2020: The Year I Lost My Ass
Well, we reached the end of that toilet roll only to start another one, because that is what we do for as long as we are allowed to continue revolutions around the sun – we keep going.
2020 was a terrible year for so many. My brain is incapable of processing the number of losses suffered on a global scale. Be it jobs, security, rights, sanity, relationships or life. My brain is not just incapable of these calculations, it has plain refused to entertain those thoughts on behalf of my heart. My heart, that sensitive little blood pumping work horse who not once allows itself to stop. Thank goodness.
I don’t believe the majority of people are willing and able to bring themselves to fully comprehend what was lost in 2020.
Here is a list of a few more losses suffered last year:
- People lost their shit. And over the most ridiculous things like toilet paper, having to wear a mask to secure toilet paper and being held to the consequences resulting from not wearing a mask when asked to while attempting to purchase toilet paper. Pause for a moment and let that last sentence hang around in your mind. 2020 made that happen. I didn’t make it up! Recently I saw a news piece showing a man (40’s) lying down on the floor in a Costco to protest being asked to wear a mask. He spoke loudly, he beat his hands at his sides and wildly kicked his legs when an employee asked him to get up. Now, I am not judging for I too have participated in such behaviour MANY times. Granted I was three, but hey… some of us mature faster than others.
- People lost their damn minds. 2020 should be dubbed “The Year of The Karen”. For those of you not in the know about the Karen phenomenon, here is a description courtesy of Urban Dictionary:
“Karen is a pejorative term used in the United States and other English-speaking countries for a woman perceived as entitled or demanding beyond the scope of what is appropriate or necessary. A common stereotype is that of a white woman who uses her privilege to demand her own way at the expense of others.’
Basically, a Karen is a I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER type person (There is a male equivalent, but it seems no one can agree on the name… Chad, Terry, Kyle, Kevin, Steve). You can often find a Karen on her cellphone calling the police to report a black man who lives in her neighborhood, simply living his life in her neighbourhood. I didn’t make that up either.
More recently a Karen was videoed in a UPS store claiming that she didn’t have to wear a mask because that space was government property and not a private business. Would it be safe to say that most Karen types suffer from a lack of oxygen to their brain? Possibly. But that would involve science and Karen types DO NOT enjoy hard facts.
As always when I download my thoughts into reality, I must go within and search myself. Am I a Karen? My immediate answer is: no fucking way. I can honestly say I’ve never once asked to see a manager or called the police to report someone eating their lunch on a park bench. I do not enjoy confrontation. Unless there is a bully involved. Then I will drag that person to hell with me. I much prefer discussion over going straight to the ‘I triple dog dare you!’ approach to the world. (If you got that reference, you are my new favourite) Because that is who a Karen really is… someone who jumps right to the most extreme action in order to satisfy their need to be superior. Truly, we should feel sorry for these people because instead of engaging they’re raging. And how awful must their insides feel… always full of anger, fear and self doubt. I say instead of judging these Karen types or putting them on blast on social media, we should hug the shit out of them. Just grab them and squeeze as hard as you fucking can until they stop talking. Peaceful solutions my friends, peaceful solutions.
- Pets lost their faith in us. Children a close second. If you are a proud owner of a pet or a child, you know exactly what I’m talking about.
I’ve always operated under the notion that my cat loves it when I’m home and hates it when I leave. 2020 has taught me it might be the other way around. Because our animals are, well, animals we just believe our presence is the greatest gift in their lives. Remember when you were old enough to be left alone by your parents and once you had the taste of that kind of freedom, you just wanted more of it and couldn’t wait for them to go out? I feel it’s like that with our pets now. We might not think animals have a routine or preferences or enjoy some alone time, but we’d be wrong.
I think at first our pets were thrilled. If we are home more it means more time for prolonged petting, walks and the opportunity to ritualistically train us to respond to their caterwauls for more food and treats than normal. But then as the weeks of lockdown and working from home increased, so did our pets desire to kill us in our sleep.
I’m pretty sure my cat has asked me several times using her feline glare: “why the fuck won’t you just leave?”. It would be naïve of us to assume we don’t disrupt their day with our constant noise making and snacking and scotch drinking that leads to a good buzz that leads to showing too much affection to our pets. To the point where they run and hide when they see us coming. Please tell me I didn’t describe just my own experience.
