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twoblueheartslocked · 3 years

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This Dancing Was Killing Me Softly/Blaine Solo Para.

PARA: This Dancing Was Killing Me Softly

RATING: PG-13/R

PAIRING: Blaine Self Para. (And Seblaine is still very much the endgame.)

BLAINE: @twoblueheartslocked

TIME: Blaine’s senior year and the four years leading up to present day.

LOCATION: Ohio and New York.

INFO: A glimpse into Blaine’s senior years and his following years with Kurt.

WARNINGS(PLEASE READ THIS): This para includes past Klaine and mentions mental abuse, physical abuse, some sexual abuse, brief thoughts of suicide, death (Blaine’s parents)

EXTRA WARNINGS: (This RP is NOT Kurt Hummel friendly. You’ve all been warned.)

NOTES: Some canon events remain in place while others have been changed. Some things may even be out of order. You can consider this sort of canon divergent AU. A few changes are that Blaine’s parents are different from the show (His mother is Filipina), he didn’t cheat on Kurt or date Dave and Sebastian is younger than Blaine. Feel free to send a message if you have any questions!

Under Cut for content and length.

Blaine’s Senior year was a blur of melancholy, loneliness, frustration and anger. He had tried, in bouts of regret so huge it made him sick to his stomach, so many times just to get Sebastian to respond to him, even if it was just to tell him to fuck off. He never got it and it gutted him. He’d get into his car and drive all the way to the Smythe’s house only to catch a glimpse and be thrown into a full blown panic attack. He had so many of those these days. Thoughts of Seb, thoughts of his dead parents, even performing seemed to tip him over the edge. He lost count of how many times Sam had to pull him aside and remind him that he didn’t have to do anything he didn’t want to do. Over time he managed to fake it just to get through the day. It felt like another loss to him and he wondered if he’d ever love get back his passion for music again.

Blaine missed his parents so much it hurt to breathe sometimes and Sebastian was never far from his mind even though he had, outwardly at least, let him go. Everything hurt to think about and when friends and other McKinley students bad mouthed Seb he’d get so angry and set them straight in a way probably bordered on overcompensation. He’d tell them that he broke up with Seb because he was still emotionally unavailable and that Sebastian had done nothing wrong. He tried his hardest to convince them that Seb had been perfect- hadn’t they sent that at the funeral? Blaine didn’t think they believed him with their looks of pity and that made him hurt all the worse. They would always see Seb as their villain and it killed him that they would never know how good he really was or how much he’d meant to Blaine or how Blaine still held their time so close to his chest it hurts to breathe. It didn’t help that everyone had heard the rumpus about Sebastian and David getting into a fight and the reasons why. The looks of pity intensified after that.

Blaine ruined everything and it made him ache for the other boy so badly two weeks in he’d stayed home for three days in his bed, scrolling through Sebastian’s Instagram, Twitter and even his rarely used Facebook, miserable and sobbing quietly much to Cooper's annoyance. His big brother made it clear that this was his own fault and he should get up and move on. Of course Blaine knew Cooper was mourning their parents, but his big brother resented him so much for being forced to move back to Ohio that he was having a hard time feeling bad for him. He knew it was selfish, he just didn’t have it in him to care. The move wasn’t Blaine’s fault. He hadn't dealt this shitty hand, and the powers that had told Cooper it wasn’t a good idea to uproot Blaine in the middle of his senior year. So Cooper was stuck and Blaine guessed his best way to deal with it was by being as cold as possible.

The numbness set in towards graduation and when Kurt, who had been hounding him to give them another go, relentless in his asking and coaxing and general sweetness, asked if he’d live with him and Rachel in New York. Convinced him that he had too much going on and that he could take a much needed year long break before starting NYU the next year, it was the perfect set up for Blaine and he reluctantly said yes. Besides, Kurt was the only one that wasn’t treating him like a ticking bomb. He was the only one that wasn’t tip toeing around touchy subjects and didn’t feed him bullshit lines. And even though Blaine didn’t love him, and even though he didn’t really want to be with him, he told himself this was better than being alone. Better than feeling this emptiness and longing for someone he didn’t rightfully deserve anymore. Sebastian, in his silence, had made it clear to Blaine that he didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. And well, maybe he could love Kurt again, maybe he could try. So while his smiles felt forced and his mind felt heavy he tried so hard to make it work. It never did and he’d regret it almost as much as letting Sebastian go.

