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numinousnic · 3 years

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im so glad you appreciate Jonathan Harker as well. if he were any more fit he'd be the ultimate himbo i swear

IN THIS HOUSE, WE LOVE AND RESPECT JONATHAN HARKER!! (Even — nay, especially! — when he is severely lacking in genre savviness.)

And you're not wrong! While I will argue that he is an important ancestor of the modern himbo (especially as it applies to horror), Jonathan remains, sadly, not a Classic Himbo, as defined by the following threefold criteria:

Is he a beefcake? Is he hot, and, MOST IMPORTANTLY, IS HE BUFF??

Is he "not the sharpest bulb in the drawer"? (Yes, that is something I have said before, and yes, I have yet to live it down.) Simply put: is he SUPER dumb?

BUT: does he have a heart of gold? Is he kind? Respectful? A good egg in general?

If the answer to all three is a resounding "YES!" then congratulations! We have a bona fide himbo on our hands!

Jonathan Harker, as previously established, is a solid 2/3 due to lack of beef. Although his escape from Dracula's castle was pretty physically demanding and earns him some serious kudos, the man's constitution is nevertheless incredibly delicate. But in all other regards, he ranks pretty well! He's 1) oblivious as hell, and 2) never forgets to drink his Respect Women Juice (and take his Cherish Wife Multivitamins) every day.

But that begs the question: how do the other gents of Dracula stack up? So with these criteria in mind, I went ahead and did some ranking, from LEAST to MOST himbo-rific. (I may end up revising these later — because I've been meaning to reread Dracula anyway, and this is a good enough reason to do that! — but these are my gut reactions based on my year-and-a-half-old memory of the book, so forgive me if I fudge some details.)

Count Dracula

1. BEEF: NO! Regardless of how later adaptations choose to depict him, he is a GROSS OLD MAN and NOT HOT OR BEEFY in the SLIGHTEST!!

2. BRAINS: ... Jury's out on this one. I personally think Dracula's plan to take over England is hilariously dumb (and his aliases are even DUMBER), but hindsight bias aside, it's not a terrible idea and it probably could have succeeded if no one had picked up on what he was trying to do. So he may have had some brains, but it did not help him!

3. HEART: AGAIN: NO! AS HIS "BRIDES" ATTEST, HE LITERALLY DOES NOT CARE ABOUT ANYONE BESIDES HIMSELF!! AND I WILL FISTFIGHT FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA FOR MAKING PEOPLE THINK OTHERWISE!!

CONCLUSION: NOT, NOT, NOT A HIMBO. DRACULA IS A TERRIBLE, RANCID CREEP AND ABOUT AS FAR AS SOMEONE CAN GET FROM BEING A HIMBO.

Renfield

1. BEEF: I mean... I remember Renfield being described as pretty strong, so he could be jacked? But I don't think he's particularly hot.

2. BRAINS: Since Seward repeatedly stresses that he's pretty cunning and manipulative, and since he succeeds on getting out of his cell a number of times, Renfield's pretty clearly not dumb! (And calling him dumb based purely on the fact that he's in a mental institution is gross and ableist!)

3. HEART: Overall, Renfield's not an especially nice person, but he does stand up to Dracula in the end, so... pity point for that, I guess.

CONCLUSION: Again, not a himbo. But at least Renfield's not as much of a not-himbo as Dracula (although to be fair, that is a low fucking bar)!

Abraham Van Helsing

1. BEEF: Maybe? I mean, a twinky Van Helsing just feels wrong in my mind, but honestly, I think that's just because he's a middle-aged dude. Not particularly beefy, not particularly hot — but I'm not holding that against him!

2. BRAINS: Van Helsing is a doctor, a professor, and a lawyer, and he has a pretty vast body of miscellaneous knowledge beyond those professional fields (most notably of vampires) so: solidly disqualified from being dumb! He might express his knowledge in particularly bizarre ways, but that has more to do with the fact that Bram Stoker is hopelessly and hilariously bad at writing accents than with Van Helsing being dumb.

3. HEART: A generally decent man, his 19th-century-typical sexism and his occasional emotional bluntness aside! Very steadfast, very resolved, and very faithful.

CONCLUSION: Charmingly weird uncle vibes? Yes. Himbo? Hell no.

John Seward

1. BEEF: Seward may have had an adventurous life with his manly pals Holmwood and Morris before he decided to be "respectable" and run a mental institution, but if he had muscles once, he is decidedly non-muscular now after years of being a nerd. Apparently has a good jawline according to Lucy, but that could mean anything re: overall hotness.

2. BRAINS: Much like Van Helsing, Seward is a multi-talented man of the mind (and he has a pretty good grasp of modern technology!) So, not especially dumb, even if he doesn't really think vampires are a Thing at first (because honestly, who would?)

3. HEART: A bit of a sadboy, but again, a decent dude. Plus, he's devoted to Lucy (and trying his best to save her life) and pals with Mina, so the Respect Women Juice is being chugged!

CONCLUSION: Seward could have had himbo potential in his youth before he decided to go to medical school! But he's not a himbo now, and that's what matters.

Arthur Holmwood

1. BEEF: Arthur's an English aristocrat. I refuse to believe he's jacked. Hot in that pasty upper-crust way that some find appealing, perhaps, but not jacked.

2. BRAINS: Again: Arthur's an English aristocrat. His main contributions to the Kill Dracula Committee are his money and his connections for a reason, and it's because he has nothing else to offer.

3. HEART: Oh, this man has so much heart. Arthur's ready to do anything and everything to save Lucy, and it's so painful to read how much it kills him to kill her once she becomes a vampire. I may rag on Arthur for a lot of things, but I deeply respect his emotional depth.

CONCLUSION: Like Jonathan Harker, Arthur is a solid 2/3! But again, his lack of beef is holding him back from the top spot, which goes to...

Quincey Morris

1. BEEF: Quincey's a cowboy. He is BRINGING the BEEF. (Also, cowboys are hot; I don't make the rules.)

2. BRAINS: Objectively speaking, him seeing a bat lurking outside the window during the inaugural meeting of the Kill Dracula Committee, assuming that bat is Dracula in disguise, and trying to get rid of it is a smart move. But going outside to shoot it and, in doing so, shooting through the window in the middle of the meeting? That's a himbo move if ever I saw one.

3. HEART: We should all be so lucky to have as devoted a friend as Quincey Morris. Not only does he not act all toxic and friendzone-y about Lucy turning down his proposal, but he wishes her all the best and promises to be her friend no matter what! And then he sends a telegram to Arthur congratulating him and proposing to get drinks with him and Seward so they can talk about how awesome Lucy is! And he means so much to the Kill Dracula Committee that Jonathan and Mina name their son in his memory! This man's heart is SOLID gold, and EVERYONE knows it.

CONCLUSION: WE'VE FOUND OUR HIMBO, AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA QUINCEY MORRIS!! (And thanks for coming to my TedTalk!)

#in which i answer asks #nicolekilo #i am so sorry for this incredibly long-winded answer but my brain just took this and RAN with it #... this is probably a sign i should reread dracula soon #literature #dracula #literary humor #himbos #my meta #if you can CALL it that

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