#one thing about me is that i will gravitate towards characters with alcoholic family members whether i know it or not

[milogreer]

so uhh this is gonna be scatterbrained. but i'm gonna ramble about milo and (what little info we have on) colm. sorry in advance if it doesn’t make sense i just had to exorcise this demon 🫡

i believe "camping with your alpha boyfriend (2021)" is the earliest mention of colm in an audio. obviously we don't actually know milo's side of things because it's told from david's POV, but we still get the mental image of little thirteen year old milo sitting shotgun in his dad's pickup as they drive to their camping spot. gabe's goofing around in the truck bed to make david and asher laugh, and colm joins in the fun by swerving the truck to mess with gabe. very basic dad thing to do, my dad's done the exact same thing to me and my siblings. it feels familiar and silly, and david frames it as a good memory, so it feels like a good memory. which is important to the point of this post

in "celebrating the new house (2022)," we get a little more colm lore:

My dad was forever blowing any cash he made on fucking bets and gambling and shit, chasing some fucking high. My mom was the only reason we didn’t end up out on the fucking street. He didn’t pull his head out of his ass and get some help until after I’d already moved out. So I never got to have that feeling of being in a house that was actually ours, ya know?

already this is a stark contrast to what we've previously heard of colm (i don't think there's any real mention of him between sept 2021 and dec 2022?) and it kinda makes me look at that old memory in a different light, especially with regards to david saying marie was "nagging [colm's] ear off about being irresponsible and a bad example." like. ykwim? like i'm just thinking about that interaction and wondering how far along those problems were at the time, if they were present at all. was this a normal, fun family outing? or would milo have rather been in the truck bed with david, asher, and gabe?

(and the fact that it wasn't until after milo moved out that colm tried getting any help?? i could make a whole other post speculating about milo struggling with wanting to move out of that environment ASAP vs not wanting to leave marie on her own to deal with colm)

so then i'm re-listening to "your werewolf boyfriend is worried about you" and having a visceral reaction to (re-)learning that colm was also an alcoholic:

But what he chose to do with that frustration and that feeling of powerlessness was not his job’s fault, those were his choices. He’s the one who decided to lose himself in booze and gambling and never being home. Never being there for the people he said he loved but apparently couldn’t stand to be around.

the last sentence especially is just an absolute heartbreaker because milo's, what, thirty now? and he's been dealing with this since he was a kid. clearly he's not on great terms with colm. the only times he ever talks about him is when he's shit talking the department. that is a crazy weight for someone to carry their whole life. i don't have experience with the gambling side but i do have an alcoholic family member who i used to be really close to as a kid but grew up to intensely resent as a result of his actions, so it hits a little close to home to see that reflected in milo

but i digress. umm. i bring up the camping story to highlight the most recent mention of colm from milo and how there were good times and sometimes maybe it hurts to remember them when the person involved devastated you as you grew up because they weren't what you thought they were. and how these things follow you through life and impact how you approach certain things. milo has to live with the fact that the same system that royally fucked colm is potentially going to do the same thing to the love of his life; i never drink more than one shot or half a beer, if i drink at all, and i don't like being around drunk people. even though we don't hear about colm very often, his influence is still there whenever milo has to deal with the department in any way

anyway i guess TLDR; imagine living the majority of your thirty years of life feeling like your dad couldn't stand to be around you because he was too busy drinking himself stupid and gambling away every penny he had as a way to deal with the strain that his job put on him. imagine having to witness your mom struggle constantly to keep you cared for. imagine the few good childhood memories you have with your dad being overshadowed by thinking he didn't love you or your mom enough to change. imagine watching the department run your soulmate into the dirt physically and mentally the same way it did your father and wanting to be supportive of them but also being so worried for them. it's a really interesting situation for him to be in and i enjoy it but it hurts me. the end

#one thing about me is that i will gravitate towards characters with alcoholic family members whether i know it or not #redacted audio #redacted asmr #milo greer #sweetheart.txt #milo #colm

[slayerkitty]

Let's Talk About Trust, Baby

I've seen a lot of posts where people are really confused about Mew and where his head might be at with regard to his relationship with Top. Why he hasn't given Top the boyfriend title back, why they haven't had sex yet, etc. That led me down a rabbit hole of thinking about the relationships between the characters and the one thing all relationships need to function - TRUST. If you don't trust your significant other or your friends/family, etc, what kind of relationship can you even have? I tried to break this down in groups/pairs and some of it might not be as thought out, so there may be more on this as the show goes on but here we go.

