#once again: not aimed at anyone who'd be reading this

[diamondcitydarlin]

I s2g we have like an unholy tradition on this site of making up our minds about how a season of a show is going to be before any of it airs and getting preemptively, irrationally angry at the stuff we basically just made up on the basis of flimsy SEO articles that take people's quotes of context and our own grim imaginations. Like, no offense but the n@ndermo tag right now is just a lot of people angry about stuff they've made up in their own heads based on the few hints we've gotten thus far. It'll be something like...idk, we'll hear a trash can is going to be involved in the next season and within a matter of hours there'll be a handful of people that will have decided for some reason that Nandor is definitely going to throw Guillermo into the trashcan and HOW DARE HE DO THAT, AND HOW DARE THE WRITERS WRITE HIM DOING THAT AND HOW DARE- (I mean, that absolutely could happen in an ep but you see my point)

I feel like, on the one hand, it must originate from early tumblr fandom roots, that whole culture back in the early 2010's of latching on to media written by cishet yt men with no interest in what queer audiences want to see or experience (some of whom even felt actively resentful of their queer, poc and younger fans bc they weren't the young cishet yt male audience they wanted to attract in the first place) and being disappointed again and again and again by our own unrealistic expectations. I feel like this created an environment of constantly waiting for the paint to peel, like when is this show going to make it painfully clear they resent us as viewers and not only have no intention of depicting things we'd like to see, but will make an active effort to destroy/invalidate those things? Not a matter of if, but a matter of when.

And I get that, to an extent. We were all much younger then and we didn't know then what we know now.

But like...without naming specific titles, I still see this early 10's blind optimism being put towards newer source material that, to me, is pretty clearly written for a yt cishet male audience and will probably not ever deliver on the queer subplot everyone wants to see, though I have no doubt they'll continue to play around subtly with the possibility until they invalidate it at the last moment by having both male characters get married off to female characters we barely know. I hope I'm wrong! But I don't think I am!

And that would be fine on its own, it's not my place or my business to tell people what to enjoy and how, but it's discouraging when media that is written for a queer and otherwise marginalized audience and has a made a point of prioritizing their perspectives gets held to these ridiculous standards of expectation. Like, it's more than enough in YT Man Queerbait S5 for them to hold each other's gaze longer than a second, but if the gay shows don't stick to the script and have them making out, fucking and married right now, plot and characters be damned, then it's all trash. IT'S ALL TRASH APPARENTLY.

I don't think anyone doing this is thinking that critically about it, which is part of the problem. Either way it's really annoying and I needed to vent about it lol.

#once again: not aimed at anyone who'd be reading this #at least not to my knowledge #most of the time i'm over people beyond the point of ranting #so im taking it as a sign my depression is ebbing that i actually want to rant about this lol

[hyenahunt]

Obbligato: In Praise of Folly - 2

Writer: Akira

Season: Spring, two years ago

Characters: Hiyori, Ibara, Nagisa

Translation: Peace & hyenahunt

Proofreading: Remi + 310mc (JP) & Skyress (ENG)

Nagisa: ... He became a great beast that no individual could oppose alone — or perhaps something godlike.

[Read on my blog for the best viewing experience with Oi~ssu ♪]

Hiyori: Yes. It is for that reason as well that I'd like all the more to be better informed. It's essential to get a good feel for the situation upon one's debut to a new social scene.

At the same time, one ought to learn right away just who calls the shots in such a place.

And from where I stand, it appears to me that it would be you, Ibara Saegusa-kun. CosPro manages Reimei Academy and the like, and its true leader in all but name is you, is it not?

That's what I've gathered after doing all the research that I did, and that's why I judged your offer to be worth taking.

Indeed we wished for a new land for ourselves, but we did not simply latch onto just any old hand extended to us.

But of course, to an outsider, that's exactly what it must look like we're doing.

Ibara: Forgive me for taking advantage of your weakened hearts. However, allow me to rescind my words and agree that your decision was right beyond a doubt.

I truly believe we’ll be able to build a good rapport among each other, Tomoe and Ran.

