#so you can explain that without giving the impression a super bland and boring white bread design is the best you can do | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

merinnan · 4 years

Text

Time Raiders

Okay, pausing the DMBJ 2 watches to watch the Time Raiders movie instead! I've been told that the entire movie is basically one big crackfic & I want to see how true that is

- Apparently the only place I can find it is YouTube

- And we open with someone laying down cards which...seem to be making a qilin pattern. Okay.

- And now we're at the Himalayas, and it seems to be a bunch of white soldiers shooting people?

- Oh, this leader white guy has a classic villain look. I love the pocket watch, too

- Wait, he's supposed to be a scientist?

- He obviously hasn't read the Evil Overload Handbook

- And now this is giving me flashbacks to Xiaoge's first appearance in DMBJ1

- Ah, yes, I think this is the Xiaoge for this movie. Excellent.

- DUDES. You have GUNS. You were using them just before. Why are you now using knives only?

- I mean, it wouldn't do much better, because Xiaoge, but still

- This is A Look

- Finally, one of them uses a gun, and it's as useless as I expected it would be

- Ahahahah, omg, what he did to these two guys is hilarious

- That is a TERRIBLE hiding place

- Don't....don't leave him alive. JFC

- This flashback montage is super weird

- Look, I don't have a tattoo myself, but I'm pretty sure that that's not how you get tattoos

- And now we move to Wushanju

- Oh, I think it's Sanshu who's been playing with those cards

- ...you have got to be kidding me

- Really? We're really doing this?

- I guess this is Wu Xie, then

- What even did he just randomly put that mask on for

- That is NOT a newborn

- Awww, kid Wu Xie

- Yay, creepy old houses. And ofc kid Wu Xie is gonna try to get inside

- But that is a fucking massive lock

- Yes, of course, wrap the porch in giant fuckoff chains, but don't lock the front door. Why not?

- ....k

- Sure, that happened

- And bratty kid Wu Xie still pinched one of the medallions after all of that

- Okay, yeah, if you were a kid who had to go to a funeral every month, no wonder you'd be so bored at them

- This movie is all over the place in terms of timeline

- I think we're finally into the time period of the main story

- And it seems this one also has Wu Xie as having been an architecture student of some kind

- Oh, yes, that's exactly what you want to find while crawling through a tunnel

- WX: "Sanshu can never know about this. You didn't tell him, right?"

WM: *oh shit I'm screwed face*

- Hi Sanshu, I wonder how you got here

- I love that no matter what version it is, Wu Xie is a little shit XD

- ...Wu Xie. Moths. Light. No.

- Wu Xie gonna Wu Xie

- Wu Xie, what are you doing?

- OMG

- Sanshu, this is all your fault for never letting him in anything like this. He doesn't know not to touch

- Wow, that wasn't subtle at all

- That's some steampunky looking villain lair right there

- I love how the 'passerby video' getting screened fucking everywhere is just the movie footage of that scene XD That's some high quality passerby video with interesting angles

- That's an interesting drinking spot, Xiaoge

- I love that so far Wu Xie's instincts for everything is either 'touch it', 'wear it', or 'dismantle it'

- ....okay

- Yeah, I....I think this is going to be my reaction to most of the movie, tbh

- Although at least this whole magic Snake Empress and weird ancient technology/magic thing is more interesting than the bland het palace drama randomly dropped into the middle of DMBJ1

- Oh, finally, some product placement

- I was wondering what was taking it so long

- I love how all their desks and papers and such are inside what look like coffins, and then fold out

- Oh look, Xiaoge's sword is inside one of the coffins.

- And there's Xiaoge

- Hei Ye gave Sanshu the sword decades ago?

- lol, this is like some Sword in the Stone bullshit right here

- I love it

- a) Was all that really necessary

- b) wtf even is that sword?

- It's a really bizarre design, and surely being able to be moved like a mechanical device would weaken it?

- ...okay, that was a cute meeting, I'll give it that

- Love how the older guys are teasing Wu Xie in the truck here.

