#round and bulbous are ways to describe how the English name sounds in comparison to my name

[lilalilan]

Or I guess. I say that I have it easy comparatively, but that's not entirely true. My name has an English equivalent. I'm pretty sure most people think of them as the same, but they're not.

My name is sharp. Quick and sleek. It means innocence and purity (which I love for the irony of it all). My name is not in English.

The English version of my name is slow and clunky and round. It means nothing in and of itself, although it's derived from a different name that doesn't have a meaning to it. Even if English speakers try to say my name correctly, it's too slow, too clunky. I'd rather they call me by the different, similar, English name than butcher my actual one.

It hurts. Assimilation is a violent process when the individual doesn't want to do it, and people attempting to force my name into their version of it hurts. People claiming they know my name when it's never actually, properly left their mouth hurts. It's not my name or my culture, it's your name and your culture that I am forced to accept because you get annoyed when I tell you it's not my name and that you're saying it wrong when you try to say my name.

I hate that I have to speak your language if I want you to understand. Do you understand what it's like to be forced to translate yourself if you want to be understood, but by the fact of translation never being able to actually be understood? Do you understand what it's like to never be able to exist in your entirety around other people? Do you know what it's like to be refused something as basic as your own name, while being told that this bulbous, noxious thing is the same as your name?

#put this as it's own thing because it deserves to be it's own thing #I'm fucking done translating myself for people who don't actually give a shit about me #this is frustration with irl people not including irl friends who follow me here because you're all cool #everyone i know irl that I know follow me are in the category of people who I care about and genuinely want to connect and communicate with #sometimes the pain of fitting myself into a box is worth the cool people I get to interact with #idk if any of this is cohesive it's a ball of stuff that's been floating around my brain for a bit but not something I've fully thought out #also not trying to imply fatness is bad #round and bulbous are ways to describe how the English name sounds in comparison to my name #and I dislike the name because it's effectively forced onto me not because of anything to do with the name itself