Hiyori: You may have no choice but to say those words, but I'll have you know I'm still only half-convinced.

I want to play no part in cleaning up after others again, so the very instant things seem like they're heading south, we shall take our leave.

Ibara: If that is what you'd like to do, I certainly wouldn't stop you. After all, we haven’t signed any written contract, as the two of you were uncomfortable by the offer for some reason…

The two of you are in no way obligated to follow me.

And that is why, so that I may gain your trust, I’ve been explaining everything without sparing a single detail.

How could I ever ask you to bare your hearts to me if I won't show my own first?

And, at the very least, one must lay down understandable guidelines if they'd like those around them to act in the way they ask.

Hiyori: It's easy to understand where you're coming from. You're a businessman through and through, and you aim to increase both the amount of successful companies you have under your belt, and of course, their profits.

Or rather, you're simply full of ambition, aren't you? You're very keen to push this straightforward image of yourself, donning your business suits as you hand out your business cards.

You conduct yourself so thoroughly as to ensure your behavior will never compromise this image you've built up. This role of a young prodigal businessman is one you certainly play well.

Being a manager would obviously mean that you have a hand in management. You strive to ensure that your companies are successful. In other words, it's easy for anyone to guess that your goal is for profit — financial or otherwise.

Ibara: That's right. While our generation of adolescents are those who'd like to be seen for who they really are, and have others understand them...

It's far more important to have a character that's easy for others to grasp.

Everyone wants money. I am the personification of that desire, one which everyone can sympathize with.

And so, I won't deviate from that "easily understood" category.

The moment I step over that line is when I become no different than those "incomprehensible monsters" of Yumenosaki Academy — the Five Eccentrics.

Nagisa: ......

Ibara: I've implied this more than once, however... That is where Mr. Tatsumi Kazehaya misstepped.

As I explained along the way, he established a somewhat... unique "idol association" within Reimei Academy.

By managing and utilizing the assets he gained from it, he was able to continuously accomplish feats that someone on their own couldn't.

Though I'm certainly preaching to the choir when I tell the two of you this, it's certainly symbolic of the current flow of the world, isn’t it?

No matter how prodigious someone may be, so long as they remain alone, they have no hope of winning against the ordinary who collude with one another.

Nagisa: ... I see. Whether it be deliberate or not, Tatsumi Kazehaya has created a sizable "unit" of which he is the beacon.

... It is similar to how we, fine, had formed. It was for the sake of the ordinary majority — so that we could defeat each one of the Five Eccentrics.

... As others flocked to Tatsumi Kazehaya as their leader, he surpassed that which is human.

... He became a great beast that no individual could oppose alone — or perhaps something godlike.

Ibara: Indeed. However, while the man in question simply likened what he headed as a “company”...

From my own point of view, as someone who is a real manager, what Mr. Tatsumi Kazehaya is leading is nothing more than a shady secret society.

No, it's better described as a cultish society.

One could even say that he's established his very own dubious, if powerful, religion.

His ideals do have plenty of good intentions behind them, that much is for certain, and he ought to be praised for them...

A world in which no one is unhappy. A kind world where no one is hurt. An idealistic world where all are equal, and are treated fairly without exception.

However, therein lies the grandest of contradictions to the same ideals Mr. Tatsumi Kazehaya held so highly from the very beginning.

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#enstars #ensemble stars #enstars translation #hyenahunttl #s: obbligato #ibara saegusa #nagisa ran #hiyori tomoe

[thatsonemorbidcorvid]

Arina and Nina used to only meet once a week - at activities organised for the care home where Nina lived. Now, Arina is applying to become Nina's guardian, giving the 27-year-old hope she might finally be able to leave the institution where she has lived her entire adult life.

For the past few months Nina Torgashova has been able to enjoy an independence that had always been out of reach for her - shopping, cooking and washing her own clothes.

Things that would be every-day life experiences for most 27-year-olds.

But not for Nina, who has always lived in institutions, and moved when she was 18 to what, in Russia, is called a psycho-neurological care home. When the pandemic hit, she was able to savour life outside the home, with a volunteer, Arina Muratova.

