Like, please. Don't. I like Rowena now but can we NOT.

-

Party!Cas of Dabb era is my favourite iteration of Cas by a country mile.

-

"Why are you using me as bait?" "it's kind of what you're for"

Oh Cas. Now he's just the damsel in distress, which I guess is a step up from being an attack dog, but still isn't that great for the ego stroking about his role and use within the Winchester family, an ongoing source of stress for him, this reminds us.

-

Cas's faith in Sam is wonderful. like, as soon as douchmon says he needs something from Sam, Cas just SMIRKS like, OH BUDDY. BUDDDYYY. No, I'm not gonna say it. I'm just - "you think he'd make a deal with you?" I'm ... I don't laugh as a rule but inside? Hilarious.

-

"Somebody asked me what it was that I wanted" You know, I think Deanchael is INCITING people. he's not killing any of them, just using the revelation of his appearance to motivate them - moving Sister Jo to do what she wants, which is to re-organise Heaven with the ideas she had as a button pushing functionary... visiting world leaders and holy men, and this douche...

To what end, though? Chaos? This is a roundabout way to make a better world.

-

"Destroying, Drinking, Defiling, you know, the 3 Ds" they absolutely have posters up in Hell with this on for the newbies to learn.

-

We've seen Heaven's staffroom, I DEMAND to see the break room in Hell, with all its lurid Destiel smut doodled on the walls and so on

-

Anyway it's a hell of a question, pun intended, because demons have no real purpose, even the named baddies have largely been slaves to someone else's will (Lucifer or Crowley) and Crowley could not have answered that question from the start of season 6 through to the moment he chose to sacrifice himself... I don't think any of TFW 2.0 or Bunker Squad could answer it fully. Cas can't, and that's the question that's been bugging him since 9x06 -

EPHRAIM Shh-shh-shhh. It'll be over soon. I'll take the pain away.

CASTIEL I want to live.

EPHRAIM But as what, Castiel? As an angel? or a man?

and it's what his entire crisis in season 10 was over... Who ARE you Castiel? What do you WANT?

-

Dean wants a Beach Vacation Ending. He figured it out and as narrative punishment, he's Deanchael. No one else has sorted it out, though, but Sam got close - he had his pizza dream and was immediately punished with being eaten by vampires and resurrected by Lucifer and all that drama... Sam's work isn't done. Though his growth has taken a huge leap, now he has to figure out what he wants in this NEW setting, and we're only just MEETING Chief Sam in this iteration, so he's got a lot of work to do.

-

"I gave it a good think and I worked out exactly what I wanted. Everything."

Deanchael definitely is planning for this, so watch out buddy.

-

SAM DRIVING, MOM IN SHOTGUN

RED ALERT

-

Uhoh Sam's snapped because of the optimism Mary exudes. Yep, he really was nearly at the last straw in their earlier convo when he scoffed at her attempts to cheer him up.

Look, she's trying to mom you with no experience except adopting Jack. Work with her.

-

Sam is spiralling with the depression, this time all the bad things that could have happened to Dean and how they're never going to find him, throwing these horrible scenarios at Mary to stop her trying to comfort him.

-

"I know. I know he's out there, scared and alone." She sees lil 4 year old Dean. Because, I mean, that is the soul Dean bears to her when they have moments sometimes. And her optimism is a wall against thinking of her toddler in this scenario.

"I know. I know he might not come back. Never think I don't know that. But I can't - I have to think about the good, Sam. Because if I don't, I will drown in the bad." I wonder who that directly relates to who is currently driving this car.

I really hope this is a bit of vindication for Mary - or redemption to the eyes of the people who don't like her - that she does care, and she's spelling out her approach to all this. In the start of season 12 when she was trying to keep afloat she used a lot of optimism and furious paddling on the surface, because she has been doing that her whole life. When she was being raised a hunter, when she was a housewife with no clue what she was doing, a mom but he marriage beginning to fall apart... And then thrust into the present day, and it's 360 degrees of combat and loss and sadness and a ill-advised hook up with Ketch... Furious doggy paddling on the surface.

"For Dean's sake, I can't do that. We can't do that." And she shows that she is prioritising Dean, that she's driven and motivated to keep going FOR him.

Come on, give her a chance.

-

Nyooom.

-

Meanwhile in the Jack and Bobby truck, Jack is the one angsting and Bobby is the one driving.

Jack is one years old and not legally old enough to drive.

-

Bobby peptalks him with the reminder that when Jack had his grace he did hero things for these people, which is why he can ride shotgun, and even if he feels useless now, they'll have his back, that he has earned this squad even if he can't be as awesome as he used to.

-

Maggie is like, I'm getting a reaction shot... Am I going to develop feelings for Jack? That would be super weird, he's one years old. I hope no one is implying this even though I'm in a bunch of scenes getting character focus.

-

Eeeeeeee Sam trusts Mary with the demon killing knife. I am sure they don't call it Ruby's knife to her and he has never, ever told her about that time that thing happened with Ruby.

-

This fucker had his back turned for Sam to enter just so he could turn around dramatically. God he's repellent.

-

An extra was hired to pat Sam down. What a job.

-

"The shoulders. The hair! You are my Beyonce!" I mean, same. Except. Cas is Agent Beyonce so this fuckhead has totally misread this situation.

This gives Sam a moment to look over at Cas and Cas silently says, yes I know he's a total fuckhead, I've been dealing with this all day. I'm so sorry bro, can you just stab him so we can go home and follow a different lead. I don't even care what this one knows, I can't handle him another minute.

-

"I'm more embarrassed than I am hurt" I understand this to my core, and I'm so sorry, Cas.

-

"Kipling. Kip for short."

"Cool. Kip. I'm here." Sam being exactly as "fuck you" as I wanted towards Kip.

Sam is now standing with his head in an El Sol sign. TJW what are you up to bud?

-

Oh no Jack and Maggie got caught skulking. Sam and Cas have the same "my boy!" reaction when they see Cas.

Maggie is here too, you monsters.

But Kip has missed Mary and AUBobby

-

"It's just late capitalism, you understand" Yeah, and fuck you Kip.

-

How is Kip so irritating that he can make tapping a stool somehow the most obnoxious thing a man could do? He's WONDERFULLY well-cast. I love this actor. He's chewing scenery and it's incredible.