There is such a thing as everything in moderation, we know this, so I think it can be applied here. People, get away from your pets. Give them the space you often desire from human beings. Because if you don’t, that random turd in your shoe could be pointing to a much larger, more alarming problem you’re about to encounter.
I had the absolute blessing of being able to assist in caring for and raising of my three nephews (12,9,6) for the last 11 years. So, when I say: ‘children are always watching us’, I feel I know what I’m talking about. I’ve been mimicked so often by these young boys that I’ve had to pause due to mortification. Children will hold you accountable without even knowing it. I’ve had some behaviours of mine corrected by a 5-year-old and let me tell you, it stings like hell.
As adults, when our world was thrown into turmoil because of Covid-19, we looked to our medical health professionals and our politicians for guidance. Basically, we searched for those who would lead us. The children – looked to us. And while many adults handled this responsibility the best they possibly could, many more failed miserably and displayed attitudes I can only describe as juvenile, damaging and pathetic. I suppose it doesn’t help if the people the adults are looking to for help are themselves - juvenile, damaging and pathetic.
When I say we still have not grasped just how much has been lost over the past year, I’m hinting at integrity, compassion and creditability. Three vital qualities you’d hope people want to instill into their children. But if they themselves are unable to display such valuable traits, what does this say for the children who are looking up to them as an example on how to act when life gets challenging?
For myself in 2020, I gained by losing.
When they locked our gyms down for four months last spring, I came close to being one of those people who lost their shit. While people were moaning about wearing a mask for 20 minutes in the grocery store, I was contemplating if murdering those people could be considered a cardio exercise and would that hold up in a court of law.
To reflect on that time period now (especially since our gyms are closed AGAIN at the moment) the loss of the gyms brought me the knowledge of how important the routine of going to and being in the gym is to my mental health. I won’t launch into how I feel about shopping malls being open and gyms being closed despite their proven benefit to one’s overall health because then I really will lose my shit.
People always say getting to the gym is the hardest part and once they’re there it’s easy to workout. And for many that is the truth, but for me it’s all a part of the workout. Getting to the gym is the psychological effort. Putting in the work at the gym is the physical. You can’t have one without the other. I became so pathetic that I’d often walk to the closed gym from my house, stare at the closed doors and then walk home. 1.5 hour round trip. True story.
Remember a few years back everyone became obsessed with that Netflix show ‘Tidying Up with Marie Kondo’? It is the show where that lovely woman from Japan showed us all how to declutter our homes by getting rid of anything that didn’t bring us joy. Those acid wash jeans from 1989… sit with them… hold them close to your chest… if they don’t make you happy, remove them from your space. Well, the same idea can be applied to people and ideas and even feelings. And 2020 was a great year for simplifying our lives. I’ve heard so many people talk about how they can’t wait to get back to ‘normal’… not me. I’ve already started my ‘new normal’.
The loss of drama has gained me peace and a better understanding of the importance of remaining true to who I am instead of trying to please others in hopes it wins me points. Because it doesn’t. Because its inauthentic and only brings you more loss and more drama. And anxiety. And sleepless nights. And an overall sense of hatred for everyone. 2020 gave me the option to no longer care about the things that don’t make me happy and to embrace the process of letting all that stupid bullshit fade away.
It was a year of gained focus.
It was a year of gained appreciation.
It was a year of gained gratitude.
It was a year of gained love for myself.