Cooper had warned him not to move in with Kurt. Had told him it would be a mistake but Blaine was desperate to feel something other than sorrow or the empty numbness that ricocheted off of his loneliness in a way that made him wish he’d died instead. He should have said no, he really should have. He should have gotten a dorm, or stayed with David. He should have called Seb and begged him to talk to him because he loved him and not Kurt. But, he didn’t. He let himself be coerced and convinced and he’d live with the scars forever.

----

Year one was fine. Blaine even started to like dating Kurt again just a little. No, he didn't love him. He was still so fucking in love with Sebastian Smythe that he hated himself a little more everyday for not trying harder to get him back. That wasn’t the worst of it though, the worst was that Kurt knew Blaine still loved Sebastian. But, Kurt had just smiled sweetly and told him they just needed time to find their old balance and at least Blaine had stopped checking Sebastian’s socials.

Kurt, for his part, was the perfect gentleman for a while. He’d kiss Blaine, hold him, make him feel wanted. And Blaine accepted it, thinking it was okay enough. That it was what he deserved. Kurt didn’t even make him feel useless like he had when they were teens. Blaine had convinced himself that this was good enough, that maybe Kurt was right, maybe they just needed time. Blaine was wrong.

It started out small, little nagging things that seemed to piss Kurt off. Toothpaste not rolled perfectly, Blaine’s hair products spread too far out or a shirt left out on the bed. Kurt suddenly started judging Blaine’s sweet tooth, little faux playful pokes to his tummy, telling him he’d better cut back or he’d have to take out his clothes. Blaine began to feel guilt if he indulged even a little. And then things that made Blaine feel any bit of happiness started to annoy Kurt and he’d bite into Blaine with words until Blaine stopped trying out new things all together. Intimacy became a struggle between the two of them. Kurt started to take away his control and wouldn't let Blaine control anything. Whenever they were alone, suddenly Blaine was too big and it was too uncomfortable and Kurt only dealt with doing it that way because it made Blaine happy, but he couldn’t do it like that anymore. And Blaine, wanting so much to be touched and wanted, even if it was on his stomach without so much as a kiss- allowed it. Kurt became so controlling, almost clinical in the bedroom after the first year. A complete change from what they had been doing, Blaine couldn’t even pretend anymore. It was so different than being with Sebastian. There was no giggling, no exploring, no passion... Some months Kurt didn’t want him at all. It took Blaine more than a year to figure out that everything, from day one, had all been a game to Kurt.

The first time it happens it’s in the bedroom. Blaine’s dozing, drowsy from starting new classes after his year long break and at first the touch is so soft, intimate in a way that Blaine hadn’t felt in so long and he thinks maybe Kurt had reconsidered and wanted some intimacy. And God, Blaine was desperate for it, even if Kurt wasn’t who he really wanted, he was here and he was attentive…and why were his fingers squeezing so tightly? The touch grew harsher, strong, slender fingers digging into the back of his neck so hard it brought tears to Blaine’s eyes. There had to be a mistake. He tried to push away but Kurt smacked his hands down and pressed him into the bed, his breath harsh and his whisper sharp in Blaine’s ear, “Next time you’ll do better. Next time You won’t embarrass me.” And Blaine, to this day, still does not know what he’d done wrong. Was it the party with Kurt’s work friends? Did he not play well enough? Did he talk too much? His confusion was broken by fear as Kurt squeezed harder, just holding Blaine there; relentless until a sob broke free and his pleas of please stop, please worked. His fingers loosened and Kurt leaned in and kissed the back of Blaine’s neck in a mockery of kindness like it would take away what he’d done. Blaine curled into himself, his pitiful whimpers echoing in his ears until Kurt hissed at him to shut up and stop it. He felt so low that he couldn’t even lift his head to ask why.

The next night, he drank too much, sitting alone in their apartment while Kurt was at Vogue and Blaine, forgetting that Seb didn’t want to hear from him, pressed in the familiar name and called him. Sebastian picked up on the fourth ring sounding a little drunk himself, his voice raspy and sounding like home. Like an old favorite song that he hadn’t heard in a long while and talking to him felt like air breathed into the lungs of a drowning man. Blaine had sobbed to Seb about missing him and wanting to see him and Seb responded in kind gently telling Blaine he missed him back, and that he was sorry for how things ended and maybe they could talk again… There was hope glimmering in the other man's voice and Blaine felt a warmth he hadn’t in so long from the words and he wanted so badly to beg Sebastian to help him, to save him… to just love him again. Seb heard the catch in Blaine’s voice and asked him what was wrong- why did he sound like that? And Blaine almost let it all out, he was breaths away from it when Rachel caught him. And the phone was dropped and Blaine shrank into himself with a new fear that he’d never felt before.

