#posts about t always seem to get people Passionate so uh. wish me luck | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ezilo · 5 years

Text

Title: Nous sommes davantage dans le temps

Summary: Dan’s milestones are somehow linked with youtube videos and Phil, and sometimes both.

Rating: T

Read on ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16507325

Author’s note: So. This has been sitting in my laptop for literal months now and I just worked up the courage to post it. Huge thanks to @auroraphilealis for betaing (seriously if this is any good it’s thanks to her) and inspiring this and generally being wonderful. This is kind of dedicated to her, and to everything her writing has done for me, and a lot of people I think. This is based on a list of the most popular type of videos on youtube, my philosophy exam and a conversation with elizajane. I also know practically nothing about philosophy so don't judge me on that. Oh and the title is from something my philosophy teacher said last year: "Nous sommes davantage dans le temps que le temps est en nous" which translates to "We are more in time than time is in us". It was the starting point of this fic, actually.

As always, english isn't my first language so if there are any mistakes, feel free to tell me!

Back to School tutorial

Here’s the thing. Knowing something inside and out, diving into it, knowing every corner of it, apparently doesn’t make you accept it.

Dan knows time. He knows universe. He knows what Pascal, Leibniz, Einstein, and others have said about it. Descartes is no stranger to him, even in the original language, thanks to the Canadian boy he spent a few weeks with (or was it months?) who used to read him the Discours de la Méthode with so much passion Dan just had to kiss him.

Dan knows about the universe. He knows how others explain it.

But that doesn’t mean he’s satisfied with the answers he gets.

He knows that the present cannot be grasped, not truly, has swallowed quotes about this his entire study life, but he’s still longing for something that will help him anchor himself to the present. He’s had the feeling of belonging, finally, at the banged up kitchen table in Workingham, one hand buried in Collin’s fur, curls freed and smiling wide. He’s had the swelling, wool like grasping at his heart of falling in love with eyes and lips and thoughts and giggles.

But still.

Present doesn’t hold him, or he doesn’t hold the present, or he doesn’t understand what present is, or he should stop drinking coffee at eleven pm.

Dan can’t sleep, but maybe that’s because he keeps asking questions that even philosophy cannot answer when he should just ask to sleep. He’s never been good at asking one thing. It’s easier to think his brain is aching because of the sense of time and the universe than because his first class is tomorrow.

He ends up losing himself in back to school youtube videos, and trying not to remember that he’s over thirty.

Funny animals compilation

Dan’s fidgeting with the marker, popping the cap off, pushing it back down nervously, twirling it between his fingers. He’s early, for the first time in his life, which means there’s one less reason he can prove himself to be an absolute fail.

The timetable on the door says that at eight thirty there’s an “Introduction to the philosophy of space and time” by Professor D. Howell.

Professor. For a minute he thought there was someone else named D Howell, because surely that couldn’t be him, right?

He sinks into the chair, head falling between his hands, and he can feel them trembling, where they bury in his hair. He ignores the hollow noise echoing around him that he thinks is most likely his head being annoying, but thus far his head has never said ‘hello?’ in a man’s voice, so he looks up.

“Yes?” he says to the tall man whose hand is still poised on the door.

“Hi! I’m so sorry to bother you, but I’m looking for the seminar room 205 but I got lost, and then I was on the right track and then I got lost again. So do you know where that is?”

Dan’s momentarily baffled by the amount of things the man said so quickly, and the chipper tone of his voice, like all of the words are lifted up in the last syllable.

“Uhm, yeah,” he clears his throat nervously, fist tightening around the marker in his right hand. “It’s right down the hall, then turn left. Third door on the right.”

“Oh, I had no idea it was this close. I’m really sorry to bother you again.” And that doesn’t really make any sense, it’s the first time he’s bothered him, but Dan recognizes the nervous rush of words, he’s felt this flustered himself in a lot of situations.

There’s a pause where Dan is about to say that it’s completely fine if he ever remembers how to use actual words, but the man speaks up again. “And good luck for your class!”

That makes Dan let out some kind of half chuckle, and some words miraculously tumble out of his mouth. “Thanks, it’s my first day,” he says, which is too much information. The man will probably just nod politely and leave immediately.

“I’m sure it’ll go great! Are you nervous?”

“Definitely yeah.” Which is, again, too much information, and too honest.

“You don’t need to be. You know your stuff, right?”

Dan nods, gets a smile in response.

“And the students will love you.”

“Thanks.”

If the man’s offended by Dan’s short answer, he doesn’t say, and it doesn’t show. Dan really wishes he could say something more, he really does, but he’s unsure of what; how do you deal with a stranger’s kindness? This is why he doesn’t go outside.

“I’ll get out of your hair. Think of happy things to relax yourself! Bye!”

And he’s gone. It’s the kind of encounter that starts a movie about a friendly quirky ghost, not the kind of thing that actually happens to people.

Dan shakes his head, but he can’t deny it’s taken his mind off of the class. Think of happy things! The words echo, spoken in a deep voice somehow laced with a sparkly lightness. Dan realizes he still has about 15 minutes left before his class when he glances, up at the clock ticking loudly. He opens up youtube, and gets lost in sloth videos for a while.

Dan’s class goes relatively well. It could have gone better, definitely, but Dan hadn’t said anything too strange, or too random in his panic. He’s been able to answer student’s questions, and even got a few smiles that didn’t seem pitiful.

Once his students are all gone, Dan sits down and feels a smile etch itself onto his face.

And maybe that’s another way to cling himself to the present.

When he pulls up his phone, he finds baby sloths bathing immediately open, and that smile widens a bit.