The Fab Four

So there's a lot of context we're missing about the relationships between our core four dysfunctional besties (Note: So far, Cheum doesn't seem that dysfunctional, you're doing amazing sweetie!) such as how they met, how long have they been friends (what the hell Ray and Mew got up to that one night... *ahem* I digress). Now, we don't have any real answers to these questions (yet) so I'm taking some educated guesses based on my own college experiences and what I've generally picked up from other university BLs typical story telling.

I feel like the four of them met during orientation (except maybe Ray and Mew, I'm waffling on thoughts that they've known each other since high school). Most university BLs set it up that the mains meet during orientation, bond during whatever torture the seniors are putting the freshman through and kind of build their friend groups based on that.

I also feel like they may have gravitated toward each other or remained a group because they're all queer. BLs can go either way on whether or not homophobia exists in their narrative and I think that Only Friends is going the more realistic route (and it's Jojo) so I think that I can definitely see them bonding over being queer. They find an LGBTQ bar and it becomes their thing to do together. Most friendship groups form because people just sort of fall in together due to circumstance and they seem no different.

But do they trust each other? Signs point to yes. (I was shocked too, lol)

Mew and Cheum: We haven't had much focus on her, but he seems to value her opinion and listen to her advice. (We also know that April likes him from the time they've spent together and he likes April, so I would say he and Cheum probably have pretty good trust built up.)

Mew and Boston: He believed without a single doubt when Boston said that Top had never had a lover longer than 3 months and that Top would probably, as Ray put it "nail and bail" once Mew and Top have sex. Cheum also believed Boston. Do I think Boston was lying here? No. But neither do they and that's important. Does Boston trust Mew? I think he does. His issues with Mew are not about trust.

Mew and Ray: These two vibe a little different than the rest of the group. They seem closer; they seem like they've talked about "the deep stuff" (vs maybe superficial topics with their other friends). Their first one on one scene has them talking about Ray's alcoholism seriously (even though Mew doesn't push about it as much as I would have liked) and you can tell there's an intimacy there that the other group members don't share. Whether that stems from whatever it is that happened that night in the video (I am salivating about this, it's delicious, I need more info) or because they've been friends for longer, I don't know.

Let's move on to the pairs:

Cheum and April: Do they trust each other? I assume so? Cheum goes out drinking with the boys at least once a week and April seems okay with that (we haven't heard otherwise), so I'll say yes? (Jojo, I NEED MORE OF THEM. I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TO EVEN ANALYZE. GIVE US MORE.)

Sand and Ray: I'm gonna call this one as Sand does not trust Ray, but Ray trusts Sand. Sand knows that Ray is a walking red flag and he's trying to resist but Ray is making it really hard. *ahem* Ray bailing mid-make out is not helping Sand's trust issue. If you look at how Sand has cared for Ray since episode one, however, Ray most likely trusts Sand. I mean, Ray talked about his mom to Sand. I think that's a biiiig deal.

Mew and Top: Thanks to Boston, neither of them trusts the other. And this, right here, is why Mew has not moved the relationship forward. HE DOESN'T TRUST TOP. He's still worried that Top will "nail and bail". Remember Mew's checklist from episode two? He only checks off "gets along with my friends" (HAH!) and "respects me" but not "doesn't lie to me". We can infer this means it hasn't been marked off since he doesn't mention it to anyone in this episode. Given that a lot of us clocked Mew potentially spotting Boston's trunks on the floor in the shower, along with him questioning if Top was telling the truth about the fire, it's clear this is the one thing holding him back.

If Mew agrees to be Top's boyfriend, then the expectation of sex becomes a lot higher (it shouldn't but that's a different discussion to be had). It's also implied in the narrative (and from Jojo) that Mew is a very structured person and he doesn't like to lose control (re-watch the counter scene from episode one. You know you want to. I'll wait). The moment that Mew realizes that he is way too into what they're doing, he panics because he doesn't have control over the situation.

Up until episode three, Top did trust Mew. He trusted him enough to get vulnerable and then Boston blew it up by fabricating a narrative backed with evidence of...something between Ray and Mew (I'm seriously dying for this scene, I need it).

Another thing I am having thoughts about is that in this episode, Top referred to himself as Mew's boyfriend and so did Cheum and Mew didn't deny it like he did in episode two. When Top's *ahem* "buddy" approached them at the silent disco, it was very clear that Mew expected Top to introduce Mew as his boyfriend and was visibly (if momentarily) upset that he didn't.

Boston and Nick: Yes and no, but also no and no, respectively. So Boston trusts Nick with some things but not everything which leads to him lying, gaslighting and manipulating (he's a triple threat). In turn, Nick lies right back, because what else can he do? (a lot of things actually, oh Nick, you are starting to spiral hard.) This leads Nick to rigging the CCTV video to show on his phone and to wiretap Boston's car, which just shows you his trust in Boston is non-existent.

