#something we're replaying just w/ a different cast

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

For the rare coherent, rational thought: it's pretty unlikely this is actually about him or even me. He's sure as fuck not helpin but it's just a smokescreen.

#i started spiralin pretty suddenly at almost two weeks since any interaction w/ him & w/ seemingly no trigger #unless we look outside the system. cause it woulda been a couple of days after we broached some things in therapy #n i don't know what it means but i don't like it #was just the general topic too close n triggered some kinda emergency protocols? we've mentioned it before w/ no issues #or was it that what we've assumed to be basically just speculation w/ nothing tangible is closer to the truth than we think #we can't assume anything til we have either smth tangible or actually remember things but #it's all blocked away #what changed? would pointing fingers at the wrong person have caused this too? #is someone tryin to tell us smth or is this a sign to back off? #we can't keep backin off forever we can't fucking live like this but idk what we need to do to get past that block #n i know we can't go digging it just triggers more defenses n doesn't even work #but it's driving me fucking insane #i keep wanting to watch some specific movies or shows to see if it'd trigger a memory but i know that's not even remotely safe #i don't know what to fucking do #do i ignore it? obsessing over the same things over n over helps no one but i got nothin else to go on from #some things in val that we don't.....recognize. it's not rly source him it's none of the other people he introjected things from #it's no one we remember. who is it? do we even wanna remember? #cause sometimes i look at the shit i say n see the trauma holder who Knows the one who can't tell n only talked about it once #something we're replaying just w/ a different cast #who's feelings are these? whose words is he repeating? #n then we have the fucking dreams we never talk about but idk if that's just cause we think about it so much #is it just all of the shit mashed together or is it a memory #or more just fragments of one anyway #spdrvent