#posting these seperately bcs i made some changes & im a perfectionist | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kyonoc · 4 months

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AGRHRHHAHAHAHA SUMIRE MY LOVE MY LIFE MY CUTIE PIE ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH

cw; charoc, deprezone mentioned every 2 minute bc im miserable and I cannot shut up im so sorry. Also sorry if I sound super OOC and goofy, im fucking high and hormones are acting up 🥹

Almost 2 months worth of waiting well deserved, I can feel my deprezon disappeared instantly (it does not) 😭😭😭😭🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶

Ok 1 cms finally got updated, only 2 more in line 🥲

Also since ion wanna make a seperate post and I don't think i will be finishing these anytime soon, heres my supposed to be LNY + Haitham bday + Valentine all in one celebration packet.

I promise I did try to get out of bed instead of wasting and rotting away, I really did, but idk what happened either. I blinked and spring break is coming to an end already ueueueuru 😭🙏 (please ignore the broken perspective I'm not satisfied with the composition so I changed some parts without fixing it properly so-)

Good news is, I made it out of the confinements of my room on Haitham bday (yay!!!) (i love you Z i appreciate so much 🥹)

But rlly tysm Z you will never know how much I appreciate you, you really made my day 🙏

This girlie is being made into a mochi/stuffed doll?? idk keychain thingy. Since the seller doesnt rlly do the accessories imma do it myself when the bbg arrives home

Also 20+ merchs that I brought in like one day 🥲

Aaaand the fic that was supposed to be uploaded either on Haitham bday or on Valentine Day, but never got finished. The plot, the flow & which (and what kind of) stuff is going to be in it is all decided; I also did a smol study as well as a deep dive into Alhaitham's character (which tbh made me question even more than when I first started 🥹 I do have a draft rambling about his character & my take on his charac here but idk if I should post it, I feel like I ramble too much its annoying). But idk.

Maybe it's the hormones and periri go bvrrom bvroom thats making me more vulnerable and insecure, but I keep going back to proofread them, then rewrite a few sentences there and fix some phrasing then. Yet I keep feeling unsatisfied with the result and keep going back to beta it, and before I knew time's up 🥲

Honestly?

I hate being the object of someone else's jealousy/insecurity. I absolutely hate it. Everytime I catch the real intentions and tone behind someone's saying (which are envious directed at me), I can feel myself loathing increases a little more. It doesn't just simply feel like they are jealous of me, it feels like they hate life for being unfair and ultimately hate me too.

I have always disliked that.

Yet I keep feeling inadequate with everyone's expectations and ended up feeling insecure about everything and everyone in the process 🥲. Everytime I look at someone celebrating Haitham's bday or Feb 14th with Haitham, I cant help but feel a pang of jealousy. Is my love enough? Am I enough for him? Is it acceptable for me to do it? Am I even enough at all? Stuff like that. Then I cant bear to look at my fic, my art, or anyone else's fanwork for that matter.

I dont know anymore. I feel like this silly little fictional crush is dumb 🥲 Maybe I should just abandon everything then disappear to somewhere else to choke on mud and die

(/j ik im not mentally stable rn so im refraining from doing anything artistic at all, bc i know for a fact my perfectionist will kicks in 🥹 then I'll hate myself even more for not producing something up to my standards.)

(Psst. Beside my death cannot be that unsightly no? I'm perfect in everyone's eyes, my death should be pretti and adorned with flowers & ton of enviable accomplishments too :D)

KK.

P/s KK here LOOK AT HER LIL AHOGEEE AHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCK DEPRESSION WHOS THAT MY OC IS SO CUTE 😭😭😭💖💖💖

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ghostlypawn · 4 years

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im just gonna babble about riley n cairo okay? okay. its mostly from cairos perspective. its 3am this could be garbage mama idk.

we all know that cairo and riley knew eachother since they were babies and grew up together,, like the spent every minute they could with eachother. as time went on they began to drift yet still call eachother friends simply because they dont have anyone else. they know everything about eachother from their favourite colour to deep secrets about their insecurities. their lives revolve around eachother so much that they dont know what life would be like without the other. they began to drift a lot when riley got on the cheerteam as a freshman,, riley for once has a interest that cairo didnt and she liked it. cairo however didnt; she felt scared and angry due to the unknown of the future, she relied so much on riley and now all her time was spent cheerleading which left cai alone. she made ‘friends’ with others but could never fill the hole that riley left; those friends led her to parties where she would get drunk to forget riley for a few hours. she would over-use socials to almost prove to herself that she did have friends other than riley and she could survive without her. she still remained friends with riley during the school day (they sat next to eachother in every non-designated seat class) but would find herself getting angry when riley had to practise at lunch/after school ultimately leaving her alone). sometimes people would make fun of rileys commitment to cheer which led to fights in the hallways after someone made a snide comment about her bow (though she’d never tell riley the actual reason for the fights).

