#or 'hey if we apply this cute fan headcanon to this canon scenario it makes that event WAY more fucked up'

[danidoesathing]

bitches cant be normal about fic writing they'll watch something silly and not meant to be taken seriously "hmmmm yes but have you thought about the horrific implications of living through such an event" and proceed to write the most fucked up shit you've ever read

#its me im bitches #cant fucking enjoy anything without my mind going 'well have you thought about the body horror of snake vampirism' #or 'hey if we apply this cute fan headcanon to this canon scenario it makes that event WAY more fucked up' #like girl why cant you just write something stupid and funny. why do you gotta make it tragic #dani speaks #but like fr the potential body horror of lair of the white worm #your body and mind being altered and molded against your will by an evil deity. literally shedding your skin. the cannbialism #the secondary fangs growing in your skull. having your mind merging with a higher deity to the point you cant tell the difference #the RELGIOUS TRAMA could you IMAGINE

[fishyelvenantics]

Ok, just got back from the doctor so I apologize if I'm more of a mess than always, so have some hesdcanons about Langdon that bitch Caul and Edith, the poor woman who deserved better. Also, most of these were created with the help of the amazing @ellieheim

- FIRST OF ALL, let's just pretend he wasn't a jerk with Edith, canonically, he was a bitch, but let's just pretend he wasn't (at least with Edith, everyone else can suck it)

- Now, I can't for the life of me, remember if it was even mentioned how they met and such, nor the circumstances of their marriage, so Imma go with the following scenarios:

They met at the library. Edith got bored, went for some books, ended up finding a very sleep deprived and possibly drunk Caul, somehow they ended up talking and it was nice.

It was an arranged marriage. Edith's parents went like "ehhh, that one!" So they just introduced them and somehow they actually liked each other.

By sheer casuality, what are the odds you'll find your future spouse on the market looking for random products? Idk

- Now, keep in mind, we are pretending Caul was way nicer than what he was in canon, now, about Edith, she is nice and proper and all of that jazz... but she can also kick your ass and she will kick your ass.

- Don't mess with her, she'll slap you, she'll smack your head with an umbrella or something.

- The whole Oaness society is scared of her, Caul finds that hilarious.

- Speaking of Caul, Edith's the only one allowed to call him Langdon.

- Also, remember my bi Abe headcanon (x)? Goes without saying that it also applies to Caul, A.K.A, disaster bi/demisexual icon.

- Ok, so this one wasn't mine, Elle, I love your ideas: basically, Caul almost dropped the wedding rings on the sea by accident, then he DEADASS just flopped into the water for the sake of not loosing them.

- It happened the same day him and Edith got married, he showed up with his suit all wet and seaweed on his hair. Edith was unimpressed.

- There's definitely a photo of the where he's wearing a freaking deep sea diver suit, Edith once again is unimpressed.

- Btw, the wedding was cute and all but everyone was freaked out by the groom's guest, who were the whole fish cult society acting like the weirdos they are.

- I said Caul is nicer in this one but he still is a punk ass bitch so... I mean he kinda deserves a slap from time to time but overall he's just a drunk mess who definitely became the town's cryptid at some point.

- Oh and, since I know there are sourcers that say a little about his childhood (will put a proper link if I find it, for now I just got things I rebbloged), I don't care if he was a shy and nerdy kid who loved the outdoors, he was also a gremlin.

- Like, imagine this 5 y/o running around with a journal, taking notes of everything he encountered, face covered in dirt or mud, wet hair and clothes cause he fell into a river at some point, probably lacking some teeth, I mean, that's cute but has the potential to be extremely chaotic (plus kids are weird so...)

- Then his dad introduced him to the sea life and all, listen, just imagine this mess of a teen, complete nerd, probably a lanky mess of hormones and anxiety, just collecting sea shells and fossils while being extremely antisocial (a mood, ngl)

- Edith wasn't a fan of the idea of him putting all those weird things and fossils and crap as decoration, somehow he managed to convince her that at least one room would have those, Edith's inner interior designer was fumming but she at least got to pick the wallpaper.

- Let's be honest, Caul can't cook, he'll burn down the whole kitchen, but he totally is in charge of making tea and coffe.

- Edith stole a few cigars while he was gone out of sheer boredom, Caul knew but pretended he didn't, one day Edith finds a whole box of cigars with her innitials on it, she still is not sure if that's sweet or passive aggresive.

- Caul doesn't sleep, at all, that man lives on caffeine and spite, Edith tries to make him go to bed yet keeps failing, one day she tought he woke up early, turns out he hadn't even realized it was morning already. (Thank you Ellie for that wonderful idea)

- Imagine them drunk, lying on bed, ranting about life, each one holding a cigar, and yes, I know women weren't expected to smoke on the 1860s but I like to think Edith didn't give a damm and Caul was ok as long as those weren't his cigars.

- And speaking of drunk, one time good ol' Langdon got drunk enough to read outloud one of the poems he wrote as a kid, Edith liked it though.

- Also, I know men back then didn't grew as tall as they do now, but I like to imagine Caul being the same height as Abe (before certain comics events), I just like to imagine him awkwardly standing out next to everyone else.

- Edith on the other hand was the average height for a woman, which made her look even shorter next to her bastard of a husband, but hey, cute height difference interactions.

- I'm still not sure how Caul looked that young at amost 70, I think it's because of some cultist thing, but personally I have a headcanon that back in his 20s/30s or somewhere around those lines, he ended up involved into some weird thing that makes you look young and of course the bitch himself became the test dummy for it.

- The thing that made Caul fully realize he wanted to marry Edith was seeing her beating the crap out of a guy.

- TEATHER DATES, TEATHER DATES, those two totally went to the teather for special ocassions, or the bakery, or just to the beach to take a stroll. (Again, thank you friend for that)

- Caul's excuses for going away for months are crap and Edith doesn't believe them, they both know it, no one will say a word but Edith manages to came up with better excuses in case anyone else asks for him.

TL,DR: Caul is less of a bitch, Edith will fuck you up, let's imagine their marriage was happy instead of the mess it canonically was, that way what happened to them will hurt more.

#hellboy #hellboy headcanons #hellboy comics #langdon everett caul #edith howard caul #headcanons #abe sapien #comic abe sapien