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disaster-fruit · 3 years

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could you tell us more about the brarg family au with the 3 babies and trans luci?

I definitely can! This au has been living rent free in my head since i started that drawing and I was actually sketching more stuff for the AU right before I got this ask so- I definitely can ramble more about it

This was supposed to be just a collection of a few hcs and now it’s a multi-pages word document the size of a fanfic so – Im really sorry.

I didn’t think a lot about their backstories tbh, though I have it in my mind that Luciano transition in his late teens and that he and martin either met after that or knew each other before luciano came out, lost all contact, and then met again after (and you can blame oxiosas fic for that yeah im not even subtle)

But I imagine them having some sort of meet cute and kinda progressing really fast in their relationship without realizing – yk, its just a fling, no big deal, yeah ive met his parents, yes I basically spend every weekend in his apartment, yeah I have a spare key now, ops I guess we’re adopting dogs and plants together- oh I think we’re married. Yeah. We’re married.

Ok but for real Luci does the proper proposal-with-a-ring-and-knelt-down-on-a-special-day thing and Martin is just bright red saying yes over and over again

It is Afonso (port) the first to be all WHERE ARE MY GRANDCHILDREN like… the night of their wedding.

They live in a house in a not too big city with two dogs, one cat, one parrot and all the birds that Luciano feeds and names that aren’t actually theirs. Still, they choose the house with two spare rooms because they always talked about having two kids.

In this AU they can buy a nice house and don’t have to worry about money and can raise kids like the world isn’t ending.

I think right after they got married they got in line for adoption. However, everything indicated that it would take a long long time so they started talking about the possibility of trying to have a biological kid. I think luci was the one to suggest it when he noticed martin had been thinking about it but not saying anything for a while.

Lots of boring doctor visits and confused doctors looking at luciano and trying to process it like the dumb cishets they are. Boring exams and all that, but everything is on track eventually, luci pauses his hrt and keeps his jockstrap on the drawer and they’re googling the best positions for fertility on those weird cishet sites and doing it like bunnies etc etc

Getting pregnant the natural way after years of testosterone is not the easiest thing in the world, so it takes a while. But eventually it works.

Both of them are kinda freaking out with this whole first pregnancy thing. Martin is the ultimate protective husband, and spends way too much time on the internet finding out what luciano can and can’t eat, what exercises he should do, and going to every single doctor visit. He’s very committed to it.

Luciano has to drink non-alcoholic beer and hates life. There’s a single teardrop shed every time he buys it. And drinks a lot of lemonade like it’s the same as caipirinha. Poor guy. Martin doesn’t help on that, life isn’t fair, he buys his own beer.

But he also has to drive absurd lengths to find the weirdest fruit or make the most hideous, blasphemous pizza toppings because Luciano is constantly craving absurd shit. But poor baby actually really NEEDS that chicken M&M pizza at 8am.

They’re super proud daddies though, and both their instagrams at this point are just baby belly pictures. Luci had top surgery on this au on my hc so also. Lots of shirtless pics. He looks like an old uncle with a beer belly and he’s PROUD. Just. Baby bellies all over.

Martin picks the entire baby layette. Because of course he does.

Their baby shower is a huge deal though. Their dads are there, Antonio brings an entire trunk filled with diapers and tells everyone how many tincho used to need when he was a baby, Afonso is cooking for everyone and talking about how he’s gonna be a grandfather (!!!). Iracema (pindorama) is scolding Luci about his bad habits while also quietly being a super proud grandma. Zola (angola) bought toys because she knows that’s what kids actually like, Samero (Mozão) keeps asking if they installed all the necessary security stuff in their house – we will, chill, we still have some months to go – Vera (Tomé) is teasing Simão (Timor) about him no longer being the family baby, Fatima (g.bissau) is another one who bought a huge amount of diapers, Rosinha (cabo verde) is taking pictures of everyone and everything, Sebas and Dani are discussing if the kid should speak Portuguese or Spanish, Maria brought a huge pink plushy as a gift, it’s quite a party.

Once they’re late in the pregnancy, Luciano mostly spends his time on Martin’s oversized t-shirts asking for foot rubs and not getting much sleep because the baby keeps moving. Martin on the other hand is a little nervous about being a dad, but absolutely loves feeling the little kicks and talking to the baby all the time, except when its 3am and he wants to sleep but Luci cant because of it so he just does his best to keep him company. He mostly ends up falling asleep on his chest though and doesn’t help much

I wrote all of this but I still don’t have a name for the girl lol Anyway, she’s finally born, and if martin was overprotective when Luciano was pregnant, he’s ten times more with his baby girl. Tbh theyre both kinda going crazy with this whole parenting thing, both are overprotective, tired, and have no idea what theyre doing.

Zola and Sebastian are the girl’s godparents. Sebastian isn’t very good with kids so when he takes care of his niece he either puts on a tv show and lets her eat whatever crap she wants, or relies on Daniel to do the actual taking care, since he is good with kids.

Luciano and Martin are very much neurotic first-timers and have all this schedule of what their girl can eat and when and when she has to sleep etc etc.

When Zola takes care of her, she just ignores it and does it her way. She helped raised Luci since he was a baby anyway, he survived just fine and even married and reproduced, she knows what to do better than both the dumbasses, and they never even find out.

Afonso on the other had follows everything when he’s with his granddaughter, determined to be a better grandfather than he was a father, and the baby loves him so he’s doing a good job.

They’re a very cute family yes yes

She grows up well and happy, a bit shy maybe but very smart and sweet, loves the dogs and her aunts and uncles and granddads (afonso more than antonio though)

By the way, Iracema is soft like butter with her granddaughter.

When she’s about four or five years old they start talking about having a second one, considering the age difference and all. So back to doctors, Luci stops the hrt again and they go back to trying, but again it’s not the easiest thing in the world to do it naturally after years of hrt.

But god listens to the prayers of such good catholic family, and right after they start thinking about a second child, they receive the news they will finally get to adopt a baby.

Luciano is the one to receive the news, he’s working at home when the social worker comes to tell him they can finally adopt. He’s extremely happy, he hugs the poor lady and is barely able to concentrate as she explains the paperwork that is left and the details of it because he can’t stop smiling.

He immediately texts martin saying something like “CALL ME RIGHT NOW WE NEED TO TALK” and it’s in happy caps but martin understands it wrong and thinks someone is dying or dead but then his phone is what dies so he gets home as fast as he can thinking all the worst scenarios just to find luciano jumping on him with a smile for ear to ear. It’s such a shock he takes a while to react but when he does you have two idiots so happy they can’t function.

It’s another girl, she has big brown eyes like her sister and it’s a few months old.

They quickly reassemble the crib and paint the second room to get everything ready in time to take her home, and the next week or so it’s nothing but all the family visiting to meet their new baby.

Since they managed to adopt, they decided to stop trying to have another kid. Luciano goes back to the doctor do some routine exams so that he can go back to testosterone and the doctor just awkwardly explains that, well, that won’t be exactly possible. Not for the next eight months, at least.

He’s quite shocked at that, and takes him a while to tell martin. They just got a new baby and do they even have space to raise three kids? Eventually it just escapes from him and martin is shocked as well, but ultimately both of them are just worried about their place being too small, and once they relax about that they can’t shut up about having another baby on the way to anyone.

Still, it’s not easy to manage, martin is just as worried as he was with their eldest, except that this time he’s simultaneously worried about their new baby and about Luci’s pregnancy. Poor dude needs a break asap. So he’s trying to do most of the work of caring for a little baby to spare luciano from the stress, while also taking care of him as well as he did the other time.

Luci is more chill about being pregnant, he’s done this before, he’s fine. He’s even a little too chill about it, as shown in the art, he still wants to carry their kid on his shoulder and having a few sips of martin’s beer is no big deal and honestly he’s fine, he can help with the baby, and Tincho just needs to relax and it will all be fine.

Again, poor tincho needs a break.