-

"What do you want?" Ow, Sam being twisted into asking the same thing Deanchael asked Kip

-

"Ass-modeus Kentucky Fried" listen you are still the worst but that drew a sympathetic smile and I hate it and I hate you.

-

Oh, Sam just Sammed something from that side glance, random demon side-eye. Oooh. Oooooooh.

But yeah, Kip asking for the "Crowley Deal" as if it's a package that can be bought from the Winchesters, and not something that Crowley wormed his way into via much back and forth power plays and drama. The Winchester have always had a back and forth with Hell, and since Crowley there have been a lot of demons, like Bart, trying to figure out what exactly it WAS that they all had. But someone has to be in charge, and the Winchesters are the top dog destined hunters with their fingers  in all the world-saving pies, so clashes come naturally. Approaching them like this, first Bart, now this douchenozzle, is meta, presumptuous, overstepping what builds naturally... An attempt to leapfrog to the end where the equilibrium is established.

But Crowley had time to build a long game. These new pretenders are working in a world where the Winchesters' actions have devastated Heaven and Hell alike, and are, like Mary, just trying to keep afloat on the whole thing.

"We never gave Crowley that deal." Because yes, that's how it seemed to play out, and from outsider eyes that's how it may have looked... But each and every interaction came about naturally through the plot, there was no wrangling it. That's just how the Winchesters and Crowley ended up.

And that hole can't be filled by someone just leaping into the chair and asking for it.

Though it is nice if Motown Meats is the new seat of Hell on Earth instead of the outdated exterior asylum interior castle dungeon look Crowley set up.

-

"You're no Crowley. I know that. So do they." I think that was what Sam Sammed out of the demons, and also true, and ALSO is this the boyking accidentally exerting himself, knowing what's good for Hell? I always get a lil tingle in my thumbs when Sam gets too involved in knowing what's up with Hell.

-

Holy shit Kipling was a Mongolian warlord who rode with Genghis Khan in life. PLEASE survive this episode, I want to hate you all season. PLEAAAASE I BEG YOU.

-

Oh my god this insecure whinging asshole, chowing down on the scenery like there's no tomorrow. "I'D EAT YOUR HEART" *turns to weepy and quiet* "before I show you who I really am..."

This is Eddie Redmayne in Jupiter Ascending levels of scenery eating. He's gonna pick up a barstool and take a bite out of it now.

-

Sam is doing this all unarmed, which is something to remember, because this is the fucker who talked his way into killing the Alpha Vamp while MOSTLY unarmed for a majority of that chat.

-

Sam Fucking Winchester.

-

AUBOBBY AND RUFUS!!!!

Also mary.

-

But AUBobby gets a slow mo for Rufus shooting demons.

-

HOLY SHIT MARY'S SLOW MO

I am pregnant

-

MARY THROWING SAM THE KNIFE

-

TJW was like this fight is too fast, my guy. We need to slow it down.  You're so good at your job no one's gonna see what happened unless we go slow mo.

he and the fight guy high five

-

"Aw, balls."

Hey, Nougat tried. He's got a squishy hero centre.

Looks like he weighs nothing and now he's human he goes down in one punch. Owie.

-

"Here take this. You know how to use it?" "Uh! Stab them with the pointy end!?" "pretty much"

Maggie you precious girl why are you HERE. Why is Soups On or Gnarly Gun Guy not here?

-

Cas you fucking damsel in distress

-

Fight guy is like "uuuuh do I have to"

Misha is like "I'm good here, tbh"

-

SAM FUCKING WINCHESTER

(Aw, Kip's dead, he was fun)

-

"ENOUGH"

YES SIR

-

"There will be NO NEW KING OF HELL"

You are gonna get demon minions like fucking ducklings you ass

-

"Not ever. And if anyone wants the job, you can come through me" Sam is technically immortal so long as Rowena is alive and vice versa you know. Also, how long is he planning on defending Hell? Ever?

I'm stalling from how much I have to scream about how badass Sam was throwing down that declaration that he's now essentially the trial a pretender to the throne has to pass to take the job.

Because if I was a demon... FUCK NO would I want to tangle with this fucker.

-

Sam's file, updated: Current King Of Hell. Will Kill You. AVOID.

-

Sam is fucking terrifying. I love it. He scared demons out of their meatsuits. Sam walking into a room is now a reason to eject and abort mission. God. This guy.

-

Remember in season 1 when demons were scary? Oo er this isn't our sort of thing... halp.

Now Sam looks them in the eye and is like, fuck off. I'm scarier than any of you.

-

"That's what I thought"

Cas is literally giving you the reverse look of in 4x16 when you marched in and fried Alastair's brain.

-

SAM GOT A NEW SHIRT thank god.

I should amend: he did all this wearing blue plaid with orange stripes.

Sam Fucking Winchester.

The BMoL definitely didn't have the right birth certificate because that's his legal middle name.

-

Sam n Caaaaas my GUYS. I hope this is the 10x01 convo but, like, not. Flip flip flip those pancakes, Dabb my guy.

-

Cas, hon, you're still so beat up you have blood trails coming out of your nose. There's not really caring about your meatsuit because it heals eventually, but there's also washing your fucking face, because Sam's had time to change his shirt and get a beer so what were you doing?

-

Probably staring at a picture of Dean on his phone and sighing.

-

Anyway he's here to ask how Sam is, rather than care about himself. Symbolism.

"I've been better. And worse." Worse is 10x01.

Or 4x10's flashbacks. For sure those are the worstest.

Though, this time you are the king of hell and you're wearing a dark shirt and I don't think you have thought this through.

-

The most well-meaning accidental king of hell ever.

-

Sam and Cas share the "to find Dean I'd do anything" look. Be CAREFUL. Cas is literally choosing to wear hubris on his face because he feels bad about his fuck up with going to Kip.

-

Mary! Casual Mary chilling in the kitchen!!

Although, with everyone in the bunker, these rooms are taking on different meanings. The people are chasing out the heavy shadows and ghosts of all the oppressive silences Sam and Dean have filled these corners with.

-

Aw it's Mary and AUBobby. I was half-hoping we'd have her giving beer to Jack, but I guess we need to set up the forward momentum on their relationship for this season.

"Not bad today, old man." "you too, Sunshine."

You do realise that Mary is sitting in the exact same spot as where Dean was when he called Cas "Sunshine" You do know that right I mean you KNOW? This is TJW, he knows. He's a Destiel Shipper of the highest order.