In conclusion: Trust is another theme the show seems to be exploring: earning it, keeping it, and what you do after trust is broken. I think it can tie back into the ongoing ephemerality discussion as well: trust isn't permanent. You have to earn it, maintain it, and once broken, it's gone (and seldom can be repaired).

Also, everyone needs therapy.

Tagging the Ephemerality Squad: @waitmyturtles, @chickenstrangers, @lurkingshan, @twig-tea, @ranchthoughts, @clara-maybe-ontheroad

Hope I didn't forget anyone!

#only friends the series #thai bl #only friends meta #Hope this made sense

[vldelijah-blog]

well hello ! my name is blaire (19, she / her, est), and though my app and this intro are very late i’m ecstatic to be here ! i’ve had muse for this baby for a while but was taking forever to make him so here he is ... 4am’s mr. elijah kang ! he’s definitely a lot to handle, but he’s here to bring the party to veil and i’m so excited to see all the craziness he gets in ! i’m super excited to plot with you guys, so please like this if you want to plot something, and check here for his bio, private profile, and public profile ! plots coming soon, i swear, but you can find some general ideas under the cut alongside trivia ! let’s go !

BACKGROUND.

born in la, california !! will always be a cali baby at heart, both his parents are originally from korea but moved there because they wanted to start a family in america !

he has two younger siblings - bora, who’s 12, and jandi, who’s 25 ! such an older brother, he teases / loves them to death and will fly to cali just to fight whoever hurts them !

original name is eunkwang elijah kang, but around middle school he changed it because a.) people always asked him about it or couldn’t pronounce it and b.) he didn’t think it fit him

the only people who still call him that are his parents when they’re speaking korean and his grandparents / aunts in korea. he introduces himself as elijah or eli nowadays, though !

but he prefers eli somewhat because elijah makes him feel like he’s getting in trouble ?? lmao !

his mom tried to get him into child acting because acting was always something she wanted to do, but it didn’t go very far for him

his father hated the idea of him going into the entertainment industry because he didn’t feel like it was a stable career, and thought that as the oldest of the family he should be financially well off

consequently, him and his dad’s relationship has become a little difficult now, he loves him a lot but is frustrated his dad doesn’t seem to be happy for him pursuing his dreams

even so, he started getting into singing because his mom had him join the church choir she lead ! he pretended he hated it but he loved getting all the old people to smile on that little stage

but he really got into performing when he tried to impress a girl with a talent show & won second place by doing a really cringy song & dance performance with friends !

feel free to read more in his bio, but long story short he auditioned as a joke and had the surprise of the century when he made it past auditions AND callbacks !

the idea of being in the “kpop” industy still seems so weird to gim, esp bc it’s never something he saw himself doing ?? he’s a r&b type of guy so it was really weird for him to think about at first

they decided to go with this “flirty bad boy image” for him which isn’t too out of character tbh ?? but they also thought he had the look of a rapper so started training him to be one ! so now it’s one of his positions, and though he finds it really fun he’s embarrassed to call himself one because he doesn’t feel like he has the skills to rap. 

he has a v unique voice, similar to wonpil’s, but since he had no proper training prior to joining the company they had to work with him a lot bc he didn’t really know how to use it !

was a little apprehensive at the whole “boy band” thing at first, until he realized just how much he loved it ?? and then became very invested and has been working hard ever since !he has high hopes for the group and thinks that, as long as they work hard, they can gain a stable following

also was like thank god bc he can’t dance for shit so that helped him otu a l o t !!

PERSONALITY.

like i said before, his personality’s not too different from his brand the company is trying to market him as once they debut ! so “flirty bad boy” pretty much sums it up lmao. he’s got the whole rebellious streak going on, but i wouldn’t call him bad for real because he’s still got a good heart, he’s just dumb and gets into equally dumb scenarios. i think that this pretty much sums it up:

haha !! anyways he is definitely a flirt, even when he doesn’t mean to be ! but he usually does, and isn’t afraid at all at expressing his attraction to others ! ( on that note - he’s pansexual fyi ! ) but his downfall is that he’s terrible with commitment, he’s just not in the mood to settle down and doesn’t know how but i’m sure he’s got a long list of romantic connections ! 

he’s got a bit of a potty mouth, he doesn’t really have a filter ( unless he’s somewhere for work ofc ) but even then he’s had a few embarrassing slip-ups. def got a few wrist slaps for it bc apparently he can’t shut up !! but please lmk if you don’t want him to curse in our threads bc even though it won’t be that bad in threads, i don’t want anyone to feel uncomfy !

