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padfootastic · 1 year

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The fact that Sirius would use his animagus form in Azkaban is slightly hilarious to me, because like, did any of the other prisoners notice that there was occasionally a dog in his cell? I have no idea what the layout is or if the prisoners ever see each other (side-note, how are they fed? Do Dementors deliver meals? Do human guards come up for a bit with a Patronus to give them food? Is there a cafeteria where Sirius has to decide if he’ll sit with people he spent a war fighting against or does he sit alone because all non-Death Eaters think he’s guilty? Dying to know if Sirius and the Death Eaters would have to spend about an hour every day pretending they’re all civil with each other even though everyone clearly remembers Sirius nearly killing half of them because they have no other options really), but I always pictured Azkaban with cells that are in close proximity to each other, if only because it feels like the Ministry would make the prisoners watch each other be driven insane by the Dementors, further decaying the others’ minds, so like, surely someone saw the dog. If so, it leads to the interaction of “Black, you’re an animagus?! When? You’re barely in your twenties and there was a war, when did you have the time? Also, you’re not on the registry, that’s definitely illegal.” “What are they gonna do, throw me in Azkaban? I’m already here. Also, maybe you all couldn’t become an animagus in your teens, but I could.”

dude sirius in azkaban is such a huge Problem for me because we have absolutely no information about it other than it makes u lose ur whole mind and ok, on one hand i get why that is (to create such a fantastical, over the top image of this horrible, terrible place without going into mind details) but also. also!!! i just want all the mundane details ykno? everything you mentioned, i wanna know. it’s annoying.

i do think, perhaps bc of the movies, that maybe all the cells are just beside each other? like azkaban is a cliff, yeah? so the cells form a circle, all facing outward? in that case, they probably would’ve never seen sirius, esp if the place was all dark and shadow-y and stuff. and i can’t imagine someone finding out and not doing something about it? like idk what they *can* do but,,,just letting it be seems…weird. of course, it’s also entirely possible that most people inside *have* gone insane so it doesn’t even matter that they’re seeing a dog where there should be a person.

all of that aside, however, it is downright hilarious assuming all the occupants of azkaban having to socialise together for an hour when they get their designated ‘sun time’ in a day. they *have* to play nice, or else. and it’s even funnier when u picture the post-first war pureblood crowd in close proximity with all the criminals. low-key imagining bella, the lestranges, sirius, and everyone else sitting in a circle, drinking tea with their pinkies up and bodies stiffly held and barely concealed sneer on their face. ‘nice weather we’re having today, yes?’ ‘exceptional, exceptional’

and them finding out sirius is an animagus!!! it has so much potential for hilarity.

‘black, there was a dog in your cell yesterday.’

‘no, there wasn’t.’

‘i literally saw—‘ ‘—no you didn’t’

‘black, i know sanity’s the first to go in azkaban and eyesight the second, but i know for a fact i saw you turning into a huge fuckoff dog yesterday so. spill. what was that about?’

‘oh nothing, just you know, i’m an animagus.’

‘you’re a WHAT???’

‘when did you get the time?’

‘just because you’re an incompetent troll, rudy, doesn’t mean we all are.’

‘no, seriously, you’re like. a child. you’ve been in azkaban for years. how—when—‘

‘i’m just that good.’

#sirius black #azkaban #ok this is very random but i just. imagined rabastan as a middle aged dad? for some reason?#he’s the one saying exceptional exceptional #don’t ask me to elaborate on this i will not be able to #lowkey wanna do a series of ficlets on this now ngl #where it’s just all the inmates of azkaban having to interact with each other #like. reality tv style #dude it’ll be so hilarious can u even imagine?#pen’s notes #pen’s asks

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books-and-cookies · 7 years

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THINGS I HAVE LEARNED FROM GREY (PART 4/?)

1. Hello children, time for (my) emotional death. 2. I know it’s been a while, but guys. GUYS YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND THE TOLL THIS STUPID BOOK IS TAKING ON MY BRAIN CELLS. But I soldier on because I promised myself I would do this.

3. Anyway, back to business, our “favourite” completely functional *cue sarcasm* couple is discussing the damned dominant/submissive contract. I feel my sanity slipping away. I’m turning into Gollum. 4. I wouldn’t read through the contract again, even if I were faced with a choice between it and rabid dogs. I’m good with dogs. They’re my pals. 5. Christian mentions the “advantages of screwing a virgin”. I would like to kindly point Mr. Grey to the nearest cliff and tell him to go fuck himself. 6. Christian: “she’ll have the opportunity to socialise with other men? She’ll realise what she’s missing” – author wants me to feel bad for Christian and is desperately trying to make him seem deep-down-oh-so-desperate-for-love-and-feelings, and throwing his self-deprecation in my face, but all I feel is rage.