Nina recalls the moment she found out she was leaving.

"I never thought anyone would take me. I had thought: "Oh no, I am going to be stuck in the care home."

It was April 2020 and the Covid-19 pandemic forced Moscow into lockdown. As visits to Nina's institution were stopped, charities lobbied for volunteers to be allowed to take responsibility for some of the residents until they could start up again.

Arina, a market research expert who loves nail art and embroidery, offered to look after Nina.

But when the 27-year-old got a taste for the freedom she'd never had, she decided she didn't want to go back.

Her 31-year-old friend was faced with a life-changing decision.

Arina has been involved in voluntary work for a decade - starting with helping children with learning difficulties and their families. She then became involved in adult care, which is when she met Nina through a Russian charity called Life Route. The charity organises trips and classes for the residents of some Russian psycho-neurological care homes (known as PNIs).

Arina started volunteering in PNI 22 - where Nina was living with hundreds of other residents - about four years ago. The care home looks after adults with a wide range of disorders, thought to relate to both cognitive disabilities and mental illness of varying severity.

Arina and Nina got to know each other through the charity Life Route which organises camps for the care home residents

Nina's diagnosis remains confidential to everyone except her care home director. This is usually the case for those residents the state judges are unable to live independently. So neither she nor Arina know why she is in the home, but Arina is surprised that she is.

Although Nina struggles with literacy and maths, Arina says she is very capable.

"She is such a quick learner and is well-adapted in everyday living," she says.

Nina was admitted to a home for disabled children when she was very young, before transferring to the PNI at 18. It is not clear whether she was taken to the children's home by her parents or was forcibly removed from their care.

She says they visited her there once, but she was frightened and hid under the bed.

"They were drunks. I was afraid. They stank of alcohol," she says.

Arina says Nina always stood out during her visits with Life Route, taking an active role in the activities and trips organised by the charity

"Nina was a very active person at her care home," says Arina. "She took part in various creative activities: amateur dramatics, arts and crafts workshops. She took part in sporting competitions, too: she played darts, she played football. Football was something she really missed after leaving the home."

When the lockdown last spring made these visits impossible, Arina suggested Zoom calls with the residents instead. But from the start is was clear this wasn't going to work - the home's internet simply wasn't strong enough. Other charities helping other care homes in Moscow and St Petersburg were facing similar problem

So these charities pressured the authorities to allow some care home residents to be released for the lockdown.

"It was all arranged in a day, and the next day the person was out. I cannot imagine anything like this before the pandemic," says Life Route's director Ivan Rozhansky.

Nevertheless Arina admits she was nervous when she made the initial decision to look after Nina. She was counting on Nina's relative independence, given she needed to work from home.

"There was a certain calculation in taking Nina. I had a lot of work to do, even during the lockdown. I realised I had to live with someone who'd be able to occupy themselves - at least some the time. With Nina it was clear that I'd be able to say: 'Now I have to work for three hours but afterwards we can make lunch together!'"

But Nina's move into the flat the charity had given the pair to live in during lockdown did get off to a slightly rocky start.

"She had very few possessions with her, just a small rucksack. She looked lost. While I was signing papers brought by the care worker, she walked around the flat. She didn't look especially overjoyed, and I had been counting on that.

"When I saw Nina looking so lost, I wondered if this had been a good idea. It's one thing to ask a person in a text if they want to move, but it's quite different to actually move them."

But not long afterwards, Arina shared a selfie with the other volunteers of herself with a grinning Nina, arms raised in joy.

Not only did Nina start shopping for food and cooking for herself, Arina arranged for her to have a maths tutor - important now she was buying things on her own.

"It's not that Nina doesn't understand things. She just never needed maths before," Arina says.

Arina herself began helping Nina with her literacy - she could read and write, but slowly and with difficulty.

"I need to be able to read and write," says Nina. "To be able to cook for myself, to go to work. I do want to have a job.