very spontaneous, definitely the type to call you up at 3am on a sunday asking to go out some random place with him, he just loves adventure ! some find it endearing while others find it chaotic, he’s really a hit or miss in terms of this !

a charmer, he knows how to say things that people here....especially when trying to get himself out of a sticky situation ! if he had a superpower it’d be sweet talking people, he’s got a way with words and that’s ultimately how he’s become as successful as he has ! once 4am debuts he’ll definitely give fans lots of fanservice and is the type to “marry” them at fansigns and such.

on that note he’s very deceptive and isn’t pathological liar, but can do it v casually if he thinks it’ll make his situation any better ?? not a good thing but yk just how it is !

bc of these he’s quite the life of the party, and actually gravitates toward quieter people because he wants them to have fun & he’s def the first to try to break the awkward tension !

super carefree - the world could be crumbling, and this man will make a joke about it ! it can be good in stressful situations due to his ability to keep a leveled head, but at the same time it causes him to make poor decisions because he’s less concerned about the end results.

a downside is that he can have a bit of a temper, and if he feels like someone’s competing with him or trying to prove him wrong he gets pretty defensive. also if someone breaks his trust this man holds the biggest grudge i stg

tw: alcohol ! he loves to drink, it’s a habit he started back in america but moved over here ! he can’t do it quite as often bc of company rules he has to maneuver, but if you ask him to go out for some drinks, he’ll never say no.

just...silly lmao !! will literally come into his member’s rooms in the middle of the night just to do a stupid dance then walk out & leave.

very loyal & protective over those he loves !! he’s an older brother, so that’s rooted deep in him and he cares deeply about those he gets close too !

not a leader in any way ( thank god atlas saw that ), but he has his own way of checking up on people ! he’s not the talk-about-your-feelings type per se, but if he sees someone’s down he’ll go out his way to make them laugh or do something to make them feel better

also totally irrelevant but definitely has a retro eboy aesthetic going on here ?? his style very much so resembles jaewon his fc, but with a tinge more grunge ?? his ig is so eboy guys i just...he’s a mess

CONNECTIONS.

besties pls ?? 

exes ?? i feel like his exes would’ve ended pretty messily bc he’s the Worst but hey maybe they still vibe !!

drinking buddies ftw !! shall they drink & be merry together !! bonus if ur muse is a stupid drunk two and these two just are losing it 

he misses his siblings a ton so some younger muses, esp girls, for him to interact would be great ? would 100% baby them & treat them like one of his sisters !!

someone equally wild as elijah who he can always count on for a good party or getting into some sot of trouble.

fwb, a no-strings-attached situation except maybe later on ?? depends let’s see he just wants to have fun !

someone very different to him, they’re away of his personality but in contrast are very structured ! it would be super fun to interact with someone like that, see if they butt heads ?

in contrast,  a father-son/mother-son type of friendship where they look out for him to make sure he doesn’t take it too far and he makes sure they take care of themselves and have fun !

give me some rivalry ot enemies pls i love the drama

i promise i’ll add more soon and do a proper plots page but i’m literally so tired i can’t function

#vldintro #( & ooc. ) #def rbing this in the morning since it's such a weird time ! #i'll message everyone tomm morning !

[lilianhq-blog]

⋆ ◦ ° ☾ jennifer connelly + cisfemale + she/her — have you seen lilian o'sullivan? they sure have been hanging out at valdez cemetery a lot recently. they are a forty six year old known as the veteran, and they currently work for the cobras as a thief, which they’ve been doing for twenty six years. a bisexual capricorn, they are efficient + loyal, as well as stubborn + slow to trust. black coffee. red bottom heels. memories of a deceased loved one.

Hi everyone, I’m Bria and I am SO excited to be here! This is my baby Lilian, she’s proud mama to her beautiful boy Rigel. Anyways, give this post a like and I’ll hit up your DM !!

trigger warnings: death, alcohol/alcoholism

Born and raised in Valdez, Lilian didn’t have the best childhood herself growing up. While her parents weren’t necessarily affiliated with the gangs, she often found herself gravitating towards those who actually were in gangs.

Her mother was a deadbeat alcoholic, and her father was busy cheating on her mother when he wasn’t putting the bare minimum amount of effort towards his actual job. Since it was his responsibility to actually, you know, provide for their family.

Anyways, when she was a senior in high school her father left, so Lilian had to learn to provide for her and her mother. She also had to learn how to take care of an alcoholic while trying to pass her classes with straight A’s cause honestly she was still a stellar student even though her parents were shit. 

Her last semester of high school came around and she met Seth--tall, dark, and handsome and utterly charming. She fell in love with him. He was a year older than her, and she’d known right off the bat that he was involved with one of the gangs, but he never mentioned, and she never asked. All that mattered to her was that he was willing to help provide for her and her mother, and she had been utterly grateful.