Some things don’t change though. Them being super proud daddies who do nothing but take pictures of their kids and Luci’s belly every chance they get. And they’re really happy and excited to have their house full and this big family.

Just a good cute family AU where nothing bad ever happens thank you very much. Yet it took me almost 2k words to say it. I have no self control and I’m very sorry. However, if anyone has their own hcs to add about this whole au, I will be more than happy to hear and talk about this AU even more than I’ve already done.

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ankhisms · 3 years

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the always wonderful shelley @shanheling tagged me to do this thank u so much!! i think that everyone i wanted to tag has already been tagged to do this but if you feel like doing this feel free to consider urself tagged by me!! im putting this under a readmore bc its long and i ramble a lot

the piece i was tagged to explain my process on is this oc piece! unfortunately i have a habit of deleting my original clip studio file once ive finished my art and saved it as a new png file, so i dont have the file to show the sketch and different stages of this piece. but I still can go through my general process and talk about how i did that piece!

1. planning

honestly i think about the art that i want to do a lot, and in this last year or so ive thought about the art i want to do more than ive been able to actually create and finish that art that i want to do. for my planning i tend to do a lot of different thumbnail sketches for the art im thinking of

these are some examples of thumbnails, a lot of times ill do thumbnails just on pencil and paper and with some of these theyre done quickly with my fingers on my phone note function on a day where i was feeling too bad to get up and draw on paper but still wanted to get the thumbnail ideas down. two of these are for the same songxiao piece that i still havent finished and i have more thumbnails digitally on clip studio for the same piece, i do a lot more thumbnails when a piece isnt working the way i want it to and theres times where ill completely scratch a thumbnail or a sketch and start over in order to do more thumbnails because i dont feel happy with some aspect of it.

two of these are small gouche painting thumbnails for two pieces i did maybe a month or so ago, i did the thumbnails and then tried to expand on them digitally and im wanting to do more thumbnail paintings like this in the future because it was fun

for the piece of my oc trio it was based off a series of ask prompts i got for a few different outfit prompt memes i had reblogged, so i based their outfits on the ones in the meme. when im drawing figures i tend to try and get the movement down in the poses when im sketching, i do several rough sketches of the pose before beginning to start setting down lines (if im doing lineart at all because sometimes i dont like doing lineart and do a more lineless painting kind of style). i really try to get my art to convey some kind of emotion, in the oc piece i wanted it to feel fun and like youre seeing three best friends while theyre out on the town having a fun night

2. creating

this is the only real example i have of a piece in the middle of being filled in and created, this piece is one that im really not very happy with & have had lying around for a while and ill probably scrap it and try to come at it from a different perspective at some point. but anyway it still shows what i do, i lay down a kind of neutral gray color underneath my final sketch/lineart if im doing lineart in that piece and then i start picking out the colors that i want for the piece and kind of setting out a pallette for myself. i dont do this color pallette thing 100% of the time but i do it really often, especially if im working on a commission or a larger piece where i know theres going to be a lot of colors or if its a piece where im not sure exactly what color scheme i want so laying out the colors together helps me kind of decide what kind of scheme i want. i am sooooo picky about my colors in my art i am genuinely obsessed with colors in art and there are times where i really have to stop myself from working on something forever just constantly adding more colors or putting little tiny changes and gradients in the colors.

after ive got the colors i want down i tend to try and block out parts of the piece with the base color for that section, and then i start to paint with the colors that i want to go on top of that base color from there.

once im satisfied with the colors/shading/rendering and everything ill go back and look over things and will fix things that look off or sometimes completely redo segments if they dont look right to me. when i was younger and mainly doing digital art using my phone and my fingers i would use a lot of filters and overlays on top of my art once i was done, and honestly im glad to not be doing that anymore because i dont think it made my art look any better. i do color adjustments and sometimes will put on a color overlay or a layer to emphasize the shadows and the light in the piece, but i try to keep those layers to a minimum and like i said before i have a tendency to obsess over the colors and ill spend a good amount of time in the color adjustment tool of clip studio and then ill just decide "actually it looks fine as it is" so yeah!

3. posting

i feel like i dont have a lot to say here gbfm i mean i honestly have a lot of thoughts about the relationship between artists and social media and how social media changes our views on art including our own art and how we can feel like we constantly need to be posting new art and just become content machines churning out new stuff. but ill save that rant for another time. i used to be really concerned about how many notes my art would get when i was younger, and i dont at all blame anyone who still is very concerned about that bc it sucks when u work hard on something youve created and then you dont get a lot of recognition for it, but honestly within the last two years or so i feel like ive begun to have a lot healthier relationship with posting my art. i really just post my art on my art blog, reblog it to my main blog, and then thats that yknow! i do really appreciate any and all support people give me, it means the world to me, but for me having the mentality where i dont need to post all the art i make and i dont need to be posting every day or every week or every month even has been a lot healthier for me because then im not constantly asking myself why didnt this get notes is my art awful??? and yeah i just kind of post it and my brain goes okay were done with that art we gotta make more

ive honestly been struggling a lot with art thru the pandemic and if youre reading this and have been struggling with creating in any way recently or even before the pandemic, please know theres no shame in having trouble creating and it doesnt make you bad at whatever it is u create!

thank you for reading this, feel free to consider urself tagged by me again if u want to do this!! love u all

#showyourprocess #beep beep its a txt

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el-im · 3 years

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im putting all the things ive been meaning to write posts about into one single item because i am feeling Very Observed lately and i figure with it being as early as it is that hopefully this wont show up on some peoples dashes by the time they get around to pulling up tumblr today.

first of all heres a photo dump and some captions

from when i texted charlie my images of the sisko card, which i was really hoping he’d like

a smiley face on my coffee

i was gonna make a gender joke here bc the longer i looked at these before n after pinning back my hair pictures the more i was like ‘oh we just flipped gender presentation like a lightswitch huh’ but that was not funny and i am not funny and I wish i were but im not and its kind of a >:( fact thats been bugging me lately.

from mom, yesterday, who dropped off one for me, one for nick, one for mia, and one for abe. i was expecting this to be the only thing i got/heads up/message on valentines day but i woke up this morning to find that aub had sent me a playlist that i looked at but havent listened to yet (because im trying to order my responses to things in increasing complexity and time--i responded to the tik toks elanor sent me first, them had a look at the star trek document that joe sent me and commented on the questions he asked without giving away spoilers, and am now making this post, which ive been meaning to make, and will then maybe try to listen to the playlist and then respond to michelle’s email)

these are joes thoughts from some ds9 episodes. initially, i’d sent him a list of ‘best’ episodes (my favorites AND the eps i thought were most emblematic of ds9′s issues--bajor’s relationship with cardassia, trill relationships, etc) hoping that he’d be able to see the merit of the show, but he insisted on re-watching the first episode before he started working on the list because he’d only seen it once a long time ago, and then, after watching ep 1 and captive pursuit (with tosk) decided that he’d try to watch the full first season, especially after i expressed my dismay at realizing he wouldn’t get the chronological introduction to garak bc ep 3 wasnt on my list of best episodes. anyway. he showed me this list of written reactions after watching ep 1 and captive pursuit and it made me so happy he decided he’d keep doing it, which i insisted wasn’t necessary because it seems to me like a lot of work (and which i still feel guilty about) but he was like told me that he’d only seldom seen me as happy as i was upon reading that and it was something little he could do to foster that joy which.. makes my heart crack in two).

anyway. the real reason i started this post was because ive been up in arms for the past few days about mia and covid.

speaking of which.

baby ‘passed’ first covid test. that arrow on the side is the minimized player where im watching nemesis. hah.

anyway.