-

Cas pops in on Jack, staring at his busted up face in a mirror, now filling more Winchester angst tropes to make up for lost time. "I'm fine," he says without being asked.  Because 10x01 or 10x02 was where Cas defined "fine" for Hannah and explained to her it's what humans say when things are really not fine but they can't admit it.

-

"You did well." "All I did was get punched. In the face."

I love snarky teen Jack.

"To be fair, we all got punched in the face," Cas says, still covered in hubris.

He has a POINT. He has full right to pull the "I should feel more useless than you" card on Jack.

-

Jack doing the "i'm useless" thing that Cas had to go through when he lost his grace, and Jack was allowed to stay in the Bunker. Is this how Cas would have felt had he not been kicked out?

-

Jack says Michael's out there and he still feels responsible to stop him. There's a very, very very very ver very weird Hamlet vibe from Jack, being forced into a position of emotional responsibility to kill his uncle, but Cas is his once dead now back and not a ghost father, and Jack couldn't kill Michael and so Dean got possessed... I mean, it's not a neat overlay, but Jack wants to kill an uncle, an AUncle, and I feel like in terms of uncle-killing narratives, AU Michael making off with Dean fits about as well to Hamlet's uncle marrying his mom as we're gonna get... I'd love to see how this shapes out because these family narratives since season 11 are becoming deeply shakespearean in the amount of nonsense going on. This sort of supernatural drama is a modern world way to have this kind of heightened emotion and the stakes you find in Shakespearean tragedies, and to force the sorts of reflection on the world and self... I really really dig it. Watching season 13 yesterday really hit me with this feeling all over and I'm delighted that Jack has this arc because I'm so amused/interested to see where this weirdo Hamlet parallel goes for him.

-

"I don't have anything." "Oh Jack" thanks Cas that's what I said out loud "you have me. You have all of us. You have your family." *SHOULDER GRASP*

No hug. Fuck off Cas, with your reassuring shoulder grasps. I know that's the language you've been taught but Dabb era is hug era and you suck.

-

I love that with all of Sam and Mary's doubt and Jack's lack of self worth, it's down to CAS. CASTIEL. CASTIEL WINCHESTER. CASTIEL FUCKING WINCHESTER. PARTY!CAS. to give the actual pep talk of the episode which has ANY conviction behind it. Cas has been fuelled with something MAGNIFICENT since the Empty, and he's turned it up to 11 for Jack here :')

-

Jack makes the smallest smile, then turns back to his mirror.

-

Sam opening the door to his bedroom, framed in darkness. 10x01 parallels again - this shot as well as the demon dean one were repeated a few times through the 3 episode arc, and the demon dean one became iconic but Sam did it too, to Dean's room. Now he goes into his own... empties his pockets... he still has the fucking engraved money clip from Tall Tales because Gabriel is not only not dead but telling this entire story for us... He has the phone, that's off, because Dean is not there, not communicating with him, blah blah. And he has the keys to the Impala. Because he's the chief.

Well, the King of Hell. Damn, it took 14 years to get him there. Azazel is fucking spinning in his grave.

-

Ooh, phonecall! Is it Deanchael? "What do you want?"

Nope, it's Sister Jo! :D She's been standing there ALL NIGHT weighing her options and working out what she wants.

SPIN THAT CHAOS, DEANCHAEL.

-

Deanchael approaches a vampire, and it's that purity of Purgatory, that just wanna eat that fuelled so much of the badass stuff in season 7 with the Leviathan, everything Dean's struggled with when it comes to the black and white world of killing monsters no problem that dates back to Gordon in 2x03, that draws Deanchael to them. Because this is Dean's safe space with Benny, a real relationship based on a bond forged in pure, kill or be killed, eat or be eaten purgatory. Deanchael has the same inner machinery as Dean, because Michael is the worst version of Dean, engineered to be Dean but without love. Dean as a monster. And so it all leads here... D:

-

Well this will be fun :D

#14x01 #season 14 spoilers #my stuff #dabb vs cars #HECK

[fadingvitality]

The Red Doors Write - Pride -Texts From Last Night

*Antoni was my favorite coworker. Why he had decided to slum when he took a job at Castaways I would NEVER know. He totally had the swagger for posh, hipster, shi-shi bars in the city, but instead he ended up at the place that was a lot more rough around the edges, of course what it lacked in swank, it made up for in character. The place had charm and the patrons were exceptional. He tried to tell me it was me that sold him. I attempted to play coy, but I just didn’t do coy and I was immediately friend-smitten. Besides his adoration for me, there were several reasons Antoni was my work ride-or-die. One, he was in culinary school. HELLO. I was his favorite taste tester, most likely because I scarfed down anything that was non-ramen and raved about the flavor profiles, ingredients and how he was a kitchen God. I was not born with the ability to poker face, and subsequently he was amused by my quirky and over-the-top reactions. But the wonderment he brought to my mouth was not where his awesomeness ended.  For our second match, he, like me, was exceedingly bisexual. Not only that, we had both leaned same-sex oriented in our comparable history but had recently come to realize we weren’t meant for a singular Skittle color. Nope, we had been deprived of tasting the rainbow. Tragedy had been narrowly avoided.

It was fate. Destiny. Coworker magic.

Antoni was sooooooooooo my people. We quickly fell into the scandal of rating our patrons on a scale from would-do-sober to not-even-shitfaced.  We were the best bartenders at Castaways and Johnny knew it, which is why he had been so easily swayed to let us schedule all our shifts together for Pride month, including the cherry Friday and Saturday nights. To our delight, he handed off the responsibility of decorating to us, and we delivered.  In place of life preservers were Unicorn floaties, and I had ingeniously used rainbow ribbon purchased at the dollar store to pinstripe the walls. Antoni had swapped out some of the blue lightbulbs for all the colors of the rainbow and added a bowl of temporary Pride themed tattoos in coconut shells at the entry. 

I was too sad the end of the month was looming, because Pride could not be topped. Sexy, beautiful people celebrating love in all its forms and feeling free and proud to do so. It was never short on kinky fuckery either. The vibrations were ninety-nine percent high, with only the occasional disruption to the mood. 