They dated for two years before his intentions finally became clear: he wanted to recruit her to become a Cobra. She’d make a perfect thief, and earn way more money on heists than she would working whatever day job she was at now. After a long, heated discussion, she agreed to try it out. That was twenty six years ago.

Upon taking her in as a new thief, they hadn’t expected a rookie to have such raw talent. She was eager to learn, but she was also patient and efficient in everything she did. Seth was over the moon with pride.

During her second year with the Cobras, her mom died of alcohol poisoning. Sad, yet relieved at no longer having to take care of her, she moved in with Seth.

When she was twenty three, three years after she joined the Cobras, Seth and her got pregnant. Which was both happy and sad because like, her parents were both shit, and she doesn’t want to be shit, y’know. Anyways, Seth supports her through it all, and she tried to hide it from the gang but like failed. Also Seth proposed to her after she revealed she was pregnant and they were gonna have a small wedding it was cute.

So since we can’t have nice things, Lilian was about eight months pregnant when she came home to find her husband dead in their house. NOTE: I definitely want this to be a murder of some sort, its definitely gang related, but like I haven’t plotted any details as to how or who. So like, if you think you have an idea for your character to have been the killer, feel free to hmu and we can discuss!

Devastated, Seth’s death definitely hit her harder than her mother’s death did. But also like, they happened a year apart two which is so hard on her, so cut her some slack maybe?? so she made a vow to raise her son on her own, and to shield him from gang life for as much of his life as possible.

Unfortunately, she soon found that it wasn’t possible, since she was grieving Seth’s death too hard to leave the gang. Even now, twenty three years later, she still hasn’t found out who’s killed her fiance because she’s prioritized her son’s protection over everything else.

SOME MORE FACTS: Lil is such a good mom. She has learned from her parents mistakes and she has grown from them. 

She’s also very talented as a thief, she’s been doing this job for over twenty six years now, and I’m sure she’s had opportunity to move on from it in the gang, or to level up over the years, but again, her priority is Rigel.

I’m still getting a feel for her personality but she’s completely open to plotting!! I gotta go to bed soon, and I don’t know if this is gonna show up in the tags yet, but I hope y’all let me love you down. 

Wanted connections:

I’m gonna be making a proper page and everything, but here’s just a few ideas so far!

exes

childhood friends

ex-friends

people she’s trained within the gang

enemies/frenemies

family members of her dead ex-fiance !!

the person who killed her ex-fiance !!!!

#outlaw.intro #death tw #alcohol tw #alcoholism tw #anyways this is so BAD

[kartiavelino]

Cobie Smulders is way more ‘even-keeled’ than on ‘Friends from College’

Cobie Smulders didn’t go to Sunday’s Golden Globes or any of its glitzy after-parties. Instead, the 36-year-old “How I Met Your Mother” alum — now starring in the cringe-comedy “Friends from College” — opted for a much more exclusive get-together: a weekend in Vancouver, British Columbia, with her high-school buddies. “I’m still very close with all of them,” the Canadian native tells The Post. Now living in Los Angeles, the mother of two spent the informal reunion “drinking lots of alcohol with them, because that’s what you do in Canada and with high-school friends.” Smulders, who’s made her name on television shows about exceptionally tightknit friends, gets the appeal of keeping in touch. Even more, her real affection for old classmates helps her understand why the hilariously high-maintenance characters in “Friends from College,” which returns to Netflix on Friday for its second season, are still speaking to one another. “There are just some friendships you’ve had for so long, there’s this really significant bond,” Smulders says of the often-toxic crew. These characters attended Harvard together and now, at 40, are still grappling with the same issues they had in adolescence. Among them: the lofty literary ambitions of Ethan (Keegan-Michael Key), who fancies himself the next Hemingway but begrudgingly pens mainstream young adult novels. Ethan, who’s married to Smulders’ character, Lisa, acts out by cheating on her with Sam (Annie Parisse), the venomous queen bee of the group. Smulders with her husband, Taran Killam.Getty Images Meanwhile, Lisa, an affable lawyer, spends most of the first season turning the other cheek. And when she finally does acknowledge the affair, she unravels spectacularly, quitting her hedge fund job in a way that makes Jerry Maguire’s iconic office exit look chill. “I do enjoy these types of characters that are perceived as one thing and then you get to see the human side of them,” Smulders says of Lisa, as well as her “How I Met Your Mother” character, wild card Robin Scherbatsky. Like Lisa, Robin comes off as uncannily cool — which makes her rare but epic meltdowns more fun to watch. But unlike her characters, Smulders says, she’s genuinely mellow. “I don’t rage,” she says. “It takes a lot for me to get really angry. It’s maybe happened like three times in my life, where I’m like, screaming at someone.” So is she getting it all out on-screen? Smulders says it’s possible: “Maybe I gravitate towards these roles because it’s a relief,” she says. She says she has her Canadian background to thank for her “even-keeled” personality. The two stints she did living in New York — one in 2001, right after high school, when she moved to the city to pursue acting and modeling, and another more recently, as a married mom — didn’t make her any more high-strung. (What the city does, she confesses, is coax out her inner party girl: “My main relationship with New York is living the nightlife and being out at hours that children are asleep.”) Now back in Los Angeles, Smulders sounds grateful that her own family life is delightfully stable. She married former “SNL” cast member Taran Killam in 2012, but they’ve been together for 14 years, ever since they met at a friend’s roller rink birthday party. They have two daughters: Shaelyn, 9 and Joelle, 4. She says Killam, unlike her TV husband, “has a lot of empathy, which was a very big initial draw.” As for the fallout from Ethan’s deception and Lisa’s spiral? “Just wait,” Smulders says, enigmatically. “It’s really a wonderful plot for comedy, but I would never want to be in it in real life.” [embedded content] Share this: https://nypost.com/2019/01/10/cobie-smulders-is-way-more-even-keeled-than-on-friends-from-college/ The post Cobie Smulders is way more ‘even-keeled’ than on ‘Friends from College’ appeared first on My style by Kartia. https://www.kartiavelino.com/2019/01/cobie-smulders-is-way-more-even-keeled-than-on-friends-from-college.html