to make a longer story short, my (pregnant!!!) sister decided, stupidly, to go with her boyfriend abe, a sound engineer, to a broadcast stage he was setting up in california, because she has a liver condition that appeared during her pregnancy which makes giving birth difficult (which is emotionally challenging for her because she had always wanted to do an at-home birth without drugs) and in fact, is a condition which typically leads to the birth having to be induced early, which means, at this point in development, that she could potentially need to have the child at any time. she went with him because she didn’t want to be without him if the baby needed to come. she was there for a week, with the both of them feeling sick all the while, and then came home early without abe because she felt bad and wasnt having fun, eventually getting a ride from my mother (who lives with my grandmother and great aunt, 93 and 86 respectively) back home from the airport (she took a PLANE!?). anyway. at our insistence, she was tested the same day she got home. she was reluctant to do it because she ‘didn’t think she had it’ and figured that it was ‘just the flu, honestly’ as if she had any way of knowing that???? in the day she was waiting for her test results, she came out of her room multiple times without a mask on, walking around the kitchen or playing with the dogs, even though we told her to stay in her room (and had brought her food/hot tea/whatever else she needed). she had no reason to come out when she was 1. sick and 2. not quite sure if she had covid or not

anyway. her test came back positive so she was trying to ‘stay in her room’, which lasted for.. not even a day. nick and i, who hadn’t seen either of them in a week, but had been around each other, got tests. we (as pictured) both got negative results, so mia must have gotten it in california rather than from someone we’d all seen (like nick and mia’s dad or stepmother earlier in the month)

abe came home soon after and had taken two rapid tests when he landed, but then, when coming home, immediately was sitting in the same room as my sister, without a mask on. he slept outside in our ‘arizona room’--a screened in patio with a futon in it for the first night. when his results came back (as negative), he decided that he was fine to be in the house, so wouldn’t wear a mask in the kitchen or in the living room, (something nick and i both did) AND would also be in the same room as my sister for long periods of time. i’d like to think he was wearing a mask in there, but i can’t be sure. he was playing video games in their shared room where mia was watching tv, as long as he (AND I QUOTE) ‘stayed in his corner’. it’s a ten by ten room at most. there’s no way that staying in there, even with a mask on, for as long as he did was a smart option. so... to reiterate. abe was in a room with my sister, who has covid, for a long period of time, and then wouldn’t wear a mask when in the common areas that everyone uses. which is... great right

and the thing thats been annoying me for these last couple of days in particular, ASIDE from all the dumb shit they’ve done up to this point, is that mia says abe needs to bring her food (valid) and YET mia is always in the kitchen (which doesn’t make sense). i was in the kitchen preparing a meal the other day and she came out to refill her water. which, if abe was functioning SOLELY to bring her things, as she was insisting, would not have warranted her coming out of her room. it was the middle of the day. she could have said she needed water and left her cup by the door and i could have refilled it and brought it back.... but she didn’t. i was wearing two masks (a cloth one over a medial grade one) but was still wary about her being there--because I was making food. i told her to get out of the kitchen because she’d finished getting her water, but she said ‘just a minute!!’ and continued, not three feet away from me, trying to pick up one of the dogs and playing with her. i kept telling her to go back to her room but she was acting as though i was being rude and being completely unreasonable??? she takes every request we make for her to stay away from us as a personal attack, like we don’t want to see her or be around her, instead of us trying to protect ourselves from covid??

THEN the fun part is after all this, abe sets up an inflatable mattress in the office (which is :) right :) next :) to my room) because he decides he doesn’t want to sleep in the same room as mia (reasonable) despite having been occupying the same room as mia for hours (STUPID). so now abe is using the hall bathroom, which nick and i use/shower in/brush our teeth in. before, abe had been using mia’s bathroom off the bedroom, and, again, had been sleeping in there. so now, if abe DID catch it from mia, which is likely, at this point, he’d going to give it to nick and i.

nick and i were upset about this, and told mia last night that she needed to stay in her room. that was how people quarantined. that is how you quarantine. you do not leave your room for ANY reason, especially if you have 1. MULTIPLE PEOPLE CAPABLE AND WILLING TO BRING YOU FOOD AT ANY TIME OF DAY and 2. A BATHROOM THAT CONNECTS TO YOUR ROOM. she came out and started yelling at us about abe, though neither of us wanted to fight with her (and there was no reason to fight about something we were CLEARLY right about). she said ‘YOU CANT HAVE IT BOTH WAYS’ which meant that abe can’t not use the livingroom and the hall bathroom (which we were saying he shouldnt do) and that he can’t be in quarantine with mia (stay with her in her room) but the thing is.... BECAUSE he has spent so much time with her, and because they weren't wearing masks when they were outside and BECAUSE he spent hours playing video games in the room that my sister has been quarantined in for a whopping two days--he now shouldnt ALSO be using our bathroom, because now we can get sick. (and probably fucking will!!!!) she is having him now stay in the office and use our bathroom (GREAT) instead of just biting the bullet and staying with her because he ALREADY HAD BEEN staying with her

and now they are both in the kitchen :)! i can hear them from my room. great.

anyway here r some sketches that i never uploaded before cause theyre hideous but im putting here because i hope to fuck no one actually reads this/scrolls down this far

#captain's log #it does not compute to me #that you can just be this fucking stupid #i hate her #i am SO fucking mad at her about this i dont want to live here :)

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lebilliam · 6 years

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111 questions with @imaginationisendless3

001: What is your biggest dream? uhhh. that depends on how you define dream. im gonna go ahead and say that the dream is to be able to wake up and go to the airport and just travel all around and come back home to the same old home at the end of the day

002: What is the bravest thing you've ever done? this q is quite a doozy. i really dont keep track of this kind of stuff

003: Is it hard for you to show your feelings? hell ye

004: What is your dream job? What was your dream job when you were little? when i was little i thought looking at space and being an astronaut would be really cool but now its just being able to travel

005: What is your favorite sound? mechanical keyboard clicking hands down

006: Would you rather be in front of the camera or behind it? wait this q seems familiar but im gonna say in front

007: What do you notice first when you meet a new person? (Both in real and on the internet): what kind of memes they like

008: Is there anybody you *fully* trust?: sure theres a list

009: Do you like / love someone? If yes, who?: there was this cute girl once but i never mustered the courage to really talk to her rip

010: Have you ever received / sent hate? How do you deal with it?: i flame brian and logan all the time but i dont think that constitutes hate mail. tbh i dont recall an instance of being perturbed by excessive hate

011: What are you going to spend money on next?: food in martinique (or maybe some chacos here)

012: What are three things you never leave your house without?: phone, wallet, jacket

013: What is your favorite place?: ive had a lot of favorite places over the last few years but now that im being asked i cant recall any of them. all my favorite places have this one thing that i dont like about them and thats why i have so many

014: Do you sing and/or dance in front of people? nah not earnestly

015: Have you ever cheated on a test?: have YOU? i say i want to cheat on tests all the time bc itd be so easy but im just too lazy to enact a foolproof cheat strategy

016: What is your current desktop background?: last time it was a bunch of functional groups for Ochem, but now its specific reagents and pathways!

017: How would you describe yourself in 3 words? indecisive, unpredictable, decisive (i thnk)

018: What does make you happy?: honestly?? knowing im appreciated

019: What time were you born? uhh i dont know off the top of my head atm but i can check

020: Do you give second chances? Why? why the fuck NOT? well i say that but all the second chances ive given have been disappointments. trying to find someone to surprise me i guess? xd

021: Name your biggest turn ons and turn offs: serious turn offs are lacking empathy for the struggles of others (i say stop being poor ironically, but there are people who really dont get it which is scary to me). turn ons? Jacinda asked me this and my answer still hasnt changed-- the neck. i ALWAYS go for the jugular

022: When was the last time you hugged someone?: hmmmmm probably last month or so?