"I could make and sell friendship bracelets. I asked Arina: 'Do you know anyone who might want one?' She asked her mum, her mum was quite keen. I said: 'I will sort this!' Her mum picked the colours, Arina showed me a photo [of the colours], and I started making it."

Arina says she wanted to make sure she gave Nina responsibility for herself, rather than always taking charge, even if this did not always go to plan.

She cites the example of Nina wanting to learn to draw. Arina found another volunteer who could teach her over Zoom, and explained to Nina that she should make sure she joined the lessons. But after a while she discovered Nina had been missing some sessions.

"I don't want to chase another grown-up and pester them," says Arina. "I felt this was the kind of responsibility Nina could sustain, and we had conflicts around it."

But on another occasion Arina wanted to be more involved in Nina's life than regulations allowed.

Nina had complained of a terrible stomach ache and was admitted to hospital for several days of tests. Arina was not allowed to stay with her because she was not a relative or guardian.

"Pleas, send Nina some reassuring messages," she texted to the volunteer group chat. "Poor thing's terrified, she is having a third blood test and is scared."

Thankfully there was nothing seriously wrong.

As the Moscow lockdown eased in June, the Life Route charity was faced with a challenge.

"It became obvious that those people our foundation took to the assisted living flats for the duration of the quarantine did not want to go back to the PNI," says Ivan Rozhansky, the charity's director.

These institutions have been a focus of concern for some time.

In early 2019, Russia's deputy prime minister Tatiana Golikova ordered an inspection of living conditions in 192 psycho-neurological care homes. A consumer watchdog, Rospotrebnadzor, discovered violations of health and safety and other regulations in around 80% of them.

In January of this year Russia's Ministry of Labour introduced a number of structural changes to the provision of care for those in PNIs, including a move to help social workers provide assistance for some people in private homes rather than in state institutions.

"Obviously, all these changes will not be realised immediately on January 1, 2021, but step-by-step the situation will be changing," Golikova said.

Maria Sisneva from the charity Stop PNI says the quality of life in Russian care homes is poor.

"At a PNI you will have 500-1,000 people living in close quarters, but with very different levels of ability, and different backgrounds, different needs. They live in extremely cramped conditions, at best they'd be two to a small room, often in corridors, in spaces similar to military barracks, isolated from the outside world. They barely have any real social experience."

The director of PNI 22, where Nina was living, is clear about the benefits of care homes, however.

"The main advantage of psycho-neurological homes is security," says Anton Kliuchev. "The residents are looked after by professionals, who know exactly how to help and support them, how to talk to them, how to take care of them."

Care homes for people with specialist needs and mental illness exist all over the world. But from the mid-20th Century in the US and some European countries, a process of deinstitutionalisation started, aimed at replacing long-stay closed facilities with care within the community. Yet, in Russia care homes are still the predominant model.

According to Russian government statistics, as of February 2020 there were more than 150,000 people living in PNIs.

Unlike many countries, Russia's assisted living provision is only in its infancy. National charities believe that if this alternative system were more established, many care home residents could leave their institutions.

"Right now the system in Russia is such that if a person is believed to be insufficiently independent by the state, there is nowhere for them to go apart from a PNI, or [for those with physical disabilities] an invalids' home," says Sisneva.

Life Route began to discuss how the assisted living arrangement could be made permanent for the nine people they rehoused during lockdown. The charity rented four apartments, including one for Nina to share with fellow care home residents Sergey and Ivan. Arina moved back to her own apartment, and began instead to spend one night a week at Nina's new accommodation on rotation with other volunteers.

But there was another hurdle.

The PNI can only release their residents' care permanently to Life Route if those people have what is termed "legal capacity" - in other words, the state considers them able to function independently in theory, even if in practice they are in a care home.

Nina does not have legal capacity - all decisions about her life are made for her by the director of her PNI. As Nina is so functionally able, it is not clear why this is, though experts say it can be simply a foible of the system. If, like Nina, someone has arrived from previous care such as a children's home, and has never been properly assessed, their legal status might never be challenged.

So Arina has applied to become Nina's guardian.

"One day it just sort of clicked. And I realised I had to do it."