- Oh, Wu Xie's actually a psych student in this one

- And like, Wu Xie, how do you know Xiaoge was looking at his reflection. It's a window, he might have just been spacing out at the scenery

- You must have been paying a lot of attention to him to notice it was the reflection he was actually looking at, hmmm? 👀

- This is a cute Wu Xie, tho

- Yes, Wu Xie, despite your lack of modesty there I totally caught that you just called Xiaoge handsome

- WU XIE WHAT NO DON'T DO THAT

- Hahaha, Xiaoge had exactly the same reaction

- No, Wu Xie, it doesn't matter that you'd taken the ammo out, you should never stick the barrel of a gun in your face and look down it like that.

- Even if you're certain it's unloaded, you just DON'T DO THAT

- Wu Xie, lacking impulse control and survival instincts without Xiaoge and Pangzi since....forever

- (okay, lacking survival instincts was perhaps a bit too far, but still)

- I love Xiaoge's "omg what even are you" look at that

- This is a very talkative and open to talking about himself Xiaoge

- It's kind of weird

- lol @ Sanshu locking Wu Xie in the truck so he can't come with them

- I mean, really, does he actually expect this to work?

- He knows his nephew both likes and is good at taking things apart, after all

- lol, I knew it

- Oh

- Oh, that's not a good sign

- Even Coral's logo just screams 'villainous organisation'

- These mercenaries look like video game characters from like COD or something

- Oh hi, lady I presume is A-Ning

- I like the haircut. Looks kinda like DMBJ 1 Xiaoge's haircut, just with the fringe over the opposite eye

- Oh, there's that gratuitous boob shot that @thosch3i told me about

- I really don't see why it was necessary for A-Ning to crawl all over the truck like that when everyone else just walked past it

- There is some really nice scenery in this movie with all the mountains and cliffs and such

- "What I'm doing isn't about right or wrong, it's about how much" I like this A-Ning. She is refreshingly direct and mercenary

- Damn, I though Xiaoge was going to notice the drone. I mean, it's so close to them! He should notice it!

- Love Hendrix's surprised Pikachu face at recognising him, though

- I'm honestly surprised that none of them have looked in the truck at all

- I do appreciate that this movie doesn't even attempt to pretend that they're not tomb raiders

- And that they have no interest in preserving this place

- Because BOOM! Let's just dynamite our way in and destroy half the wall

- Oops, no floor there

- Hahaha, this tomb is a fucking platform game

- Lovely, a shootout in a tomb. Just what every good tomb raiding movie need

- lol, Sanshu

- Don't you ever ever again wonder where your nephew's little shit tendencies come from

- I think Xiaoge and A-Ning are the only truly competent people on their respective teams

- A-Ning, 'keep them alive' does not mean 'try to shoot one in the face at close range'

- That little boot knife is kinda cute, though

- Clever move, Pan Zi

- I love the Xiaoge/A-Ning fight. He really is the only one who could keep her distracted

- I'm impressed at how well she held her own with him

- IDK why he was holding back

- Also, Xiaoge participating in fight banter, no matter how minimal? Strange, but also kinda cool.

- I'm going to be giggling about that "Not bad"/"I know" for awhile, I think

- IDK how they had the time or the ability to stay still long enough to rig up that trap, I'm impressed

- lol, yeah, I didn't think that it would take Wu Xie long to get out of the truck

- I take back my earlier comment about it being too harsh to say that Wu Xie lacks survival instincts without Xiaoge and Pangzi around

- Wu Xie, there is not enough light down here for you to get good shots without your flash being on

- I know having your flash on is a BAD idea, but still

- You cannot be getting good photos in this light

- Why is Xiaoge separated from everyone? He jumped down with them

- I mean, it's good that he is, otherwise Wu Xie would be kinda screwed right now

- Huh, bats, there must be an actual entrance to this tomb, not just the one that Sanshu's team made.

- A-Ning's tiny baby drones are so cute

- The English dubbing in this is surprisingly good compared to the shows

- Yes, good, the staring is starting

- ...Wu Xie, you little shit

- He's so pleased with himself

- Xiaoge is so confused until he explains it

- OMG, a Xiaoge smile

- OMG A XIAOGE LAUGH

- Ah yes, multiple large tornadoes, a way to signify weird shit is going now

- And weird spinny planets forming an...energy grid of some kind?