[dcnativegal]

Psychotherapy

We’re all familiar with the serenity prayer. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.”  The wisdom necessary is hard to come by, and the courage required is HUGE.  Somedays, when I have the gumption, I rather prefer Angela Davis’ quip: “I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I am changing the things I cannot accept.” She sounds so energetic.

Change on an individual level is really quite hard to pull off.  Right?  It is for me. There are things that are easy for me that would be impossible for others, and easy for a friend and ridiculous to contemplate me even attempting. From this awareness, should come compassion. If someone says, oh but that’s so easy, I say, easy for you. What is hard for you? Doing your taxes? Calling your mother? I’m glad jogging and getting to the gym is easy for you. Now call your mother.

Not so easy.

A therapist can be a companion for a person trying to change. Perhaps the therapist’s task is to follow Goethe: “Treat people as if they were what they ought to be, and you help them to become what they are capable of being.”

I did not expect to come to Oregon and work as a psychotherapist, or as my job description calls it, a “Behavioral Therapist III.”   I figured I’d either do hospice social work, or find a gig at the senior center. I applied for a couple of cancer related jobs, too, before we decided to stay put in Paisley. I was an oncology social worker for almost 20 years. I know that disease cold. Mostly I know what it does to human beings, whether it kills you or not.

But I got here to the high desert, and the only game in the county for a licensed social worker was at Lake District Hospital. There were two jobs that I applied to. One was as a sort of liaison for various preventative health programs in the county. Having been a health educator for a while, I figured I could do that. Drive around Lake County, see who’s doing what, support them however I could, given the resources. The other was a mental health clinic job in Lakeview. I applied to both with cover letters that explained I only wanted to work part time: 30 hours a week at the most, preferably 24.

I got a call back within a day or two. Interviewed a couple of times with different folks. Made them laugh. Was hired quickly. And the HR person, an impressive lady, told me, we’re putting you in mental health. There is a desperate need, part time is fine, and the pay is much better than the prevention job. Awesome! Never mind that it had been years since I saw people as clients in a mental health situation. I had the right level of licensure, in fact a higher level than even my new clinical supervisor, and I started in mid-October, 3 days a week.

Within 3 weeks of my start, the only other LCSW in the shop was gone. She’d been planning to move back to Eugene for some time, and my entrance gave her permission to resign. Dammit. She was really nice, taught me about the quirky electronic record system (they are ALL quirky), went to dinner with me, and then moved the frick out of town. As far as I can figure out, there is only one other master’s level independent clinical social worker in the entire county.

My colleagues at the Lake District Wellness Center (Lord save us from euphemisms) have various degrees, some from online universities, and from what I’ve seen and heard, are deeply committed and talented clinicians. I’ve been blown away by what I’ve witnessed when I’ve sat in on sessions. I’ve also collaborated with other therapists who are seeing another member of the same family I’m counseling. There’s a lot of that. The kids are seeing one gal, the husband another, and me the wife. Or the ex wife. Or whomever. Feels a little bit like we’re each blind and feeling around the elephant: I’ve got the right leg and it feels pretty sturdy, but the rear end is stinky and occasionally blasts out a disgusting mess. Best to wear a hat and raincoat with galoshes. What I love the most is couples therapy. Get people in the same room and the stories and distortions get corrected. Like magic.