If her request is granted, Arina will become responsible for every element of Nina's life - financial, practical, emotional and medical. As her guardian the PNI will finally share Nina's diagnosis with her.

The process won't be straightforward, she says, involving extensive financial, physical and psychological check-ups on Arina.

"Emotionally [the decision] wasn't easy either," says Arina. "But once I took Nina out of the care home, she became my responsibility."

This all-consuming obligation might explain why there are so few people who volunteer to become legal guardians in Russia.

While Arina waits to be granted Nina's guardianship, the PNI could demand that Nina - whose state benefits they are currently losing out on - return to them at any time.

Meanwhile, Arina says she is still working out the exact role she plays in Nina's life.

"I can never be Nina's mum. I will never be able to give her the childhood she deserved."

But she accepts that Nina sees her as much more than a friend. Nina expects her presence on all important errands: to the dentist, to get her ears pierced, to get registered at the local GP.

And these new responsibilities have come at a time when life has been tough for Arina in other ways.

"It wasn't just Nina who went through a big emotional change. I went through a lot emotionally, too - during this time my salary was cut; I have had complicated developments in my personal life."

But Arina says all this has brought them closer together.

"Once you have gone through all these experiences [alongside another person], it is hard to backpedal.

"I won't say I'm not anxious about it. I'm incredibly anxious. And there are certain people around me who freak me out even more. They keep asking me. 'Have you thought it through? It's for life!'

"I calm myself down by saying that we have a plan."

That plan is to work towards eventually restoring Nina's full legal capacity.

Nina needs to be deemed independent by the state if she ever wants to live alone or get a job.

Other than Arina, she has one other close relationship - with a man called Sasha, who she met in PNI 22, and who is now in assisted living in a different apartment. Nina regularly meets up with Sasha in the city, and is clearly fond of him. Arina is aware that Nina may want to eventually marry and she would need legal capacity for that too.

So Arina hopes Nina's tutoring will give her the option to be assessed at some point.

"Examiners look closely at a person's reading, writing and counting abilities," Arina has heard.

The process is not publicly available but anecdotal accounts suggest it can include everything from being expected to dance or sing a song, or even know the price of a loaf of bread.

Arina says they won't apply for Nina to take this test until she is as prepared as she can be.

In the meantime, Arina is involved in all the important moments of Nina's life.

"Maybe I'm just the type of person that is not afraid of responsibility. It is an unexpected - but actually a good thing - that has happened to me.

"I love her. There's not much to it. I love her very much."

My Friend from a Care Home is available to watch now on YouTube.

[leonawriter]

Spaces Between

Read it on AO3

Fandom: Voltron: Legendary Defender

Characters: Keith, Lance, Kolivan, others.

Pairings: Keith/Lance, though mostly in subconscious pining.

Summary: A series of missing scenes from S1 and S2 from Keith’s point of view, not always featuring Lance, but often with Lance butting his head in regardless.

...

It's a squeeze, fitting everyone into the shack in the desert that'd been plenty big enough for just one person in all this time - but nowhere near as hard to handle as having so many people on his bike, and being the one in charge of driving it. 

Neither of these things would have happened if Lance, who swears they had some sort of rivalry or close relationship or something in the past at the Garrison, hadn't hijacked his rescue of Shiro. 

Thankfully there's a cot in the side room that they've - and, yet again, it was they, with Lance not letting go of the idea that the rescue was half him, too - put Shiro onto so that he could sleep off the tranquillisers the Garrison doctors gave him. That and the tiny kitchen that only really consisted of a small stove and a couple of cupboards were all the place was good for, considering the attic was full of junk he didn't know how to use.

Keith quietly slips outside. There are too many people, and they're too loud, to boot. Lance relaying yet again just how cool he'd been and how nothing would have happened if it weren't for him one more time was, even though he and the others were trying to be quiet in case they woke Shiro up, just too much.

He closes his eyes once outside, feeling the a cold wind on his face that was usually burningly hot in the daytime, and felt the pull of something tug at him once again, more urgently than before, and sighs.

...