023: What is your favorite food? GOD dang it i know i say a lot of things are my favorite but now i cant think of anything. something im always down for is KFC though

024: Do you save money or spend it right away? FUCK i try to save it but money just has a way of leaving my hands

025: Do you have any tattoos? If yes, what are their meanings? If no, would you get any?: id love to get tattoos. sleeves and all those seem really neat but also i know im just rash with decisions like that sometimes

026: Name five things you find beautiful: ooo hair in sunlight, pure moments of unadulterated laughter, crafts that people work on, technology, and mechanical keyboards

027: What is your favorite clothing style? (Both in you and others): lately ive been joking about the CLOUT a lot with champion and supreme branded stuff but its ironic. tbh i like buttonups with nice colors.

028: How do you cheer yourself up? i slid into this girl’s dms with this very question and then i linked her a minecraft song parody so i guess minecraft song parodies and stupid things

029: Do you show affection in public?: i would IF I COULD

030: What is one thing you are looking forward to?: martinique, being refreshed enough to actually care about school bc this last semester was a shitshow

031: Have you ever been to other countries? If yes, where?: france, spain, italy, canada, (japan when i was uber young), vietnam, fircrest

032: What was the last lie you told and why? ill start on this at 2pm. i was still in bed at 2

033: Who are the people you can always turn to? mo, lo

034: Have you ever done drugs? If not, would you ever try them?: it sounds like itd be a cool experience but im also scared all of those horror stories where the drugs were laced with other stuff that turns you into a 4 year old

035: What is your favorite word? i think about the word obsequious a lot but i think my favorite word has to go to discord

036: Do you consider yourself a romantic? sure why not

037: What are 3 objects that are *very* important to you and why?: notes section in my phone ( i write a lot of my thoughts and weird dreams in there), my laptop ( i use it literally every single day), my dice ( bc dnd has been uber helpful to me and its a great pastime)

038: Have you ever met someone famous? If so, who?: nope! not special

039: What would you like to change, mentally and physically, about yourself? id like to start working out but i say that all the time. id like to be more dedicated to school stuff but honestly its whatever. idk jsut trying to be more confident in myself and smiling more

040: Have you ever won a contest/competition? What for? i won a smash tournament once and i got fourth or third in another one but that was a long time ago

041: What is one illegal thing you would do if there were no consequences? steal, armed robbery.

042: Who are your favorite fictional characters? borutos dad seems kind of cool, they should make an anime about him or something

043: Do you ever wish you were somebody else? yea i wish i was me but better

044: What is your favorite store to shop at? FUEGO and the runway fashion exchange and idk some other cool store but it doesnt come to mind

045: Do you want to have children one day? How many? How would you name them?: i think about it. having children would be cool but also NOT having kids would be cool

046: How do you cope with stress? How do you vent your anger? i say reee unironically but then it makes me feel better

047: What do you want for your birthday? honestly? lots of money but idk a new set of dice would be nice ore maybe a new computer

048: Have you ever had an imaginary friend? yea probably

049: Have you ever said "I love you" even though you didn't mean it? in the times ive said it i feel like i have meant it but you can never be too sure

050: What is the best advice anyone has ever given you? starting to write down all your feelings and stuff that happens

051: Do you have any regrets? If yes, what do you regret the most? not taking the opportunity to go to high school/ college early / skipping grades / trying harder on admissions tests

052: Do you find tattoos and/or piercings attractive? theyre pretty neat imo i like them

053: Do you want to get married? What are your views on marriage? marriage is such an old concept but also it seems kind of cool

054: Who are you most comfortable around? tbh its been myself for the last few weeks

055: What are you wearing right now? What do you wear to bed? i am wearing shorts. i try not to wear too much when i sleep bc i overheat but if i have someone else in bed with me ill wear a thin shirt and shorts

056: When is your birthday? feb 26!

057: What is love to you? love is being able to send memes to each other and being able to go from 2 blobs watching videos to a fancy date and

058: Are you a jealous person? i can be jealous if i dont trust whatever is happening

059: Would you rather go to a party or stay at home? hmm tbh id probably party if my friends were there or if not id stay at home

060: How many relationships have you had? quite a few

061: Are you a positive person? sure, i guess ;)

062: What kind of people do you feel attracted to? smart people who are smart but also dumb and cute

063: What is the longest time you've stayed awake? oooowee i think 21 hours or so?

064: Have you ever been told "I don't want to lose you"? yep! proceeded to then lose me!

065: What is your favorite genre when it comes to movies? action comedy

066: Do you collect anything? memories and dust and trinkets

067: In your opinion, what is your best quality? i can make you laugh

068: Have you ever changed for someone?yep! it happens and its sad but it happens

069: What is your idea of a perfect date? a date is the entire day, starting out with waking up next to the person, eating breakfast together, maybe do some errands / work out, netflix and chill, chill, go out for a nice dinner and night out, come back, netflix and chill, chill, go to bed.

070: Are you shy or outgoing? i would love to say im outgoing but idk!

071: In your opinion, what is the secret for a great relationship? surprises everywhere

072: Are you the kind of person who breaks rules? hm im sure i did at some point. maybe i still do?

073: Is it hard for you to trust people? yea it can get a lil hard

074: What does your dream house look like? fat front yard, lots of plants, lots of green grass

075: Do you feel attracted to people your age, younger or older? hmm im at the ripe age of 19 where options younger than me are a lil sketch. idk according to the historia older people have been quality

076: How much have you changed over the past year? a LOT boii

077: Longest friendship you've ever had? hmm about 6 or 7 or 8 years

078: Do you have pets? If not, what animal would you like to have? no pets, id love dogs

079: Are you left or right handed? ambidextrous

080: What talent do you wish you’d been born with? perfect pitch would help a lot with what i like to do

081: Where do you get motivation and inspiration? minecraft parody songs, also seeing professionals doing what they do

082: Do you know how to swim? If yes, when did you learn? yea, i learned when i was in bellingham and then i learned more when i was in kent

083: You are given one wish: What do you wish for? i wish for 100 million dollars with no inflation, no taxes, no debts, no one filing a lawsuit or slandering my name (this is all a part of getting the 100 mil. ive thought about getting money a lot)

084: Do you like to give / receive flowers? What is your favorite flower? i like giving flowers bc i feel like if i receive them, i dont know what to do. its now ur problem if i get you flowers

085: Would you rather travel to a cold forest or a warm beach? warm beach if its not in the early morning when the sun rises, otherwise, forest

086: What is one thing you can't forgive, that can destroy a friendship or relationship beyond repair? if u kill me i dont think i could get over that

087: What is the last thing you purchased? corsair mouse

088: Have you ever broken someone's heart? Ever gotten your heart broken? yep and yep

089: Have you ever cheated on someone? Ever been cheated on? no and yes

090: Do you believe in soulmates? uhhh its possible. theres 8 billion people on this planet, what are the odds that soulmates DOnt exist

091: Is there anybody you would do absolutely *anything* for? If yes, who? hmmmm not anything, but id do a fair bit for my friends

092: Share three facts about your life.: i like to eat, make friends, and travel/experience other cultures

093: Do you believe in love at first sight? i do, but most of the time it isnt reciprocated ;p

094: Would you date someone who smokes / drinks / does drugs / has a mental illness? yea, i dont see why that would stop me from dating them

095: You are given 15 minutes of fame: What would you do? ask for money

096: How is your dream partner like? shes funny, makes me laugh, smells good, etc

097: Would you rather commit to one person or have several relationships? id rather have several relationships so i know exactly what im looking for in a person.