Dan’s riding high on the adrenaline of having his first class, of it going well, and stands up abruptly. He shoulders his backpack and heads down the hall, turns left, and slows down in front of the third door, lingering outside, as the class is apparently not over yet.

There are thoughts infiltrating his brain now - of this being insanely creepy, of being inappropriate. Paranoia buzzes under his skin, threatens to eradicate the giddiness. But then the door opens, students pour out, and Dan looks on dazedly, drowned in panic.

“Oh hi!”

He looks up instantly and meets crinkly eyes.

“Hi.”

There’s an awkward silence where they look at each other, grumpy students passing them, shoulders bumping while they hold eye contact.

“So how did your class go?” the smile in the man’s voice is palpable.

“Good, actually, better than I thought it would. I, uh, took your advice about the happy things. Watched animal videos.”

“I love animal videos!” The man’s voice booms on love, his eyes snapping to Dan’s, all wide and oh.

Blue.

“Me too.”

How Buffy should have ended

That blue seeps into his life now, through the first exchange of names and numbers in that hallway and then through endless hours at starbucks. The blue is the first thing Dan notices about Phil, but things add up through with every over enthusiastic text, every all caps comment only Phil would think about, every caring smile or giddy giggle. Dan learns things about Phil the way he’s always learned things: obsessively cataloguing facts, and waiting to get sick of Phil like he gets sick of everything after a while.

He doesn’t want to, though.

Turns out Phil isn’t a professor, or a student, though. He just came in to listen to one of his friends, to support him, because Phil just does that. Turns out Phil is a youtuber, because yes that’s a job a thirty-five year old is allowed to have. Not that Dan let his surprise show (much). He wanted Phil to like him and think he’s accepting and open-minded and all that shit.

Three weeks later, when he discovers Phil doesn’t like cheese, he mutters that he hates him, and knows what Phil thinks of him is just right.

The first time they hang out outside of starbucks, it’s at Phil’s, which is blinding and overwhelming, like eating too many ice creams in the summer, desperate for cold, with sugar lingering on your tongue.

Dan likes it though.

They start an anime together, and it’s comforting to know that Phil realizes that that’s a big deal too. They end up in a heated debate over which character’s will end up together, and who shouldn’t, during which they both hint multiple times at their attraction to pretty anime boys.

They’re not subtle and Dan loves it. Dan would be ashamed of his laugh, of his twisted humor, but, well. Phil’s tongue sticks out when he laughs, his sense of humor is surprisingly just as twisted as Dan’s and his smile is accepting.

They talk, too. About Phil’s YouTube channel, about Dan’s existential crises, all laced with sarcasm and humor, but that’s enough for now.

Dan ends up making Phil cave and they watch some of his videos, which makes a delicate pink blush bloom on Phil’s pale skin. They get closer and closer with every video they click on, wandering into parody videos, Phil’s arm secure around Dan’s shoulders, and it doesn’t feel foreign at all.

Phil gets overly worked up about How Buffy should have ended, promptly ends their friendship upon learning Dan hasn’t watched it, and starts up a “vital binge watch”.

Just as Buffy’s cheerleading team gets cursed, Phil’s lips end up on his.

Compilation of saddest love scenes 2

Everything mostly stays the same.

The changes that do occur, in the gaps of their already crackling friendship, are wonderful. Phil gets to shut Dan up with a kiss when he’s being obnoxious about winning Mario kart, the bed is warm, Dan gets understanding and laughter and also a naked Phil on his couch playing fortnite, which is an at first surprising but not displeasing sight. They fall asleep on each other with the computer still on, and Phil drags Dan to the bedroom when the pain in his neck becomes too much.

There’s one night though, where everything feels wrong. The world is subdued and grayed out, and Dan wants to stay in bed all day.

He knows what this is. He’s worked through recognizing his depression in his twenties, but no one warned him that it doesn’t stop with that. Existential crises linger on even if your life is safe and figured out. They don’t stop when you settle down.

But Phil was going to come over tonight, so Dan pulls at the muscles in his distant body and orders some pizza.

But he can’t really pretend for Phil.

He can’t feel bad for not pretending either.

He just can’t, period, and Phil notices.

Phil asks, Dan grunts, eyebrows furrowed. He ends up frustrating Phil, a lot.

Phil’s sighing and cursing under his breath and leaving.

Of course.

Dan will feel that in the morning, but for now he just feels even more choked by sadness than before, even though he didn’t think he could..

He falls into bed, stomach empty, doesn’t feel it. The dark hours of the night are spent watching sad compilations, listening to melancholic songs, and trying to just feel, please.

He’s a bit better by morning. Or worse, given that he feels the pain of Phil having left now.

But, well. He comes back.

At eleven am, the doorbell rings. Dan is wrapped up in his duvet, should be drinking water, but he opens the door anyway.

There stands Phil, feet shuffling, eyes rimmed in glasses, carrying a plastic bag.

“Hey.”

“Uhm, hey.”

“So I wanted to apologize for being a dick last night. I shouldn’t have snapped at you when you were feeling down. I brought you some pancakes as an apology. And if you don’t want to see me anymore, then, well. Enjoy the pancakes.”

Dan just stares.

He wants to say he will explain, he wants to say they’ll figure it out, they’ll communicate, they’ll make up systems, they’ll do this because Phil, well Phil you make me want to talk about the pit I fall into to someone that’s not Dr. Linda, Phil you make me want to be better than this, Phil you make me want to stay up all night just to stare into your eyes instead of staring into the dull London sky wondering why I exist.

“Thank you, Phil.” He says for now.

He’ll say the rest later.

