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cybermeep · 4 months

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a very long rant which talks of death & other human things

from a very young age i was always aware of a constant in my life; that eventually i would die. of course, as a child the sentiment & ultimate importance of this didn’t particularly stick— i just knew that one day it was all over. i also hadn’t realized my words had an effect on other people yet and subsequently believed everything i said was meaningless. well, i knew it had meaning and had intent, but i didn’t believe anyone else listened to any of it much. i was proven wrong by this on a day back in elementary school, when i had made one of those fortune teller folding papers children used to create. at least, i hope i did; if i didn’t, then i said the following phrase to another child unprompted;

“you’ll die in 20 years.”

..abrupt, and incredibly destructive to say to another child. i don’t remember much of how they reacted, nor what they looked like, but i can only assume it made them cry and tell a teacher. i had then gotten scolded for saying these words, although i had no clue as to why. i didn’t see what i did wrong; 20 years was long, right? and eventually everyone dies, so how was what i said hurtful? now i know it’s very short & in general telling someone they’ll die is.. inappropriate, but back then i was unaware.

i say this because there’s an important note to be had with my feeling about death; i’m not afraid of it as much as i am afraid it will happen and i’ll be alone. i don’t mind death, because i know its a constant and is inevitable, but i’m far too afraid i’ll die surrounded by nothing. no people, no bugs, no animals, nothing. i’ll die in a black, square void and be the only organism residing in said void. and i’m not afraid i won’t be acknowledged after i die, as i realize thats to be expected when one doesn’t do too many extravagant things. i also know it would be impossible to not be acknowledged by somebody, unless every person i came into contact with had a overwhelming urge to stamp out any record of my existence, but regardless i am content with whatever the case will be.

although choosing how you may die is grim & improbable, what i would wish for is to be in someone else’s arms. best visual i have is the embrace kirie and shuichi have at the end of uzumaki in how they lay with one another. i would wish for this because i have never truly done this with another person, besides being a young child and being in the arms of my mother & grandmother, and also because i would want to feel some sort of constant in my existence again. i haven’t kissed anyone, haven’t held anyone close, haven’t even gone on a date. i haven’t done a plethora of things other humans have long done & that makes me feel incredibly, incredibly isolated; it doesn’t help i would only do these things with someone i had long trusted and built up some sort of affection for, so it makes the process even more difficult. really, i wish to lay with someone because it would make me feel as if i finally did something human and i was allowed to be human for the first and final time.

i.. have many things i wish to do, and because of that i’m afraid i won’t do them in time. not afraid of death, but afraid of time. this is a good reasoning as to why im very overtly affectionate & caring, as any day i’m living in could be my last & i could never have the chance to tell someone i care about them again. ever. this may also be why i get gifts, why i do so many things, why i go out of my way to do things; because in the end, what if i never get the chance to? i’ll have missed out on something deeply human. this is the best explanation i can muster for why i’m very over the top with certain things, although there is one more…

..because, uh. man. whatever, nobody reads these so im fine unless someone does read these in secret which could also be true but IDK, if you’re that person then hello?; i finally felt what it was like to be human. i think. i mean, i am human but i don’t always feel like i am. i say i am & think i am but this is more so conditioning than it is something i truly believe, telling myself i am because i have flesh & bone & other anatomical things which make a human person. i knew i felt human & ultimately was human when i stomached something which was sensory hell for me, a true rarity when it comes to food, when i had gotten one day a beverage i didn’t even really want to drink & just waited to pay, waited, looked out a window & just viewed things like any other normal person would, except it was more than that, i got hit with an epiphany so jarring i had to spend weeks and weeks pondering if it was even true, although i knew from the get go it was likely to be the case. had subsequently thought the following: i’m fucked, aren’t i?

…i was indeed screwed. in its wake is the knowledge i am capable of being human & doing human things, along with truly appreciated traits like taking time to admire things & becoming more social. i also seem to have gained a great fondness for things i wouldn’t have cared about before, either because i would’ve never known they existed or wouldn’t have taken the time to. this is incredibly appreciated, and although i’ll admit i am.. a bit lackluster in being able to properly build myself back up into a normal person, that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. it’s okay to be built & change your shape, and i think i should accept i’m not the exact person i may have been a month or so ago. that’s okay! as long as i feel as if i’m happy in who i am & what i do, it’s okay that i’ve been molded somewhat differently. still caring, still incredibly talkative, still.. me; just sculpted in a new way.

#this is all written neutrally btw. im all good just making observations #cybers tangents #probably important if someone wanted to analyze my psyche

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