7. One of my “favourite” sentences in the original 50 shades - “get a grip Steele” – returns with a bigger vengeance than Die Hard, in the form of “get a grip Grey”. *looks to the camera like in the Office* *loses it* NO ONE FUCKING SAYS GET A GRIP 8. Sweet baby Jesus H. Christ I forgot about the e-mails and the changing of the subject in each one as if reply-to-sender is a thing of the extreme future, along with unicorns and U.F.Os with friendly aliens in them. 9. Christian: “I will collect you from your apartment” – obviously, what we’re meant to understand from this is that Ana is a keychain/small doll/cute mug/*insert object here* 10. Ana to Christian: “I would like to drive. Please.” – I mean. What. Um. You’re an adult woman holy fuckweasel 11. Ana: “I think we should stay in public.” Christian: “Do you think that will stop me?” – my skin c r a w l s this is so creepy ew ew ew ew ew 12. It’s been like 20 pages and for the life of me I can’t bring myself to give a shit

13. Christian: “Ana wants *more*. They always want more. All of them. What can I do about that?” – stop being a lil bitch, for starters. But seriously – abandon your life, launch yourself into space and start orbiting the galaxy. Humanity will forever hail you as a hero. Alternative 2: stop assuming women are unreasonable humans for wanting a loving, emotionally available relationship. Also, STOP BEING A LIL BITCH. 14. Author still feels the need to detail Every. Single. Thing. A character. Does. “I shower, I hit the gym, I eat this and that” fuck you I don’t care 15. Christian: “Before I leave, I stuff two condoms into the back pocket of my jeans. I might get lucky.” – this is the single most dudebro fuckboy thing I have ever read. 16. Ana does something, doesn’t tell Christian, Christian gets annoyed and (slightly) terrifying in his territorial-male fuckery – a summary of this series. 17. Christian: Ana no Ana: ANA YESSSSSSSS 18. This will never not be cringey and hilarious at the same time because it’s SO bad: “Next time you roll your eyes at me, I will take you across my knee.” Guys. Guys this is BAD WRITING. PLS LEARN. 19. “I’d really like to claim your ass.” – LORD HAVE MERCY ON MY SOUL AND BRAIN CELLS 20. “Your ass will need training.” – WHO APPROVED THIS INTO AN ACTUAL BOOK THAT PEOPLE PAID MONEY FOR JESUS 21. Christian: “receiving pain – it’s not as bad as you think; your imagination is your worst enemy in this” – how to excuse abuse in 20 words or less! 22. “caning hurts the most; we’ll work up to that” – what the actual fuck I had blocked all of this out 23. Ana: “You scare me when you’re angry.” Christian: “She’s here. She’s safe. She’s willing. Don’t blow it just because she doesn’t understand how to behave.” – I mean. Jesus on a cracker. You see how the author sneaked the “doesn’t understand how to behave” after the “she’s here and she’s safe” part? Trying to paint Christian as the worrying boyfriend doesn’t fucking work. Dude’s a psychopath.

24. “My god, she’s a good fuck” – the ideal man, ladies and gentlemen. Any takers? 25. “You’ve had six orgasms so far and all of them belong to me” – fyi, author, this is not sexy or romantic or sweet. I mean, her orgasms are her own. LITERALLY THEY’RE HAPPENING TO HER BODY THEY’RE NOT HIS TO TAKE WOW 26. Ah, rape/non-willing fantasies. I sure have missed these books. *contemplates burying herself in the ground and making friends with bugs and stuff* 27. The spanking scene is fucked up wowowowowowow 28. Friendly reminder that Ana’s roommate, Kate, is the sanest, most well-adjusted individual in this entire book series. 29. Ana is crying. Christian: “I’m sure I’m responsible but I have no idea why” – this would be hella funny if it weren’t followed by this cheerful sentence: “Is it because I hit you?”

30. ………………………………………………………

31. Okay so Ana says she’s rather he didn’t hit her again (A VERY REASONABLE REQUEST I MIGHT ADD), he tells her she wasn’t meant to like it (no shit, Sherlock). Ana: “Are you going to hit me again?” Christian: “No, not tonight”. So, um, this piece of shit utter mess of a human being gives literally zero fucks that she didn’t like it, that he hurt her, and has the audacity to excuse it by saying that she didn’t use the safe word and that she got wet while he did it. As if we’re able to always control our bodies, no matter what. WOW. The amount of fuckery in this book/series is sickening. 32. AND THEN 33. LORD HELP ME I WILL MURDER SOMEONE 34. He’s telling her that if she felt “demeaned, debased, abused and assaulted”, could she just pretty please, with a cherry on top, try and “embrace those feelings, deal with them”, for him? I SWEAR THIS SHIT IS WRITTEN DOWN IN A BOOK THAT SOLD FUCKING MILLION COPIES AND IS HELD AS A SYMBOL OF A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP. 35. How was this published. 36. TWICE

37. “Alaska is very cold and no place to run. I would find you.” – I want to say he’s kidding, but he’s really really not. 38. I need booze. 39. Chocolate. 40. A new brain.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker, Fifty Shades Freed masterpost

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