#sometimes u gotta throw ur thoughts to the void

[tossed-bricks]

Been having a particularly fun time lately with people telling me rlly conflicting things they thought or assumed about me since they met me in September. All my uni friends keep telling me rlly weird conflicting opinions. I’ve had ppl tell me they thought I hated them bcs I’m hard to read w/ scary vibes, someone else was FLOORED and said I was so happy and welcoming they couldn’t believe it. Got told today several ppl thought I enjoyed being teased or lightly bullied/made fun of and had to be like well. No. I’m usually actually panicking or in a mild fight or flight when you tease me. I’ve heard that I’m scary more times than I can count but I get that bcs I have a lot of eyeliner and a miserable resting face. I’m just so confused on who people think I am because I think I’m as clear and open and honest about myself as I can be and I just don’t get where the confusion comes from

#brick tossed #ignore I’m just rambling. I’ll delete this later I just wanted to complain #sometimes u gotta throw ur thoughts to the void #I’m just so lost #idk what I’m doing wrong #and ppl keep treating me like I’m stupid or need protecting bcs I’m autistic #I go to the club w my friends and get asked every five minutes #while actively dancing #if I’m ok and need to leave and if the sounds are ok #like!!!!!! I’m ok!!!! I’m fuckinf dancing!!!!! #I just don’t know how I could be more clear to the ppl around me but somehow nobody like. gets me. or trusts me

[mariska]

hello world i am awake and have my first dose of daily medications in my system and thus have a lil bit of energy at the moment to just Type My Thoughts Out Into The Void On Here. so here is my non internet/social media life update for all of u today:

later in the day i am finally gonna be able to meet/hang out with one of my longest exclusively internet-based friends of mine after a little under 10 years of us being friends!! im so happy + excited for it but i still have some chores and last minute cleaning stuff i gotta do before he gets here, hopefully waking up a lot earlier than i usually do will give me whatever time i need to finish my part of the household preparations 😅 but yeah!!! he's a mutual friend of both me and Eli (obviously, would not otherwise just be like. hey Eli this person u dont know or hypothetically arent friends with actively is also staying at the house while ur here get used to it HFSGSHSCGSF) and we've been trying to put together some kind of non-internet hangout trip for years and it just didnt work out until this time around.

right before the first global shutdown covid wave back in early 2020 the three of us had been trying to plan a May hangout together that we called "superbirthday" (cus my birthday is may 6 and my friend Jon's, person who is coming here 2day, has a may 26 birthday, so the 20 days in between both our birthdays is 'superbirthday' celebration time 😌✌️) so im like. beyond excited that we've all actually been able to make it happen for real this time!!

i've met up irl now with quite a few of my good friends who were people i originally met online in some way but it's still so surreal in a happy way whenever that happens again. me and Jon originally became friends through the Gmod server "Gmod Towers" (which doesnt even exist anymore it has its own separate game that both me and Jon actually contributed to the fundraising campaign for the devs to develop yrs ago) in like. fall of 2014, if u never played on it back then, it was a really chill fun virtual hangout server world kinda similar to like....imvu/second life, that kinda thing, but on a much smaller scale than either of those and with most playable characters taken from like, the general Gmod Valve Game Character Model List. it was styled like a resort type hotel with different areas of the map having different activities u could do with friends or anyone else around, there was a mini games section and a big hotel lobby where a lot of people just sat in groups and talked with their mic headsets and a hotel room area that saved whatever interior decor u set up in ur room, u could watch youtube vids on a virtual tv and throw parties for the server to come join and be goofy at....Good Times.

ANYWAYS all of that to say, as awful as the general internet experience can be like all the time forever especially in more modern yrs, im really grateful that in my life i've been able to make such meaningful connections and friendships with people online, sometimes in niche lil corners of the internet with dedicated fan followings like Gmod Tower!! i say it irl all the time to ppl but the internet truly Was Not One Big Mistake despite the increasing chaos of the whole big picture concept, being someone who is disabled and had to drop out of school at 14 to quite literally keep myself alive and keep my body/brain from totally failing on me, i genuinely don't think i would have many friends if any at all if i hadn't been able to connect with people online, especially with my Agoraphobia making it very difficult to like. put myself out there in the world.