- ...k

- The mini drones apparently only pick up on people who are part of A-Ning's team, I guess

- JESUS

- I mean, I had a strong suspicion that was gonna happen, but it still made me jump

- Xiaoge to the rescue!

- Damn, that sword is strong

- This tomb definitely has a spider colony, but given it also has a bat colony that doesn't surprise me

- Those are some creepy looking mannequins

- This set up looks like a game of Mouse Trap

- A game of Mouse Trap with fire

- That's actually a really cool way to light all the candles and lamps

- I'm impressed that none of the cobwebs have caught on fire

- Oh, so NOW you use your flash, Wu Xie. When the room is all well lit and you don't actually need it

- CREEEEEPY

- Wu Xie and his compulsive need to touch things

- Are all the puppets connected somehow, or are we gonna have spooky magical shit making them all come to life?

- Oh, the puppet band is like the bells, I guess

- Huh, it seems Wu Xie's the only one who got thrown into memories in these illusions, everyone else's hallucination still has them inside the tomb

- wtf, a lion is a weird thing to hallucinate

- Magic Zhang blood, go!

- IDK why he needs to cut himself for each person, though, surely one cut should be enough to get all the drops of blood he needs

- Good boy, Wu Xie, already so protective of his Xiaoge

- This really is a fucking platform game

- Guys, this is why you study up on the raid mechanics BEFORE you enter the instance

- Ahahahah, the music playing as Wu Xie basically dances with the sword trap

- lol, the look on Xiaoge's face as he realises Wu Xie is just...fucking dancing and taking photos

- And that it's WORKING

- OMFG, this is basically just a bizarre dance sequence

- I love it

- It's so stupid

- The puppets having fucking crossbows

- Because ofc they do

- Repeating crossbows

- ...k

- So now we have a room full of skeletons stuffed into cages

- Why not

- Ah, we're about to have bugs show up

- Excellent

- This is what I've been waiting for

- Let the hilarity begin continue

- Dude, you can quit right now as much as you like, but it doesn't mean you're going to be able to get out of here by yourself

- I guess this guy's gonna die now

- For the tropes are hungry and must be fed

- Much like the bugs

- Yep, here we go

- Hello, shibie, I've been expecting you

- These ones don't look as cartoonishly ridiculous as the ones in DMBJ 1, I'm sad

- OMFG, it's eating the shovel/pick/thing

- Okay, this is a good effort at cartoonish ridiculousness

- It's a lovely day in the tomb, and these are horrible shibie

- Poor Wu Xie, so shocked at getting slapped

- And yeah. Yeah, that's about the only thing you can do there.

- Only way to save the guy is to just give him a quick death so he doesn't suffer from being eaten alive

- They're lucky these shibie move so slowly. It gives them plenty of time to climb up onto those frames

- lol, weird bendy sword again

- Wow, good catch, Wu Xie

- Y'know, Wu Xie, it might have been more useful to give the knife to Da Kui

- And ofc Wu Xie falls down

- What is a DMBJ adaptation without Wu Xie getting himself into danger like this?

- That was so much wtf all at once

- First, an unbroken flute just, like, laying there on the ground

- Then, Wu Xie somehow thinking that playing it would save him from the bugs

- Then that WORKED

- He's like the fucking Pied Piper of the shibie

- What even is this movie

- Haha, the little OK sign he flashes at Xiaoge

- The wtf look on Xiaoge's face

- Same, Xiaoge. Same

- I love how everyone just. Accepts it & congratulates Wu Xie on being an awesome flute player

- But then ig what else are you gonna do?

- It's like, well, this may as well happen

- Sanshu's team really likes using grenades, huh?

- Well, it does work pretty well!

- See, Wu Xie, this is when you need to summon your bugs back

- On a completely different tangent, I cannot get over how weirdly the subs translate men you ping. I had to look up wtf shtum was. I've never come across it before. Is it something more commonly used in the US or something?