Many-a-rule were overlooked during Pride, basically it was like a party we got paid to work at. Johnny said as long as we used our noggins, we could enjoy ourselves and he’d set his eyes towards the sea. Yes, he liked to be cute like that, relating everything back to the theme of his bar.  Antoni and I made a rule, no more than one drink or shot an hour. If someone was begging, we had a dummy bottle of water we’d fake a pour with. One drink an hour still allowed for a little buzz but there would be no shit-faced-drunk-and-therefore-amorous Elliot showing ass. Antoni and I did offer ourselves up shamelessly for body shots on request…and he got just as many as me, not surprising, he was smoking hot. Some of our frequenters preferred we take the shots off each other, and we always worked it. I needed rent and he was paying his own way through school. It was worth the exhibition, and it’s not like we hated it, even if we’d never go there. 

It was the last Saturday of Pride and Castaways was packed. The night was zooming by and it was already close to ten. We were well prepared for the craziness that we suspected would ensue. This was it and not a soul would waste it.  

There was one guy throwing the mojo off, though. He stuck out like he was in the wrong place at the wrong time but didn’t know how to excuse himself from the table. I couldn’t help but notice Antoni was giving him a lot of his ear, like his entire ear, and didn’t seem irritated in the least. I had to investigate. I slid a couple of vodka tonics in the direction of two boys and gave Antoni the head jerk so we could meet up in the middle of the bar. He didn’t leave me waiting, what a gent.*

Alright, spill.  What’s with the broody dude camping in front of you?

*”First…One tequila.” That was nearly a sober rating! I gave a little side-eye down the bar. Okay, he was easy on the eyes, just slightly too… sad-daddy looking. My eyebrows lifted as I silently begged for the sordid details. 

Antoni slung a towel over his shoulder and turned to wash some glasses at the sink.  “His name is Benjamin. It seems Benji has some hardcore bottom curiosity and wants to get him some before the clock strikes pumpkin to commemorate Pride. Specific, I know. And… potential complications.” Just then we both got flagged for some orders. RUDE. “Update at eleven.”

I laughed at him despite the reluctant split and we were kept apart for what seemed like an hour.  Not that it was all torture… There was tongue around my navel action courtesy of a hot little thing with pierced nipples, and blowjobs, so many blowjobs. The shot…not the act. The patron that bought a third round absolutely insisted Antoni and I both partake. He leaned in to lick some whipped cream off my neck which was more about whispering in my ear. “Okay, I agreed to give him what he wants.”*

That’s it? *I slugged him in the arm.* That is not the TEA. 

*I could see he was hiding something so he got the serious-Elliot-eyes and he coughed it up.  “He’s married, but the missus knows. SHE KNOWS.” That was the serious-Antoni-voice that said he knew it was messy but also, fuck it.*

I better be the first to hear from you post disaster, dude. 

*He smirked, full on, unabashed smirking as he walked backwards. It was a dirty weapon he wielded like a master. He could totally charm panties off with that thing, and also pound some virgin ass, or so it appeared. As the night progressed, people got louder, threw more money at us, downed an obscene amount of alcohol, and sang off key. Benji was still in the same spot, and if he’d gotten up to piss, I missed it.  As if I hadn’t endured enough suspense, Antoni gave me the puppy-dog-eyes and asked for me to close on my own. I agreed on the condition that he feed me delicious things. The deal was closed on a little handshake trend we’d picked up.

“I’ll text you.” He winked and then he was out of there with sad-daddy Benji. Luckily for me Johnny showed up twenty minutes later and hooked a thumb towards the door.

“Get out of here, Indigo. Place looks good enough and I’ll lock up.”

A Lyft ride, short walk and shower later, I was in bed and crashed hard.*

========================================================================

*I woke to my phone buzzing off the nightstand what seemed like a blink later, but I could see the sunshine peeking under my door, alerting me it was in fact, daylight.

I grabbed my phone off of the floor and saw the text alert from my precious Antoni, and holy crap! It was almost eleven! 

I thumbed over the numbers to enter my password and opened right to his text.

“Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I’m not the best mistress ever tell me how.” I cracked up, and I really needed the salacious details pronto. I texted back. “Spill.” 

I impatiently waited as little dots teased on the screen, while silently appreciating his full sentence texting style. “TOO scandalous and detailed for text, meet me at Menotti’s and I’ll spring for your sprinkled donut.”  Drool. I tapped out what felt like a very enthusiastic reply, as it bounced out of my brain and onto the screen. “Sold. I will be there in fifteen but keep your expectations of me on the lower end.” I hit send with a laugh and popped out of bed to get dressed and out the door.*

========================================================================

*I arrived right on time and spotted Antoni at a table outside, my donut and black coffee waiting in front of the empty spot. I leaned down and dropped a kiss to his cheek, before I sat.*

Aren’t you going to eat? 

*He waved me off. “No. Already stuffed.” He shot me a look that said “don’t even” and I shut myself up with a bite of donut. “Also, you look flawless. Stop it.” Then he got right down to it. 

“So last night, I somehow ended up the priest to Benji’s confessions. He spilled it out in every detail. But the best part didn’t happen at the bar. Anyway, since Benji’s wife couldn’t really fulfill what he was looking for, her sister had suggested she let him get it somewhere else. Find a willing guy to satisfy the urges. 

Girl, we got to his place and he was eager. In a blur he was down on his knees slobbing my knob like he’d been born for the job, and then without delay splayed himself for the taking. We are talking face down, ass up, cheeks spread in invitation. NO SHAME.” 

I choked on my sip of coffee that I of course chose to take right at the moment the cheeks and spreading part of the story happened.*

But how did you end up high fiving his wife and his sister? I don’t get it!

*”Impatient! I’m getting to that! Shhh. So, after a little prep work a la sous chef, I gave him every inch I had to give. The more merciless I was, the harder he got. Heavens, he was tight. There were moans, there were obscenities, there were...giggles at the door.” My eyebrows flew up. 

“Right? So, anyway, he was too busy enjoying my cock to notice my glance over the shoulder where we had not one, but two ladies in the audience of our intimate show. I winked at them, yes, I did. I also had no shame. And then I really gave it to him, winding my hips in dramatic rotation before slamming into him hard and making him wail like a banshee. It was glorious. The smacking, the taking of virgin butthole, the way he proclaimed I satisfied him beyond wildest imagination. I came four times before his ass passed out.”*

Oh my GOD! You ho! 