....yeah! so. thats what i am up to currently. and yes we WILL all be playing Kirby Air Ride for the Gamecube on my Pink Disney Princess TV as a Superbirthday™️ activity. for ur information.

[thetypingpup]

tysm for answering my questions!! tbh i asked cuz i'm goin thru my own bouts of insecurity. my imposter syndrome is so severe i still think every like/reblog/follow i get is a bot, someone is playing a joke on me about anyone rly reading my stuff, much less liking it

omg that's so wild that u feel like ur not a big writer or that ur fics go unnoticed t-t i think ur such a good writer, such amazing prose, so many amazing ideas

and tbrh i think a lot of writers feel what u feel. i rly feel it sometimes. feeling like, how come what i write doesn't seem to have anyone into it?? are my kinks/tastes that rare/boring/weird? rly??

for me yeah some things i just can't write cuz either i have no interest to write it or it's something I don't think i can write well and like, that's ok. i used to wonder if I should write stuff I'm not feeling but tbh i just can't. gotta have passion to get me going. keep doing u! u've got readers who love ur stuff!! better to get readers who get u and ur passions than to write things u don't like imo!! <3

it's been like that in whatever writing sphere i'm in. in the fandoms i write for on here, i have a certain amounts of followers and get a certain amount of notes, and my moots get way more notes and have way more followers. i used to be caught up in that for a while and admittedly it took me a long time to get out of it. it's easy to get caught up bc i would watch damn near everyone around me get hundreds or even thousands of notes, and meanwhile i was lucky if i broke 300.

the other part of it is for me, i've always found that the more effort i put into something, the less notes it gets. the "how dream would eat pussy" post is the highest amount of notes i ever got, and admittedly that was me halfheartedly throwing thoughts together. meanwhile in the years i've been on here, i never even made it to 600 before. the only reason i haven't deleted it yet is bc of the amount of notes it got bc i've never gotten that much before and i just keep it around to remind myself that it's possible. but honestly it's always been like that, where the work i actually like and put a lot of effort into doesn't get much interaction, but the random bullshit i scribble out and frankly don't really care about and lowkey wanna delete gets all the notes. it's been like that for years i just had to begrudgingly accept it. as long as i'm proud of it then that's all that really matters, and of course i can keep reblogging it like "hey! look at this! i like this thing i wrote! please read it!" until people get sick of me 😅.

i 100% get feeling out of place based on personal taste and kinks and the like. i know for me, i look around like "oh wow, this is the wave people on, and i've very much not with that shit is something up with me?" y'all know me, my pet peeves and triggers get real specific and it makes it difficult to find stuff i can enjoy, so being surrounded by the opposite of what i want damn near all the time has had an effect on me i cannot lie. i always feel like i'm alone in my thoughts and what i like until i have people come in and tell me they resonate with what i wrote. that's the shit that keeps me going and reminds me that i'm not posting to the void and that i'm not alone, so to anyone out there, please interact with and talk to your local writers. you have no idea how much even something simple as some kind words or expressing interest motivates us. we need comfort and reassurance too 😭

at the end of the day it's always better to stick to what you're comfortable with, bc if you don't and you get whatever attention you're gonna get, at the end of the day you're gonna be the one unhappy and feeling some type of way and you shouldn't do that to yourself. i've done that, and i would end up deleting popular shit bc i wasn't satisfied with it, and that's truly all that matters. speaking of which, i gotta do another quality control purge see what work i actually still stand by 🤔

i can assure you that the people who do support you definitely aren't bots. they're people who genuinely like your work and wanna let you know how much they enjoyed it. cherish those. imo those comments and reblogs of people telling you what they liked about your work and why are always better than numbers. save them for when you have those days where imposter syndrome or insecurity pop up, to remind yourself that you're doing a good job and other people think so too. i'm wishing the best for you anon!