Waiting, he'd long since decided - way back, in fact, back when Shiro was gone and they weren't saying anything, and nothing was adding up, and even back further before that - wasn't Keith's strong suit.

Nevertheless, that was all he could do. For now.

At least this time he had company, even if one of them was busy and couldn't be distracted, and the other was also busy making sure the castle's systems were going back online properly.

It was a choice between pondering all the various things that could go wrong - ranging from 'they take too long and Allura has to shut the wormholes without them', which meant he lost Shiro again, not even hours after finding him again, not to mention the others who he didn't really know but also didn't want to lose either, all the way up to 'they find their Lions, but there's a Galra presence and they end up losing the Lions to the Galra anyway' - or listening to Coran mutter and mumble almost unintelligible things while he works, sometimes even aimed at him on purpose.

He prefers listening to Coran ramble on.

The irony didn't escape him, given how he'd found Lance too noisy not too long ago.

...

He's left waiting again a few days later.

This time, he doesn't even bother holding himself back from pacing out of frustration. 

This is my fault, he thinks sometimes, which is stupid. But knowing that doesn't stop him from thinking he should have somehow known something or been able to spot something before. They'd all just been having fun, and they'd just been played. Taken advantage of, completely.

And to top it all off, Lance was in there injured and with god knows what kind of injuries under that armour, and so was Shiro. 

Shiro, trapped in the castle with the Galra, who'd done this to him in the first place, who'd taken him from them.

Keith's hand twitches at his bayard again, not for the first time.

Come on, Hunk. Hurry up!

Of course Hunk wouldn't be back for at least another hour - or so, or few - but he couldn't help wishing they could be back quicker. That the castle's particle barrier could be taken down quicker. That he could know that Shiro was safe and Lance was being treated and he was going to be fine-

If there was one thing Keith hated, more than anything, it was uncertainty, and this situation was full of it.

...

"Lance...?"

Hunk had called a while ago to say that he and Coran were on their way with a new crystal. The pods would be up and running again in no time once they were back, so it was just a matter of waiting that long. Or so Allura said, at least. She was insistent that the pods didn't just cryogenically freeze people for anywhere up to and over ten thousand years, but heal them, too.

"...huh?"

He tried not to show his relief. Lance's eyes kept drooping, which wasn't a good sign. His head must've been hit just as badly as the rest of him in that blast, and the last thing they wanted was for him to drift off.

"C'mon, you've gotta stay awake. You said we made a good team back there, right?"

Lance blinks, and it's disorienting how slow he's being. Lance is supposed to move around so quickly and loudly he practically gives Keith headaches sometimes, even when he isn't even trying to. Lance like this is just... wrong.

"Huh-? Oh... yeah. All of us. E'en you."

Wow, he really is out of it. Although, considering his last compliment had been along the lines of "I don't hate you right now!", a somewhat slurred "Even you" was something he could work with.

"Ha, yeah- no, keep your eyes open. Stay with me. Hunk's on his way with that crystal. Just... stay with me until then."

Lance's strength seemed to fail him, though, his upper body sliding so that he'd have hit the floor again if Keith hadn't caught him in time.

"S'rry." 

He's getting worse circled around in his head, but he stubbornly ignored anything that said Hunk's not going to get here in time or the pods aren't going to be able to help him because he's human or they'll take too long to get back online or they're broken anyway.

"Don't be stupid. But I'm gonna remember this, you know."

...

A while later, and all the waiting he's doing is that he's waiting to go to sleep. Which is hard enough in a and of itself, because he's still getting adjusted to the castleship's ambient temperatures being so different from the desert.

It's made harder by the fact that his mind keeps running back across the fact that just earlier that day, the entire ship had been overrun by some kind of Galra virus, making everything want them dead. The training drones, the airlock, the cryopods, and according to Hunk and Pidge, even the food machines.

It's almost enough to make him wonder if all the influence really did go along with King Alfor's AI, and if not, then if there was anything in this room that might end up a danger.

He remembers the way one of the kids he'd fostered with at one point had practically cocooned herself in her duvet each night, and he's glad he doesn't do that, or there wouldn't be a need for a malicious AI.