*We both laughed before he kept on, because apparently he wasn’t done.”So I woke up, right? And he’s still crashed so I roam down to the kitchen. I was starved but also, I just wanted to tack on a little exclamation point to the wild night and put my culinary skills to work. 

Who do I find? The wife’s sister! She was one of the little voyeurs. Her name was Angie. Turns out Angie gave the idea to her sister, Katie, about Benji getting banged because, get this, Ang has a thing for male-male romance novels. She regaled me with stories of her favorite fictional pairings while I whipped up some eggs benedict and breakfast potatoes for the house.  We congratulated each other on likely saving a marriage. 

Benji and Katie made their appearance together. His cheeks still looked flushed, but the breakfast spread dispensed with any lingering awkwardness. We got along famously, and it was stupid comfortable. After a breakfast where Benji was notably shifting and maybe still a tiny bit shell-shocked, it was time for me to say my goodbyes. Benji got a reassuring squeeze but the ladies were waiting by the door. I told them I was glad they enjoyed the show and the high fives happened. You were my first text as soon as I hit the Lyft.”  

I was cackling. It could not be helped and the man was due a toast. I lifted my coffee cup and he held up his chai.*

To a Pride well done.

*I signature winked and he smirked. “And a Benji.”*

[courtinggrievances]

temptingannihilation

replied to your

post

:

HEY, I’M TOO BURNT OUT FROM *~*~RUNNING FROM THE...

woah what the fuck??

> Karkat; Send the log to your omniquad. You need to jam with him about this bullshit.

> Not just about the state of the log, but about.. some of the things you said in it.

Today at 1:03 PM

courtinggrievances HEY, HOW IS THE SHIT SHOOTING GOING?

eridacnis the wwhat god i evven forgot you existed

courtinggrievances THAT WAS A CONVENIANT WAY FOR ME TO ASK YOU HOW YOU'RE DOING WITHOUT SEEMING OVERLY CONCERNED OR WHATEVER, BECAUSE I'M A PIECE OF SHIT WHO DOESN'T CURRENTLY FEEL LIKE TRYING TO GIVE OFF THE IMPRESSION OF A STOIC INDIVIDUAL. ALSO THAT'S. WOW. ALRIGHT, I'M NOT GOING TO FUCKING LIE, THAT KIND OF HURTS.

eridacnis hurts less wwhen i remind you that i havve the wworst possible memory and from time to time forget im married to cas

eridacnis but also i dont think theres evver a situation wwhere im not feeling like utter shit

courtinggrievances I MEAN, I GUESS. HOLY FUCKING SHIT THOUGH, I FEEL IT. IS THERE ANY PARTICULAR REASON YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT TODAY?

eridacnis wwell this time its just nightmares hauntin me constantly and me just not bein able to sleep normally at all for the past twwo wweeks and im slowwly at the end of my nervves

courtinggrievances HOLY SHIT, YOU AND ME BOTH. WHAT ARE YOUR NIGHTMARES OF, I'M CURIOUS HONESTLY. LET'S SEE IF THEY'RE SIMILIAR TOO.

courtinggrievances MINE ARE JUST, YOU KNOW, THE CASUAL BLOODSHED AND OBLITERATION OF TROLLMANITY THAT PLAGUES NEARLY EVERY TROLLS DREAMS, BUT AS RECENT AS LAST NIGHT THEY KIND OF GOT... WORSE.

eridacnis shrug trauma dreamin of exes wwho treated me awwful failin to take care of people and things and some other i just forgot

courtinggrievances ):B

eridacnis yeah Today at 2:59 PM

eridacnis so is that all you got to say

courtinggrievances SORT OF? I JUST WANTED TO CHECK IN AND SEE HOW YOU WERE, I KNOW THINGS SUCKED EARLIER. FAR BE IT FROM ME TO ACTUALLY SHOW SOME GENUINE FUCKING CONCERN BUT, IT IS WHAT IT IS I FUCKING GUESS.

eridacnis wwell thanks for nothin then

courtinggrievances I THINK YOU MAY HAVE MISREAD THE TONE OF MY TEXT. WHAT I'M SAYING HERE IS THAT I'M SHOWING CONCERN FOR YOUR WELL-BEING EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOT IN MY NATURE TO REALLY DO SO. IT'S A TESTAMENT TO US BEING FRIENDS THAT I EVEN SAID SO, YOU KNOW?

eridacnis you showwin me your concern by sendin me a stupid sad emoticon and then fuckin off isnt gonna make me feel any better so no i dont think theres somethin i understood wwrong there

courtinggrievances ALRIGHT, SO WHAT THE FUCK WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO DO, THEN. GO INTO YOUR PAN AND STOP THE NIGHTMARES FROM OCCURRING? MY DUDE, IF I COULD DO THAT, I WOULDN'T BE HAVING SO MUCH SHIT IN MY OWN DREAMS.

courtinggrievances I'M SORRY YOUR EXES WERE SHIT, I DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANY, BUT THAT SHIT SOUNDS LIKE IT SUCKS GLOBESPHERES AND I HEAR IT HAPPENING SO MUCH ALL THE GODAMN TIME, BUT I'D LIKE TO JUST NOD MY HEAD AND LET YOU KNOW I HOLD SOME GENUINE FUCKING CONCERN FOR YOU WITHOUT IT SEEMING FAKE AS FUCK. I CAN'T EMPATHIZE BUT I SYMPATHIZE.

eridacnis yeah wwell you done evverythin you could to seem fake as all fuckin hell so good job wwith that you really suck at this

courtinggrievances THANKS FOR THE NOTE OF ENCOURAGEMENT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE WANTING TO ACCOMPLISH BY INVALIDATING MY CONCERN, BUT IF IT WAS YOU STOPPING ME FROM REACHING OUT TO ANYONE EVER AGAIN, CONGRATU-FUCKING-LATIONS, YOU SURE FUCKING SUCCEEDED! SURE STOPPED ME FROM WANTING TO REACH OUT TO PEOPLE I CONSIDER TO BE FRIENDS!! YOU REALLY SHOWED ME!! WOW!! I'M *FUCKING* IMPRESSED!! YOU REALLY BOOSTED MY FAITH IN MYSELF OF MY CURRENT 'BE A GOOD FRIEND' CAPABILITIES!!!