098: What are some of your hobbies? league, hearthstone, watching people play league and hearthstone, french, etc

099: What kind of person do you want to be? i want to be the cool old person when im old

100: What did you have for breakfast? i had some vietnamese cuisine

101: What is your Top 3 favorite shows? What was your Top 3 favorite shows when you were a kid? the office is something i enjoy, mythbusters, uh scooby doo? idk

102: What are three places you *really* would like to visit one day? hmmm maybe the trevi fountain, il duomo, totally la sagrada familia

103: What was your last meal? What was your last beverage? breakfast, water

104: Who is the last person you had a deep conversation with? hmm probably anastasia

105: What is one thing that made you smile today? thinking about martinique

106: Do you like taking photos? If yes, what do you photograph the most?i love taking photos, but i never have subjects so i dont really take photos too often

107: Has anyone ever written a poem or a song dedicated to you? Have you? FHCk man i wish. wait there was a 100 things i like about you and i think about it all the time. i actually have written poems and stuff but tis been a long time and i dont think my creative juices are back from that yet (but trust me, it was straight fire)

108: Do you remember your dreams? If yes, what was the last dream you remember about?: i remember almost all of my dreams because i always tell someone about them and idk talking helps me remember things

109: If you could go back in the past, would you change anything? If yes, what? i would start learning things so much earlier and stick with theme

110: If you were given 3 million dollars, what would you do with them? invest 2 mill in the bank, get that monthly interest coming back in the mail, use that mill to pay off all my and my friends debts, live life the way i wished i could when i was little

111: What are a few facts about you that not many people know of? i like learning languages but its not profitable in this day and age i feel

'111 Questions': by Ira V. Simon (priveting)

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memedokies · 7 years

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(almost) every anon ask since fall 2016

if u havent noticed i am BAD at answering asks so here’s a Big Dump of most of the asks i’ve gotten in the past few months

ps; i’ve excluded pokemon suggestions bc i plan on getting to them at some point

Hihihi!!! What brushes do you use in fire alpaca?? i dont do much in firealpaca (esp not lately lol) but when i did use it a lot i just used the fill bucket and the standard/default brush to fill in gaps n such lol! i dont really draw in it, i used flash/adobe animate for the lineart and just fill in color in firealpaca :3

when did you start animating? uhh when i was around 11 or 12 when i started digital art i guess? i just used photoshop for the longest time then got flash when i was like 15 or so

How did you get flash? i got the creative cloud dealie, its technically required for my school :—-0

hello!! what are you majoring in in vcu?? im thinking about going there for college im in communication arts! omg cool lmk if u come here ill tell u where to get the best bubble tea

how many fps do you use for your wiggly animations? i work at 24 fps in flash on twos but just end up using photoshop’s 0 second frame delay/ “no delay”?

Hey love your animations! What do you animate with? adobe animate 2017! (previously flash)

You mentioned a YouTube channel but I can’t seem to find a link to it? Do you post processes on there? https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCovvoZxlQjFaIA7A3w_94Zw theres not much atm but i plan on posting a lot more, including process/speedpaints!

i really like your art style gosh darn!!! everythings so fluid and stylized and nice aaa (also ur animations are goals) do u have any tips for someone still developing their artstyle???? WAH TYSM!!!!! compile art you already like and incorporate aspects from their styles into yours, BUT dont limit urself to one style! if u like something then try it out! do straight up copies (as PRACTICE, DONT CLAIM IT as your own ofc) of stuff you like to see how they work and what you’re clicking with. spending time on fundamentals is MEGA helpful so keep going back to that too! USE REFERENCES!!! draw …from ur soul…what makes u ..FEEL good

how do you make that burn effect on your lineart? it makes it your pieces look sharper and even more interesting, it’s super cool!! when i used to use flash for lineart and firealpaca for coloring a lot, setting the lineart layer on BURN with the coloring layer seeping a lil past the lineart would get this effect automatically

(like on the whiskers. u can see it gets a brighter brown(?) and the warmer yellow on the ears)

but since then i’ve been using sai+photoshop more so i just do it manually! i’ll use this funny pic of me and my cat as an example lol

^i select the lineart/everything i want the funky color around

^slam that INCREMENT button a couple times

^make a new layer under the lineart

^fill that puppo with ur preferred color! something brighter works best, or even straight up white

that’ll give you something like this

then i open it in photoshop

and i mess with the pink line layer’s blending mode..color burn usually does the trick but depending on the Look you’re going for, saturation, multiply and overlay have some similar effects that look cool.

i also usually get rid of the outermost edge of pink line that’s visible around the lineart, just so it looks a little cleaner? to do that you just select around your lineart, increment/expand selection, and delete/erase in the selection of the pink line layer

uhh yeah! lmk if anyone needs clarification on this, i have some other #TIPS on makin ur art look crusty and funky so…lemme know if you’re interested :—3

What do you use to animate? And, a more specific question, how do you make transparent animated gifs? adobe animate 2017! (previously flash) i export my animation from flash as a png sequence then open it in photoshop, where the background will be transparent and save it as a gif from there nyaaa

if anyone needs more clarification lmk and i’ll make a proper walkthrough :-0

Hello!! Ur art is rlly pretty and so inspirational and nice to look at!! 💗💗 I was wonderin’ if ya had any tips on choosing shapes for characters? Like, when you draw shapes for a certain character, it looks rlly like it fits with the character’s personality n stuff!! ( e.g: Your Love Live! drawings!! The characters look so good in your style.) I’ve always admired how u did that n was hoping for some tips maybe?? Anyways, have a good day!!💛💖💟💜💝💞💖 HOOGA!! TYSM!!! and YEA you basically guessed it, i mainly just think about the character’s personality and translate that into a shape or Pheeling…

especially for anime characters i look at the Very Subtle differences in the character’s original design..or possibly canon implications…for example kotori has slightly different eyes (it also says on her wiki page she has soft droopy eyes!) so i make sure to incorporate that Detãile

anime wiki pages that have details like that is nice, for love live they have cute lil “charm points” which is really cool n helpful! listening to how a character is described in their world can give clues to what differentiates them which you can make more clear in your design

taking into account each characters context is good too, what they do/hobby/personality and how that could affect their appearance/posture/attitude

YEAH its really fun to figure out certain characteristics and make it evident in their appearance! or. idk thats just what i do lol. hopefully this helps!

Have you ever seen the anime jojos bizarre adventure? alas i have not..i have some friends whom are into it so i’ll prob end up watching it sometime lol

sorry if this is obvious but!! are you the creator of Fork and Knife: Food Fighters?? your gif of fork is super cute btw!! yes i am!! wah tysm!!

Hey my little sister found your animation on an online art gallery and she really loved it! omg cool, thanks so much!!

Your style is so lovely!! OHG thanks!

your blog is so precious i love it a lot! your art is so cute too ^u^ waa thanks!!

Your art and animations art really cool! Keep up the good work! You are amazing!! aahg thank you!! :’333

your art is fuckening amazing hh broe…tysm

Oh my gee, I used to follow you on Deviant Art, and now here I am, finding you on accident. You’re still as talented as ever. =w= b hUIOpugh deviantart, my homeland..my origin.. thank you!!!

- O mg I love your art! 💕💕💕 thank you!! heart emojis!!! 💖💖💖

- your art and animations give me so much inspiration, thank you! everything about your style is so fun and it cheers me up omg this validates my top tier goal in life, im so glad!! thank you SO much!

Your style is so charming and adorable ;__; thank you!!

ur art is so gross in the best way possible this is the biggest compliment ive gotten thank u so much. i love making gross squishy awful drawings

IM SO HAPPY I FOUND YOU!!!! IVE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU FOR AGES!!!!!!!!! I LIVE FOR YOUR BEAUTIFUL ART!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! BHOLY CRAP THANK YOU!!!

your art style is very cute ! 🌱 oohg thanks!! thanks for the little sprout emoji, i love her

GOOD ART!!!! good art good art good art EVERYWHERE I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! OHHGG THANK YUO

how do ya draw such cutely its driving me nuts Nuts NUTS !!! I LOVE SPARKLES AND BRIGHT COLORS AND FUNNY ANIMALS..its my lifeblood..thank u..

You’re a really rad artist! I’m Glad there’s some cool artists that are local! Have a good time at VCU! oh wow thanks!!

Ur shapes r so good thanks i LOVE a nice wholesome shape!

I rlly like ur art style my dude thanks!!

hi! just wanted to let u know that you’re wonderful and i wish u well in everything u do this is making me bVERY HAPPY THANK YOU SO MUCH!!

