#staring a slew of numbers that are supposed to determine my health and trying desperately to change them is all too familiar

[2-kamikou-1]

this class is going to make me fucking relapse

#staring a slew of numbers that are supposed to determine my health and trying desperately to change them is all too familiar #way too familiar. #the feeling of failure when they go up instead of down #the feeling of joy when they do finally go down #all too much #all too familiar #i feel all to similar to the way i did then #and it's a slippery slope but i can't sacrifice my grade #it's all too fucking much #and the scary part is it's only the logical side of me that makes me anxious #i /want/ to start doing that again #i /want/ to feel that way again #and it's not even entirely logic #part of what's holding me back is really just 'you don't have the self control for that anyway' #but i do #because i did it before #and i usually try to break that spiral of thoughts but i kind of haven't #i just push it onto the back burner because i really cannot seem to kick those thoughts #i feel so sick