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vaguely-concerned · 5 years

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IN ANTICIPATION OF BIOWARE POTENTIALLY GIVING US A ROMANCE UPDATE IN THE FUTURE: MY PERSONAL ANTHEM ‘SHOULD YOU FUCK’s AS OF RIGHT NOW, ENORMOUS SPOILERS OBVIOUSLY

No really spoilers for Anthem you have been warned

Tassyn: I mean she reads a lot more mom to me, but I’ve seen people be into her so y’know if that floats your boat go ahead. Probably will regretfully yet efficiently murder you if necessary but hey some people are into that I’m not judging.

Rythe: FUCK YEAH YOU SHOULD FUCK RYTHE! SEXY BAD CHOICES ALL AROUND!!!! *fingerguns*

Owen: Well I love him & would die for him even after the total bullshit he pulls, but to me he feels more like a fuckup little brother, in the grand tradition of Carver and Jowan. So for me personally that’s probably a no, but I can totally see why you would and I respect it. They played their hand too early with him b/c the pacing of the main story is completely off the rails, so I’d love to get more content for him anyway. He’s undeniably hilarious and desperate for affection and can be sweet but he’s also a walking over-caffeinated mess of abandonment issues, deflecting humour and spectacularly bad decisions; will absolutely stab you in the back but tbf you kind of treated him horribly. Even I have to admit that that slouch and slow grin when he sees you in the bar sure was Something, though I’m not entirely sure what. If you were one of those people who inexplicably wanted to kiss Wheatley, lo and behold your time has come.

I would say that if you haven’t previously engaged in the even grander Bioware tradition of getting screwed over in the non-sexy way by your love interest, ala Anders and Solas... step with caution, okay? (If you’ve been here before, seen this room and walked this floor -- you know what you’re doing, I’m not here to insult you by giving you advice like you’re not marching unflinchingly into hell with open eyes yet again, best of luck out there in the trenches comrade)

Dax: Oh hell yeah you should fuck Dax. Strong, beautiful, funny, driven, technically a princess and heir to the throne but so far along in the line of succession now that neither of you have to worry about getting assassinated, probably, will make you excellent and detailed maps one day. Good stuff.

Haluk: No he is my honorary uncle and mentor it would be super weird. He has beautiful eyes tho A fucking plus to Bioware’s art/animation team there

Faye: Also feels like family, like my sister or something, so no. She’s objectively the prettiest girl in the entire game, however, and super smart and kinder than her dumbass friends have any right to expect of her, so if I played a different character: totally.

Brin: ...idk I just sort of get the feeling she’s got other shit to do and wouldn’t welcome it? I’d be her fanfic beta reader tho, which is arguably a greater degree of intimacy anyway ETA: Apparently she’s ace, so definitely doubling down on betaing fic instead!

The Matthiases: Short answer: Probably yeah, if you feel so inclined, it’ll be fun if a bit of a mindfuck. Long answer: GOD PLEASE FUCK THE MATTHIASES, this is literally the reason I made this post, the mechanics of it alone! The Possibilities! Like how would it work? For Science if nothing else, people!

(I know the point of their arcs is kind of that they’re separate people now and romancing all three of them at once is probably not how that would work but honestly when has that ever stopped the smut brain? Never, of course, let’s go)

Do we check our calendars for when we can all manage to get together every time? Do we add the arcanist lady who Sumner could end up dating (of course we do the more the merrier when we’ve let it get to this point)? Do you pick one to fit your mood that day -- Matti for days when you need someone who sounds a little stoned to tenderly look you in the eyes and earnestly tell you you’re a wonderful person, Sumner for rough satisfying stuff but also he can be kind of adorbs?, Erryl for when you want to try some technically challenging kama sutra shit but don’t feel like chatting about feelings? (you know there are books about it in the Anthem universe too and you know he’s always up for an experiment) Would you just pick and mix and would they be chill with that?

Have the three of them together ever, you know. I mean, they live together. They conceivably share a bedroom. They must have -- surely, they’ve at least tried... right? At least once.There’s no way they haven’t. Right? To satisfy Erryl’s intellectual curiosity, if nothing else? Well, it’s something to consider. Fuck them, is what I’m saying, it’ll be an adventure and between the three of them they can give you the time and attention the original Matthias couldn’t b/c he was all arcanisty and self absorbed.

The Monitor: You Monitor fuckers already know who you are and I’m perfectly aware that neither I nor the hand of god himself could stop you if we wanted to, godspeed you weirdos

Princess Zhim: She’s so beautiful I’m a bit weak in the knees but she made you eat a pheromone sack with disgusting sound effects the first time you met. I mean. If that’s your thing you’re welcome to but that’s a no thanks from me.

Amal: Nah. He’s such a disastrous ditz he might like frame you for murder one day without even meaning to or realizing. Also the worst kind of actor -- working as a waiter for now until he gets his big break but just you wait one day he’ll be a star and uuuuuugh... listen if you can block out the inane prattle for long enough to enjoy his pretty face all the more power to you, but I don’t have that kind of strength of character

Lucky Jak: Sure, have fun! Boy looks good in a tight sweater and seems nice. ETA: Also actually now that I think about it he could & would totally do all your paperwork for you, literally the dream man, go forth and smooch at will

Kassian: Yes, for no other reason than that I literally thought ‘yeah I’d bang him’ the first time I saw him even though he’s wearing whatever the hell it is he’s wearing on his head, so that’s some serious magnetism he’s got going on there. A little bit of an ‘a freelancer can love a caravan sailor merchant person but where would they live’ situation if you go for a long term thing, but I’m sure you could work something out. “I’d like to kiss you”, “...KS?”, “Nope, that one’s totally true as long as you’d like that too”, honestly the dialogue writes itself

Marl: No. He’s already clearly having some sort of Situation with Gunther and honestly... leave them to it, nothing but madness lies this way

Pirndel: Eh it’ll be deeply unsatisfying, but I bet he practices extremely safe sex. Not the worst choice.

That married couple I can’t remember the names of right now but they’re both spies: They’ve already enough of an unexpected bizarre threesome angle going on and I’m not sure a non-spy is equipped for the mind games enough to not end up dead, let’s not

Max: Well she also already has a wife, but you never know how they’ve got things arranged. Never hurts to ask.

Commander Vule: Very good voice. Handsome. Stern but fair-ish; you could roleplay by-the-book-cop vs. wild card detective and finally get to yell ‘but I get results, Chief’, maybe hand in your badge and gun while he glowers at you... You know yourself best, my friend, bang or not as you see fit.

Neeson: No. He will end up wearing your skin as a coat if you let him. Save yourself.

#Anthem #anthem spoilers #anthem game spoilers #anthem game #bioware #honestly the characters in this game ARE interesting! pls don't let this game tank I need to know what happens to them #also if there was any justice in the world the matthiases would spawn a whole new fanfic genre immediately #it's that 'would you bang your clone' post except even more so lol

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