Im love You!! IM L OVE YIOU

that meowth boy is so good. i love him as he is my son THANK YUO i too, love meowth a Lot

I love how your art is basically lines and curves, it’s very cute oo thanks!

i love your art style so much!! it’s so zesty? i cant think of a better word to describe but its like. zesty & refreshing & rly rly cool !!! THATS A BEAUTIFUL ADJECTIVE I LOVE IT thank u so much!!!

You seem like you would watch Osomatsu-san. I could see you drawin dem bois in you hella rad art style. osomatsu was the wildest ride of my life. tho i dont think i could physically be able to sit down and draw them seriously ever…

Pls make more angry cat comics theyr so halarious plllls 👀 more are on the way!!!!!!

Have you done a meet the artist i sketched one when the meme was still poppin..is it too late lol? maybe i’ll still do it

#asks

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jess-oh · 6 years

Text

Reflection

hey journal!

i had an off day today. i woke up early, showered, cut and prepared my lunch for the day, packed grapes to snack on, and was overall in a pretty good mood. i even stayed awake for the entire train ride up north and while i did run into the homeless guy again, he didnt recognize me this time. phew. but i started it off well! i did! but then i preceeded to feel very overwhelmed and I can’t tell if im just being lazy or if today was honestly an off day or what. i think it’s bc i do have a tendency to work fast in general but bc of that, i usually have a lot of free time and a lot of time for a break but today, i didnt feel like i had a break. it was just one thing after the other and all so fast! And I’ve been getting more “fire drill” requests recently where clients need something ASAP. Which haven’t been too hard. It’s just a lot to take care of I guess. And it could just be that it’s a busy season right now. But it was just today and I do feel like tomorrow will be better. I just need to come up with a few different drafts for the one pager and the company map. I’m thinking of looking into flow charts? Or an organizational map? Or maybe it’s a chart? Anyway, I did one for ITM that came out pretty nice so maybe I’ll mimic the style. I think I’m just having such a hard time bc I don’t exactly know what they want whereas my work for the clients have been pretty straightforward.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m too “perfect” and because of that, I lack a personality.

I didn’t actually tell anyone the above thought bc I thought it’d just come off as cocky but it was an actual concern! but I don’t think it’s true, haha. I’m passionate, loyal, determined, and hardworking. I’m not as goal-oriented as I used to be and I’m a lot more open to mistakes bc I know it’s not the end of the world. I’ve been able to overcome my fear of failure and it’s been immensely helpful. Although sometimes, I do still wonder if I’m not putting my best foot forward because I’m not a perfectionist anymore and worry if I should revert to those old habits. But I was so unhappy then and I’ve been able to do a lot more now without making every draft a “perfect” draft.

I didn’t realize the people in my class from Sa-Rang went on their road trip recently and it looks like they had a good time and I was actually not at all worried about missing out. In fact, I think if I went, it would’ve just been awkward. I’m glad theyre having a good time. I just don’t think my personality fits in with them. Everyone is so competitive and I’ve tried to play those games before and I feel like if I called them out on it, they’d just chalk it off to me overreacting and they just dont trust me bc of the game and not bc of the past. But I feel like it would be bc of the past. I just wish they’d give me a chance. I actually feel like a real, decent, valid human being with my D&D friends and co-workers and peers out here. And with them. I always felt like I tried to speak up but they would ignore me. I was a voice always unheard and it made me feel invisible and like less of a person. And it felt like a norm so whenever people did acknowledge my existence, I was so touched. So touched to know that at least someone could see me. But how sad is that? I know who I am and I know the good that I have done and I know my place in God’s Kingdom. But whenever I’m with them, everything just falls apart and I question my identity and I just really don’t want to go back and face that again. I only have a month left before I have to. I want to make the most of my time here so that I’m not so afraid when I go back there. I do need to stand my ground with them and I know that I shouldn’t be this afraid to go back to my home church but I am just so afraid of how they’d react and judge me bc they’re the people I call “home.” And if that falls apart, then what. I do have Lakeview here and I’m glad but it’s still a work in progress for sure. I also want to make sure I’m doing things to help and invest into others because I genuinely care for them and not so that they’ll be grateful and thankful towards me later. I do want to genuinely serve them. I do. And I know that I can get into my own head a lot but I do want to really care for them on a deeper level. I also worry that whenever I reach out to guys, they think I’m asking them out on a date but I’m not. I actually just perceive them as I perceive girls—as hurting people and I want to be there to help them through it.

I have “Jessie’s Girl” stuck in my head and as catchy as it is, it’s distracting my writings.

I’m really excited to sing karaoke with my friends on Friday and I just belt out my horrible horrible voice. I am totally prepared to lose my voice, HAHA.

I’m just really conflicted, I guess.

On the one hand, I do really want to go home and just be home and not have to worry about anything but to just be in the presence of my parents and sister and to have the opportunity to go out on more late night adventures with Andrew, Aurora, and David. Those are always fun! And admittedly, forcing hangouts with Jeanne, Grace An, Tina and David Kang were always kind of awkward and I shouldn’t force these things. If people want to hangout with me then they can hit me up. But I’m only in town for so long and I would much rather spend time with people who actually genuinely care about me.

I’ve also been so busy with my internship and havent had time to work on my coding skills :( And I want to start designing my D&D character too! Maybe I’ll start sketching on the train tomorrow or something.

I need to do my dishes and practice my VBS dance moves too! Hopefully Saturday? :/ I want to be prepared and ready to teach 2 more dances that I’m confident in on Sunday! And then...I’m not sure what we’ll do for the rest of the time. Maybe we can all work together on the fifth dance and just keep practicing every Sunday. I do need to make sure they can confidently dance on their own without watching me. I’m worried about one of the bigger girls because she is me. She’s not bad at dancing. She’s just not confident in her skills and I want to make sure she knows that she is seen. She is real. And valid. And so important and perfect in God’s eyes. I know I was pretty nervous last Sunday but I do want to really pray for them and be a sort of mentor figure for them. We just started training and I already love all of them so much. It was also pretty disheartening when I asked for fun facts about them and they just resorted to being a PK, as if that’s all they’re good for when in reality, they are so much more than that. I can understand why and how I got and get left out a lot more now. I’m that bigger girl bc she wasnt as enthusiastic or excited. She was just shy and quiet. And I feel like there have been moments when I’ve been really enthusiastic but no one else agreed with me and I ended up just being the odd one out and felt like such an outsider and like I didn’t belong. :/ I want to really do my best and try my hardest. I do.

I’m also worried that by the time I come back during August, I won’t have grown that much and nothing will feel like it’s changed. I’m just trying to prepare and think as much as I can until then. I almost don’t want to go home at all. I’m so scared that what awaits me is just me feeling like I don’t belong. At first I was sad that I’ll only be home for a few weeks but now I’m thinking that’s all I can handle. I am so afraid that I won’t have grown or learned enough. So much happened this past year that it feels like nothing happened at all. I struggled with alcoholism, depression, anxiety, I lost Marlena and Jakob, I made new friends like Sara and Evelyn too. I had trouble coming to terms with my dad’s mom’s death, my mom’s dad’s death, my whole family dying and everything we own being burned to a crisp. All of my family members and friends getting seriously injured and everything they know and love being destroyed in a great blaze. And hardest of all, I had to come to terms with the very real reality of Robbin passing away and honestly, I still can’t fully believe it. I think once I see his grave again, I’ll actually begin to fully accept it. I really still can’t believe that happened and that’s definitely been the most impactful part of this past year. I knew that this year would be tough but I thought in terms of persecution and that’s something I overcame. I didn’t care about how others would judge me at church or on the streets anymore because I know who I am in God’s eyes. Or at least I’m trying to learn my worth in them. But this? This was on a whole different level. I went home in February for the weekend to attend Robbin’s funeral. I know it was so expensive but it was so worth it be there. It was much needed closure. I remember seeing my dad cry on our way from the airport to his mom’s place. We were both so upset, knowing what a great person Robbin was and how short his life was. He was ten years older than me when he passed away. It’s been over five months, nearly six, since he had a heart attack and I just. Sigh. I really miss you Robbin and I am so sorry that I didn’t do more for you while you were still here. I know it wasn’t my fault but I still can’t help but feel partly responsible and wonder if anything would have changed had I said something. I know what depression feels like and it sucks and I could’ve been there for him but I wasn’t.

