#semi-vent (i just have thoughts and need to put them somewhere outside of my brain. so i guess that's venting) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

aleatoryalarmalligator · 3 years

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Going into 2021..

Right now, I am desperately looking for a decent job. I live in Portland and there's precious little fulfilling positions out there that would pay enough to really actually pay rent. Economically, things aren't looking so hot. We are in the middle of a pandemic which obviously things are and should me closed, or limited in capacity. I am probably owed several thousand in unemployment but I haven't been able to contact them for months. Which I won't be able to pay rent after this month if i don't find something. It's disturbing but i may need to find a way to pay for a storage unit, and then crash on my sister and her boyfriend's couch soon if i don't find something, until something better comes along. At thirty-one, i wanted so badly to actually be going somewhere but as it is i am struggling to even buy food. I'm truly ridiculously ashamed of myself. I am trying not to blame myself, there is a lot of critical thinking i have about being a good for nothing and not worth anyone's time or care, ill prepared for everything that has happened. I really wanted to move to the city and succeed. And for a moment i think i was, then i wasn't. Then this covid business happened and I'm here.

I've literally been met with pretty bad luck and like so many people it is mainly covid related. I'm far from being in the worst situation. The fact that I am here typing this is proof in and of itself that i'm not in the worst position. My parents won't send me any money because they both want me to move back to Idaho to live with them in their abusive situations. My father makes quite a bit of money but the way he sees it, he has this plan to move me back to Idaho where he can isolate me and be verbally abusive. His plan is to wait till i am homeless and then offer me a job in Idaho with the stipulation that i will have to basically hang out with him every single night, get yelled at and frightened like i was when i was a child. I will be separated from any support system or friends or people who care about me. I would be beholden onto him like i was a child. It's his goal really. He has more than enough money to keep me going, but he's not going to help me. It's funny, but not so funny to know that he would probably be frightened of what happened when i was put in that situation now at the age i am. He thinks he wants me there, he does not. He remembers me putting up with it when i was younger and crumpling and having the satisfaction of controlling me and breaking my spirit. I'm like, stable but a lot more reactionary than i used to be, and brittle. I'd crumple so hard now, it would be as though i were a star that turned into a black hole and swallowed him in. He doesn't want to deal with that now. I would probably end up getting locked up if he tried to be physically or verbally abusive to me. And I am just never going back to Idaho. I'd rather sleep outside. And it is his money. He's got no obligation to help me at all, and he has in the past, helped me out a bit.

I worry because things have gotten worse for me than they were a year ago. It's effected my attitude a little. Like I don't smile as much. I broke my foot three months ago which prevented me from working. I quit my job because i felt exploited and only getting paid 400$ a month is not a decent living. Even today, i thought i was fine so i took a walk and when i got home my foot hurt pretty bad. I did get a phone interview with and up and coming vegan mushroom jerky company that I am hoping I can just manage to get. I need this job terribly, and it seemed like a really good job for me. My physical health isn't the best. I have PCOS, which means i have to be very careful about what i eat. I gained a bunch of lockdown weight. I was in the 150's and no i am afraid of what i weigh. I was getting kind of skinny, and though i was probably undereating, overeating for me is worse. It fucks with my mental health and how people treat me, and it's a hard road to getting fit, it's hard to feel inspired in times like these. Food is comfort. I am still nowhere as big as i was in Idaho. There is a lot of food I am not supposed to eat or it messes with my brain chemistry and it's pretty stressful.

I guess what hurts the most is, I feel like I've lost a lot of friends. One of my best friends, i guess you could say we were semi seeing one another for nearly two years, he's just kind of not texting me back, or sending literally like 'haha' and 'ok' once a day. I've tried being ridiculously patient. I try to be supportive and funny and make an extra effort, even from afar, to be there. He's too busy to ever hang out with me, or just doesn't want to. I feel very used. It could be nothing. I've tried talking about it, having good humor, but it's not working. My temptation at every given moment is to call and demand some kind of explanation but the truth is that it would change nothing. He would call me if he wanted to talk. He's probably just found someone else. Or if he isn't, he just is disinterested in me as a person. It makes me feel, on top of looking down the barrel of homelessness and bad health, just floored with a horrible miserable feeling in the pit of my stomach. And it could reverse in a week or two so easily if he just explained himself in some way. Even if i found out the reason, and it was bad, i'd deal with it. Not knowing is what is really hurting me. It just kind of repeats in my head. I feel ugly, and unwanted and annoying. We spoke every single day for months and months and years, then it just stops? Why? And I am just supposed to pretend that it isn't devastating.

I wish i was in a position to help other people. I wish that i had money to have given people gifts for Christmas. My sister has issues with me, though she is very kind to let me stay with her if need be, it would be kinda tense to stay with her in her tiny apartment with her boyfriend. It's not the worst place I've been, but it wouldn't be great. It's weird to see the politics of the world unfold. I try not to worry about things that might happen in the future because I know there is only so much i can do. And if the economic system i was born under collapses, and even if i am a casualty of that collapse, i can't be blaming myself for that as well. It was long under way before i was ever born. And worrying about all the things i cannot control isn't going to help me in the long run.

I dunno, I am being a debbie downer. I just needed to vent, and not write people at 4am that I shouldn't be writing. :S Goodnight.

