#read this like the jughead im weird monologue

[beesmygod]

this is what riverdale is about (part 5)

part 1

part 2

part 3

part 4

hey guys. im back to upset you with more information about the first season of riverdale. the next post will wrap up season one. this post will cover eps 7-9. iirc the previous episodes, even when watching it, felt like filler. i was worried i was never going to get the fire of the first three episodes back. we do. don’t worry.

images are from the riverdale wiki

SEASON 1 (PART 3):

in a lonely place: jughead is now living in the high school, living every weirdo teenager’s worst nightmare. even better, literally everyone finds out about his relationship with betty “harriet the spy” cooper, making things a little awkward in the group. while discussing polly’s bold escape, cheryl’s goon squad of mean teen girls let her know the hot goss, which she takes to her mother and the sheriff to implicate polly in the murder of jason blossom. she then, and i mean this 100% literally and honestly, goes on twitter and tries to get the following hashtags trending: #PollyCooperKilledMyBrother, #NowhereToHide, and #SharpenYourPitchforks.

jughead then tries to convince his alcoholic, gang leader dad to shape up and get his job back at andrews construction but his dad is a stupid dick. later the gang goes on a hunt for polly in the woods. when this is unsuccessful, betty’s mom reveals ALL about polly’s pregnancy on camera during her plea for her to come home. it turns out polly is just hiding in the attic of the house, where betty finds her. polly begs betty not to tell anyone where she is and that she wants to have the baby and continue with her plan to go to the farm upstate where she will raise it herself. keep that in mind.

with the knowledge about the baby out in the open, cheryl offers an olive branch to betty by offering to let polly secretly stay at their house. cheryl is truly a capricious trickster spirit who pivots from one extreme to another at the drop of a hat.

then literally the most crazy and inexplicable thing int his episode happens: veronica, kevin and josie go to a fucking club on a school night. these teenage kids go to a club in a town that primarily runs on maple syrup and they are let in for some unexplained reason and this is just portrayed as a normal thing you can do in riverdale. they are minors and end up drinking for free when hermoines mom cancels her card and they threaten the owner by exposing him for serving minors. this scene is BONKERS

jugheads dad goes back to work with fred andrews but there’s tension between him and archies dad. literally none of it ends up mattering. don’t worry about it. jughead tells his dad that his mom is getting her GED, working in a call center to support jellybean (his little sister, not like a dog or something). this is a huge spoiler from the future but i dont know if the riverdale writers forgot about this scene or don’t care but none of this turns out to be true to their situation at all. not even close.

jughead is arrested and unarrested for jason’s murder when archie’s dad inexplicably forges a time card to cut him loose. the only proof was fingerprints on the torched car, which are still there for some reason. cheryl intercepts betty yet again to warn her and polly that the blossoms also are insane weirdos who just want her for the baby so polly is shipped off to the stay with the lodge family in the 5 star hotel.

the final shot reveals jason’s varsity jacket is in jughead’s dad’s trailer...for some reason.....

the outsiders: this ep starts with polly explaining literally everything we already know except with the added information that jason was selling drugs FOR the southside serpents for money for the baby. betty worries about how escalating situation between the coopers and the blossoms and who gets control of what when it comes to polly and the baby, and veronica bizarrely suggests they hold a baby shower to unite the feuding families. if you just want to have a party just say so.

clifford blossom, professional bastard man, has purchased archie’s dad’s construction crew out from under him which leaves the project in limbo. he confesses to archie about how fucked the company is now and how everything is fucked. clifford is also making a play for the land veronica’s dad secretly bought from prison using his wife as a proxy, which makes the whole “let’s host a baby shower thing at our apartment and invite the blossoms” thing seem like a hugely bad idea now. BUT DONT WORRY TEAM!!! 4 high school boys are here to do construction for no pay to save the company. no one verbalizes what an insane plan this is. they carry on until moose, the big closeted gay lad, get his ass flipped like a pancake by two anonymous goons who bust up some equipment and moose’s face. archie the brain genius decides he’s going to solve this mystery himself, taking moose and jughead to a bar called “the whyte wyrm” (literally the worst name for anything ever in human history) to find out who did the slapping. as archie is about to get his head caved in by a gangster, jugheads dad shows up in his cool leather jacket, revealing himself to be the head of the gang.