I’m going to leave you now, but not before I share one of my favorite songs by the Tragically Hip:
In A World Possessed by The Human Mind
Just give me the news
It can all be lies
Exciting over fair or the right thing at the right time
Everything is clear
Just how you described
The way it appears, "A world possessed by the human mind"
Then I think I smiled
Then I think you said, "it's fine"
And quietly I dressed, in a world completely possessed by the human mind
We're in awe of no one
We've none of their fear
Fighting's goin' nowhere and we stay right here
Where everything is quiet
A little super dangerous
"In the shadow of the law and with colours of justice"
Then I hope I smiled
Then I'm sure you said, "It's fine"
They got no interest in a world completely possessed by the human mind
Everything is quiet
A little super dangerous
Quiet enough to hear God rustlin' around in the bushes
Oh, but it was you
Girl, I was so afraid
You said, "You shoulda seen the look on your face"
Then I hope I laughed
Then I hope I said, "it's fine"
And quietly undressed in a world completely possessed by the human mind
Oh it was you
Girl, I was so afraid
You said, "You shoulda seen the look on your face"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgXphurrsE0
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Pet Perspective (11/19)
By: @arc852 and @hiddendreamer67
Warnings: Degrading roles, moral quandaries galore
First Chapter || Previous Chapter || Next Chapter
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Patton grinned as he set Logan down on his desk. “So! What did you want to do? Because I’ve got games, we could watch a movie or maybe just talk?” Patton listed out.
“I don’t have a particular preference.” Logan assured him. “I am willing to participate in most activities but now that I have the capacity to do so I intend on informing you when an experience becomes unpleasant.”
Patton nodded. “Sounds good! I think a movie would be good then, just to wind down from all that sun and sugar.” Patton chuckled and opened his laptop to pick out a movie on netflix. “Are you okay here, or do you wanna move to my bed? It might be more comfortable to lay down and watch it.”
“I’m comfortable here.” Logan answered.
“Okay!” Patton said and then looked through the movies. He hummed until he came across one he had seen before but figured Logan might enjoy watching. He pressed play on it and leaned back. “This is a good one.” Patton commented with a grin.
“What is it?” Logan raised an eyebrow.
“It’s kind of similar to the first one we watched yesterday. But different, of course.” Patton chuckled. “Just watch, it’s starting!” Patton turned his attention back to it.
As the movie progressed, it was clear that, just like the first movie, this was also had a pet borrower in it.
“I did not understand the first film, just as I do not understand this.” Logan looked somewhere between confused or unsettled. “Why do they feel the compulsory need to drag their borrowers along? No one wants to witness all of this courting.”
Patton shrugged. “Well, that’s what people do with their pets. They don’t want to leave them alone, so they bring them along.” He explained.
“That seems impractical, as well as demeaning.” Logan huffed. “And on the human side of the plot, it’s unrealistic. They only knew each other for a short amount of time before confessing their love and beginning an arduous journey.”
Patton chuckled. “Heh, yeah, a lot of movies do that. There’s only so much you can put in two and a half hours, after all.” He paused, glancing down at Logan. “And why would that be demeaning? Wouldn’t you want to be included on a trip instead of stuck at home by yourself?”
“It depends on the venture; I would much rather be left to my own devices than dragged along as an accessory for a romantic getaway.” Logan clarified.
“I...guess I see your point.” Patton said before turning back to the movie. As it turned out, the borrower had a bigger role to play as he was tasked with delivering the wedding ring to the girl. “Oh, see! There was a reason the borrower came along!”
“Even from a cinematic point that doesn’t make sense.” Logan furrowed his brow. “They made no indication that this would be vital to their relationship- why are they highlighting it? It’s just an excuse to have the borrower in the background for the rest of the film. Not to mention, a ring of that size would be far more strenuous to carry. It’s clearly a fake.”
“It’s romantic?” Patton said, though unsure. “And really?” It didn’t seem like it would be that heavy.
“Do you see the amount of gemstones on that ring?” Logan pointed to the screen. “And you must account for that weight of the band itself as well. Besides, the action isn’t ‘romantic’ if the borrower is not an important part of the romance itself.”
“I mean...he’s their pet. People do that with pets all the time since they consider them part of their family and all. I’ve seen a ton of movie where dogs gave the ring. It’s not...uncommon.” Patton explained.
“It may be a common action, but that doesn’t ensure that it’s moral or practical.” Logan argued. “Is it truly acceptable if the borrower is uncomfortable or in pain?”
Patton’s eyes widened. “N-No! Of course not...but wouldn’t the borrowers have said something then?”
“I imagine they would, but humans seldom listen.” Logan explained. “It’s why I was collared in the first place. And again, in this particular instance, I believe the act is merely staged.”
Patton looked down, fidgeting with the sleeves of his cat hoodie. “You didn’t deserve to be shock collared.”