I'M GLAD I COULD LEARN THAT I'M A SUCKY FRIEND TO YOU AND PROBABLY TO EVERYONE I TALK TO ABOUT HAVING **GENUINE FUCKING CONCERNED FEELINGS**, BECAUSE HEY, FOR YOUR FUCKING INFORMATION, THAT'S HOW I ASK PEOPLE HOW THEY'RE DOING WITHOUT SEEING FUCKING CLINGY, BUT YOU KNOW, WHATEVER.

I'M GLAD YOU SHOWED ME THE ERROR OF MY GODAMN WAYS!! I'LL CERTAINLY NEVER TROLL YOU AGAIN TO ASK ***HOW YOU'RE FUCKING DOING*** BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY I SUCK TENS OF THOUSANDS OF AMOUNTS AT BEING A ****GOOD FRIEND****.

THANKS!!! I'LL REMEMBER THIS. FOREVER. YOU'VE CHANGED MY LIFE.

courtinggrievances BREAKING NEWS FLASH; KARKAT "COURT" VANTAS SUCKS AT BEING A FRIEND. HIS EFFORTS AT REACHING OUT RESULT IN HIM GETTING HIS *~**~FEELINGS~~**~* HURT. MORE AT ELEVEN!!

eridacnis thanks for the slice of guilt trippin after me not bein happy wwith somethin you did to me

courtinggrievances HEY, I'M NOT GUILT TRIPPING YOU AFTER YOU INVALIDATED MY EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS AND GENERAL STATE OF BEING FRIENDS WITH YOU.

I'M TELLING YOU, STRAIGHT UP (WHILE BEING SARCASTIC AS FUCK BECAUSE THAT'S WHO I AM) THAT YOU HURT MY FEELINGS BY TELLING ME, IN NOT SO MANY WORDS, THAT YOU THINK MY CONCERN IS STUPID, THAT I DIDN'T HELP, AND THAT I SUCK AT HELPING FRIENDS SO I SHOULDN'T EVEN TRY.

eridacnis i mean you didnt evven try wwith me is all im gettin at and if a friends not wworth the effort then yeah you suck at keepin friends

eridacnis god i cant believve im the one havvin to givve you a lesson there

courtinggrievances HOW THE FUCK YOU EXPECT ME TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT DREAMS ABOUT YOUR EXES IS BEYOND ME. LIKE I SAID, I DON'T HAVE ANY, AND I SAID THAT TO AVOID THE AGE OLD ARGUMENT OF PEOPLE GOING 'YOU DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL!!' BECAUSE I FUCKING DON'T, BUT I'M STILL HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH YOU.

eridacnis if someones upset you dont just send them an emoticon and leavve it at that its not that fuckin easy you talk to em try to figure out wwhat you can do for em like talkin about the shit that happened or just simply distractin em

courtinggrievances IF SOMEONE'S UPSET, I SEND THEM AN EMOTICON TO JUDGE HOW MUCH THEY WANT TO TALK. SOME FUCKS JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE.

eridacnis its sad enough that me eridan ampora has to teach you that more like you wwanted to be left alone cause you didnt care enough as soon as i said is that all you wwere like yeah thats all like if my question wwasnt enough to tell you that i awwaited more then i dont knoww wwhat to tell you buddy

courtinggrievances HOW THE FUCK DO I WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE, I'M THE ONE THAT TROLLED YOU. ALSO, I DIDN'T JUST SAY 'YEAH'. I SAID, SORT OF, AND A HUGE PARAGRAPH OF WHAT I WANTED.

eridacnis yeah you started the convversation but you cut it off too in the middle of me talkin about my problems wwhich is the most awwful fuckin thing to do

courtinggrievances I'M SORRY. I GUESS I DIDN'T REALIZE I WAS DOING THAT. TOO BLINDED BY OWN OWN FUCKERY AND HURT FEELINGS BULLSHIT TO REALIZE I STEERED THIS CONVERSATION IN A DIRECTION THAT WAS ABOUT ME. IT'S NOT FINE AND I GUESS I'LL FUCK OFF. MAYBE I'LL TRY TO SLEEP.

eridacnis yeah wwell maybe next time actually think about other people wwhen you wwanna help em oh yeah and noww you wwanna run from it great just great

courtinggrievances YOU EVER TRY TO SLEEP WITH SYMPTOMS OF A CONCUSSION? FUCKING SUCKS.

eridacnis oh no poor you all about you again

courtinggrievances HEY, NEWS FLASH, I'M NOT YOUR FUCKING MOIRAIL.

eridacnis yeah and not my friend either

courtinggrievances I WANT TO LISTEN TO YOUR PROBLEMS BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT YOU, BUT WHEN YOU GET ALL CAGEY ABOUT THEM AND TELL ME I SUCK AT LISTENING, I WANT TO LEAVE. I JUST WANTED YOU TO TELL ME ABOUT THEM!! I WAS TRYING TO STEER THE CONVERSATION INTO THE DIRECTION OF "BEING UNABLE TO SLEEP" AGAIN BUT, YOU KNOW, WHATEVER. I DIDN'T EXPECT YOU TO GO "BOO HOO YOU WHINY BRAT, YOU'RE JUST LEAVING" YOU KNOW WHAT? LET ME GO THE FULL FUCKING MILE HERE, IF I'M GOING TO MAKE THE CONVERSATION ABOUT ME.

eridacnis oh boy

courtinggrievances FIRST OFF, I'M FUCKING SORRY YOU CAN'T SEE THAT I ACTUALLY WAS TRYING TO SHOW SOME CONCERN.

I'M SORRY THAT'S A BIT HARD FOR ME, BECAUSE HONESTLY OUT OF THE (2) TWO!! PEOPLE I COME TO SEE HERE ON TUMBLR, YOU'RE PROBABLY THE ONLY!! ONE!! I ACTUALLY MAKE IT A POINT TO ASK HOW THEY'RE DOING. I'M SORRY I COULDN'T SEEM MORE ENERGETIC ABOUT SHOWING "KINDNESS" AND "COMPASSION" AND BULLSHIT LIKE THAT, I'VE GOT A WHOLE LOT OF OTHER MALARKEY ON MY PLATE RIGHT NOW!!