But anyways,

I’m here now and I am doing good. I know I am. I am happy that I can. I need to stop procrastinating and be more pro-active and get everything done sooner so that I have more time to relax and not have to worry about things to do the next day. I don’t even feel like typing anymore but I’m not tired either. I might just watch videos because might as well. I’m really not in the mood to shower or was dishes. At least tomorrow is my last day for the week! Woo! I could just take care of those things tomorrow, I suppose. Sigh. I know I shouldn’t be lazy and I definitely have the means and ability to get up and do these things and just get it over with my but I’m really not in the mood. I just want to lay on the floor and cry and wallow in my sorrow. Sigh.

On a brighter note, I saw the Incredible 2 yesterday with Tykira and Jordan and it was so good! I predicted the plot pretty early on so I was worried that that would be the whole movie so I was pleasantly surprised when it wasn’t! C:

I read some old posts in the Guat Squad group the other day while looking for old VBS dance moves and I told Judy that I missed everyone. But honestly, I don’t know if I do. I posted so many times and was so excited to post about reminders and I honestly did trust them and have a good time but not everyone, I guess. Even on the mission field, I was a lot more comfortable talking to Judy, Grace, and Gladys than anyone else on the team. There were moments during training where they did acknowledge me and I felt accepted and like I belonged but for the majority of the time, I don’t think I actually really got along with them. I need to stop trying so hard to fit in and just saying what everyone else is saying and speak the truth instead. It might be “not the right move” but it’s much better to be me and honest than to spend so long trying so hard to fit into a group that will never accept me anyway. I think this is a new goal that I should be working towards. Using my observations to just be blunt and straightforward and honest. I think I’ve been doing a pretty good job doing that with my family and P. Josh so far. I just can’t be afraid to be honest to those around my age either.

I also need to stop judging people for being wealthy and well off. And also for complaining or being greedy or doing a better job at fitting in than I do. I’ve been really frustrated towards Jane recently bc I feel like she just complains all the time and tries so hard to fit in and it annoys me so much bc I try to fit in too. So why does it work for her but not for me? And maybe it’s because I’m fat or not as pretty. Maybe it’s because of what happened in the past. But regardless, I am here. And I want to be unapologetically me.

#reflection

0 notes

haeroniel-doliet · 6 years

Text

i need more money to buy little art

honestly tho feeling like for that ideal goal existence i’ll try get to someday, i’ll needa be making proper money comfortable and good so i can spend all i like on society 6 and other to buy shirts and bags and just everything to a house all in different art prints (mostly florals) bc just those pictures are like everything i want but just so expensive. i’m trying to sum down like 10 to stickers, bc i wanna do up my laptop, but dedicating to a single decal (thats like 25 ON SALE) is too much esp since i love so much. so ive kinda decided to get a hard cover for the laptop just in case i break it, and just in case i do break my laptop that i can keep the stickers on the hard case and dont lose them to replaced parts. idk seems smart. ill probs buy a kinda shady cover off of ebay for 5 or 6 pound and then spend 20 on stickers for it :] since theyre on sale till 8 am today and its 3 am im probs just gonna settle and order them. might order cover tomorrow w my dad bc i need trust assurance. hes not all on board on the stickers so im just gonna go for it. theyre gonna be like my post cards. i buy so many every place. and no. not trashy postcards. i want art. i have so many postcards of paintings in galleries and so many from comic con art valleys (guess who wants to get so much more and 100% will) i love original art the most when its pretty to me and like everyone who sees it. simples okay but i prefer soft and detailed. excited now i can go to con and also be looking for stickers bc maybe ill get a few cool ones that wont cost me as much as the society 6 ones do. and then my laptop can replicate my walls, displaying all the art ive loved that ive been able to take with me (bc theres so much i obviously dont have on my walls) anyway im looking at these and making some small bc i suddenly realise this laptops got realestate. and the saddest thing w stickers (literally why i had one of those waxy paged sticker books as a child) is that i cant dedicate stickers to a single spot. its so much dedication. what if i buy a bigger sticker and it wont fit? what if i get the perfect sticker for that spot and it wont fit? (over lap i guess) how can i be sure i put them in the right spots to start with? augh i dont really wanna cover just half of it and obviously leave space bc that puts pressure on finding stickers and i might get ones i dont love. i cant get sick of any one bc itll be there (joy of having multiple mean theres less getting sick of anything). anyway i think im happy w the sizes of these 10 stickers and can work w them (also for now i think im just gonna be going around the edges and leaving the apple logo as it is, esp bc it glows and theres already this shitty old smiley face sticker from my old psych teacher and i kinda dont wanna get rid of it, i just wanna add things around it so it doesnt look so: clean (actually dirty) laptop that a child marked as their own)

anyway society 6 has random discounts all the time which is p rad and maybe the day im ready to invest in my own living space and dont feel obliged to check w my parents about just about any purchase, i’ll then subscribe to something thatll tell me what discount is on. that in mind, i think i’ll only get the 9 now, that hopefully wont cost too much, and leave a bunch in my wishlist, bc there’ll be another discount (this is 20% off everything) and maybe that’ll be like 50% off stickers and boy then when my collection is underway you bet ill go for it. and like maxx sticks on their sketch book, if i dedicate to a new book maybe ill get more for that and have a pretty thing to keep and reminisce over (tho knowing me, ill not use it much bc i have a need for pretty things to stay perfect and presentable, and i have a need for everything that i might show to others to be like near perfect otherwise its sucks and ill feel bad bc i dont wanna show it off to people. like my art book, sure i couldve made it all experimental and crap and then edited the real pages together on the computer. but no. i needed everypage to be presentable and pretty and handwritten and creative. and they must go page after page, its so awkward showing someone something and then going “oh wait now these few are empty sorry yeah heres the next page” so i baasically have a book with mhmmm 20-26 pages of beautiful spreads that im quite proud of inside beautiful covers ( i knew id want to be presenting it for years to come) and the back pages are just...empty. and theyll probably stay that way bc i no longer have projects to be doing to fill them with. maybe one day ill grow into myself and grow out the fear of ruining what ive achieved and fill some with new projects to please myself and be an indepenednt artist not just a teacher pleaser. you know its like that with my work too, like it has to have a direction and a plan that will be achieved, and its terribly frustrating when that vision doesnt happen. but i think thats the same with everyone.

anyway on a side note, dont you guys think its so fun and cool how ive not done my post labs that were due last friday? how every night ends up being 3-4 am until i go... mhmmmm yeah i guess nothing is happening. like i hope id bloom and do work at that 11pm-3am window and then i get here, suddenly having lost all track and sense of time and just sigh. its wasted, its basically tuesday already. have to keep telling myself dates bc it moves so weird. i planned on getting shit done two days ago. here we are regardless. and the most ill get done is get those stickers ordered bc that is i guess what ive been half focused on for mhmmm5 hrs. then ill save my 7 dollars or whatever, have stickers on the way, tomorrow order the case and thats one insignificant thing done. then the question will be have i looked at summer jobs? no of course not ive looked at ballet courses. shush. i havent showered for days bc theyve just slipped by too laying in bed, maybe tomorrow ill take a shower and pick up all the trash and tissues on the ground. maybe i will. i know i wont get real work done tonight, and already ill be sleepy till 1 pm and by then mom will be again on me abt sleeping to latesoo... yeah no point. and here i thought id make a quick totes relatable short post about how i need more money to buy stickers and maybe a brief my ideal life is to have enough money to spend on art being in every part of my life and all this being unique so people love coming to my house and go wow its so original and cool. and that turned into a word vent thats so far taken me over half an hour. hi my batterys dying.

