#should have posted this sooner but tbh i thought more people in that server would have had tumblrs | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

justalittlemango · 3 years

Text

30/01/2021 - Stress and Anxiety.

Been a while since I posted on this blog in particular. I usually use my private Twitter to vent but I feel this may be best written in one entire post.

I guess this is going to be an appreciation post, for myself.

I am constantly stressing and worrying about things I’ve done in the past, how people view me, and then other such issues like money, creating and adding to my portfolio, finding jobs for my placement year, university grades, coursework, my side hobbies like learning a language and working out. I worry about these things a lot. It’s a lot to maintain in my daily life.. and then there’s my biggest worry and cause of stress: my boyfriend and love.

More recently I’ve been stressed because of my sleep habits. I seem to keep waking up for no utter reason. Feeling very tired. Feeling like I’m choking on air or something? Maybe I have sleep apnea? Who knows. I haven’t been diagnosed or anything.

Some friends I’ve spoken to have said they are really proud of me for how I’m handling all these worries and stress. Especially considering I’ve been ditched by my boyfriend with no closure whatsoever, just constantly wondering if he even still wants to be in a relationship with me or not... and it’s been like that for over a month now. He won’t give me closure. He keeps disappearing, and I’m not sure why.

At this point I can’t afford to waste my energy thinking about him. Like, sure, last year I fell in love with that boy. I thought he was amazing. Sweet. Funny. Cute. Adorable. Heart of gold. And at times in 2020, he hurt me, and it happened a final time over the Christmas period that I’m still reeling over. He made a remark about something I had a legit anxiety attack over in a public server, and of course I exploded at him for doing that. The alcohol probably didn’t help. I told him ‘my friends used to tell me I deserve better, and I never used to believe it, but now I do.’ - and that’s what I said that seemingly caused his long absence. He was put on new meds and has stopped taking them.. apparently.. I can’t really trust anything he says.

I guess it’s not the end of the world if him and I don’t work out, but I just need to know the answer sooner rather than later. Sometimes I wish I could just call an end to it myself. But anyway, enough about him, he doesn’t deserve my energy after what he put me through. He is a sweetheart and I love him, but this is not going to be something I’ll find forgiving when he returns. Anyway, plenty more cuties out there who I will meet. Loyal ones. A real lad. One who can communicate rather than run away and ignore me.

Anyway.. about me. 2020 was not a perfect year for me. I made quite a few mistakes. I broke up with my ex-boyfriend of almost 5 years, which was huge for me. That took a crazy amount of courage. And I feel that.. the circumstances were unfortunate, but I’m proud of myself for making that decision and genuinely believe it was for the best. As does he now that some time has passed. I fell in love with my current boyfriend and all things was okay for a bit. Until he ditched me because I wanted to play with these new friends. Deleted me. Blocked me everywhere. Abandoned me. And then complains when someone out of the blue comes around and comforts me and treats me right. Yknow, for a long time I used to feel super bad about that.. because it hurt my current boyfriend.. but that was him trying to guilt trip me I swear. He broke up with me. Of course I was going to go with someone. Just I happened to do it quickly.

I got my karma though. The one who was comforting me was not for me. I couldn’t feel genuine emotions for him, I didn’t love him. So after 3 months or so, we split up and ended all communication. That was a move I was dreading for a very long time, so I’m very proud of myself for coughing up the courage to be able to not let it drag on. I wish I stuck to what I said with him though, that I was going to remain single for a while so I get my head straight.. heh.. if I did that, I wouldn’t be feeling so hurt and stressed out right now! I’d be a lot better I imagine.

So yes, after all that, it felt shit for a while. I felt so lonely. Didn’t have many friends. My ex had his bf (now ex-bf) in his room quite often and I would hear and see them having fun. No jealousy in me really.. just felt strange. Like how quickly things can change in a year. I’m proud of myself for getting through that time period where I really felt like I was on my own. I got through it, albeit with the assistance of alcohol and a good friend of mine that I know online.

2020 was the year I cracked my group chat anxiety. I used to be scared to play games and participate in voice chats with my friends online because I would have really bad anxiety. But now I enjoy doing it so much. And I genuinely feel like this has had a great benefit of how I will be in real life too. I am yet to put it to the test! But that is one of the greatest things i’m proud of. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone to do all that. Most times at the start with the assistance of alcohol, but more recently, no alcohol needed. I am anxious for a few mins, and then I start to mellow out.

More recently I’ve made a lot more friends and tried to put a lot more effort in. And I feel this is something I should be proud of. Even at rock bottom, I still am determined to fix things. That’s one thing I’ll praise myself on: persistence and dedication.

I’ve learnt so much about love, emotions and relationships the past year. I feel that as much as this all hurt me, I will be a better man as a result of all this. I have more experience now. I know what to do next time. I know how to avoid being hurt. I’m proud that I am keeping up with my university work and portfolio stuff, my workouts and Spanish work also, despite all this going on. Despite barely sleeping recently because of my anxiety and stress. I am proud that I still know what’s important and I’m trying to maintain my composure.

2021 then.. going to be a great year. I feel it. Starting off a bit rocky.. but I need to see what happens with my current lad. Most likely end up breaking it off. And tbh, I don’t think I’ll need much preparation for that. I’m going to try new things. Experiment. I might try a dating app at some point in the summer... see about getting a placement for next year and have a great time next year. My family is in good health. I am in good health for the most part.. I have gained quite a few friends and some are doing a great job at looking after me.

Things are good. I am letting a 27 year old man, who is acting like a 12 year old, make me feel like shit. Like no. I can’t let him dominate my mind like this. I deserve better than that. I must make it a challenge to NOT think about him so much in the night time when trying to sleep. He’s probably the reason why I can’t even sleep well. So, it’s February in a couple days. Lets leave all that shit behind in January. No more thinking about him so much in the nights. No more losing countless hours of sleep. More enjoying the present moment. More stepping outside my comfort zone. Spending time with friends and family. That’s whats important. Making memories. Having fun. No stress or anxiety, just good vibes.

I shouldn’t worry about money either. That’s all sorted. I most likely am not going to the US now so I can use that money if I struggle. But I’m spending wisely right now. So I will be good! I got some good games that I need to keep playing. Friends I enjoy playing with. Living in my parents house having a good time. Portfolio work will come along smoothly, there is no rush! Same with the coursework, there is no rush! It’s all such early days, and extensions are there for a reason! I don’t want to compare myself to anyone now. Especially not my ex. I need to leave all these unhealthy habits behind in January, so Feb and the months onwards can be better.

0 notes