Rachel told Kurt and Kurt left new marks in a different part of his body with his fingers. And as he sniffled and silently tried not to cry again curled into himself- he wondered why Rachel had spoken up about his conversation with Sebastian but not about his cries and struggles that he knew she could hear over the last two nights.. She would keep her silence up for years.

The morning after his drunken call, Blaine woke up bleary eyed and miserable and sore only to discover that Kurt had deleted every single picture of Sebastian off of his phone. “It’s like cheating, Blaine. Don’t look at me like that. You did this to yourself you know. Besides, he doesn’t want you, he doesn’t love you. You’ve seen his Instagram. He’s happy alone. There is no point in having those painful reminders there. You should be thanking me for getting rid of him. It’s good that you broke up with him when you did, he would have left you eventually anyway, that’s what he does. I’ve heard all the stories…” Blaine tried his hardest not to react, scared that he’d get hurt again. And it was stupid how fast fear set in. How could something so small lead up to something so damn big. That was the day he’d made us the lie about the teddy bear. He hoped to god Seb had kept their memories even if he hated him. Deep down he knew that Kurt was right, maybe he’d made up the love they shared for those euphoric six months. It was probably all in his head and Sebastian was better off without him anyway and he realized then that he was starting to feel as worthless as Kurt made him feel he was. Still, when he slept, he’d dream of constellations of freckles and sea green eyes and a smile that was only for him.

----

As the years go by Blaine lives in a world that isn’t his own. Friends try to help him, Sam and David desperate as they beg him to leave, but Blaine argues, tells them he’s fine. That he likes the turtlenecks even in the summer. And his mother would be so ashamed of what he’s allowed himself to become. He couldn’t even mourn his parents out loud for fear of ridicule. He became a househusband that’s only job was to look pretty, make dinners for Kurt’s friends, play and sing pretty songs and then get rewarded him kisses or sex or a gift that never felt worth it. And sometimes Blaine would mess up, make the wrong thing for dinner just to watch Kurt throw hours of work away, only to be asked to get out of the house while his friends are there. Learn to go months without a single kind touch, or kiss, sometimes not even words. He remembers being forced to watch as Kurt intentionally ruined hours of homework, only to pretend it was an accident. Blaine, not wanting to fail, stayed up for hours trying to fix it. He remembers only managing half of it and only vaguely remembers his gentle professor slipping him a card from domestic abuse and giving Blaine two extra days finish. School becomes his sanctuary.

Blaine saves the card, tucks it into his notebook like a lifeline, terrified to use it and it isn’t until Sam finds it that Blaine is forced to review his situation and Sam begs him to call. He calls it. He listens to the advice and when the time comes he stands up for himself.

“I can’t take it anymore, Kurt. I’m done.”

And Kurt goes to grab his neck, his other hand coming up to hit Blaine in his face, a place his boyfriend had never dared to hit before. A rage comes over him and he pushes Kurt hard. So hard he hits the ground with a loud bang, his eyes wide and his mouth set in an O of surprise. Blaine felt brave and tall for the first time in a long time as he looked down at Kurt.

“You’ll never touch me again. Never fucking again.”

And then he left, trembling from head to toe, and asked David if he could stay with him for the night. He remembers breaking down and calling Coop. And while they weren’t close anymore, and there was still resentment, Cooper comes to the rescue when he hears his baby brother’s quiet sobs and the words ‘he was hurting me.’ Blaine’s brother managed to get to New York from California in record time, and Blaine was out with almost all of his belongings- sans a pretty guitar, the last gift from his mom, a relic of his past he’d probably never see again. Just another way for Kurt to control him. And Blaine was tucked away in Brooklyn inside a little, imperfect apartment he got to make his own, that was paid up for four months, enough time for him to find work and get on his feet, and only the ones he chose were privileged enough to know its locked location. He owed Cooper so much now.

And even though he was finally able to breath a bit after countless therapy sessions Blaine still wonders why... Why did he let it happen for so long, and why did he wait so long to save himself?

/fin

#seblaine canon divergence #seblaine #Blaine Self Para #twoblueheartslocked #colorsicantsee #para #Para: This Dancing Was Killing Me Softly #tw #may be triggering

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