#ok i gotta close this roster tab it's giving me too much anxiety. why is henry thrun listed as a cuda but not kasper halttunen

[moregraceful]

picture the trope where A rushes up to B at a crowded bar or club and says please please do a me a favor and kiss me/act like my date to make my ex jealous/make this asshole stop hitting on me/some other urgent reason. who on the Giants, Sharks, and/or Cuda is most likely to be A? who as B is most likely to say sure I got ya? who is most likely to say fuck no? you can answer within each team or across teams, however you like.

omg well first of all I would be remiss in admitting that I sort of wrote this fic with Kris Bryant and Brandon Crawford, when I was deep in my Kris Bryant Is A Giant thirst and very foolishly believed Farhan Zaidi did not want me dead in the delta somewhere, BUT it lacked urgency. also it's not very good. but it exists, as a time capsule...

Giants: I truly believe Patrick Bailey is so goofy in private that he doesn't know shit about fuck but he IS good in a crisis, so he cheerfully kisses the hell out of Brett Wisely when Brett begs him to play along to get this asshole off his back. (ig we're going rookies tonight.) conversely Joc Pederson would say fuck no bc I don't trust him and also the Rogers twins would be too confused to play along appropriately but their corpse-like pallor and dead-eyed stares would get the job done just the same. I love them. Anyway I chose Brett Wisely for A bc sometimes he reminds me of a nervous purse dog

Sharks: this was so hard bc I don't actually know who is on the Sharks...I think Oskar Lindblom is still a Shark?? and I think he would be in a club and some guys would get too weird about him AND! controversial opinion, I think he would turn to Mario Ferraro for help bc no one's fucking with a guy with no teeth even if that guy reviews bagels on Youtube. Mario doesn't kiss him but he very possessively puts an arm around Oskar and smiles with zero teeth. Also Vlasic would say no to kissing, but he does start talking so loudly about water filtration and body decomposition that the guys who were getting too wild with Oskar get freaked out and leave them alone. Oskar is A because he is very pretty and often looks startled

Cuda: Daniil Gushchin needs to make his ex jealous...thanks for being my guy, tall Russian guy with a sweet smile <3 Nikolai Knyzhov is not his guy, he does not want this, his sexuality crisis is private and personal, but when a feral little man is climbing him like a tree, what is he going to do honestly. This guy seems like he might bite hard enough to draw blood if Nikolai drops him?? Guess he's gotta kiss him. This is a crossover bc I just looked at the Cuda roster and Kny isn't listed however it's important to me that Goosh and Kny kiss. Also I think Shakir Mukhamadullin would be so startled he would say no but then he would feel really bad and buy Goosh a drink so the ex gets jealous in the end anyway. I also got in at the ground floor of the Artem Guryev hype machine last year at the rookie tournament and I'm determined to get everybody on fuckin board this year now that he's with the team for real, so I'm saying he doesn't say yes to kissing but he does IMMEDIATELY start swinging, which is not what Goosh wanted, but is, in some ways, even better.

Thank you for asking...this made me so happy to think about...

#looking at the cuda roster is giving me several new fears btw (googled so i could spell mukh's name correctly) #mike grier and joe will really said how can we create the most chaotic defense corps in at the ahl level. and followed their bliss #there are no dads. we're gonna die. sieloff i am begging you to announce your retirement and join the coaching staff #ur seriously going to leave NICK CICEK to parent ARTEM GURYEV. ALONE?? oh my god we're fucked #hey do we like ryan carpenter. i need an old man to thirst after and for some reason i feel like people canceled scott sanbourin #maybe it was just maple leafs fans cancelling him. i can't keep track of what's a cancellable offense and what is just #''scored on our goalie that we hate and want traded but no one is allowed to score on us ever so fuck this guy'' #that tag is going to get me in trouble sorry maple leafs fans. i don't understand you but i respect your beliefs. coexist #ok i gotta close this roster tab it's giving me too much anxiety. why is henry thrun listed as a cuda but not kasper halttunen #18yo second rounder YOU are a san jose shark!!! #cage replies #tausendsorgen