They share a plate of pancakes and pick up where they left off on Buffy, because Dan likes seeing Phil mouth the witty retorts the heroin gives the Mayor. Phil always loves Buffy. Rain or shine, stress or bliss, or both. Dan wishes he had that, but slowly, he starts feeling the warmth of Phil, starts laughing, starts feeling pained when Angel leaves through the mist.

Eventually, he says “I hate you” to Phil after he rambled about why Angel isn’t as good as Buffy, and gets a knowing smile in return.

Let’s play! Sims 34: Our Sim gets abducted by aliens???

They’re tangled up on the couch, laptop on their thighs, after one of Phil’s low days. Their bones are digging against each other and knocking, too warm on the leather, when Dan asks Phil to move in with him.

Phil’s mesmerized by the new episode of their favorite “Let’s play!”, and just hums distractedly when he hears the question.

Dan promptly punches him, gets an indignant high pitched Hey! in response.

He repeats it, “D’ya wanna move in with me?”.

Phil turns to him then, eyes wide and taking on a slightly neon shade of blue caused by the glow of the laptop screen.

“Yeah.” he says, simple as that.

And his head whips back to the sim being transported into an alien shuttle. And, well. There’s not much more to that decision than a domestically tinged obviousness.

Easy red velvet cupcakes!

Dan is a mess. He’d barely gotten any sleep the night before, drowning in a despair to find meaning to all of it. Why he’s here, why does he teach when he cannot understand.

Phil tries to help, but they have systems now, and Phil knows he has to leave Dan alone and go back to sleep. The regular snoring is enough to reassure Dan, sometimes.

Dan’s halfway through an attempt at red velvet cupcakes, and it’s not going great.

They are not red, first of all, because Dan mistook the green coloring for the red one, and it’s all just a general ongoing mess. Phil is, of course, not here to reassure Dan,or make fun of him, or press him against the counter and make out with him while the cupcakes bake. Phil picking up his mom from the station.

Which is a thing.

Dan’s meeting Phil’s mom.

He’s not really nervous about her. She must be lovely and quirky. But Dan’s scared of not impressing her, of not being enough for her wondrously creative son, stuck in a philosophy position he’s had for a year and a half now. And what kind of functioning adult has only been working for a year and a half? Dan doesn’t want to have to explain losing three years doing law, or not being brave enough to take the leap and study philosophy, instead dabbling in cosmology for a while, eating up existentialism because it fit him, and adding up degrees through years of procrastination and pulling all nighters writing papers he should have written over the past couple of weeks and months.

He’s a grown man, but he’s still insecure, scared, and a bit ashamed of his past.

Phil works on that too, untying knots of self-hatred in the night with smooth fingertips, so Dan remembers Phil saying, “She’ll love you, Dan, who wouldn’t?”, and fusses over the decorating of his cupcakes, lamenting their lack of aesthetic.

“Dan, we’re home!”

He pauses the cupcake tutorial, cursing the girl with perfectly curled hair and cherry red pastries, places his cupcakes on a porcelain plate, and walks out, greeting Mrs. Lester as she drags him into her arms.

He and Phil munch on the leftover swamp green cupcakes that night and, well, he’s got a new family member now, who seems to like him, contemplations of death and failed baking and all.

How to live your truth

Phil doesn’t come out, but Dan peeks through his channel, through his subscribers comments, through the content and the videos and the theories his fans create.

There’s the sound of cooking during a live show that triggers obsessive all caps and question marks. There’s an unmade double bed in the background of a video that leads to furious googling and careful expressions of happiness for Phil. There’s another hand in a pic of a healthy cherry blossom, zoomed in on and examined. There’s less and less selfies because now Phil has someone to take pictures of him, while he smiles and grins more naturally. And finally, there’s the first joint live shows, with their careful dodging of the actual status of their relationship, and interactions played over and over again in beautifully edited videos reblogged on tumblr.

All of it is a commitment by Phil’s fans to Dan, like Phil commits to Dan every day, to the place Dan has in Phil’s life, undefined but solid.

Dan holds the sky in his eyes at night, and wonders what the sense of it is.

Pascal said that Humans don’t hold the present. And Dan admires Pascal, but his present is rhythmed by Phil’s breathing, their rituals and systems, and the constant disappearance of sugar Phil causes.

Dan likes transparency and honesty about what he feels, and what he wants right now.

But he doesn’t know who he is, not really, dipping into his thirties, and maybe that’s okay. His present is ever changing and slips between his fingers, but Phil is the background of it, holds Dan in it.

And Dan gets up to teach Pascal, and to not believe him every day, because of Phil.

#phanfiction #I managed to post something #shocking #I actually like this

41 notes · View notes

magioftheseas · 7 years

Text

The Rabbit of an Endless Day

KomaHina Week: Day 1 - first / hinata centric or KomaHina Week: Day 2 - past Full Title: The Shroud, First Love, and The Rabbit of an Endless Day Rating: T+ Length: ~4.8K Warnings: This is a weird fic, with mental instability and a likely very confusing presentation with how all over the place it is. There’s a scene related to Chapter 2′s bondage? Not to mention there are some unhealthy-ish themes... Honestly I don’t know what I should list the warnings as, sorry. ;; Summary: The Komaeda Retrieval Project is still going underway. Post-SDR2, Island Mode AU. Guest-starring Kamukura Izuru. Additional Notes: I kind of did this idea already but this attempt is definite more...of a thing. Sure is. I included Kamukura as a kind of observer who Hinata interacts with, but all in all, it’s still a minor-ish role. Ahhh, I’m so upset this is late for day 1 but it kiiiiind of fits for day 2 so, uh, I combined them because that’s okay, right? :’D **Alternate Ao3 Link**

He’s just another one of them. (Worthless. Dull. Uninteresting.)

