#suicide and murder-suicide and self harm mentions also my crazy psychobabble

[kyaah]

sorry i haven’t been active i actually have a queue of 70+ posts and just haven’t started it despite coming on a lot and briefly interacting with mutuals

i’ve been going through a lot a lot mentally and with my family, specifically my mom and i “butt heads” and that’s been getting to me immensely, the way she talks to me and treats me in general no matter how well i think we get along and have fun and converse while i live here at home

it always comes back to a battle, how i’m wrong and cursed and that i’m doomed with the curse because she and i are so alike in many ways, apparently

well a lot happened a few days ago and though i try to journal and try to not speak about it online, however vague like right now, though i try to be mentally sound, i lost and proved her right

it was like we mimicked a previous fight a couple years ago that we had and she hates that i ever hurt myself yet she dares me to do it, then she’ll humiliate me by asking me to undress in front of her and/or my dad, just to check if i’m alright

i passed her test three or four nights ago but right after, i decided to cut myself just 3 times on my thigh, even after writing it out and venting to my girlfriend and my girlfriend explaining why i shouldn’t do it, obviously because she cares for me but proving my mom right

i really am just doomed i guess… i’m already deluded enough into thinking my suicide attempts give me answers to a longer life and that i need to decipher clues in my daily life to find a greater purpose this a reason to go on living to begin with; i see things sometimes and i’m reminded of when i was on tumblr as a kinnie at 17-20 i really did believe i had dimensional powers and that there was so much truth in who i was, where i came from, why i was spurned then and i lost everything (in my fictional life)… it would just make sense that if i had dreams, they revealed the deeper conscious and that deeper conscious would be memories, whether here or another world, right? there’s a reason we’re all here and not there, wherever our there happens to be and wherever we see, i think i seem like a miss weston chandler when i talk about these kind of things haha

but anyways, my girlfriend even talked to me saying that destiny is an idea and nobody really needs to fulfill one, we live to grow and spread love where we can, which is true. i remember trying to explain our thinking and she brought up how i would possibly feel if she attempted and succeeded for the same reasons i am planning to in a few years, obviously i’d feel bad, beyond bad, but even though my circumstance is different and i need to be at the right place and time to kill myself even if i know i won’t die, that sort of thing happens for a reason, right? i’d be so much more than heartbroken if she decided and attempted and succeeded, but it would do something for me i think, and i just couldn’t bring that up because she doesn’t understand or believe in that word, i wouldn’t want to offend her by having her think she’s a piece of my strange puzzle. i didn’t want to and couldn’t possibly begin explaining how my old brother in law was murdered and how i accidentally delivered the news started me on a different line, and how his murderer killed himself so young (17) to get out of the consequences rather than find clues to his reason for being through facing that, at such an age it could have been a huge breakthrough and maybe he would change and gain a better life later on—he deserved to die, but i think failed suicide attempts are huge. but i don’t want anyone to think they’re pawns in a game, it can feel similar to a game, but everyone’s lives’ rules can be so different from person to person, that’s what our free will and right to live gives us

we’re getting ahead of ourself, i don’t expect the average user to believe or me read to this and get it understand it, i know that it’s a lot and looks like “psychobabble”… i just felt like typing all of that, i don’t want or need a response from anyone about any of that because i know they won’t get it anyway

what i’m trying to say is i’m guilty and cut myself, i relapsed after maybe 4 years and i am 25 turning 26 this year

i just don’t know what to do, i’ve hit a wall and genuinely i know the answer is to get out of this house where my mom plants things in me and replants it and it hurts, but i’ve hit a wall in learning how to drive which would lead to me making further discoveries in happiness and finding clues in the world outside of home/work and would literally save my life getting me out of here

i’m just worried about where i am at right now, there’s a popular youtube video about a fight that went on in my store and there were police called and i’m in the video near the end holding a little girl down, i received a compliment saying that i helped her a lot and saved her from getting beat like her mom by my coworker who now is facing jail haha… i think the brush off of being involved in a fight regardless of what i did and that video being online, it just scares me… what will that attract, you know? my big manager said he’s glad i was calm at least (though i was shaking a little when i went back to register and was asking other customers if they were alright) a different manager said he’d like me to branch out since a new CSS position is up now that my coworker (that was her position before she was provoked and fought) is not working here anymore

anyway i think it’s just been very busy in our life and i am trying to make sense of it and we feel so bad i cut our leg, no matter how easy it was and how it didn’t hurt really, it’s just healing up strangely? i’m so embarrassed though, i truly am. i don’t want to think about if my mom is going to follow through on checking on me periodically because she might call someone on me if she sees new cuts no matter how small, which, good for her i suppose, i can be out of her sanctuary :(

my girlfriend was right in me cutting myself would be proving my mom right, they were right and i was wrong, but more than that i feel embarrassed to see her this weekend because there’s no hiding my thigh from her and it’s just the timing, did i really have to cut myself after she told me i shouldn’t? it’s like i disrespected her and did it against her wishes sigh it takes everything in me not to call us a retard in front of my girlfriend not only because she doesn’t like the word but she certainly doesn’t agree with me putting myself down in any manner period

and also i lost my wallet at a club two nights ago drinking and dancing with randoms, everyone was very polite though it was a country style club and i’m thankful the staff had it and got ahold of me, now my sister has my wallet… although she cannot bring it back right away -_-

i’ve locked my cards and still have them locked even though i know it’s safe and sound in good hands, maybe this will teach me to curb my spending haha

rilakkumaUS has released the bright fluffy sherbet colors on their amazon and i really want them so much, girlfriend told me to only get one, but i can’t not get the whole set even if i “won’t want” them somewhere down the line and i would still have “only one to see if i would still care about having them all later” as if that isn’t fucked up to say, how can someone not get a full set of anything? that’s how you create loneliness regardless of the object is alive or not… i have one pair of the LINE friends skechers and have had them for many years but have never worn them because i don’t want to knowing that i don’t have the other pairs (is that weird? lol)

#hihi #suicide and murder-suicide and self harm mentions also my crazy psychobabble #whatever…i’m getting ready for work now