the baby shower is a miserable affair. alice cooper shows up, penelope blossom shows up, for some reason they bring the senile grandmother. the tension is so thick you can cut it with a knife. then archie BUSTS in flipping his ass about jughead’s dad being a gangster. the just immediately throw him out which kind of rules because no one has time for him right now. the baby shower ends horrible when the blossoms make the lightest suggestion that polly might visit them and betty’s mom loses her fucking mind. everyone shuffles out except for polly, betty and alice. POLLY NOW DECIDES TO REVEAL THAT HER DAD HAD SCHEDULED AN APPOINTMENT FOR AN ABORTION APROPOS OF NOTHING. COME ONNN. anyway alice focuses her insane rage on hal who she boots out of the fucking house for his insane choice.

jughead and betty ask jugheads dad if he killed jason, he denies it and then they share a smooch outside the trailer. “they” being jughead and betty, not his dad. that would be a little too weird. well, not as weird as the reveal that jugheads dad has been instructing kevin’s serpent boyfriend to date him and pretend to like him for information.that’s pretty fucking weird. jughead’s dad refers to jason’s jacket as “insurance”.

jughead’s dad then shows up with his gang to take over the construction from the 4 high school boys, but hermoine reveals that the goons that were sent were sent by her husband, who might have caught wind of her affair with fred.

polly wisely decides to take her change with a different insane family instead of the one that tried to force an abortion on her and heads to thornhill manor with cheryl and the rest of the blossoms.

la grande illusion: i really need to thank whoever transcribed this entire narrative buttnugget from jughead because it truly is a spectacular example of the level of writing quality you get from the fine people at the cw. please enjoy this screencap of the opening monologue from the riverdale wiki:

today in riverdale is the annual meeting of the board of trustees, where the blossom family meets to discuss the state of the business and slurp syrup in redheaded harmony. the wigs on this show are outstanding and never more noticeable than when they’re all lined up in a row for you to appraise. cheryl invites archie to the tree-tapping ceremony and he, for reasons i cannot understand given everything we know and love about cheryl, accepts, albeit after some prodding on her mom’s behalf. she knows people at a very prestigious music academy you know, nudge nudge. betty thinks its also a good idea for him to go so he can check up on polly, who is ignoring betty’s calls now.

ethel, who you probably remember from the “sticky maple” episode, reads a fucked up poem to the class and veronica reaches out to ask her what the FUCK that was all about. things at home aren’t good for ethel: her family is fighting over money and they’re going to have to sell the house. so veronica invites her over for a play date with kevin so they can do whatever rich people do.

archie attends the tree tapping with cheryl where he holds a bucket and cheryl taps the tree. everyone claps. great job cheryl. archie comes to her defense when her family shit talks her ability to hit a tree or lead a company, but i guess they somehow don’t know that she is the most wild bitch on the planet and can not be dissuaded from doing anything. in fact, she insists that archie join her for a banquet later and he CANNOT say no.

betty is told polly is fine, and passes on this and the news from the blossom shareholder meeting to her mother who plans to use this information to destroy the blossoms using her newspaper. betty’s mother is truly a needlessly perpetually horrible woman for literally no reason almost 100% of the time. if its not to betty its to her sister and if not to her then to any random stranger she can sink her fangs into. however, her husband is still fucking pissed about the whole “getting thrown out” thing and is enacting a one man coupe on the newspaper. alice trashes her own office in retaliation. these people are the worst.

meanwhile veronica realizes that ethel’s dad used to work for her father, until hiram lodge’s incredibly illegal deeds financially ruined them all. ethel’s father tries to commit suicide and veronica shows up with flowers explaining how her family is the one responsible for all this. as you can expect ethel is not really pumped about this turn of events and tells her to tell the truth at her dad’s trial.

at the banquet, archie is HIGHLY encouraged by the blossoms to keep seeing cheryl. perhaps...in a romantic way? i wonder what reason this family of redheads could have for trying to indoctrinate yet another ginger into their fold. they share a weird kiss and archie flees, but not before securing two bits of information: polly warns him that the blossoms are involved in jason’s death and the blossoms themselves are close to securing the drive-in plot and part of their plan was to send veronica’s father to jail to eliminate the competition.

betty FOR SOME REASON invites her mother to write her expose at the school newspaper. why? i don’t know. her mom accepts. why? i don’t know. archie’s girlfriend, valerie, dumps him because he’s been spending so much time for cheryl, which i don’t know what he was expecting. in the final scene, cheryl, spurned by archie, scratches out his and polly’s face from a photo of the tree tapping. like a normal person would

---

if you like my posts and write ups on various things you can see more of it on my patreon, which is primarily for my webcomic, but sometimes other things too. consider tossing me a buck for more freebies. ok bye see you next time for the end of season 1

#riverdale