He’s just another face. (He doesn’t stick out that much. Not really.)

He’s bright, like the rest of them. (Putrid and poisonous, just like all the rest.)

He’s... (Boring.)

Calming. (Boring.)

(What is it about him?)

Shouldn’t it be obvious?

“Hey, can you hear me?”

Sounds of the sea and the seagulls. Blinding sunlight.

“Ah, I understand... It’s overwhelming, isn’t it?”

This person is bright and dazzling under the sun, and they are also washed-out and ashen.

“I should introduce myself.” He holds out his hand, and that blinding smile almost overwhelms his fragile face. “And you are?”

“...I’m...”

(This is the 15255th time.)

All the same, he takes that frail hand and squeezes it tight.

(You really are a failure in every way.) “You’re so amazing, Hinata-kun!”

(Just give up already.) “Eh, not...really.”

(Are you even listening?) “You really are! You really, truly are!”

Komaeda’s eyes are sparkling with promise and certainty. Hinata swallows a lump in his throat.

(42 in-game days, 10 in-game hours, 43 in-game minutes, and 33 in-game seconds remain for this session. In reality, the remaining time is—)

“Alright, that should be enough gathering for the day.”

“Yes!”

“Are you sure you wouldn’t rather be cleaning, Komaeda?”

“It’s fine, it’s fine!”

It’s not fine, Hinata thought achingly. How many more times is it going to take?

He scoffed.

“Koizumi-san and Saionji-san took up cleaning today,” Komaeda explained. “And Saionji-san said I’d only be in the way and that she didn’t want to see my face, so...”

“She’s just trying to monopolize Koizumi,” Hinata huffed back. “You know that, don’t you?”

“Saionji-san does really like her,” he hummed. “When you really like someone, I guess other people would seem in the way, huh?”

Komaeda gave that carefree laugh.

“Don’t you think that’s bratty, Komaeda?”

“Well, I wouldn’t know,” Komaeda said easily. “I can’t imagine being so close to someone that I like them that much.”

“...We’re close, aren’t we?”

(Oh. Is that it?)

Shut up. Shut up.

“Eh?” Komaeda blushed at that. “W-What are you saying?! S-Someone like you really shouldn’t be saying something like that to someone like me! Is it a joke?! Are you joking, Hinata-kun?!!?!”

“If you start overheating, you’re going to faint again,” Hinata snapped at him, getting him to stop.

“Ah... Right... I don’t want to trouble you like that again... Ehehe...” Sheepishly, Komaeda rubbed at the back of his neck. “Sorry, Hinata-kuuun...”

In the beginning, you wouldn’t have gotten flustered by a comment like that at all. So that, at least, has changed.

“It’s not really that big of a deal, is it?” he asked. “Saying that we’re close? I spend more time with you than anyone else, and you spend more time with me than anyone else... You’d call that close, right?”

“Ah...” Komaeda quiets for a bit. “I suppose. Although I do wonder why you do spend more time with someone like me... Helping you find your way around is one thing...but you really should have befriended the other worthwhile talented people by now rather than wasting your time with a mite with the worthless not-quite talent of luck...”

They’re not a concern. (Have they ever been?)

“I find you calming,” he answered. “Everyone else is a bit too...loud, I guess.”

“Nanami-san and Sonia-san aren’t that loud,” Komaeda pointed out.

“Not usually, no, but when it comes to talking about their passions, they can be.”

“I have passions, too, Hinata-kun!” Komaeda huffed out, puffing out his cheeks. “I’m not that boring!”

Hinata snorted a bit. “If there’s one thing you’re not it’s boring, Komaeda.”

Komaeda flustered at that, face reddening more and more.

“I just said not to overheat, Komaeda.”

“H-How can I not when you said something so nice that I might just burst into tears?”

“It wasn’t that nice,” Hinata sighed. “Please don’t burst into tears, Komaeda.”

Shakily, Komaeda nodded a few times. He kept his word and didn’t cry, at least. Even if he looked close to it.

Oh, he’s cute.

He didn’t say anything to that, at least.

“You shouldn’t lose hope, Hinata-kun! I’m sure someone like you has an amazing talent!”

“...Do you really think so?”

“Really!” Komaeda’s eyes were positively sparkling. “I really do!”

(He was the first person to be that reassuring, wasn’t he?)

Not the first, no.

“Ah, Hinata-kun, you still look pale...”

“I’m fine, I’m fine... You’re pale too, you know.”

“Ah, but this is how I always look, so it’s not really a concern, Hinata-kun.”

They’re walking together. There’s so little distance between then that Hinata can almost feel the radiating warmth in spite of how considerably cold it was.

“...So you say...”

“I do say, Hinata-kun!”

“Mm...”

Hinata can’t help but shiver, arms wrapping around himself. Again, Komaeda gave him that doe-eyed look of worry, and Hinata speaks up before he can really think about it.

“Hey, Komaeda... Do you think we’ll get out of here alright?”

Komaeda blinked at him, and he answered without hesitation. “Of course I do.”

Hinata swallowed.

“Hinata-kun,” Komaeda goes on. “You are all not just talented individuals but Ultimates. Some ridiculous toy couldn’t possibly gain the upper hand over people who are meant to carry on the world’s hope. We have Togami-kun to lead us, how could we ever lose?”

“I don’t remember what my talent is, Komaeda,” he grumbled. “Hard to be assured in my talent when I don’t remember it at all.”

“Mm, that is troublesome, but...” Komaeda smiled at him so easily. “I know just from looking at you that you’re something special, Hinata-kun.”

Hinata stiffened, and his heart skipped a beat.

(Oh, right, he was the first person to call you special.)

There’s more to it than that.