- Xiaoge, when you said you had a better way than digging under the door, I didn't think you meant just BATTERING THE FUCKING DOOR WITH THE SHOVEL

- Oh, no, it's with your sword

- Because the best way to look after a sharp blade and keep it in good condition and keep a good edge is to...hack at rocks with it

- Ofc

- Why didn't I think of that?

- OK, ig fucking up your sword's edge did actually work, there's now a giant-ass hole in the door

- This is serious Day After Tomorrow vibes here

- Ah, yes, giant lightning strikes that cause so much force to travel through the earth that they can semi-collapse a tunnel deep underneath a mountain

- Just your usual tomb robbing dangers

- Physicists and meteorologists would have a fucking field day here

- Ah, I see we're at this level of the platform game

- With the collapsing floor you need to get across without falling

- Okay, that's really kinda sweet of Wu Xie here. He thinks he's likely to die, and the most important thing to him is giving Xiaoge the pictures he took of him so that he doesn't lose all his memories

- And aww, Xiaoge's so worried about him

- Like, I'm totally understanding why the transmigrated Wu Xie in that fic looked at these two and went "wow, we're so gay in this timeline"

- Even the music in this scene is shipping it

- Romantic line, and dramatic fall through the floor. Yep.

- I'm amazed he survived that fall, but it's Wu Xie, and he can't die

- ...yes, ancient Persian architecture totally had anachronistic technology. Sure. This is definitely like that

- omfg, they're statis chambers

- 2000 year old stasis chambers

- Guess they're not worried about catching Sanshu and his team to get the key anymore. They've been kinda sidetracked

- Side quests will do that

- ...plant golems

- "Don't shoot the thing that's in the process of murdering your friend! You might damage my research project!"

- Ew, that's not a nice death

- Yes, good girl, A-Ning

- That thing was just gonna kill your whole team otherwise

- ...how did that laptop survive the blast enough for Wu Xie to be using it with no problem

- That's one tough laptop

- Where do I get one?

- And hey, I guess the one Chinese guy with A-Ning isn't actually one of her people, since she just, like, left him there 🤣 In the room with a plant golem 🤣 That she then threw a grenade into 🤣

- ...omg, that's meant to be Pangzi?

- I was wondering why no Pangzi in the movie. I guess 3/4 of the way through isn't too late to properly intro him

- Ahahaha, Wu Xie actually thinks his bluff was super successful when there's a plant golem behind him

- Xiaoge to the rescue again XD

- lol @ both Pangzi and Wu Xie using Xiaoge's sword as a restraint

- ...surprise A-Ning! I wasn't expecting her to actually come back

- And she's somehow lost all of her guys

- That's a lot of snakes, but I'm more interested in where all the water is coming from and why you can see the sun behind those shelves

- Given how deep under a mountain they're supposed to be

- I do love competent, pretty girls wielding huge fuckoff guns

- This door mechanism is so intricate (like the key/timer). So ofc I'm sure they're going to destroy it all

- Because that's how tomb raiding movies go

- Introduce a tomb with intricate and complex mechanisms far in advance of anything else known to that time period and civilisation, and then destroy them in dramatic fight and escape scenes

- OMG the floor is lava

- Of course there's lava as well

- Oh, and it seems it's now all open to the sky

- Ig the lightning which could mysteriously exert high levels of force must have smashed through the mountain and very neatly cleared it all way so that this part of the tomb and only this part of the tomb is now open air

- Wang Zanghai wishes he could go this extra with tomb building

- And now Xiaoge being super extra to get across the destroyed section of the bridge

- So this dude is gonna wake up just before Xiaoge gets there, isn't he?

- And we're going to get an epic swordfight between them

- At least, it better be an epic swordfight

- Otherwise this buildup will be very disappointing

- Ah, yes, good, there we go

- And all the plant golems are also waking up

- ...along with a shitton of snakes

- OMG the snakes have arms

- The snakes

- have arms

- OMG Xiaoge's sword is doing what now?