He's just about dropping off, thoughts heading in a more harmless direction, when he hears a cut off cry from the room right next to his quickly followed by a sharp thud.

His heart is in his mouth and he's halfway out of bed before hearing Lance - because of course that's who it is - start to swear just loudly enough to make it obvious that he's not actually in any trouble.

Keith sighs, unsure whether to be annoyed at the disturbance to his sleep or relieved that there's nothing really wrong. He wonders briefly, before putting his head back on his pillow, if Lance had been having nightmares, and whether he say something - but the next time he sees the Blue Paladin, there isn't a hair out of place, his skin is flawless, and he sure isn't acting like there's nothing wrong.

(Unless he's acting. Keith's still not one hundred percent fully sure if Lance is lying about not remembering that moment between them when he cradled Lance's body. Either way, neither of them bring it up, even if Keith does stare enough that the others start to notice.)

...

He couldn't say anything.

More than once, he'd considered bringing things up to the others - asking Coran how a Galran would actually fight, and if anyone had any right to say that he fought like one. Thought of dropping the fact that Shiro wanted him to take over if- and if - anything happened, just in passing.

But he couldn't. 

They'd ask questions, it'd get brought up again, they'd do research, and he wasn't sure he was ready for that. For any of that.

You fight like a Galra. He could still hear Zarkon saying the words to him every so often, enough that sometimes he's caught himself wondering what it was while training against the gladiator. Analysing his own moves.

That, though, in many ways it's something he can work out on his own. He'll either figure out the answers sooner or later, or they'll come to him. He has a vague feeling that they will whether he wants them to or not.

For what Shiro said, though...

He doesn't want to be set apart like that. He likes where he is in the team - he likes Red, he likes being Shiro's right hand, and he actually likes Lance riling him into things the way he's pretty sure he wouldn't get if he were the 'leader'.

He sighs in the silence of his room, back flush against his propped up pillow and knees against his chest, and hoped that he was just worrying over nothing, but couldn't ignore the press of his knife against the small of his back, reminding him of even more unanswered questions.

...

When he wakes up, ready to come out of the cryopod, the first thing he sees is everyone waiting for him. Everyone's there, at least, and most of them even look happy to see he's awake.

But there's curiosity in the way they're looking at him now, too. And Allura's all the way over there, and Coran's at her side instead of with the others.

"Hey, man," Lance says as Keith leans on Shiro while his legs adjust to standing properly again. "Uh, just... forget what I said earlier, okay? It's good to have you back."

Keith blinks a couple or so times while trying to figure out what Lance is referring to, and then just shrugs, not really feeling up to looking him in the eye.

"See? I told you he'd be all hot-headed and get in trouble! But did anyone listen to Lance? No, of course you didn't, and then what do we get, we get Red attacking the base and worrying us all to death!"

Which hadn't been long before he'd explained, bluntly, what had happened. Admittedly less with the details and more like apparently my knife is one of their blades, and I 'awoke' it because I have their blood. I mean, I have Galra blood. But that had been enough. 

In the present, Pidge looks relieved but doesn't stick around long. Allura's vanished the next time he remembers to look. Hunk looks anxious, and keeps making half finished spoken thoughts until deciding to go chase after Pidge.

He sighs, his body remembering how when he'd gone into the pod, he'd had trouble breathing deeply due to a few bruised ribs, and knows it isn't phantom now-healed pains that made his chest hurt now.

He'd been through this before. Unlike so many other things they've had to deal with, it's not as though it's something new to him.

Just... doesn't mean it hurts less.

"I'm gonna go bug Hunk for something other than food goo," Lance says, from much further away than before. Keith doesn't bother looking up. "Oh, and Shiro? I've so got permission to get Pidge to hack his door open if he tries locking himself in, right?"

Shiro laughs, and tells Lance to try knocking and asking first.

...

If he's honest, a lot of what he's known about his knife up until now has been self-taught. If he went to most adults and asked where they thought it might have come from or how to look after it or, god forbid he ask how to use it, they'd worry he was turning antisocial and start... pretending to be gentle and friendly, so that when he wasn't looking, they'd take it away.