“You really think so?”

“I know so!”

Komaeda has sparkling assurance within his gaze, the kind that’s stunning and consuming. Hinata took it in, soaked it in, really, and he tried his best to smile back as he nodded.

“Thanks, Komaeda.”

Just like that time before, they’re walking together. This time their sides are brushing against one another.

“The breeze feels really nice,” Komaeda sighed. “Even with how drearily boring the peaceful days are, there’s a pleasance to them, don’t you think?”

“I guess,” Hinata said, stretching out with a yawn. “Are you enjoying yourself?”

Komaeda gave a cheerful nod.

“That’s good, at least.”

Komaeda laughed, the sound light like the breeze. Hinata’s stare narrows a bit, and then, Komaeda turned back to him.

“In a book I read, this is the part where I say I wish days like this could last forever, but,” he pouted. “That’s too underwhelming and carefree! Grander things need to happen, otherwise what’s the point?!”

Hinata hummed noncommittedly.

“Don’t you think so?!” Komaeda demanded, almost impatiently. “If everything just remained as it were until the end, that really would be just the worst luck, Hinata-kun! I’d die so bitter!”

Another hum.

“Aah, but,” Komaeda went on, and gave him a cheeky grin. “Maybe spending the rest of my life with Hinata-kun isn’t so bad. Just kidding! I’d never wish for you to get stuck with someone like me.”

(How ironic.)

“You’re not that bad,” Hinata huffed and ruffled his hair. “It’s not like I don’t enjoy our time together, too, Komaeda.”

Komaeda giggled even as he playfully smacked Hinata’s hand away. “That’s just flattery to collect hope shards.” He stuck his tongue out. “You’re going to have to try a lot harder than that.”

With that, Komaeda skipped up ahead, humming as he did and arms swaying. Hinata watched him, smile twitching before his lips pulled into a straight line.

Try harder, huh?

(Hmm.)

Actually, it wouldn’t be a lie to suggest that Komaeda was the first person he’d been vulnerable with.

“...Komaeda.”

His grip on the other’s wrist was tight and unyielding. He was trembling, just a bit, and Komaeda was blinking those wide eyes back at him.

“Hinata-kun?”

“Let’s...” Hinata swallowed and then, “Let’s spend the night, just tonight. It’s safer this way, isn’t it?”

“Safer?” Komaeda blinked a few times and then softly laughed. “Hinata-kun, are you going to kill me?”

Hinata flinched, but he scowled.

“We’re going back to my cabin. Do you expect me to just stuff your corpse under my bed or something? Drag it out somewhere? That’s way too risky.”

“You thought it through,” Komaeda murmured, making him get flustered.

“I-I’m just trying to be reasonable in a completely unreasonable situation!” Hinata exclaimed and his voice proceeded to rise in hysteria. “Kill each other to leave?! What even the hell is that about?!”

“Who knows,” Komaeda hummed easily, so infuriatingly calmly that Hinata wanted to scream and then Komaeda gave him that usual smile of his. “But you can’t lose yourself now, Hinata-kun! You’re one of the Ultimates, representing the hope of the world—what does that bear have?!”

“Robots,” Hinata replied bluntly. “With guns. Machine guns. We all saw what happened to Usami.”

“Ah, right,” Komaeda agreed, quieting. “We did...” And then he perked right back up. “Still, wit and capability will go a long way! Hope and goodness will win in the end! It has to!”

“What do you think this is, a video game?” he asked, hopelessly irritated.

“It’s...definitely a kind of challenge, don’t you think?” Komaeda asked right back. “One that I know you’ll triumph in, Hinata-kun.”

Oh my god.

“How can you know?”

“Because,” Komaeda said, eyes shining. “I believe in all of you, Hinata-kun.”

Hinata backed off, breath catching, and then...

(Your heart skipped a beat. Weak. Boring.)

Shut up.

“...Let’s go to my cabin,” he ended up saying, squeezing Komaeda’s wrist. All this time and he hadn’t let it go. “It’s...not just safer... But, if you really believe in me that much...” He runs his fingers through his hair, blushing. “I should...at least make sure nothing happens to you.”

“Eh, Hinata-kun...” Komaeda blinked a few times. “Oh, but, if you want to kill me to get off this island, I don’t mind...”

“There’s no way in hell I’m doing that,” Hinata hissed. “Didn’t you just hear me? I just said I’m going to make sure nothing happens to you, Komaeda!”

Komaeda blinked a few more times. His head tilted to the side.

“...That’s impossible.”

“S-Shut up! Aren’t you supposed to be saying something like thank you or how cool?!”

“How cool!” Komaeda exclaimed, eyes sparkling again.

Hinata flustered, and then, he yanked him along.

“C-Come on... We’re definitely going to attract some attention at this rate...”

“Uwah, Hinata-kun’s so cool!!”

“You...don’t need to keep saying it, Komaeda...”

“But, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda chirped, eyes twinkling like the stars with such a blinding smile. “You really are cool, you know?”

Hinata blushed darkly and vividly.

(Boring.)

“Thanks, Komaeda.”

“Eh? Me again?”

“Is that a problem?” He used to hesitate a lot more, but at this point, the words are so commonplace they might as well be instinctive. He knows, regardless, that Komaeda will pluck that pink ticket from his hand as he always does. “I was thinking... Beach or the amusement park, what are you in the mood for? Or maybe the library? I wouldn’t be surprised if you just wanted to relax someplace quiet. Maybe even the park... We can try pushing at the statue to see if there’s a secret entrance.”

“Like to treasure?” Komaeda asked curiously. “Or to Hell?”

“Yeah,” Hinata answered, smile easy. “Something like that.”