“That is a correct statement.” Logan agreed. “It was a violation of my basic rights and a restriction of my free speech, although there are no legal consequences for such unethical actions to my knowledge.”
No, no there wasn’t. Patton paused the movie, turning to Logan. “Logan...do borrowers like being pets?”
Logan frowned, surprised by the question. “No, I hardly think anyone would enjoy this demeaning treatment.”
Patton deflated and looked down. “And...I’m guessing that includes you as well?”
Logan was more confused. “Of course, it would only be natural that I would draw my conclusions from personal experience. I’ve lived my seventeen years completely in entrapment, either of a cruel or neutral nature. A borrower existence is not particularly pleasant.”
Patton felt tears prick the corners of his eyes. “W-We were always taught...that borrowers needed to be looked after. That they liked being pets...I never thought twice about it…” How could he not have?
Now Logan was downright startled, with no knowledge of how to possibly approach this situation. It was a clearly ridiculous belief, but Logan worried if he stated such he might send Patton further into this worrying spiral. “Why are you crying?”
“B-Because…” Logan’s question only caused him to cry more. “I...I should have realized sooner. We-We all should have! I don’t...you aren’t…” Patton could barely get any words out as he wiped at his eyes. Was the world really so cruel that it had convinced so many people that this was okay. Even...even him.
“Patton, what are you attempting to communicate?” Logan pressed.
Patton’s heart beat rapidly inside his chest as he lowered his hands and stared openly at Logan. “You’re...You’re a person.” And saying it out loud, something he really should have known all along, caused him to cry again.
Logan’s eyes darted around, desperate for a way out of this uncomfortable situation. “Given your reaction, I assume this is a new revelation then?”
Patton nodded. “I know...that’s so bad! I...I should have realized...from the beginning.” He met Logan’s eyes. “I’m...I’m so sorry, Logan.”
“Why are you apologizing?” Logan felt exasperated. “And was it not obvious from my identical anatomy, ability to speak and rational thought?”
“It...should have been, huh?” Patton continued to wipe his eyes, slowly calming himself down. “I’m apologizing...because yeah, I should have realized it sooner. Like...forever ago. But I...didn’t. And a part of me wants to blame the world but...it’s also on me too, isn’t it?” He sniffed.
“Perhaps; it’s a complex issue of societal norms and personal bias- I’m sorry, what exactly does this mean?” Logan asked. “I understand and appreciate your delayed epiphany that I’m hardly different from a human being, but how does this affect this relationship going forward?”
Patton blinked, that was a good question. “Well...what do you want? Like, truly want. If...If that’s letting you go and living free then...I’ll let you go. Because you deserve to make your own decisions now.”
Logan blinked. That was… a lot of pressure. Logan had never even considered what he wanted for his future, knowing it was not his choice to make; rather, Logan was content to fight his battles moment to moment.
“I...would not know the first thing about survival if I were released.” Logan admitted, slowly remembering his conversation with Roman earlier.
“Oh...right, I guess you wouldn’t, growing up in captivity huh?” Patton bit his lip. “You could...stay with me?”
“Up until now I had assumed that was the default.” Logan scuffed his shoe against the desk. Was that what he wanted? It wasn’t terrible here, but Logan had never been given such a choice before. He had no idea what options were available.
“You don’t have to! This is your decision after all and you don’t have to answer now but if you do stay...I promise to not treat you like a pet anymore.” Patton promised, putting his hands over his heart.
The complete 180 change baffled Logan. “I honestly do not know what I want… but I was content to stay here before your revelation, and my position on the matter has not changed.”
Patton nodded. “Okay...Just let me know if you ever change your mind. And! Feel free to speak your mind. Whenever. Don’t think of yourself as a pet anymore but like a...a roommate!” Patton exclaimed with a grin.
“A roommate.” Logan tried out the term. It was certainly odd- the only arrangement like that Logan could have pictured prior was if Patton got a second borrower and had them share an enclosure.
“Yeah! It’ll be fun! And I...I won’t lock the enclosure anymore. It’ll just be your room. I could...I could even move it into the guest bedroom, if you wanted more privacy.” Patton suggested. He wanted Logan to feel as comfortable as possible.
“There’s a guest bedroom?” Logan seemed surprised by this knowledge.