We are all women of a certain age, including the unflappable front office staff, except for one therapist who is younger than 30.  Almost all are grandmothers.

I’m in the trenches of community mental health, doing therapy alongside some very tough cookies, and most of the time it is awesome work. I especially enjoy hearing that seeing me is really helping. I can live on that one comment for weeks.

The lows have to do with the trauma stories that emerge in my “assessment” as I sit there stunned. The online form asks about it right up front, in categories: Physical, Emotional, Sexual. Many of these people lived through some serious horror. And I am just hearing about it. How much harder to have lived through it.

The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places, declared Ernest Hemingway.

****

I finished a book recently about alcoholic families, and learned about roles. The drunk. The martyred codependent. I was familiar with those two. But then I read about the kids: the hero, the scapegoat, the mascot, and the lost child. Immediately I realized that I have two lost children, one hero and one scapegoat on my caseload.

Doing therapy has brought me back to ruminating about one of my favorite existential puzzles. The puzzle of free will. How do we CHOOSE of our own free will to change.  If we humans just used our willpower…. He’d get sober; she’d lose weight; he’d stand up to the bully; she’d get a grip on her spending. And if it was that easy, we’d all flip the switch and do that willful self-discipline thing and all would be well.

If only we could simply:  Move toward your wildest dream, take the labels off your mind and step boldly into your greatness.                    (Iyanla Vanzant)

I know for a fact that my own issues are not going away. I have been searching for the switch to flip my entire life. Sometimes I find something that feels like the switch, I switch it on, and I’m ‘good’ …. For about a week.  I have insight, I know the back story, I have tried many approaches and strategies. Willpower only goes so far. I am humbled by the gravitational pull of inertia. Or homeostasis.

How do I help other people get unstuck if I’m stuck, too?  I’ve got unstuck about SOME issues. In fact I feel like I’m down to only two big juicy neurotic issues. One of which might kill me before I get it figured out. (That would be the healthy eating/ fat/ diabetes /exercise thing.)

Enough about me. Let’s talk about honesty.

“Rarely we have seen a person fail if they have the capacity to be honest.” That’s from the Big Book of Alcoholic Anonymous, quoted chapter and verse by stalwart people in recovery, like my sweetie, who was married to not one, but two alcoholics, (one at a time!). They are sober now. She has a black belt in Alanon (which why she is an excellent partner for me. My issues are all mine.)  

So what gives a person the capacity to be honest?  Awareness that they’ve screwed up, would be a start. But there are so many people who do not see, do not comprehend, do not recognize that they’ve screwed up.  There are the character-disordered folks who have an automatic knee-jerk tendency to blame others for everything. There are the neurotics who blame themselves for everything. But even the neurotics cannot see how they perpetuate behaviors, based on a very old script that they developed as a way of surviving being a child, a script that has lost its usefulness and is still being applied willy nilly to situations that call for being, ahem, a GROWN UP, not the hero or the mascot or the lost child.

I have a client I see. I keep asking this person, which one is the grown up? The answer is always, I am. In a meek voice. Versus the traumatized foster kid who this person is trying to parent. Parenting-by-rigidity with a bucketful of sarcasm. The client wonders why it’s a constant fight. I see it. Why can’t the client?

Here is a great description of the dawning of awareness:

 I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in. I am lost… I am helpless.

It isn’t my fault.

It takes me forever to find a way out.

 I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don’t see it.  I fall in again.

I can’t believe I am in the same place.

But it isn’t my fault.

It still takes me a long time to get out.

 I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.  I still fall in. it’s a habit.

My eyes are open.  I know where I am.

It is my fault. I get out immediately.

 I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

 I walk down another street.

(Portia Nelson)

 It is psychotherapy with not one but two amazing women that helped me see the patterns I repeat for what they were and are: habits that can be acknowledged and then unlearned. Some habits are ancient: I just automatically assume that I’m an idiot; selfish, not very bright, and screwing something up. It’s my default position. And it’s a lie. A very persistent lie.

Here’s a metaphor. It’s like I was born with one leg ever so slightly shorter than the other (a biological vulnerability of little consequence.)  In the course of my childhood, I got hit in that leg and it was broken a few times. And I developed a limp. I favored that leg, and it grew weaker. When I was 16, someone noticed that I had a pronounced limp and suggested I try physical therapy. And so I did. The leg got much stronger. The limp almost disappeared. I could run and dance. But… under stress… when I haven’t been in therapy for a while…. When I’m really low and other hard things are happening… the limp comes back. It never completely goes away. I will always have it. I will always need to do my exercises. I’m truly an okay person despite the slight and sometimes more pronounced limp. And that’s part of who I am.