riley saw this change in cairo and ultimately felt bad for her, this was the girl who had helped her through middle school breakdowns and her first freshman year break-up which led to riley asking cairo to join the team. when riley proposed it to cairo she couldnt help but breakdown. she thought riley had started to forget about her. she felt stupid for wanting riley to be such a big part of her life but she truly doesnt know how to be without her, nonetheless she vowed to herself that she would try to become her own person. riley said that she’d always be by cairo’s side. as the years went on riley kept her focus on training to be captain whilst cairo kept up her social presence which ultimately led to her being crowned prom princess. she didnt enjoy cheerleading but kept to it to keep riley in her life. riley started to rely less and less on cairo which cairo noticed when riley didnt have a complete breakdown over the viral stunt (she was upset and disgruntled but not the the extent that cairo expected from her). she wasnt sure if it was because riley had become happier in life and didnt need help or it was because she didnt trust her but cairo reciprocated the action by bottling up her feelings instead of sharing them with riley.

when riley became captain, cairo found out by a social media post. what she didnt expect was riley asking for cairos help preparing for the sleepover; cairo thought that mayb the old riley had come back now that she’d gotten what she wanted: to be captain. cairo obviously said yes and went to her house with the mentality of ‘act like it was before as if nothing happened and we remained close throughout the years’. she starts to feel happy and pokes fun at the viral video bc she thinks riley isnt overly bothered about it and she feels like her old self. its only when everyone arrives and riley gives her welcome speech that she realises this isnt gonna be like old times and riley is gonna be the kinda cheer-focused captain go-getter she turned into over the years. she, however, tries to make this fun for everyone (aka truth or dare) but riley is not about that and just wants to get on with the cheering. cairo spends all night trying to cater to rileys needs (finding annleigh, getting the pizza, being the first to put her phone away etc.) but riley doesnt notice or seem to care. in fact the only time riley doesnt talk about cheer is when shes talking about eva; which we know cairo isnt the happiest about,, she just wants riley to appreciate her like she does eva. i think at this point we start to truly notice cairos urge for a friendship with meaning because she begins to obsess over kate/chess (”trouble in paradise” she quips knowing full well its her and riley who’s having trouble). enter mattie covered in blood: cairo notices riley’s warning signs to her freakout so she follows her out. this is when cairo verbally mentions that she doesnt like the way riley treats her to which riley brushes her off because at this point she has no feelings for cairo and is only keeping her around because she has no one else. the defense scene is the last attempt and cairo holding onto the shred of their friendship hoping that if she can do this then she’s still of worth to riley and worth her time (and obviously it works,, kinda)

we know that cairo tried to contact her after that night to which riley straight up ignored her. she just wanted to know if riley was coping well and if they were going to rely on eachother during this hard time. she never knew how riley was dealing bc she ignored her but at least she knew she was in this alone. this was when she began to overthink that night, all the possible scenarios that couldve played out and all the culprits. she came up with many possible answers but the feeling in her gut was telling her it was the one she least wanted it to be. none of her previous ‘friends’ like her anymore after that night and dont want to be involved with the girl who was apart of the murder squad. when she finds out evas on the team her first thought is that this is truly the end of her friendship and shes going to be replaced by eva. but when she sees the state rileys in her heart cant help but feel bad for the girl knowing shes not in the best state of mind. and we see her try to comfort her throughout phoenix. (“you dont have a relationship with chess, kate” she cries subconciously knowing that, although very different circumstances, her relationship with riley is also dead and gone). at this point she only had herself to look out for so she gets super defensive when kate says shes going to the police and kinda threatened eva. then we get to the scene where cairo suggests that riley wouldve been blamed and rileys first instinct is to go no they wouldve blamed you; cairo sounds so hurt when she says this bc this is the moment she realises that riley has zero trust in her and riley has changed and outgrown their friendship. she cant even fathom the girl who she helped all throughout the years and the girl who helped her would blame her without reasonable suspicion. she tries to work out why riley is just letting this slide bc it just Doesnt make sense to her and the perfectionist captain riley she knew. for a short moment her thoughts go flying and before she knows it shes accusing everyone and everyone because it CANT be riley it just CANT. but when riley begins to breakdown she just knows that her gut feeling was right and it tears her apart to think that if theyd stayed closer friends this couldve been prevented,, if perhaps cairo still relied on riley then she would realise that cairo was there for her too but it doesnt matter bc its too late for that so she doesnt what she knows best and tries to deesculate rileys breakdown. she hates to admit that she misses riley sometimes and is scared that she will forever but she still goes on one day at a time becoming a better person than she couldve been if riley had still been in her life.

bonus: i like to think that due to their closeness they did harbour some romantic feelings during their middle school years however they didnt actually realise they were in love it was just what they knew/thought all friendships were like that. it wasnt until high school when they would think back on those memories that they realised perhaps there was something there but it doesnt matter now because theyve became too seperated for it to be anything.

#we are the tigers #hcs #<- more analysis but yolo

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