Middleditch and Schwartz Play Animal Crossing - Museum Tour
This was done for the convenience of anyone who wants it - just this video but written out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rpRG_432AWA
Ben: Thomas, what is this?
Thomas: What?
Ben: What have you been doing in here, what is this room? What is this Dexter laboratory?
Thomas: D-don’t worry about it, it’s nothing.
Ben: What do you mean it’s nothing?
Thomas: It’s just a few… experiments.
Ben: What is this?!
Thomas: It’s- It’s- I’m combining genetics of various animals to create hybrid animals in the vain of the “Isle of Doctor Moreau”. I’ve studied his research- Ben, don’t think me a monster. Ben, wait! It’s not what it looks like. I’m a man of science! Ben, come, come, come.
Ben: Alright where should we go?
Thomas: This-
Ben: There’s another room!
Thomas: Just a couple of boys in their unders having a great time on various islands.
Ben: Just running around a museum. What??
Thomas: Look and of course, if you want to get your- something stamped, maybe you should get something stamped here? Isn’t that what you get stamped?
Ben: Stamp it, baby. *stamps* Nailed it- thanks, buddy.
Thomas: Now what I want to show you is over here.
Ben: Woah another stamp, excuse me, sir.
Thomas: Ben, about- about my experiments in the laboratory earlier…
Ben: Yes?
Thomas: You can keep this- Excuse me- you can keep this between you and I, correct?
Ben: Um- Why are you doing it?
Thomas: Ben, they’ll revoke my license. I’m a doctor, but sometimes doctors have to go without borders.
Ben: Yeah, but I saw what you were doing, you were combining like monkeys and… giraffes. You’re not- what you’re doing doesn’t make any sense. The head of a monkey but the body of a giraffe??
Thomas: This could cure world hunger! Imagine a monkey-
Ben: How??
Thomas: -a monkey with a really long neck, it could eat anything it wants!! This way, trust me, there’s more to show you! *maniacal laughter* I’m so glad you’re here, Benjamin!
Ben: You’re foaming at the mouth!
Thomas: Now I’m not by myself anymore, I’ve got a friend!
Ben: Well how is your museum so very big, sir?
Thomas: It’s not just a museum, Benjamin, it’s an Imaginatorium! This way, down in the basement. Benjamin, now, you mustn’t breathe a word of what’s going on down there, okay? You mustn’t say anything-
Ben: Wait- what’s going on in the basement? No, tell me what’s going on in the basement-
Thomas: Follow me!
Ben: Thomas, don’t go down there! Thomas! Blathers, what do I do? What do you mean, trust him? Blathers works for you, doesn’t he?
Thomas: Come, come, come- follow me- I’m somewhere down here *echoes* down here, down here, down here-
Ben: If you show me anything-
Thomas: You’ll have to find me *echoes* find me, find me-
Ben: Okay, but before I find you- let me stamp my thing!
Thomas: Keep going down the hallways *echoes* hallway, hallway- There you’ll find me *echoes* find me, find me, find me-
Ben: Where are you? It’s dark down here. Where are you?? It’s dark down here!
Thomas: It won’t be for long- bones.
Ben: Thomas, you’re in the dark.
Thomas: BONES, MILLIONS OF BONES! Look, this: a fishy type bone, this: a long necky type bone- and you thought I was insane-
Ben: What are you doing?? That was your neighbor!!! That’s your neighbour!!!
Thomas: And you thought I was insane for trying to combine a- a giraffe with a monkey, well look at that!! Turtle bones, a claw bone, stegosaurus bones-
Ben: Look how many terrifying- dinosaurs you have.
Thomas: Oh, they’re not dinosaurs. These are the skeletons of my babies.
Ben: What are you talking about?
Thomas: Not everyone that I combine makes it- to live a full, happy life, but I still love them- I still love them, Benjamin.
Ben: What’s the purpose of it, Thomas?
Thomas: Science.
Ben: What do you mean, science?
Thomas: Science!
Ben: I’m sorry I gotta get a stamp.
Thomas: *breaks character and laughs* Sorry, I’m a real stampaholic- and there’s a special on stamps today.
