#since i'm the only person i could perceive as hateable.

[haarute]

*slides into your DMs* hey babe so are you a "life has been unfair to and filled with abuse" traumatized or a "consumed by loss regret and guilt" traumatized?

#text post #trauma #i saw something and started thinking about this earlier #because i feel like i often see people from the former group around and they're quite bitter. and justifiably so. #but over here in second group corner i'm like yeah man i have no sense of ego anymore i deserve all of the bad things. #and we like actively self-sabotage ourselves as a weird form of punishment too because how dare me be happy. #and logically i know that's bs. and yet feelings operate as they do. #but i know so many people who are so done with people's bullshit and ready to throw down and stand up for themselves #and i'm like damn i admire that fighting spirit. #and from what i can tell from the people i know it's often fueled by their own experiences with people who treated them wrong #but when nobody has treated you wrong but instead you yourself are the cause of all of the bad things then WELL FUCK ME #which is why posts that are meant to like pump yourself up to go stand up for yourself are so alien to me. #or stuff saying that it's totally fine to just be angry and hold grudges at people and i'm like well i don't relate to this at all #if anything it kinda makes me feel worse about myself in some weird way #since i'm the only person i could perceive as hateable. #the whole ''fuck the world i don't owe anyone anything and i should focus on my own happiness first'' mentality is great and all but #almost a direct opposite to what's going on in my head at all times. #i feel like i could dedicate my entire life to try and make the world a better place and i still couldn't justify my existence. #and i don't mean to anyone in particular. just to myself. #but this is on itself a selfish issue formed entirely on my own emotions. #... which just makes it worse. #so yeah.