Give up the blade, and the pain will stop-

His time in the desert had helped him hone some skills. He'd marvelled at how it didn't blunt like a normal knife, kitchen or craft, not knowing why but not caring as long as it meant that using it for normal, everyday things wasn't going to damage it. 

Getting out into space, thrust into a war he'd only had vague ideas might be out there because of the energy readings he'd picked up and the carvings on the walls of the cave they'd found Blue in, had made it easier. The training room was literally built for practicing how to fight, and when he needed an opponent, he could either use one of the gladiators or ask (rile up, in Lance's case) someone to be a sparring partner.

This wasn't any of those times. This time, he'd come in when it was quiet. 

He held his knife - his Galran blade, a Marmoran blade - out in front of him. It still looked oddly naked every time he saw it without the wrappings he'd used to cover up the odd symbol that had always glowed on its hilt, ever since he could remember. He'd only taken them off to clean it, before now.

What had he felt, when he'd 'awoken' it? Was it something he'd said, or done - an emotion, a thought? He hadn't really been thinking, though. In the end, he'd just wanted to go home. Not to the shack in the desert or to people who might've loved him or might not have but who'd never been there, but to the castle, to the other Paladins, to Allura and Coran and the Lions and Voltron.

I know who I am, is what he'd said, and he remembered how the knife had changed as he'd held it out.

That's it. That's how it goes.

It felt different, wearing his Paladin armour instead of the trial suit they'd made him wear, not to mention the sheer lack of aches and pains from having been fighting through room after room of Blade members all trained to the same degree that Ulaz had been. He swings it once, twice, just to get the feel of it, and then starts falling into the forms he's practiced so many times first with Shiro and then on his own that they've almost become reflex.

"Stop."

The voice rings out clearly through the otherwise empty room, but when Keith turns sharply to see who or what it was, he sees Kolivan walking toward him.

"You continue to grip the blade as though it is still a knife, with the same amount of reach. Here," Kolivan reached out, and changed the way his hand curled around the hilt. "This is more like it."

"Er, thanks." The new grip was different to the one he'd always used, and way different from the one he used for his bayard. "Uh... do most people have this problem when they've awoken their blades, or...?"

"No. However, most do not live with their unawakened blade for as long as you, either."

"Right." Of course they hadn't. "Anything else?"

"Your stance needs adjusting. With your bayard, you move the weapon with your entire arm, but with your blade, there is room for more fluidity of movement. You need to allow for that."

He's barely starting to get the hang of it when a blue-helmeted head pokes its way into the training room, the face inside looking both bored and annoyed.

"So.... are you two going to take much longer or are you done yet? Because other people need to train too, you know. Like me. If we're going off on missions again soon then I want to be in top form. No offence Keith, but watching you dance around doesn't help me do that."

"You... could just try doing target practice on the other side of the room? It's not like this place is lacking in space, Lance."

"No. No no no. Absolutely not. I can't focus on shooting if other people are around!"

"Other people? You focus well enough in battle - I don't see what your problem is."

Keith sighed, but folded, letting his blade revert back to the knife form he'd always known it as before, and muttered a low "Thanks, and, uh, sorry about that" to Kolivan as he left.

He probably wouldn't have been able to focus properly on his own training with Lance in there shooting targets anyway.

...

AN: I'd originally started this with the thought of doing a couple set within S3, but got to more or less the end of S2 and started running out of steam. So I figure, I'll put this up and if I remember/get inspired for those S3 ones again, I'll add those in with another chapter.

Fun fact: what didn't fit in the actual fic itself is that Lance mentions heading off the idea of Keith shutting himself off by locking his room's door because I figured he's probably had a bit of experience with older siblings doing something similar at bad news (even if unlike Keith here, it's something as mundane as being dumped).

I've made mention elsewhere of how I'm considering doing more once S4 comes out, too. So there is that as well.

#voltron #voltron legendary defender #vld stuff #Leona fic #vld fic #klance