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canaryatlaw · 7 years

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Well, before I start taking about my day I suppose I should acknowledge that I'm 4 years self-harm free today. I had to go back and edit my Instagram post because I originally put 3 years cuz I can't fucking count, lol, but it is 4 years. I made a habit of making an Instagram post of my tattoo on the date, but of course it looks a bit different now being that it's kind of overshadowed by the big red scar on my wrist from surgery this year (the ironic placement of which never ceases to amaze me). I'll post the picture after this so you all can see. I got the tattoo 3 years ago, on the one year date, so it seems like an appropriate thing to mark it by. I don't know if I have any new real reflections on it at this point. I mean, it's not something I really struggle with anymore, at all- which is amazing, really. Just looking back I have to take notice of how foolish I really was. I was so immersed in this emotional hell, with the smallest thing setting me off into a turmoil that could last days. I didn't know any other way though, it was all I had known for 10 years. But then just a few months after that last time, 4 years ago, everything changed and I thought my life was over, but then I woke up two days later feeling like a giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders, one I hadn't realized I'd been carrying around for as long as I could remember. Really, him leaving was the best thing that could've happened to me, maybe one of the best things that's ever happened to me. It was just like all of a sudden, the spell was broken and I wasn't in that place anymore, that place I'd been in all this time. Looking back I just wish I could've seen that coming, could've known that would happen, because I think it would've changed a lot of things. People told me of course that things would get better, but I never believed them. How could I? They didn't know what it was like for me. They didn't have the childhood hell I had. I was permanently fucked up, there was no getting out of that....until there was. I never could've imagined it, but then it happened. And if you're reading this and you're in one of those places, I promise you, it will get better. Hold on. The world still needs you. Things won't always be this way, even if it's all you can remember. Things change, people change, life gets better and you should be there to see it, okay? Anyway. I'll start my day post now that I've sufficiently emoted on that subject. Alarm went off at noon, got up and started reading pretty quickly. I only had like 50 pages of crim pro tonight as opposed to the 70-something I've had for the past two days, and there was two cases in there so it went faster that way. Strangely I think this might be the only class I have this semester that actually has cases in it, which is quite odd for law school but it seems to be happening that way. I finished by 3:30 though and I was able to relax and read some fan fic for about half an hour, lol, which was very nice. After that I got ready for class and headed out. I was debating what route I should take cuz it was kind of raining, but I just said fuck it and walked to my usual train because it was really just drizzling, though by the time I got there 20 minutes later I was fairly wet, but it wasn't a big deal. Train to school, we're in the same room I was last semester for crim pro I, and this is crim pro II. I only covers investigation, II is "from bail to jail" so really the technicalities of trial, not just what evidence is admissible at trial. A lot of people were in the class, which makes sense. The prof seems cool, she's an adjunct not terribly old but with short white hair not all that different from my own. While introducing herself she mentioned she was originally a dance/theatre major in college but had to drop out and returned later for something with literature I think, so that was cool to hear. She works at the state appellate defender, and she was saying you know how a lot of the people taking the class were either working at or going to work at the state's attorney's office or the public defender's office, and how their views tend to inform how they handle the class, and how she wanted to get a good exchange of views and such. It was a pretty interesting class, the two cases we read had to deal with right to jury trial and a case out of Alabama in the 1930s where like 9 black boys were accused of raping two white women and all sentenced to death after a sham trial, so then the Supreme Court stepped in and were like uh no you can't do that, you have to actually provide them lawyers, but the sad part was that when they went back to trial pretty much all of them were convicted again, though none were sentenced to death and most of them eventually pardoned. It was an interesting discussion on when the Supreme Court could step into such state decisions and what defines due process. I raised my hand at two points, one having to do with why legislatures don't want to fund public defender's offices (I said because they probably trust the police because they've never been falsely accused of a crime, which she seemed to like) and the other having to do with what an "Allen" charge is (which is when a jury is deadlocked and the judge basically says "reach a verdict or else" and it's a whole bunch of bs). She let us out by 8, so that was nice. Train back, I was pleased that by the time I got off it wasn't raining and it wasn't too cold, so my walk back was mostly pleasant, though I did step in a puddle and get my boot wet at one point which I wasn't terribly happy about, but small potatoes. Got home and turned on blindspot that aired tonight, interesting episode if a bit complex. I'm kind of sad we didn't get more of Nas, but I understand what they were doing with the episode structure. I don't know where they're going with the whole Roman situation, although it looks like next week might provide some answers to that according to the preview. Overall pretty good, I did get a tiny bit emotional at the end when the guy's kid was being held at gunpoint and she was sobbing and I was just like ffs if they kill this girl I'm gonna hurt somebody, but they didn't do that was good. After that I basically just chilled out for a while and that was about it. Improve should be good, I don't have class at night (just mock trial practice) so I don't have to worry about reading during the day, which means I can finally go grocery shopping and try to clean up my room, both very essential projects as I've literally been surviving on oatmeal and easy mac because I have like zero perishable food right now and there's actually a mountain of clothing in my room right now and it's pretty much a disaster area that needs to be handled, lol. So that should be good. And yeah, that's about it, and I'd like to get to sleep now, even if I can sleep in as long as I'd like tomorrow, I am still tired so I'm gonna do that now. Goodnight my loves. Sleep tight.

#daily journal #January 2017

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