#ren.sensitive

[nuoyi-city]

​i think a person is most ugly when they look at themselves in a mirror or when they're trying to take a nice picture because at that moment, they're not stimulated by any emotion and their face is devoid of feeling. tbh, i used to strongly believe facial features are what define a person's physical beauty. i took pride in my facial features being superior to those of nearly everyone i knew. when i entered 10th grade, i slowly lost my bubbly charm and the spark in my eyes, lost my will and motivation to do daily tasks, emotionally distanced myself from people, and just felt burnt out in general. i used to turn heads and catch people’s attention with my appearance, but i don’t anymore. at some point, i lost myself. i stopped taking care of myself. every glance taken at a mirror takes away another piece of my self confidence and love i hold for myself. i used to think it’s because i’ve gained a little weight and my facial features have gotten uglier, but as i watched people who i used to think were ugly— people with diverse physical features and body types— post stunning pictures of themselves, i realised that nobody’s physical features changed, it was the view of themselves they held that had improved, thus making them prettier. i don't like how i look and i don’t smile as often, especially not from my heart, and that’s why i’m not pretty anymore.

i think a person is most pretty when they’re truly themselves and when they’re so engrossed in the moment that they forget about their physical self. when they’re going on and on about something they love or are passionate about, when they’re on the edge of the couch watching a long-awaited moment from their favorite tv show, when they’re enjoying ice-cream with a friend, when they’re screaming on a roller coaster, when they’re napping after a long day, or when they’re cackling at a meme they found online. i think a person is most pretty when they’re alive. cameras cannot capture your physical beauty, your glow, and your charm in these moments, only people can. sometimes we forget how beautiful we can be because we see ourselves from the pov of a camera or a mirror, and not human eye.

i’m most alive when i’m talking to people and making new friends; the more i converse physically, the more i thrive. when i started going to school in person and talking to so many people, i started turning heads again— not as much as i used to, but it’s a great start. it’s because i’m in my zone, i’m feeding and nurturing my soul. i’m the best version i can be and i feel my inner self pouring out, coating my skin, making me glow.

find those moments when you truly feel yourself, when your inner self thrives, when it is fed and nurtured. appreciate them, hold onto them, chase after them, recreate them, and let them heal you. let them bring out the best version of yourself and make you the prettiest you can be.

5 STAR by CL is one out of many songs that make me feel the same way.

there is a song out there that’ll make you feel more you than ever. use it to remind yourself to chase after the real and pretty you.

weirdly inspired by ish, also what i would reply to one of her posts with.

#12262004 #ren.mp3 #ren.sensitive

[kunrengui]

my mother keeps sending pictures of skinny girls

#today she sent a pic of a childhood friend who was really chubby but now she's skinny and chic #she wants me to get inspired or whatever #i w i s h i w a s s k i n n y #ren.sensitive

[nuoyi-city]

i was just scrolling through my mom's yt and came across a performance vid with people from carnatic music class from a few years ago and went 'when did this happen??? why wasn't i included???' my mom reminded me that the aunty in my class did tell her abt it and asked if i was up for it but only the night before the performance making it impossible to learn the entire song in time so we had to back out. im the best vocal (and also the prettiest im not going to fucking lie) in my class so by doing this she made sure the yt video focused on her daughter (who is second to me in terms of skill). the video has like 10k views which isn't very high but it's still something and i feel so fucking miserable because no matter what i do or say i'm always always being pushed down. everyone is always either jealous of me or hate me and i'm always excluded and people go behind my back to say nasty stuff about me while i just don't understand why?? can't they just treat me the same as everyone else?? why is it always always me what did i ever do to you?? i mean well i even help people out a shit ton and waste a bunch of my time helping people to get on their good side so i just don't get why things turn out this way for me every single fucking time. atp even though in reality i am so much more skilled, experienced, and genuine than others, there's absolutely no proof of it while others have stacks of certificates proving they're social workers when they don't give a shit about anything but themselves or vocalists when they can't even sing beginner level varnas without mistakes. i just wish life would, for once, reward me according to my skill, hard work, and worth.

im just tired of having to get on people's good sides just to be treated normally and i think i stopped doing it a year or two ago because if my existence bothers you so much then that's not my problem, that's yours, and i think i'd rather be a loner.

also some of the girls from my class went out for lunch after exams and literally none of them invited me?? even though each of them talk to me individually and like me (or at least they seemed like they did). they were the ones who pursued a friendship with me and after 1.5 yrs of texting, when they finally decide to meet in person, they don't invite me?? idk like i rlly dont understand why they'd do that other than wanting to personally attack me. all people want to do is run after my title and my background and my family's money. they probably only befriended me for my money and the well reputed school i was previously from.

my irl ex-friend, my closest friend for 5 years (middle school + halfway through highschool), completely dumped me because i pissed her off over text by gently and subtly calling her out to be a toxic army. we haven't texted or spoken to each other in a whole year. the last time i saw her in person was when she snuck my entire friend group into our apt complex for a sleepover and didn't tell me about it and when i tried to talk to her she ignored me on my face. i only happened to met them because i was out buying food for my brother from the supermarket on a very uneventful new years eve and met them on the way.

