#something that really shouldve stayed as a journal. but no she wrapped it up stuck a sticker on it and drew some nail polish on the envelope

[orcelito]

The good news: I will have Chinese food tomorrow

The bad news: I have to see my mom as part of it :[

#speculation nation #negative/ #i guess. i Am complaining. #i did agree to this. better to rip the bandaid off ahead of the family christmas. #but i havent talked to her since like... jeeze. i really think it's been over 2 years by this point now. #ignored all her calls and texts and Letters even #like what am i supposed to say? heyyy ma nice to see you (i guess). why havent i called? well uhhhhh #even in her letter she sent me it was essentially a nearly illegible journal she kept during a depressing as fuck time #something that really shouldve stayed as a journal. but no she wrapped it up stuck a sticker on it and drew some nail polish on the envelope #i am her child and yet she was using me as a therapist. venting things and In The Letter saying she didnt know why she said them #like. mom. you know you dont have to send me everything you write right? you know you can start over right? #but no she just writes with no filter. no consideration for me. #because she's a sad sad woman who sees her children as the only things worth living for #and i do say things. she doesn't fucking care about me as a person. #she just misses the experience of being these little impressionable people's Everything. #no one puts up with her bullshit these days and how sad is that? #so. well. that's the kind of reason why i havent talked to her. bc she's a fucking drain just to be around. #but shes my mother yada yada and something in me still feels maybe even slightly socially obligated to see her #really though i just want to see her Side of the family. i miss them. i haven't seen them in too long. #and in order to see them i have to see her. and i decided itd be best to see her ahead of time #so that family xmas is. at least slightly less awkward. hopefully. #what am i supposed to do if she tries to hug me or something? i dont want to hug her. #either she'll be all weepy that i havent been talking to her or she'll try to act like nothing's changed at all. #or maybe both. who knows. either way itll be entirely about her. as it always is. #i just need to make sure i dont end up alone with her #so long as my sister or grandma are there too she wont be As insufferable. hopefully.