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#she 'wanted to secure her kidsjfrom the cruel curel world'....
art-of-mathematics
·
2 years
Text
Although there is so much wonderful beauty in the world I am in awe of, there's still some sadness that is tearing me apart.
#reliving the prolonged trauma is hard
#yet the strength and compassion I have given myself since I was a kid is helping me withstand all the pain
#i found old health files from when I was a baby
#when i was 3 i had sensory processing problems and should visit an eye doc
#my mom told me 'they thought i had bad eyes and wanted me to wear glasses'
#my mom is and always was severely overchallenged/overwhelmed with all sorts health-related...
#she can't even manage to distinguish the metformin she takes - diabetes meds- and melatonine -sleeping hormone...
#even when i got diabetes at 7 yo I had no proper help from her.
#... i am so sad as the somehow neglect was only due to her overwhelm...
#and she was offered help my the state...
#but she always denied it.
#she 'wanted to secure her kidsjfrom the cruel curel world'....
#sadly... she is paranoid
#and i grief for all the pain this has resulted in...
#sadly she never kept us safe from her.
#she always misunderstands everything medical staff tells her..
#ignorance is at fault.
#she even seeked a homeopathic healer for my diabetes and tried to 'help' me with globuli. i only ate them because they tasted nice
#i even ate dry cat food as kid because it tasted better than anything that was available
#everyday just sweets and sometimes joghurt or milchreis
#i don't know why i indulge in this thought loop again...
#the flashbacks are like... interwoven...
#I had autism and adhd all my life but my mother could never handle it...
#she was adviced to send me to a special school back then. she denied it.
#in elementary school the teachers wanted me to leap school years as I was far ahead with the topics. my mother denied it
#she denied it 'because she needs to learn social competence'... damn... allji learned was to people-please
#and to neglect my own needs. to fear because i never knew what i did wrong...
#and today it still impacts me
#as I am notmeven able to get proper diagnoses
#because 'it's obvious you have adhd but there went so much wrong in your medical history...' - words of someone who wanted to diagnose ADHD
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