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gettoop · 6 years

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A Way Out Review: You Can't Have One Without The Other

A Way Out isn't generally the hard-hitting, genuine, enthusiastic story of two convicts getting away jail it seems, by all accounts, to be. Now and again, it effectively strikes those notes, however extraordinary tonal movements, gimmicky QTEs, and an unpleasant finale murder any feeling or pressure contained in the amusement. At last, engaging conditions and some creative set pieces turn out to be its redeeming quality. Like chief Josef Fares' last amusement, Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons, A Way Out contains two heroes who encounter the diversion's story together. Not at all like Brothers, be that as it may, you'll require a companion to play with this time cycle; A Way Out is just playable in the community, either locally or on the web. Whichever you pick, you'll generally be playing in a split-screen that progressively moves between the particular perspectives of Leo- - a rash, forceful hoodlum antique - and Vincent- - a more even-tempered family man. Some of the time the screen will be part vertically, here and there on a level plane; now and again equitably, here and there unevenly; and at times not under any condition. This surrounding gadget is for the most part utilized as a part of intriguing courses, for example, giving more screen space to whoever's playing out a more imperative activity, or part the TV in three to likewise devote land to an assaulting NPC. Be that as it may, it can be a wellspring of aggravation, for example, when I was conversing with a cordial character, just for my accomplice to trigger a cutscene and for the screen to move completely to his view, finishing my discussion rashly.

This is an issue looked outside of cutscenes, as well. A Way Out's little explorable situations regularly contain numerous characters to talk with, yet in the event that you and your center pal both take part in various discussions in the meantime, the diversion has no preferred answer over to play all the sound in parallel, which means you battle to hear both of the discussions occurring before you. The issue is eased marginally on the off chance that you turn subtitles on, as each side of the screen contains its own set, yet the covering sound is as yet diverting. Such issues do aggravate, however they are to a greater degree a reference than a noteworthy strike against A Way Out's center just nature. Without an unruly accomplice, a portion of the diversion's champion minutes wouldn't feel so impactful. In one early scene, Leo and Vincent are endeavoring to hack away at their individual prison cells utilizing a screwdriver. While your accomplice wounds the divider behind his can, you should keep watch from your adjoining cell for watching monitors, possessing them when they get excessively close and cautioning the other player to look regular when your diversion comes up short. This is the point at which A Way Out is getting it done: speaking with (and depending on) your accomplice both in-diversion and, all things considered, makes these snapshots of strain reliably exciting. There are a modest bunch of these set pieces all through the 7-8 hour crusade that vibes exceptional and legitimizes the choice of compelling you to play with someone else.

The tone veers uncontrollably from a Shawshank-enlivened escape story to a senseless semi-farce of '70s wrongdoing dramatizations However, while those minutes do convey somewhere in the range of strain, this is on the grounds that you're sat straightaway (or talking) to somebody you think about and never in light of the fact that you're playing as somebody you nurture. The heroes and their inspirations are the blandest B-motion picture feed - criminals with escape and retribution on their brains, yet with the worn out included layer of vexed families. To exacerbate the situation, the exchange is stilted and unnatural. Discussions regularly end suddenly (paying little respect to whether your accomplice triggers a cutscene), and whole scenes pass by without including anything regarding plot or portrayal. A few lines specifically are cringeworthy- - amid one grouping in which a couple is hindered while engaging in sexual relations, female additional trains her male accomplice to close the entryway by saying, "I'm gettin' chilly in my woman parts." The tone veers fiercely from a Shawshank-motivated escape story to a senseless semi-spoof of '70s wrongdoing dramatizations, finish with overextended sideburns and a death over the fringe in a reprobate's remote Mexican sanctuary. In one scene, A Way Out nails the vibe of rebuffing jail life, and in another, it gives you a chance to act like youngsters on a play area swing. At times those clashing tones even manifest in parallel. One powerful late-diversion minute - where my character adapted some amazing and enthusiastic news on one side of the screen- - was destroyed by my accomplice cooperating with a bike chime on the opposite side that made his character shout, "ring, motherf***er!"

In the event that it's not the discourse hosing snapshots of strain, it's the diversion's various QTEs. While A Way Out uses planned catch tapping great in a few cases, for example, when our characters must time their pushes up a vent shaft while remaining consecutive, it likewise squanders scenes with gimmicky executions. The last playable segment of the diversion - the essence of this whole plot and hours of traveling and getting away and pursuing - comes down to squashing Square/X. A Way Out's third and fourth acts are by a wide margin its weakest: put something aside for one imaginative story beat, all innovativeness is lost and the amusement transforms into a fair activity frolic with iron deficient shooting and little else to do or think about.

Fortunately, whatever remains of the amusement (which is any longer than the benevolently contracted finale) contains all the more intriguing and shifted situations. All through your voyage, you'll head out from the jail to a timberland, a homestead, a silver screen, a trailer stop, and that's just the beginning, and each is loaded with items to collaborate with, riddles to comprehend, and individuals to converse with. These different regions are little yet thick, and they add shading to what could some way or another be a monochrome ton of good and terrible. The trailer stop was an undisputed top choice, offering an opportunity to respite and play some baseball or talk to optional characters. There's even a Trophy/Achievement for uncovering the previously mentioned couple to the man's abandoned spouse. This dazzling space comes amid what ought to be a period touchy minute when playing baseball or uncovering two-timing men would be the keep going things at the forefront of anybody's thoughts, says everything in regards to A Way Out's story and tone, be that as it may.

A Way Out has issues. When the credits rolled, my accomplice and I didn't generally feel like we'd been on quite a bit of an excursion with Leo and Vincent. We'd been on a topographical visit, beyond any doubt - one that was frequently trite, gimmicky, or cringe-worthy- - yet we didn't feel the match had picked up anything or developed in any significant way. I did, in any case, appreciate the adventure I'd been on with my companion sat beside me. We needed to pay special mind to each other while getting away jail, cooperate to tackle riddles and spare each other's life at numerous events. Our characters won't have developed nearer together, but rather A Way Out's constrained community is justified, despite all the trouble for the few champion minutes it gives.

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