Komaeda continued to blink at him, grip still on the broom’s handle. It really was a cute sight, the handkerchief tying his hair back, the handkerchief around his neck, having been pulled down from when it was wrapped around his face.

“Hinata-kun,” Komaeda said, smile strained. “Not that I don’t enjoy spending time with you, but... Don’t you get tired of me? Shouldn’t you hang out with the other Ultimates? Wouldn’t someone like Souda-kun or Nanami-san be better?”

“If I wanted it to be either of them, or anyone else,” he replied, without missing a beat. “I’d be asking them, Komaeda.”

“Ah, I guess...” Komaeda still looked so uncertain. “I’m afraid I’m just too stupid to understand. Do you really want my hope shards that badly? If that’s the case, you don’t have to force yourself, you can just have them, Hinata-kun.”

(Boring. He really is so boring.)

“Oi, who’s the one forcing himself now?” Hinata asked with a light laugh. “Didn’t Usami say hope shards have to come naturally? Didn’t you say it wouldn’t be that easy? I asked you if we could hang out because I wanted to hang out with you. Is it really that hard to believe I like you for your company, Komaeda?”

“Yes,” Komaeda said bluntly. “My personality is terrible; I don’t understand your taste at all.”

“It’s not terrible, Komaeda...”

“It is,” he insisted. “It’s definitely terrible!”

“Komaeda,” he sighed and shook his head. “You’re really too hard on yourself. Listen, I swear it’s true. I do like you...”

(If you like him so much, why don’t you just take him?)

Hinata stiffened for a moment.

“Hinata-kun?”

(It would not be that hard. You desire him, after all.)

Shut up.

“Ah, sorry,” he laughed again, rubbing at his temple. “Ah, where were we?”

Komaeda hesitated, and then, he took the pink ticket from him.

“I wouldn’t mind a quiet day at the library,” he said softly. “I apologize if it’s boring, though, but you’re the one who insisted, Hinata-kun. So if you complain, I’ll be really hurt.”

“I won’t complain,” he promised. “So let’s just going.”

(You’re so boring, Hinata Hajime.)

Shut up, shut up.

“I can sleep on the floor; it’s no problem at all! None whatsoever! Don’t even mind me, Hinata-kun, it’s alright even if I get stepped on!!”

“Komaeda, just get on the bed. There’s plenty of room.”

“...You don’t kick, do you, Hinata-kun?” A soft laugh. “I don’t mind getting kicked out of the bed, but, mm, for something like that to happen in the middle of the night when I’m trying to sleep is just a bit...”

“I-I don’t kick! Don’t worry about that!”

“Ehehe, okay, okay...”

Komaeda crawls under the covers while Hinata’s back is turned. It’s not until the sheets have started rustling that he sees that Komaeda’s turned away from him and all he can see is curly, wild white strands sticking out in all sorts of places.

...Cute.

He almost wants to reach out, to brush his fingers through the unruly strands. Would it be soft? It looked soft.

(It is soft. You know this now.)

“Mm... Hinata-kun?”

Hinata flinched and hurriedly turned back over.

“Ah... Yeah...?”

“Do you really feel safe like this...?” Komaeda sounds even breathier than usual, almost like the words are puffs in the air that dissipate before long. Hinata felt his face heat up, and he swallowed before answering.

“Do you...?”

(He likely did. Must you dwell over such obvious questions?)

“I’m still jittery, if that’s what you mean,” he said.

“Well, I guess even like this, it’s difficult to relax,” Hinata muttered. “Sorry. There’s not much I can do there.”

“It’s okay!” Komaeda exclaimed it so brightly that it was easy to believe, in spite of how very not okay the situation was. “At the end of this, you’ll come out a shining hero, I’m sure of it, Hinata-kun!”

Hinata snorted at that. “Now I know you’re getting ahead of yourself.”

Still, Komaeda had such sincerity to him that even if he, logically speaking, couldn’t believe that happening at all, he still couldn’t help but feel...just a little hopeful.

(This may have also been one of the first times in which you felt as though you could accomplish something great. How also boring.)

“I really do believe it, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda insisted.

“Mm...”

“Hinata-kun,” Komaeda states so sweetly. “You really are something special. Something incredible.”

Hinata flinched at that, eyes going wide.

Ah, wait—

“You’re amazing,” Komaeda goes on, those eyes sparkling, and then, those thin fingers entwining with his own. “So wonderful. So cool...”

This isn’t how the memory went—

“Hinata-kun,” Komaeda said, and then, “You know I believe in you, right? More than anything?”

“...Yeah.” He squeezed back, swallowing as he did. “Of course I do.”

You can stop now. Just... Just stop.

(Is this not what you wanted?)

You’ve made this into nothing more than a fantasy. That’s...not what I want.

(So you say as if you have not been replaying the same fantasies over and over again.)

That’s not the same thing.

(You are right. You lost control here. I suppose that’s the difference. How expectable of you.)

...Just stop.

Another rush of the waves, another lap at the sand, and their castle was once again gone.

“This really is despairingly hopeless,” Komaeda sighed, but he kept smiling. “Hinata-kun, you must be getting bored of this, right? Let’s try fishing or something instead.”

“All you ever catch are boots, Komaeda,” he pointed out.

“I might catch a sandal this time!”

...You’re so cute.

“Wouldn’t you rather a sneaker?” he asked, smile twitching a bit.

Komaeda just shook his head. “I don’t particularly like sneakers.”

Hinata looked down at his red sneakers, and then frowned at the other.

“A-Ah, but they definitely look good on you, Hinata-kun!” he hurriedly exclaimed. “But for someone like me, they’re just not to my tastes!”

