#oh well f7 21 gun salute

[boredymcbored]

SO She

Can't do it. Notice how it wasn't "didn't like at all", or "a misunderstanding" or, my favorite, *silence*. It was "can't return those affections." Which makes me feel better in a way.

Not even cope. I felt so gaslit those other times when someone felt affection but didn't feel as into it as me. Cause I know I wasn't tripping. And in this case, I know I wasn't again. There were clear signs of ~something~ being there. But ultimately, she couldn't. Which is understandable. And I can speculate why. I'm leaning towards her not being as available as I thought. But I honestly can't hang myself up on it. My entire 20s I've had to prove how loveable I was to my object of affection. Honestly, to pretty much every single person I've ever even crushed on. And the question is... why? I'm smart, I'm fun, I'm funny, I'm cute allegedly (lol a bit tongue in cheek), I have a cool life I'm carving out, I'm a good listener, I'm great at emotionally supporting someone and I'm just an interesting person. I'm worth while. I'm a catch. Why should I pine for another person that can't, for whatever reason, like me?? Even with the truly loves, and the drunken call at night and the tiktok afterwards and insistence on hanging out initially and the mutual attraction? It doesn't really matter if they can't give themselves to you. Cause you can prove and prove again and they still will say no or fall out of interest since it's not what they wanted. And you deserve to be wanted baby girl.

Which is why I don't think I'm as hurt as I thought I'd be. Cause I felt her pulling away lately. Cause I've chased and I'm tired of doing that. Cause I anticipated the 'no' more and more.

Don't get me wrong, it still stings. It actually hurts more right now than a couple minutes after I got the no. I really liked her and wanted the more I saw. Wlw minds run so fast, I put a lot of stock when I probably shouldn't have; over the move talks and *dreams*. But I still get to hang out. And be goofy. And free the vulvy. Yeah, I know the visit up north to cuddle post snow day vision won't come true. But you still get to be around in a non strained relationship. Not the first time I liked a friend and the it could only be just friends.

And oh my fucking god, I don't feel gaslit with the way she answered, I cannot stress that enough.

Sometimes you lose out and that was me today. And in the love sector, it's been me a while lmaoo. But I'll find a way and a person, whenever. At least I don't have to stress as much anymore. Crushes are exhausting. This is a big win for my rejection sensitivity though. I've been taking risks speaking on things that I want like more pay or this. And I got a couple wins. And some compromises. So an L was coming. But it wasn't nearly as bad as it could be or has been. My head reality hurt much worse than actual reality.

#i'll still be sad #someone on tiktok months before said that a relationship ending still puts the party through a stage of grief #and I have to grieve my thoughts of a future *together* #or more so what that future together would look like #i'm not leaving anytime soon #and I have to mourn all the dopamine that comes from thinking someone likes you #but I also have the freedom to not worry about the stress that causes too lmao #so positive #maybe now I can use this website for more than my women issues please? #guess that makes that critical failure joke by her sting a little more tho LMAO #The dice do NOT be on my side smh #Again love wise #oh booo i thought of so many cute ass things #and some kinky ass shit my GOD was I wet for her #oh well f7 21 gun salute #it was fun but now the fun transforms into different ways #i'm actually so proud of the way I'm handling this #this exact same shit happens in my mid 20s and i'm shitting crying throwing up #i think the last two flings made me less jaded #team not as delulu #still very delulu tho lmaooo #it def hurts more now today though #processing n such #lemme get my unloved ass to bed LMAO