“Yeah! We like to have it in case any family or friends come over. Although that rarely happens and we mostly use it for storage.” Patton laughed, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. “But we can turn it into your room if you wanted!”
“I do not require that much space… the privacy might be intriguing but it would likely be most convenient to stay here, if I’m not intruding.” Once again, Logan was at a loss as to what to choose.
“Of course you’re not. Like I said, it’s all up to you. I’d be happy to have you stay in here with me.” Patton grinned. In fact, he was happy Logan wanted to stay at all.
“This is… a lot to process.” Logan admitted. “Change can be overwhelming. For now, I think it would be most ideal to stick closely to the routine that was in development.”
Patton slowly nodded. “Okay. I think we can do that.” He grinned. “Did you want to watch another movie?” Patton suggested. “One without borrowers acting as pets?”
“That would be acceptable.” Logan agreed. “Although preferably one with a more intriguing and believable plot.”
Patton chuckled. “I...think I might know of one.” He searched netflix and chose Big Hero 6. He grinned and pressed play.
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When Virgil got back from his second exam, he was ready to never go to school again and to stay in his room forever. The test had been hard and he was just happy it was over. He went up the stairs, hearing the sound coming from Patton’s room and smiling slightly at the tell signs of Big Hero 6. He rolled his eyes fondly before entering his room.
“Roman, I’m back.” He said as he set his bag down by his desk. He looked into Roman’s enclosure. Frowning when he didn’t see any lights on. “Roman?” He pushed the button to unlock the house but instead, he heard the click of it locking. His eyes widened.
He hadn’t locked it before he left.
Worry coursed through him and he unlocked it again and opened the enclosure up. “Roman? Come on dude, where are you?” He looked in every room, even took a peek in the bathroom despite himself but there was no one there.
Had...had Roman actually left. Even after he had promised? No...No, maybe Roman was just with Patton? Yeah, that had to be it! Patton must have come in and offered Roman a chance to get in on the movie marathon him and Logan planned on having. He’ll walk into Patton’s room and Roman will be there. Virgil was overreacting, as always.
But when Virgil went into Patton’s room and looked around, the only borrower he saw was Logan.
“Kiddo?” Patton asked, gaining his attention. The movie had been paused and Patton was now focused on him, eyebrows furrowed. “What happened? Is something wrong?”
“I…” Virgil ran a hand down his face. “I think...I think Roman is gone…”
Patton blinked. “W-What?”
“Gone?” Logan furrowed his eyebrows. “Gone...where?”
“I don’t know!” Virgil admitted. “I-I forgot to lock his enclosure but he had promised that he wouldn’t leave and now he could be anywhere and-”
“Whoa! Kiddo, calm down.” Patton interrupted, standing up and placing a comforting and grounding hand on Virgil’s shoulder. “Maybe he just decided to take a walk around the house?”
Virgil let out a deep breath. “Y-Yeah...maybe.” That could be it.
Patton nodded. “We’ll help you look for him. Right, Logan?”
Logan paused, suddenly remembering the brief and confusing interaction he had with Roman earlier in the day.
“Do you want to get out of here? … You, me, freedom… we can live our own lives, away from all the humans…”
Logan felt conflicted. On the one hand, Roman was quite obnoxious and he didn’t owe Roman anything. On the other hand, Patton was beginning to prove himself trustworthy but he was still human. Should he tell Patton what he heard? But wasn’t it cruel to drag Roman back here if he wanted to go? Patton had been willing to release Logan, and just because he was incapable didn’t mean Roman was- in fact, Logan felt almost a bit hurt Roman hadn’t brought him along because Logan would have wanted to be a valuable ally.
When Patton didn’t hear anything, he turned to look at Logan. “Logan?”
Logan jumped, realizing he had forgotten to answer. “I don’t see how I would be of much use.” Logan decided. “You two can certainly cover more ground than myself.”
“True but you are the only one of us to be able to fit in places Roman would be able to fit in.” Patton said. Virgil, for his part, was bouncing back and forth on his feet. He was both impatient and panicking.
“I’m going to start looking.” Virgil announced and went back to his room to scope it out. Patton wanted to help but he turned back to Logan first to see what he would say.