Does that make sense? Nature and nurture. Eternal vigilance. A slight disability that can lead me to be compassionate for everyone else, because we all have them.

*****

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.                                    Anais Nin

*****

Behavior change is super de duper hard work. We all know this. And therapy is not the only thing that helps. Sometimes we can be loved out of a pattern.  I hated and feared big holidays into my twenties because of the emotional pain I associated with them. I dreaded them. I started dating the tall Californian and he transformed Christmas for me. Not only did he enjoy Christmas. He dolled it up with tiny railroads around the tree, with creative pranks the kids loved, handed down from his dad. He healed Christmas for me. Thank you.

My sister and I pledged to transform Thanksgiving, and did. She does most of the work. Because, cooking. I am an ace dishwasher.

Sometimes a therapist is a mirror.  Lou Reed’s early band, The Velvet Underground has an awesome song:

I’ll be your mirror

Reflect what you are, in case you don’t know

I’ll be the wind, the rain and the sunset

The light on your door to show that your home

When you think the night has seen your mind

That inside your twisted and unkind

Let me stand to show that you are blind

Please put down your hands

‘Cause I see you

 I find it hard to believe you don’t know

The beauty that you are

But if you don’t let me be your eyes

A hand in your darkness, so you won’t be afraid

 I’ll be your mirror.

 Isn’t that lovely?

Good solid friends can call you on your bullshit, which hurts, but heck, wouldn’t you rather have a friend or member of your family say, dude, you have an enormous wad of spinach in your teeth? Your fly is down? You really need to dye your hair again because the skunk look only works at Halloween.

Of course, telling someone you care about their behavioral bullshit (or here in ranch country, cowpie) is a hugely loving act.  As in saying, have you noticed that every man you date is an asshole? That no matter who your partner is, you still can’t balance a check book or stick to a budget. So you bring that same fight about money with you to EVERY SINGLE RELATIONSHIP???

Ever notice that?   Hm?

The RECIPIENT of this truth-telling will probably feel like throwing a tantrum, or kicking the truth teller in the shins, but not really do it. Friendships have ended over honesty. The tone, the WAY truth is delivered, is important, but sometimes the truth is so painful or embarrassing or horrible that all there is is pain and then THE DEFENSES GO UP.

Tell the truth but tell it slant… the truth must dazzle gradually.  Emily Dickinson was so right.

I’ve noticed that some tendencies are really pretty minor in the early days of adulthood, and then those tendencies, unchecked, become real issues. Like, say, hoarding. I hoard yarn. Ask anyone who’s been in whatever home I live in. Except the marital home, which I moved out of in 2006. The husband did not permit clutter. Minus the husband, guess what. Clutter clings to me like a moth to flame. Like cat hair to…everything. And the yarn? I could open a store. Tomorrow. I’d have plenty of inventory. I exaggerate not.

Being a therapist means trying to reflect back to a client a pattern that I see but he doesn’t. Trying to give them an affirmation of their goodness while helping them wake up to their bullshit. For many clients, the bullshitter is another member of the family, so the task becomes, how to be in relationship with the bullshitter without losing integrity, or rescuing, or overfunctioning. Now that’s a trick.

Another trick to changing and healing and stretching new muscles: forgiving oneself. Go Ralph Waldo:

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can.  Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense.                    

Oh, but my old nonsense is so cozy and familiar….

I’d rather just sit here and contemplate how unfair life is.  

Rabbi Kushner in his classic, Why Bad Things Happen to Good People, wrote: In the final analysis, the question of why bad things happen to good people translates itself into some very different questions, no longer asking why something happened, but asking how we will respond, what we intend to do now that it has happened.  

Yes. Personally, I do not believe that “everything happens for a reason.” What I do think is that we have responsibility to stop whining, to help others, and to eventually, though the pathway has to go through the valley of the shadow of death, get to gratitude.

Anne Lamott gives me hope. And then all I can do is pray for guidance so that I do good work in my job, hoping to promote healing and yes, maybe, wellness:

Unfortunately, change is not my strong suit. Neither is forgiveness, or letting go. Everything I've ever let go of has claw marks on it. But the willingness to let go comes from the pain: and pain makes us willing to change, and effort to change changes you, and jiggles the spirit, gets to it somehow, to our deepest, hardest, most beautiful, ruined parts. And then Spirit expands, because that is its nature, and it drags along the body, and finally, the mind.

#psychotherapy counseling change