“I see how it is,” Hinata said coolly. Komaeda stuck his older lip out.

“Let’s go fish for sneakers,” he sighed simply, and went to retrieve his shoes to carry with him as he walked. His footsteps left behind imprinted in the sand were slighter than Hinata’s own; his feet were thin, pale, and delicate. Just like the rest of him. “Eh, Hinata-kun?”

He immediately snapped out of it, shaking his head. “Ah, yeah, let’s go.”

They walk together, like always, and then sit at the dock to fish. He’s cross-legged, but Komaeda has his feet dangling over the edge, legs folded.

It isn’t long before Komaeda’s amassed a pile of boots while Hinata hasn’t had so much as a nibble. In one of the boots, Komaeda found an oyster.

“...Oh dear.”

“Huh?”

The next wave was high enough to nearly knock them both off the pier and left them both soaking wet and sputtering.

“S-Sorry, Hinata-kun...!”

“I-It’s alright, it’s alright!!!” He coughed out more seawater. He’s pretty sure his throat’s clogged with salt right now, but he’s fine. All things considered, it wasn’t that bad.

But Komaeda’s sniffling, and neither of them have any idea where the fishing poles are. A considerable amount of the boots are missing, but, honestly, he could care less about that. And Komaeda’s grip is still clenched around the oyster.

And then, Komaeda flings it into his hand.

“T-Thank you for hanging out with me today.”

“Oi, Komae...” Komaeda had already scrambled off, rushing in the direction of the cabins. And, really, Hinata couldn’t be surprised.

Instead, he sighed as he pried the oyster open, and was just as unsurprised by the sight of the pearl inside, shining and glimmering in the sunlight.

“...He’s really not that bad, you know,” he said softly. “Honestly, sometimes I don’t get why you aren’t crazy about him, too.”

(You know why.)

“...I guess...” He pocketed the pearl, and tossed the oyster back into the sea.

(23 in-game days, 12 in-game hours, 45 in-game minutes, and 38 in-game seconds remaining in this session. In reality, the remaining time is...)

(It is painfully obvious that you are someone who has a difficult time letting go. It is boring and it is inconvenient.)

It’s always been that way, too.

Yes, he knew that. He knew.

“I’m glad it was you,” he said once upon a time. “I’m glad it was your voice I woke up to, Komaeda.”

“Ehehe.” That bright, blinding, calming smile. “I’m glad, too, Hinata-kun.”

He probably knew from the beginning.

“I thought you of all people would understand, I thought that if anyone would understand, it’d be you.” A sigh, and Komaeda really does look so dismayed. It hurts, it hurts, and yet, Komaeda just crossed his arms. “I was too presumptuous, wasn’t I?”

“What... What even the hell are you saying?!”

“Ahaha...” Komaeda laughed like it was nothing. Carefree like always, but, in a dark place like this, the brightness of that smile only served to make everything even darker. Darkness upon darkness, to the point where it glowed—“You really don’t get it at all, do you?”

He didn’t. At all.

(Your first love and this was how it turned out.)

It wasn’t boring, but it was inconvenient. He knew that. Still. Still.

“Hinata-kun, I know you have an amazing talent!”

“Hinata-kun, let’s do our best!”

“Hinata-kun, are you alright?”

“Hinata-kun, hang in there!”

“Hinata-kun!”

...

“Hey, can you hear me?”

...Still.

Komaeda is resting against his shoulder and drooling on it. It’s familiar and as exasperating as it is endearing. All the same, Hinata smiles at him tenderly, and runs his fingers through the strands with the utmost care.

“...I don’t mind being like this,” Hinata said after a while. Komaeda didn’t so much as stir. “You’re right. There’s a selfishness to all this, too.”

(Of course.)

“But you do get it, don’t you,” he couldn’t help but huff. “Why wouldn’t you, I mean... You’ve spent so much time in my head... I don’t think you’re the kind of guy who stays willfully ignorant to this kind of thing. Unless you are.”

No answer.

“You wouldn’t keep harassing me about this if you didn’t have some investment in this. You wouldn’t keep commenting if you weren’t curious. And it’s fine. I get it.” But. That said. “Komaeda is...”

He hesitated.

“Komaeda...”

Komaeda hummed so softly in his sleep, and then, thoughtlessly, he nuzzled against Hinata’s shoulder. And, of course, his chest ached even as his heart swelled.

“...Komaeda...”

Of course, he had definitely been nervous and apprehensive at the time, but...

(Still.)

Komaeda’s smile was bright and carefree as always, but that hadn’t been the case with his words, or, even, really, with his gaze. In this heavy atmosphere, the lodge feels even more suffocating. In a moment’s notice, both of them could have been crushed.

He wanted to leave.

The more Komaeda spoke, the more he wanted to leave.

And yet, he couldn’t. He just couldn’t.

Why? Just because this might just be the first guy who treated me like I was special...

“Eh, Hinata-kun?” Komaeda blinked up at him with those bright eyes. “Hinata-kun, is something wrong?”

Should you really be the one asking that?

Komaeda was the one tied up, rendered so utterly helpless that he couldn’t even wiggle away if he had to escape somewhere. The chains, rope, the shackles... It was overkill, really, for someone this frail.

Still, Komaeda had proven how dangerous he could be...

And, yet.

“Hinata-kun, are you feeling alright?” Komaeda’s as worried for him now as he was worried when they were just on the beach together. “Hinata-kun...?”

It’s almost like nothing changed except for...everything surrounding them. The tray in his hands, an empty dining hall, the table where underneath someone had died.

Komaeda wiggled a bit, and it looked awkward. It looked painful. It had been...so...long since he was like this. He hadn’t eaten, drank, or...even gone to the bathroom since, has he...? Komaeda was dangerous. Komaeda needed to reflect on what happened.