#well that went v off topic #it feels nice to note it down somewhere though #i like using my main blog as a personal diary #also like i have to hold back on so so so many tjings when talking to someone irl but here no matter what i say #it doesnt feel like im bragging because none of you are people i find the need to impress #so feel free to block the tag for all sensitive stuff #ren.sensitive

[nuoyi-city]

never thought tumblr mutuals could fix my longtime illness of hating my own birthday to death

#i cried buckets in the bathroom exactly 30 hours ago out of pure hate for my birthday #at some point my breathing became ragged and loud and my mother burst in like 'heart attack?????' #i'm crying rn. except because i feel so touched. #i cannot thank you enough for everything you guys have done today #i've received the best gifts and messages. even if they're not in person or physical. i love them much more than anything i've gotten today #ren.sensitive

[kunrengui]

ANNOUNCEMENT BUT DNI

so my dad is in serious condition (he's in the ICU and his resporatory system is nearly failing..?) and we'll be going to the US on the 5th so my timezone will be changing, i'll make sure to update once i get there.

dw!! the doctors are saying that there will be improvement and tbh im not worried at all, i believe he'll be fine. im thinking of this as a vacation ngl.

#ren.sensitive

[kunrengui]

i have decided: im going to go on a healthy diet.

not more than 3 solid healthy meals a day. no snacks, no sugar, no extra carbs. drink water whenever im hungry.

no perugu (dahi, curd, whatever). no milk.

2 rotis / a bowl of rice with whatever curry my mother makes. nothing more and nothing less.

im going to even make a side blog to keep track and keep it open. i really shoudnt deviate and take this seriously if i wanna pull this off.

please please please work.

also please dont try to convince me otherwise. slap me if you find me sneaking a sweet in between. i will be recording eVERYTHING.

#i really really wanna reduce weight #i want to reduce the pressure on my left leg ao i can dance freely again #i hate this #my ligament tore 3 yrs ago and it still hurts #it hurts when i dance or when i walk too much at once #i used to be so fucking athletic i hate this #i cant even exercise bc of the pain #i want to pick up dancing again #i want to start walking 20000 steps a day again #i really really reallyyyyy hope i stick to the diet and dont deviate #i really really really wanna reduce weight #i wanna be skinny too #im so fucking pretty bitch id be 100x prettier if i were skinnier i sWEAR #ive decided #i hope saying it out loud or typing it out makes it more real #universe please oh please dont let me deviate and dont tempt me #ren.sensitive #ren.mp3

[kunrengui]

.

#i feel so sick ive never felt this sick before a test #id always go in with the confidence that id get it or that whatever happens happens bubtnow #*but now #omfg my parents are literally going to hold it over my head for the rest of my life if i dont score above 1450 help #theyre going to do the whole desi style 'i know u want me to die thats why youre trying to be so stupid' drama if i get bad #ugh now what no #aHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #whatever score i get wont be enough for them help #i want to disappearrrrrr😭😭😭😭😭 #i really really hope my parents accept whatever score i receive 😭😭😭😭😭 #bht theyre not goin gto theyre going to be stupid and dramatic for anything below 1500 #i keep getting a 1300 on the practice tests but i havent told them bc theyd be super diappointed #im going to fail im going to fail im going to fail im going to fail im going to fail- #i suck at eveything studies why cant i just bring myself to hold a textbook ever #i shouldve started studying earlier i hate myself #ren.sensitive

[kunrengui]

not my mother using her sweet voice and telling my 11 year old brother that he can choose whatever profession he wants when he grows up only to tell him to become a doctor 2 seconds later because the pay is high and doctors are respectable

#i really dont like the way my parents are being with my brother #this isnt healthy they're making the same mistakes they made with me #and now im fighting with my mother because i said #'dont freaking lie abt letting him do what he wants from a young age when youre just going to force him to do what you want in the future #she just went 👁👁 you ungrateful child this is just you being salty abt me being salty bc you took a path i told you not to take and got #worse grades than before👁👁🔪 #yEA I TOOK BUSINESS BECAUSE IT WAS THE SAFEST OPTION OTHER THAN DOCTOR AND ENGINEER BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO DO EITHER YOU DUMB- #anyways please dont ruin my brother's childhood because you're disgusted by me #im trying to convince my parents to be okay with whatever path he takes- even arts #and theyre being all ಠ_ಠ no ew we wont even let him take business i mean look at you ( ͠° ͟ʖ ͡°) #my household needs help #ha. haha #ren.sensitive

[kunrengui]

...