SPEAKING OF WHICH, LETS TALK ABOUT THAT, AND ENERGY LEVELS, WHICH IS SOMETHING I DON'T REALLY SEEM TO HAVE, WHICH IS AS I SAID, A FUCKING PROBLEM FOR ME. I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE I FUCKING CHOSE TO NOT HAVE ANY ENERGY. IT'S NOT LIKE I WANT TO HAVE ZERO ENERGY TO TALK TO MY SUPPOSED 'FRIENDS', I JUST REALLY DON'T HAVE A FUCKING CHOICE RIGHT NOW.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'VE DONE FOR THE PAST TWO PERIGEES? I'VE  WALKED. I'VE WALKED THROUGH SCRUBLAND AND BRAMBLES AND ALL SORTS OF THE MOST HORRENDOUS TERRAIN YOU COULD THINK OF. AND I SAY 'WALKED' LIGHTLY, BECAUSE YOU KNOW, WE COULD BE BEING FOLLOWED, AND WE EITHER HAVE TO MAKE TRACKS QUICK OR JUST FUCKING LAY DOWN AND DIE.

THOUGH, YOU KNOW, I THINK THE DRONES HAVE THEIR SIGHTS ON OTHER THINGS, SINCE I'M FAIRLY SURE THEY THINK US DEAD SINCE THEY RAIDED OUR LAST SAFE PLACE AND BURNT IT TO THE FUCKING GROUND! BUT YOU KNOW, I WOULDN'T KNOW! I DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO THAT SHIT MUCH RIGHT NOW, MOSTLY BECAUSE I'M TOO BUSY TRYING TO KEEP TEMP FROM FREAKING OUT AND NAYA FROM BECOMING EMOTIONALLY DISTANT, KEEP THEM FROM JUST FUCKING LEAVING THE EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL DEADWEIGHT BEHIND FOR THE DRONES!!

AND YOU KNOW, I'M REAL FUCKING SORRY I CAN'T REALLY HELP YOU ABOUT THE TRAUMATIC NIGHTMARE BULLSHIT, BECAUSE, PERSONALLY, I HAVEN'T SLEPT MORE THAN SIX HOURS IN SIX DAYS, BECAUSE, HAHA!! WELL, EVERY TIME **I** CLOSE MY EYES I SEE INDIGO CLOWNS RIPPING TROLLS HEADS IN HALF BY THEIR HORNS, AND HEAR THE SOUND OF MY PANMATTER HITTING MY SKULL FROM WHEN I GOT TOSSED INTO A WALL BY AN IMPERIAL DRONE TWICE AS TALL AS I AM!! I WISH I COULD HELP YOU ABOUT YOUR EXES TOO, AND I FEEL LIKE THAT'S SOMETHING I SHOULD BE ABLE OT FUCKING DO, BUT I DON'T HAVE THE ENERGY TO PULL SOME RELATIONSHIP ADVICE OUT OF MY ASS CURRENTLY, BECAUSE YOU KNOW, I'M TOO BUSY ***RUNNING FOR MY LIFE FROM THE GODAMN EMPIRE*** OR DID YOU FUCKING FORGET THAT WAS A THING THAT WAS HAPPENING?

YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT ONE THING THOUGH, I DIDN'T SEEM LIKE I CARED, AND I KNOW IT'S ONLY AT FACE VALUE, BUT I DO, YOU KNOW? I'M SORRY, REALLY AND TRULY ACTUALLY, AND I FUCKING HATE IT, BUT I JUST DON'T APPARENTLY HAVE ENOUGH ENERGY TO CARE *~~PROPERLY**~* ABOUT MY FRIENDS, BUT HEY, AT LEAST I FUCKING TRIED, YOU KNOW? TO SEE HOW YOU WERE DOING. NOT THAT IT MATTERS MUCH BECAUSE IF I FORM ANY FRIENDSHIPS WITH ANYONE, THEY'LL PROBABLY ALL GET CULLED, HAHAH, BECAUSE I'M BURNT OUT AND FUCKING WORTHLESS AT CARING FOR MY FRIENDS, SO YOU KNOW, FUCKING WHATEVER!!

IT'S NOT LIKE YOU CARE ABOUT ME ANYWAY, YOU JUST WANT ME TO LISTEN TO YOU AND WHILE HEY, I'M ALL READY TO LISTEN, I'M REALLY JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW NICE IT WOULD BE TO CLOSE MY EYES AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT GETTING AMBUSHED AND CULLED, BUT THE LAST 'SAFE' PLACE WE WERE IN WAS LIKE FIVE FUCKING PERIGEES AGO AND IT'S REALLY!! REALLY!!! GETTING TO ME THAT I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO SEEMS TO GIVE A SHIT IF WE'RE CAUGHT, BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE SEEMS TOO FUCKING NIHILISTIC TO CARE IF I BECOME PAINT FOR THE FLAGSHIP MY OMNIQUAD WILL HELM IF THEY CATCH US.

YOURS **~*FUCKING*~* TRULY, KARKAT "RUNS HIMSELF INTO THE GROUND FROM WANTING AND FAILING TO BE ABLE TO HELP THE PEOPLE HE CONSIDERS HIS FRIENDS, ONLY THAT NUMBER IS MINUS ONE NOW SO I GUESS HE DOESN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT FRIEND ANYMORE, BUT HE'S GOING TO BECAUSE HE'S (KARKAT, ME) AN ABSOLUTE CHUMP" VANTAS.

#temptingannihilation #hey mags look #eridacnis #read ooc #uh #somewhat graphic mention of violence #in a single instance #in the context of talking about nightmares

[jimsjy-blog]

For whoever still trying to dig about me and my life, here’s a good catch for you. This not gonna be here forever so be quick.

Recently, I had a bad week. When I said bad, It was really bad. I had a rough argument with my groupmates for one of the assignments that I had to present. I had a bad fight with my girlfriend that leads to our breakup. I also had a bad day where my laptop decided to fuck me up where I lost my 4 years of data that full with my works, pictures of my loved ones and (me), videos, important and confidential documents that I don’t even know where I can retrieve it. Also, news flash, dad had been diagnosed with prostate cancer possibility. Well that explains why he threw up so much the last time I went back, he lost his appetite & he can’t sleep well. Now tell me, how do I deal with this kind of fucked up week. How can I set myself to keep thinking straight. How can I not be so emotional about everything when I really need someone to hold me, pat me and guide me on dark days like these… Anyway, I’m gonna go through of these one by one so keep on reading.