“I can certainly investigate where you see fit.” Logan agreed hesitantly, feeling uncertain if he had a moral obligation to ‘out’ Roman should the borrower be found. “But I still see little to no point.”
Patton smiled and held out his hand for Logan.
Logan climbed on, wondering why he felt such a pit of dread in his stomach. He hoped Roman would remain undiscovered so Logan wouldn’t have to make a decision.
The three searched the entire house. When Virgil found no sign of Roman in his room, he scoped out the rest of the second floor, Patton sticking to the first. Logan helped a little with places like underneath the couch and behind the bookshelf but still, Roman wasn’t found.
It had been hours at this point. The sun was starting to set and Virgil paced back and forth, pulling at his hair in worry. “Where could he be?! We searched the whole house and he isn’t…” He wasn’t here.
Patton frowned and looked around. “Do you think...he got outside?”
Virgil snapped his head over to Patton. “I...well, I mean, if he isn’t in the house…” Where else could he have gone? Virgil’s heart fell as he realized Roman really did escape. Breaking his ‘promise’.
...Could Virgil really blame him though?
“Maybe he’s still near the house? We could look outside before it gets too dark?” Patton suggested and Virgil nodded numbly. He had a feeling Roman wouldn’t be found, though.
They went to the front door and Virgil cupped his hands over his mouth. “Roman!”
“How will we spot him in the darkness if he does not want to be found?” Logan asked quietly.
Patton bit his lip. Logan did have a point.
But Virgil just shook his head. “No, we...we have to find him. It’s...it’s not safe out here.” There were a number of dangers, including other humans that could just up and pick Roman up and then Virgil really would never see him again.
“Come on, we’ll use our phone flashlights.” Virgil said, already taking his out and crouching to search through the bushes. Patton sighed but took out his phone, and started searching too, still holding Logan in his free hand.
Two more hours passed...and Roman hadn’t been found. The humans and borrower piled back into the house as night had fully taken over. Patton looked over at Virgil sadly as Virgil through his hair, pulling at it harshly.
“Virgil-”
“I just don’t understand. I thought we were getting along! Why would he...why would he just leave like that?” Virgil yelled, placing his head in his hands.
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Logan tensed, the raised human voice putting him on edge. “What… what gave you the indication you were getting along?”
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Virgil glanced over at Logan. “We talked, he told me things about his past...and we had fun playing games...at least, I thought we were having fun.” But if Roman had still decided to escape then maybe it had all been an act. The thought made Virgil’s heart drop.
“And when did all that occur?” Logan asked, trying to piece together the timeline to see where his conversation this morning fell.
“Last night was when we talked. Earlier today we were playing uno and talking a bit more.” Virgil revealed. “Which is why I’m so confused. Was Roman just...acting then?” Could he even believe anything Roman had told him? But...he had sounded so sincere.
“I’m so sorry, kiddo.” Patton said, placing his free hand on Virgil’s arm.
Logan bit his lip, uncertain. It was clear Roman was an excellent actor, given the performance he would put on for the humans versus when they were alone. Not to mention, he had a habit of making some jest at Logan and then turning around and acting all innocent to cover up. Logan didn’t know what to believe about his fellow borrower.
“I think...I think we should head to bed. It’s getting late.” Patton suggested gently but Virgil still whirled around to him, eyes wide.
“What? No! We have to keep looking!” Virgil tried to pull away but Patton held onto him.
“Virgil, it’s already late. I hate it as much as you but there isn’t anything we can do. Not at this hour. Maybe in the morning you can call the shelter?” Patton said with a gentle smile. Virgil stared at him for a moment before deflating.
“How do you even expect me to sleep?” He was still so worried.
Patton winced. “I know but...please just try? You won’t find him if your exhausted.”
Patton, of course, had a point but that didn’t mean Virgil liked it any better. But he sighed and gave in. “Fine. But I’m getting up early.” Patton nodded. That was fine by him, as long as Virgil got a few hours of sleep.
“Alright, goodnight Virgil.” Patton said, before heading up the stairs with Logan in hand.
Virgil thought about following him up but he glanced towards the living room he was in. It...was possible they could have missed a few places? Virgil took out his phone flashlight, silently apologized to Patton and proceeded to continue his search.
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