#situations and it's so stupid and I'm so tired ans I'm crying and i feel stupid for crying because it's stupid | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hesitantvampirealien · 3 months

Text

I guess another vent

I'll talk a bit about suicide and um, i guess ableism? structural ableism? well, you don't need to read it if you're not comfortable with these types of topics.

I've been extremely depressed lately :)

My head is officially fucked beyond repair.

After so many sessions of therapy with each being gradually less effective and often making me feel very left out (it's group therapy, public access, short budget) only NOW that I've been told that they're completely unable to help me with my case because they don't have anyone specialized in cases involving autistic people, and i happen to be fucking autistic, and they did that while shifting the focus away from everything i said and straight up ignoring me, speaking over me throughout the whole fucking session, comparing my disability to completely reversible and curable cases that the clinic did have support for, and i did wait to be the LAST one to speak because i knew it wasn't something quick so everyone else already spoke everything they needed and i didn't wanna take over their space, it's literally the bare minimum... But i guess they didn't care that much about taking over mine. They couldn't even do the bare minimum, it was like I didn't even exist. I'm genuinely so tired. I know i would have to bring that up in the next session, but I can't. I'm so, so tired.

I tried to get better. I tried to hard to get better, i tried everything i could to save myself. I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing works. Private therapy is too expensive for me and the ones that aren't expensive are just... horrible. To the point of actually feeding self destruction, humiliating you when you have a breakdown ans telling you that all the awful things you tell yourself are right and you should kill yourself because you're horrible. I'm not from the US or europe so don't come to me saying "how is that allowed?" it's not, but nobody cares, suicide is pretty much encouraged here

i don't know what to do with myself. I had to write an entire text on how fucked up it is to compare a completely treatable illness to something genetic, incurable and eternal that will burden me forever. And everything they did was prove to me that i was right. It's a burden. It's a burden to me, because I'll have to handle illnesses developing in my head because of it and doctors refusing to help me because they're not specialized in my type of brain, I guess. It's a burden to them and they can't handle that burden.

I'm genuinely so fucking tired. I'm so tired that lately the idea that I can just plan out my own death is comforting to me. Thinking about killing myself became comforting to me. The idea that i can just... quit this pathetic, claustrophobic pit of misery that i was forced to drown in. As much as it's desperating to be drowning like this, constantly, as much as i wish i could leave this pit... I won't ever be able to leave it, will i? all i have left is hoping it won't take long until death takes me from the pit

i know it seems stupid that I'm talking about killing myself because of one situation, but it's just one that i mentioned. One of many, of 20 years of situations.

I wish my friends understood better that they can find better friends, i genuinely don't understand why they cry... I don't know what they see in me that makes me so unreplaceable and makes them cry when i talk about killing myself when i always tell them there's billions of people much better than me out there that are able do much more than I ever was able to do

3 notes · View notes