But Komaeda looked up at him worriedly, head tilted...and shadows under his eyes.

I can’t take this. With a sigh, Hinata set the tray down. And with that, even when Komaeda looked confused, he went over behind him.

“Hi...nata-kun...?”

“What even the fuck is this, Souda?” he grumbled, disgusted with the sight of the chained up stock. “Isn’t this inhumane?”

“H-Hinata-kun...!”

Without another word on the matter, Hinata broke the lock and unraveled the chains. He popped open the stock, and let Komaeda pull his hands free. Komaeda was rubbing at his wrists, and before the other could say anything, he went to cutting and undoing the rope around his legs.

“Hinata-kun...” Komaeda trailed off. “I don’t understand. Are you going to kill me, or...?”

“I’m releasing you because this is bullshit,” he hissed. “You’re crazy and dangerous and a liability but even wild animals don’t deserve this. Don’t look too deeply into it.”

“...I... Oh... The others are going to be mad.”

“I don’t care,” Hinata huffed. Then, he ran his fingers through his hair with a grumble. “Hey... Komaeda... You need to use the bathroom, right? And...you need to eat, right...? I’ll accompany you, stay a while, and then I’ll leave Monomi in here to keep an eye on you. You can’t leave but...staying like this...just isn’t alright, either.”

Komaeda blinked once, twice, and then he nodded brightly.

“Okay!”

Hinata’s face twisted up, but all the same, he nodded back.

“...Alright.”

I had known how hopeless I was from the start.

He did as he said he would, he accompanied Komaeda to the bathroom, waited, and he dragged Komaeda back and proceeded to watch him eat after the other had sent the typical prayer. Komaeda had this weird habit of tearing his bread into bite-sized pieces and dabbing at his mouth with a napkin.

“Ah, thank you for the meal!!”

“It’s just milk and bread,” Hinata muttered, chin digging into his palm and elbow digging into his lap. “That’s not really a meal.”

“Still,” Komaeda huffed, almost like he was offended. Offended, on everyone else’s behalf. “It’s more than I deserve!”

You really sound so sure about that...

Hinata rolled his eyes, humming noncommittedly.

And then, Komaeda spoke up again.

“Ah, Hinata-kun...?”

He perked up, and just like that, Komaeda flashed that dazzling smile of his.

“You really are so kind! So amazing! You really are someone special! Someone wonderful!”

His heart skipped a beat.

And it was just like that.

“...J-Just finish eating. And drinking. You can...stretch your legs a bit... But if you seriously leave this room... I’ll be pissed.”

“Yes!” Komaeda nodded happily. “I won’t let you down, Hinata-kun!”

Do you understand?

“Mmgh...”

Do you get it?

Hinata stood up, and dusted himself off.

“Goodbye, Komaeda.”

“Bye-bye, Hinata-kun!”

How many times do I have to show you before you understand?

(30 in-game minutes and 55 in-game seconds remaining in this session.)

So we’re at the end of another session already.

And they’re on this beach where they met, and Komaeda is talking as he always does. Komaeda is fidgeting with his fingers, looking tense and unsure.

“Good luck, or bad luck...” Komaeda mumbled, looking frustrated. “Which is it, Hinata-kun?”

“Bad luck, right?”

“Right!” Komaeda exclaimed immediately, like he was expecting this answer just as much as Hinata had been. But that was impossible, wasn’t it? “It’s such bad luck! I didn’t even get to die or anything!”

(As if you would have allowed even an attempt.)

“All this time, I...”

(What are you hoping for, this time?)

“But now, it’s different...”

(Ah, but the answer is obvious.)

“The time we spent together...”

(What you want...)

“That’s why... I want to say...”

(...is for Nagito to finally say...)

“Hinata-kun...”

(“I love you.”)

“We’re friends, aren’t we?”

Ah. Hinata stiffened for a moment, he stilled, and he’s sure...everything else stilled, too.

(Until the moment Nagito says those words, will you remain unsatisfied with how things are?)

That’s not true. I’m selfish enough to want more than just that.

“Of course we are,” he said. He takes Komaeda’s hand, squeezed, and he takes in that dazzling smile on Komaeda’s face. Hinata smiled back broadly.

And just like that, the system was prepped for a restart.

Just hearing the words isn’t going to be enough. I want to hear them, but...more than anything, I want his eyes to open and for him to say them to me in the despairing world outside of this carefree island.

Of course you do.

I can’t just hear them. I need... I need to see him.

Of course.

I have to do this, over and over, until he wakes up. I have to do this...for him...

Just for him? Because he’s the first person who looked at you with twinkling eyes?

He’s the only one who’d put me through this much trouble; who’d make this much of a hassle.

Love is such a despairing thing, isn’t it?

It is. Oh, God... It...

Hinata could have laughed until he cried, even as the other remained unmoved.

It really, really is.

“Hey, can you hear me?”

Sounds of the waves and the crying seagulls. Blinding sunlight.

“Ah, I understand... It’s overwhelming, isn’t it?”

This person is glowing and dazzling under the sun, and they are also washed-out and pallid.

“I should introduce myself.” He holds out his hand, and that striking smile almost overwhelms his fragile face. “And you are?”

“...I’m...”

Before he can even finish, he takes that frail hand and squeezed it painfully tight.

#KomaHina #HinaKoma #komahinaweek2017 #nagito komaeda #hajime hinata #Magi Fics #super dangan ronpa 2 #sdr2 spoilers #izuru kamukura #KamuHina #KamuKomaHina #but not really #This is a mess and I apologize

46 notes · View notes