It was last Sunday where my friends and I were supposed to finish our project or so-called prop for our presentation. Note that, since the beginning, we had a few disagreement regarding our topic but since this Indian guy is so excited to proceed with his culture and we all just gave in. He promised me to come to my room on Saturday at first but as usual, he fucked that up with some weak excuses like ‘I’m having class’, 'I’m doing my works’. First of all, you’re here in this university is to learn and to finish your studies. You working part-time is not my fucking problem and you shouldn’t involve me or make a deal if you know you can’t make it. I always have this problem where I really can’t take it when people made a promise but they fucked it up. Meanwhile, on Sunday, he eventually came and we tried our best to finish that ugly prop. Well, it didn’t go as we planned but it’s better than nothing right. Before that I went for a quick meet up where I was late and got scold :) Again, it was a useless meeting since the girls don’t even wanna help in completing our project but at the same time they demanding so much from us to complete it asap. How fuckery is that? They came up with so much idea to talk during presentation where personally I think that it’s so lame and not a good way to execute that kind of presentation 😞

Moving on, I had a fight with my girlfriend. Fought with her since last week. We had a continuous fight since last week until I exploded to her during our fight. I’ve failed to control my anger and I lost my fight against my own wrath. I don’t blame her for everything but what I could say is she added the fuel to the fire. I said so many bad and harsh words to her without even taking it into consideration that she is indeed a soft person. I even went the extra mile where I didn’t let her come to my presentation since I was so emotional and took it to the heart of her joke where she said our project is ‘ugly’. Only after 2 days of not contacting each other, I realized that she may be just joking around like we both always do. But during that time, I cannot think straight and or had a thought to let it slide since it felt like someone just poured salt in my wound. I yelled at her even though I know she couldn’t take it, I asked her to stop crying even I know she’s not capable of controlling it. My anger took a total control of me that night. I asked her to do things that she can’t because she was sobbing so hard. I was heartless, I was ruthless, I was evil. The last time I was like that was back when I had a fight with my ex-partner. I tried my best since the beginning of our relationship to control and be kind with her because I know she’s not like my old relationship but this week, I’ve failed amazingly. And yesterday’s night, I don’t know how our small talks turned into our break up. It was during my late dinner, I was outside. The funny part is, we did it through texting and I feel like it was so immature to do that. I can’t call her to talk about it and just because I feel challenged, I keep on replying her until she asked me if I’m in or not. I lost control once again and I blamed my ego for that. The thing about her is, she is not someone who can back out easily when we are in the midst of an argument. So, that kinda a challenge to me and I will never let it slide even though I try because I feel like she stepping over my head. This is one of the many things that I should consider (to fix myself). It has been two days since I last talked to her and truth to be told, I do miss her, a lot. There is so much that I want to say and tell her. I love her and there’s always a reason why everytime I talk or ask for something. For every time I advise her about something is because I cared for her. But she doesn’t seem to know why I did it. For every time I talk about aurah, her looks, her makeup, her outfit, her attitude, etc. There’s just one reason and that is because I love her and I care for her and I want the best of her and I want her to change to become a better person each day and blossom together. But, when I did that, I feel like she misunderstood my intention. I’m not trying to find and critic her flaws, I’m here for all the good reasons. I always prayed to Him that please soften her heart and I believe that time will eventually come. 

3 days ago, I was hit with another bad luck. My laptop decided to break down in the middle of week 10 of my university. Officially, I’ve lost all my important files and I’m going to repeat it all over again. I lost my pictures that I saved from my Semester 1 Diploma, I lost all my assignments and works, I lost all of my documents. I would be lying if I said I’m not sad about it. All my hard works, gone in a split second. I tried all the possible way to recover my data but I’ve failed (so far). I even went to all the shops around Bangi before I decided to ride in a rainy night to Lowyat in KL and back to my college at 5 in the morning. The saddest part is that I have to redo all my works, videos, research and among other things. The recent saved files in my emails are not the the ones that I had in my hard disk. I only have around 2-3 weeks to cover all that. Well, that’s kinda tough and heavy isn’t it. People are not going to understand the hardship that I’m dealing with and the only thing they can come up with is ‘its nothing, you can do it again, you still have time.’ Try to be in my shoes gentlemen… The last thing I have to opt out is to spend around RM400-RM600 to recover my data which I don’t think I can afford that amount of money. 

Last but not least, life decided to drop a shocking news to me and my family. I believe in ‘Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear’ and I have to suck it up and live with that. A few nights ago, Mom rang my phone and told me that she just got home from the hospital at 1AM. She told me that my dad has been diagnosed with a prostate cancer possibility. We are yet to know the truth, It could be an early stage of cancer, it could be a normal disease for old folks. This is where I lost all of me. I don’t know how to react, I was speechless. All of sudden, I got the flashbacks with how I cried so hard while I took care of him when he had an accident. I bathed him, I changed his clothes, I did all the unpleasant things since I was the only one available (my brothers are all working and I can’t let my mom sleep in the hospital). He was so vulnerable back then and now I can’t even imagine if he has cancer cells in his body. I don’t even know with whom I should talk about this. People around here know nothing about me or my family and I prefer it that way. At the same time, I’m not talking with my girlfriend and I had to deal with my lost documents and assignments. Honestly, I lost all of my positive energy in me and maybe that is the reason why I was so rough these days but I keep on trying to pretend to everyone that I am okay. When you have so much on your plate, you tend to act aggressively and you only think about yourself. Well, that’s me since last Sunday. With this nonstop hardship that I’m going through, I’ve failed every single one of it and I don’t have anyone to share it. It’s a good thing that I let this thing off my chest by writing. I pray that there’s a good news or hikmah behind all this waiting for me after I’m done with all these challenges.

Oh Allah, if this is your hint to ask me to return to You, I would gladly to do so. I’ve been in so much comfort with Dunya these days till I left Quran unattended for months, the last time I went for Jemaah prayer was back in Ramadhan. This is the moment where I reevaluate my relationship with Allah. I know there’s only one place to return and cry when you don’t have anyone else to do so. For once, I really hope I can turn back time and let me sort these things one by one and by doing that I can also save my relationship, both with my Creator and my lover.

I don’t always ask much but when I do, please pray for me so that I can get out from this misery. I'm sorry for anyone that I've pushed, I’m sorry to anyone that I’ve hurt just because I cannot divide my focus between my problem and people around me. Till then, goodbye.