#posting as the jerma stream ends swag

[bleakbluejay]

Free-write: Love of Music

Suggested by @apollos-olives <3

As stated in my previous writing, I think of music as sacred. Part of this, maybe, is influenced by the fact I am deeply, deeply neurodivergent and sound-sensitive. When I listen to music, I feel it through my whole body, in my blood, in my bones, in my brain, in my heart. When I go to a live show, small ones -- which I prefer for the intimacy -- I lose myself in the drums through the speakers, setting the pace for my heart and my breath. When I sing, my worries leave me. When I put on my headphones out in public, it dulls my otherwise crippling anxiety. Through music, I can connect with other people. Through music, I can connect with myself.

As a kid, I bonded with my mom through music. My world was filled with metal and ska and punk and goth, and this influenced me for the rest of my life, really. My taste has gone on from the Violent Femmes and Goldfinger that I started with with her, to be perhaps weirder and more niche, but it all stems from her.

Through music, I have memories. Good and bad. I have memories of singing Two Trucks with my friends at the top of the mountain late at night. I have memories of being stoned to hell in my abuser's bedroom to the beat of Jack Stauber and vaporwave. I have memories of the hospital, crawling my way out of my deathbed with my bare hands, to the tune of the Stray Cat Strut on the iPad a family friend gifted me when he learned of my condition. I have memories of howling Hotel California with my mom on the highway when we were escaping a dangerous situation and moving out of California. I have memories of performing a song for a Christmas pageant led by my preschool in which I stole the microphone from the main singer and stole the show. I have memories of thrashing around my bedroom at age 12 to Paramore, and chilling to Jack Johnson. I have memories of exploring Minecraft and the Zone of S.T.A.L.K.E.R. to the sound of Apparat's Krieg und Frieden. I have memories of self-soothing myself when I've walked home alone at night, singing Sunny Side of the Street to keep my spirits high and to feel less alone. I have memories of losing my voice screaming along to All Circles at a mewithoutYou show as the speakers blew my chest to smithereens. I don't really think these moments in my life would be so pronounced and defined and remembered if not for the music binding me and grounding me to the moment. It can be a gift, and it can be a curse, and I don't know what I'd do without it.

#eli writes #posting as the jerma stream ends swag #now that jerma's stream is over im going to listen to music now even