lng story short, i’ll order the stickers currently in my basket after so much though, suck it up and do it and know that i have a bunch over in my wishlist for that next maybe even better sale when it happens. the only thing is im taking all the rest as transparent which for sure dulls them down (yeah white background looks sick but for some its just more classy w transparent, then theres this one bear i’m 100% naming wojtek thats in white bc i feel it’ll be best for him, and i guess having him in white will set that theres no clear rules to follow and worst case if it doesnt fit he can come chill on the keyboard side next to my mouse pad thing) honestly i cant tell if i should be getting them all in white and just hope that theyll look gorgeous no matter what. yikes 3 dollar shipping for stickers, ok itll actually be 19.62 pound and using euro card 22.50 in euros.... am i dumb? maybe. and tho im supposed to be saving money up so i have some, i also did get birthday money sorta recently soo... birthday gift from them. first set of stickers. deep breaths ok. my parents told me when i bugged them that i just have to make a decision and not ask them all the time, and he said to get 3 stickers i told him id pick 12 so i think getting 9 is reasonable. also oh shit realising that the delivery time is 1-3 weeks and im staying here only 1 and a half more so i should really order it to scotland even tho it might get ther ebefore i do bc my parents might not rly want to send them up to me. idk ok order to scotland, thank f at least one of my flat mates is staying and tbh i should really bring her some chocolate... shes done me faavours.

#another thought trail rant #this time on buying art in form of post cards and now stickers for the first time and being unsure about everything #when am i sure tho

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jess-oh · 6 years

Text

Reflection

ahhhhhhhhhhhh. i forgot to bring my Bible down so now I can’t do my QT here :( i do hope i find the willpower to prepare a smoothie for tomorrow morning, do the dishes, take a shower, and do my QT before i decide to sleep. this probably isn’t a good idea working so much when i have work tomorrow but im in that productive kind of mood! and yes, it’s my fault that i started so late but it’s okay! bc im here now and i at least want to work on it a lil more. i already got some ideas i actually like rolling into my portfolio, i started drawing more thumbnails, i got my 3 typography examples done, i started drawing my didot thumbnails but ended up getting sidetracked. but i did draw a bunch of boxes for it which is good! i do want to do a few more quick sketches for typography and then focus on my research papers tomorrow along with the design for graphic design. actually, i probably wont have time tomorrow since im hanging out with my roommates and going out to dinner with james, moon-hee, and others from downtown. and i know i could just skip out on that but i do want to do it. and then on saturday we’re checking out a couple different apartments and i so badly wish i could just stay home and rest and work all day on graphic design and typography but unfortunately, i cant. im definitely going to be staying up late the next few days as a result to make for the lack of time.

but here’s what i really want to talk about. i had a really good conversation with shar today and i was open about my depression and how i’ve actually been feeling so bad about myself recently but then im so conflicted bc i want to share what ive been struggling through w/ others but i just dont think they’d understand. and it’s been such an unbelievable blessing to be able to talk to shar about everything thats been going on and my worries and concerns and dreams and hopes for the future and even though she cant fully understand, she does listen and does genuinely care and want to be here. i can see it in her heart. and i also know that just bc of who shes surrounded by, sometimes she can become corrupted but at the end of the day, she really is a good person and is really trying and i can see that whenever she does have some unhealthy habits like gossiping, it’s coming from a place of love and care. and i do really appreciate that and i do want to make more of an effort in sharing and being open and knowing that i am allowed to rely on God and other people and I don’t want to fight this losing battle alone. Because I won’t lose without the help of others. I don’t want to keep killing myself over this any longer. It is honestly so hard. It is. And it’s so terrible to feel so alone and so bad about myself. But if we’re being attacked this hard, it means we’re doing something wrong. And we are. Sharlene and I have been keeping each other accountable and being more open about our faith and we started a conversation with Mulan, Claire, and Dana. And I’ve been making conscious efforts in really investing into the freshmen at Lakeview and I don’t always feel like I can be open about myself to them bc I want to be their spiritually leaders but Sharlene did remind me that I really admired P. Billy and P. Daisy for being so honest about what was really going on in their lives. And that just made them better leaders in my eyes. And I do want to adopt that mindset too. i know that it is still so incredibly intimidating and scary to be so open about my faith at a school as liberal as Columbia but yknow what? It’s college. No one really knows what theyre doing. They just know that theyre searching and Sharlene was right, we’re planting so many seeds even in just discussing our relationship with God out in public, even if we don’t see it. There was someone that was having a bad day and felt encouraged by our passion for the Lord. There was someone that was wrestling with the Devil and won bc of something we said. And I know that I’m still having a really hard time letting myself cry and really let go and let myself be affected in front of Shar right now but it is something I’m working on. And I do notice how often I’m laughing during dark or heavy situations in an effort to lighten the mood and avoid feeling so bad but I do want to be able to just let myself go and not be able to distract myself with my laptop or phone or thoughts or anything. I just want to come before the Lord and give it up. I just want to pray.

I just imagined praying really hard for Dana and I do want to do that for her soon. Whether it’s at the retreat or when she leaves or before or whenever. But i just want to let her know that God loves her so much. And every time he sees her making an effort to come out to church or reach out to Him or share about her experience w/ the church, He sees that and the biggest grin grows on His face in excitement for his daughter that is on her way to coming home. He sees her. And he wants nothing more than to just embrace her in His open arms. My main goal for this coming semester and just for this whole year has been making sure Dana has a solid foundation and faith with Christ before heading out to Korea. So even when she is alone and struggling, she will know who God is in her life and just really be able to let go and give it all up to Him. I’m human and imperfect but He is a God that does not judge but rather, loves unconditionally. And despite all her sins and drinking and dating and everything in between, He still loves her and is just waiting so patiently for her to come home with open arms. I do truly believe that. And I really hope she can make it to the lock-in. I don’t know what it will be like but I do want to pray for her.

But yeah, it was just so nice talking to Shar today. But onto my day:

This morning I woke up at 7:45am by my weirdly very quiet alarm and reset the power in my room. Then I headed off to typography and had a pretty good time with Sara and this new girl I just met today and my stomach was having some issues for the most part, it was just a nice and pleasant experience. I had a good first day and good end to the week. Then I finally got my pizza bagel and the cashier was kind enough to save one for me yesterday, just in case :’) Oh yeah, I also asked a bunch of people last night for my defining characteristics and I got some pretty interesting responses. For one, I found out that Andrew wasn’t mad at me and instead, just lazy. And maybe also depressed but that’s just speculation. Now we’re talking again and I’m happy. But he actually wrote me a very kind letter which I was not expecting. I thought everyone would just give me a list, haha. So I was pretty surprised when people like Andrew and Jeanne actually gave me words of affirmation instead. Jeanne is always so supportive of me T v T

I am so cold down here, omona. But I’m listening to my Christian music still and even started to sing along and it just felt very normal and natural. This is who I am. A person that really loves and believes in God and wants to serve Him with their entirety. I do.

But after eating my pizza bagel, I headed up to work and stayed there for a while and it was a pretty good shift! I enjoyed talking with Ari and Tess and briefly Michaela. Michaela even brought me fries :’) Cleaning and everything was pretty nice and fun though! It was a long shift but I got to finish my annotations and everything else went pretty smoothly. I might actually draw my thumbnails at work tomorrow so I’ll have something to do. And then...I will work on graphic design, hehehe.

I’m really bad at reaching out for help and even just praying about it lately and confessing it to God. I think I just need to be ready and willing to let go and take that jump and risk everything for Him. I know that I felt like that before and even though my heart is filled with so much fear right now, I know that it will be so much better once I give everything up to Him. I felt that joy before and there’s nothing like it.

#reflection

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