- That's almost as ridiculous as the snakes with arms

- It's like a sword designed by a 13 year old weeaboo boy

"it's gonna be ancient, and super strong, and nothing will ever make it blunt"

"okay, seems like a typical magic sword so far, that's fair"

"and you can bend it at right angles"

"...you can what"

"and when it's bent at right angles, you can make it spin really fast and still use it like a proper sword"

"...it what"

- ...the Snake Empress is reforming in her armour as thousands of little vines all coming together

- k

- Sure

- This may as well happen

- And her armour has boobplate, because ofc it does

- Oh, she ain’t happy that Xiaoge just killed her plant golem boyfriend

- Her aesthetics are hilarious

- It's part Queen of the Damned, part Little Shop of Horrors

- Okay, snake lady, your worms might change the world but honestly I think that lightning would be more effective if you could control it

- Sanshu and co just randomly walk in through another entrance

- Oh, and there's the rest of A-Ning's team

- I want the story behind this A-Ning and her team. The way they all call her captain, and follow her without a second word, and are so genuinely happy to see her. This isn't just a throw-together team, or a team that Hendrix put together and put her in charge of. This is her team, and there's an obvious history between them

- And snake lady is suddenly not looking as pretty as she was, for no discernible reason

- One minute she's jumping around, the next she's all pale and falling apart. At least her face is

- It's like she's decomposing throughout the fight

- And here come the snakes with arms

- They move just as slowly as the shibie in here do

- They jump pretty fast, though

- RIP the next member of Sanshu's team

- Yeah, machine guns aren't that effective against regular snakes, let alone magic snakes

- And the plant golems are here

- RIP more of Sanshu's team

- Ah, the little snakes with arms are all grown up and off to conquer the world

- ...omfg Pangzi

- And this time it's A-Ning to the rescue

- I love how quickly Wu Xie and Pangzi fall into the dynamic of a pair of clowns, regardless of adaptation

- RIP Harry. You went out like a badass

- Oh wow, both teams are having some fucking epic sacrificial deaths in this fight scene

- I like

- And more cute pingxie, this time in flashbacks

- lol, clearing out plant golem conversion by pure force of will

- ...and channeling blood down the grooves in the sword blade apparently...makes it sharper?

- At least, it couldn't cut through the vines before, and now it can

- That's not how magnetic fields work

- Ahahaha, Wu Xie pulling out his flute

- He's gonna pull that Pied Piper shit again, isn't he?

- Here come the shibie, come to nom on plant-snake-lady flesh!

- She's having just as much trouble with them as everyone else does

- Because it's a lovely day in the tomb, and they are horrible shibie

- Wow, she hits hard, she knocked Xiaoge like halfway across the chasm

- Good thing there was a random broken pillar there

- Are they getting obliterated?

- Ah, no, they're getting sucked up by the wind

- Shibie-nado!

- You know, I kinda like how bad Wu Xie's English is compared to everyone else who's spoken English so far

- It nicely demonstrates who speaks it a lot and who doesn't

- Aw, Wu Xie, you're always so optimistic when you're baby

- And it actually worked. I'm impressed.

- Oh wow, A-Ning, that's some character development right there, caring about right or wrong instead of money

- Nice Pangi & A-Ning dynamic in this movie, given how they usually hate each other

- This is definitely the final level of a platform game

- Hahah, the two teams now

- Awwwwwwww 😭

- I think this is the first time I've seen Wu Xie rescue Xiaoge rather than vice versa

- "I regret not locking you in the truck myself"

- Sorry, Xiaoge, I don't think you'd actually have much more luck with that than Sanshu did

- Xiaoge, you really should have been more careful there, you almost did low Wu Xie

- Good thing A-Ning was close by!

- ....the sword...is being used...as a boomerang

- wtaf

- Hahahah, the snakes' death throes, omg

- lol what even was that ending

Overall: This movie was just one long DMBJ PingXie AU crackfic, and the author didn't know how to end it so just...didn't write an actual ending. That's the only way I can explain it.

#dmbj #daomu biji #time raiders

29 notes · View notes