#quietly reapplying to school to go into stem field

[adlibitur]

never felt exactly like this before

#so used to failing lately the idea of trying again feels like something that will be laughed at if i bring it up #quietly reapplying to school to go into stem field #i just feel like this is stupid and im gonna waste money and fail again no matter how much i want this #i feel like IM stupid #im having a little bit of a moment feeling excruciatingly stupid #yes almost everyone in my life will go on at length about how smart they think i am but i am HAUNTED violently so by the times #that ive been told i seem like i would drop out or im not focused or im just stupid and fixated on shit and im trying not to cry about it #i know im not dumb but im tired of wasting money and feeling like a waste as a person #i cant believe i screwed up my academics for men year after year so FUCKING stupid so so fucking stupid #the self confidence is fake here yall im less self confident than i was ten years ago i question every little thing now #i am so so lost in life and that makes me feel so so fragile #trying not to sink into the feeling of dead ends and dread because well #dread triggers my narcolepsy lmao and i cant afford to sleep the rest of the day rn #i both feel like i could do this and get it done and be quiet about it but then i also feel like #i could lay here and rot until i die and that sounds equally as tempting #i feel so childishly stupid when i think about my life like i expected something other than reality and reality is a little defeating honest #but thats life isnt it