*cuts*
Ben: Where are you? Oh my god, you’re up there.
Thomas: Up here.
Ben: What are you doing up there?
Thomas: Find- I want- here’s the best opportunity for another photo opportunity. It’ll be a perfect opportunity for it. Now Ben, the final step to visiting-
Ben: *laughs* I like that you always make me stop! I try to run and you get in my way!
Thomas: Ben, the final step to my island, is I want you… to go ahead and stand behind the animal that you have the privilege of combining your genetic material with.
Ben: What do you mean, whatever thing I go behind-
Thomas: Just-
Ben: -whatever thing I go behind is the material like, if I go behind this cow-man, I’m gonna become some sort of cow-man-boy?
Thomas: You’ll be half cow, half boy, is that what you want?
Ben: Why, what happens?
Thomas: I’m going to be a pig. A little piggy, a pig-boy.
Ben: Wait what does this do? I don’t understand what’s happening.
Thomas: They’ll call me Doctor Pig-Boy- now, you’ll take a photo.
Ben: Mmkay, we’re gonna zoom in. You ready?
Thomas: Nice smile!
Ben: Nailed it.
Thomas: Perfect.
*cuts*
Ben: Thomas, who is this- who’s this?
Thomas: Who’s who?
Ben: What do you mean, who’s who? Thomas, there’s a light on a skull, down here.
Thomas, Oh, hah. That was the last visitor that came to Bagel Town.
Ben: The exit’s gone. Where’s the exit, where’s the exit?
Thomas: Oh, you’re not going anywhere, Benjamin.
Ben: This is supposed to be Animal-
Thomas: *whispering* Run, run, you better run, you better run!
Ben: I’m going to talk to that owl on the way up. You can’t catch me, now I’m running for my life. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
Thomas: Oh, you better run.
Ben: ♪ Do, do, do, do, do, do ♪
Thomas: ♪ Di, di, di, di, di, di ♪
Ben: ♪ Di, di, di, di ♪ Oh, you almost got me by wanting to stamp right there.
*cuts*
Thomas: Well guys, just make sure to watch, uh, “Middleditch and Schwartz” on Netflix- three completely improvised comedy specials, watch ‘em- and as well- as well, Ben’s got a little something, he might want to share with you.
Ben: “Space Force” is out on Netflix as well, watch “Space Force” with Steve Carell, John Malkovich, me, Tawny Newsome, Jimmy O. Yang, Don Lake, uh, a bunch of great people. But, let’s tell you about “Middleditch and Schwartz” for a second. We’re so happy that Netflix gave us the chance to do it. The only way we get to watch more- uh, Jess. S is gonna play- Everybody, all my friends are getting ready to play Mario Kart, it’s 5 o’clock it must be- “Middleditch and Schwartz”, we only get to get more episodes if enough people watch ‘em. So please tell your friends, watch ‘em, we’re really proud of ‘em- it kind of gives you the experience of what happens when you come and see us perform, um, uh, on stage, on tour- and, uh, I love you, Thomas. I enjoyed playing video games with you. This was a very relaxing, calming game to play together.
Thomas: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ben: Until you brought me to your museum.
Thomas: Why? Wh- I mean, again, that’s… just between us, correct? Ben, you didn’t take any pictures other than- other than the one that I told you to take? Ben, that’s evidence-
Ben: Don’t follow me in here! Don’t follow me in here!
Thomas: I- I- Ben, Benjamin.
Ben: I need a ticket, I need a ticket! I need a ticket home!
Thomas: Benjamin, you’re not going anywhere!
Ben: I wanna go home! I wanna go home!
Thomas: You’re going to stay here forever.
Ben: *starts crying*
Thomas: Here in Bagel Town.
Ben: I wanna go home!
Thomas: No, nooooo!!
Ben: Oh, clear skies, ohh, oh, I’m just gonna get on this plane totally naked.
Thomas: Safe travels, Ben.
Ben: Wait a second, who’s flying the plane? Who’s flying the plane??
Thomas: *maniacal laughter* I can tell you he’s not entirely human.
Ben: Ohh, no, it’s half gorilla, half giraffe!!
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