#my dad's first night outside the hospital #my mom and i are taking turns watching him #by taking turns i mean im going to do this myself tonight bc the lady needs her sleep #good thing i have a long list of to be read fics #I HAVENT SLEPT IN MORE THAN 24 HRS THO- #i hope i dont fall asleep hjbfedhjbfedhk #ren.sensitive

[kunrengui]

announcement but DNI

hi im sorry ive been kinda inactive on my main these days (im still writing, just slower than usual)

my dad went to the US and got covid, he's in the hospital and we were going to travel across half the globe to see him but turns out the relatives living in our house in US also got covid so now we cant stay at our house and will have to rent one of those hotel rooms with a kitchen for a month, if we do go (does that make sense)

anyways i just thought i should let you guys know! i might be switching to a completely different timezone as well (for a month or two only)

we're doing good! my mum is stressed but we're handling it well + we have tons of help and relatives that are a call away on both ends.

please dont reply, reblog or send an ask regarding this

#ren.sensitive

[kunrengui]

hi just talked to a rlly close irl friend (he's nice) who i didnt talk to in a long time (DNI, i just need to get this off my chest)

#ren.sensitive #lets call him j #and lets call the guy i liked and pursued for 5 years V (im sorry taetae let me borrow the letter) #the guy who ruined my high school years and broke me #j is nice also kinda friends with v #so uh 3-4 months ago v asked me out and by that time i realised how much of a jerk he was so i rejected him #he said he 'wont give up' just like i didnt for years #and i was like okay yea have fun wid dat im done with love doe #i also might have dumped all my frustration from 5 yrs in 2 phone calls #so he said he wont give up then proceeded to never call me and i didnt care bc hes trash #then after i told j idc about v anymore he told me that v said i was just his back up or something #that he liked another girl and he was doing a lot to ask her out #i am never pursuing a guy again scrap that im never falling for another guy again guys freaking suck #am i really so unlikable. 5 years of me being nice to him and us being close friends and this is what i mean to him? #am i really worth so less? nobody made me feel as bad as he did #am i really that freaking unlikable and unbearable? is it just me whos delusional and thinking that it's their fault thye dont like me #throughout those 4 years he tokd everyone he knew/met that i asked him out multiple times and he turned me down #i hate him bc this hurts even though ik hes trash #i literally followed him EVERYWHERE like a lost puppy id bunk classes id do anything and everything to gain as many seconds as i can withhim #everyone would think i was pathetic for pursuing him for so long but did i bacc off? no. #it hurts omg hes trash wth i should like stahp he doesnt freaking matter #and apparently hes super good at academics and sports and like had a glow up and stuff now #and that makes me feel worse it makes everything so much more painful wth?? #maybe bc it's the opposite for me. i increased weight. my grades📉📉. and i havent played sports in so long #but thats bc i had a ligament tear and i cant stress my leg too much. walking over 5000 steps a day triggers the pain

[kunrengui]

im not feeling so good

#mentally #my parents just indirectly said some hurtful things and like the idiot i am im going to forget it happened by tomorrow #but it's slightly painful rn so #what am i going to do you ask? #drown myself in the entire hot sauce album #ren.sensitive #my stomach feels sick hedsbhjkdj i want to run away for a while but ik i wont skkskskkskksksk #god bless the world for giving me a mac and a pair of earphones

[kunrengui]

it's 11:50 p.m. i will literally cry from the lack of sleep

my mother finally gave me time to sleep: till like 2 or 3 a.m. (ill have to wake up at 1 and do something for 10 min or so but that's okay) we're taking turns looking over my dad during the night

and my math teacher just sent a message saying he'll take class at 10 (he's following ist so for me that'll be 12:30 for me)

help i cant stop my tears

#math teacher's been postponing class for nearly 5 days for god knows what reasons #i specified the timings and told him that anythign aoutside these time slots would be midnight for me #and will make it hard for me to attend bc id have to wake up in the middle of the night #but he seems to not understand and if i tell him now hes going to be like lets take class tomorrow then and postpone for another 5 days #and then the other girl in tuition will complain to her mother abt how it's all bc of my dtupid time zone difference and thu sis my fault #sometimes this is why i hate india #some people here have no decency or respect or concern or basic manners #im so sorry for saying that but im just so fucking annoyed #ren.sensitive

[kunrengui]

i feel like puking whenever i think about the amount of crap i had to go telling people to console them at my grandfather's funeral

#tw: mentions of death #tw: funeral #funerals are the fakest shiet ive ever seen in my entire life #'he was a good person' #'a kind soul' #'dw he'll be in a good place in heaven' #worst part was consoling my dad and saying 'he was a good man' when both of us knew he wasnt #the way my mum and i consoled my grandmother saying that he'll be reborn as my cousin's son (who was born a week later) #and then came home and prayed that it doesnt happen bc we wont be able to deal with it #ren.sensitive

[nuoyi-city]

i wonder when i started giving up

#ren.sensitive

[nuoyi-city]

.

#it's 2:10 am #i have a board exam in a few hours #im so sleepy but i dont want to sleep #i want to suffer #suffer the pain of knowing i did not spend a second on preparing for this exam #suffer the pain of knowing i am doomed in both this exam and in my life #due to my inability to work hard or even put minimal effort into something #ren.sensitive